The other day I was faced with a situation that made me feel truly awful. I’ll be completely honest here, I argue with my husband. I’m sure most people do. Not all out shouting arguments (although those do occur) but what I like to call heated debates!
Normally these are over something completely trivial and truth be told is most likely me over-reacting or getting plain fed up over something that to most people would seem stupid. It could be the fact that my husband has left his socks on the bedroom floor, again, or that he has decided that he needs yet another gadget of some description. That is probably the most frequent! I’m pretty sure most people have these petty arguments at some point.
This time the said argument was over the fact that my husband wanted to put his pull up bar in our en-suite doorway. I told you it was normally petty. I categorically said no. He has already claimed the whole of our cellar room as his gym but apparently the ceiling was too low there. I did not want some metal pole in my doorway added to the fact that it was highly unlikely he would use it that often. Edd does not argue back, he rarely ever shouts and if I’m honest I find that all the more infuriating! I don’t want an all out argument but he has an answer for everything so on this occasion I was getting increasingly frustrated as he fired off response after response. He just would not listen and was sorting out his drill and tools to put it up as I’m telling him he can’t.
Then the worst thing happened. Four year old Molly walked in to the room, took Edd’s hand and said ‘Daddy, you mustn’t talk to mummy like that. Come with me and leave her alone’. How awful did I feel? Poor Daddy hadn’t even been shouting. That was me. I felt terrible that my small child had more reason in her than I did. Surely I was the adult, not her? When did it happen that my little baby became so sensible and knew just what to say. In truth it made us laugh a bit too. She seemed so grown up.
Needless to say we stopped the discussion straight away. I never meant to argue in front of the girls before but I am really conscious of how we talk now. It is highly unlikely that we won’t argue. For starters, after 17 years together I don’t think Edd is suddenly going to learn how to pick up his clothes so I’m confident I will loose my rag now and again. But I will try to be more mindful.
Have any of your little’s stepped in and become the adult in a situation? Did you feel as awful as I did?
Oh, and after all that he put the blinking bar up!
Image by Anna Clarke Photography
Thanks for writing this post Lottie. I was always absolutely determined that we wouldn’t ever argue in front of Elle, but that’s just not realistic and actually, I think it’s ok for children to understand that sometimes people disagree and you have to compromise. Matt & I are both very headstrong people (although on the surface you probably wouldn’t think it) and have some absolutely stinking arguments over the silliest of things, but it’s a part of our relationship and I think as long as Elle understands that Mummy & Daddy love each other really, it’s just being honest. No one’s family life is perfect and we’re never going to be one of those couples who don’t argue (seriously, how is that even possible?!) It sounds like Molly has a very wise head on her shoulders 😉 x
I definitely think ‘disagree’ is a good word! It does make me much more mindful of how we talk though as now they are getting old enough to understand. If anyone manages to never argue I definitely salute them! So long as we don’t have blazing rows I’m happy, a heated debate is all healthy I think (isn’t it?!) x
Personally I think understanding family dynamics is one of the most important life lessons. Its much more important to understand that people bicker (lets use bicker, not argue) and make up and life goes on. Relationships aren’t all bubble-like where you think that no one argues and life is pink and glittery. You’re setting your children up to have healthy family lives in the future. I had a friend whose boyfriend’s parents never ever argued in front of him (they were having mad affairs but that’s another story) so he had grown up thinking that any argument in a relationship meant that it was doomed from the start. She once made a comment about having to nag him to leave plates on top of the dishwasher (why do men DO that?) and he was like, “this isn’t working, we’re arguing too much”. I mean, WHAT?
My parents have the strongest marriage out of anyone I know and they most definitely bicker. Its healthy. The only thing they NEVER bickered about (in front of us at least) was discipline. They always backed the other up and never let us play one parent against the other.
You most definitely should not feel truly awful. You are, after all, only a human being.
Thanks Rebecca, that definitely makes me feel so much better. LOVE the word bicker. I haven’t used that for ages. I know someone who had a similar relationship (no arguing but affairs!!!) but that is not healthy either. Completely agree as well on the backing each other up. I’m hoping we can manage that although I am definitely the softer one out of the two of us. I think that’s a mum’s prerogative! x
I’m the disciplinarian in our house. Daddy is a total soft touch.
Rebecca so much of what you said above makes perfect sense to me and I completely agree! I too am the disciplinarian and Daddy is a soft touch but one thing we always agreed on even before Hector was born was that we would back each other up when it came to disciplining the kids. IF for whatever reason, one or the other of us didn’t agree then this would be something we would talk about privately once the kids had gone to bed. So far we’ve agreed on everything and I hope that this continues into the future. That said we have I’m ashamed to say argued in front of Hector about other things – something I promised myself I wouldn’t do having witnessed my own parents (now divorced) fight when I was very young and I remember being terrified by it. But as you say we’re all human and I hope that we can try to keep the bickering down to a minimum…
I agree, try not to feel guity. I think it’s healthy to expose children to the ‘real world’. Instead, I would feel proud of raising a little girl with such compassion. That’s pretty impressive behaviour at 4!
I know Abi, I have no idea where she learnt it from. Also, love that it is me she sticks up for when Daddy is normally not saying anything! She’s such a Daddy’s girl too so I find it quite funny. xx
This post has made me feel so much better! I must admit that my husband and I argue from time to time about exactly the same sort of things – who’s more tired, works harder, last made dinner etc. Whilst I know that we haven’t always hidden our frustrations completely, my children see a normal healthy relationship where we have a disagreement, make up and move on (I was quite embarassed to have been caught stamping my feet once though!!)
Yay, always glad to help make you feel a bit better. And I reckon stamping feet is perfectly acceptable!! x