I’ve come to realise in the last few months that just because your baby CAN sleep through the night…it doesn’t mean that they WILL.
Since turning one, Elle’s sleep has definitely taken a turn for the worse. I’ve always thought of her as a good sleeper (whatever that means) but the last few months have been somewhat different.
Firstly, the weeks leading up to her learning to walk were very unsettled – a lot of whinging, not much sleeping. Then she had her immunisations and was feverish for a few days. THEN she picked up a nasty virus. THEN she was teething (again). And now, I’m not really sure what’s up, maybe 2am is the new party time for babies and I just didn’t get the memo?! Quite frankly I’m exhausted. All I’m asking for is just ONE night of uninterrupted sleep to recharge the batteries, recover from the virus I caught from her, and return my patience levels to normal. Yes, I’m ashamed to admit that I’m not the most patient person when woken up during the night. And yes, I feel like a horrible person even saying any of this because she’s so tiny and it’s not her fault and she just needs her mama. And of course, I get up, cuddle her, rock her, stroke her little head and hold her hand until she drifts off. But I’m still completely exhausted…
I know lots of you with tiny babies will be going through this at the moment and the thought of your baby sleeping through the night is your only salvation, and I promise you it will happen (and you don’t need to do any sleep training, or controlled crying for that matter either). But I stupidly thought once they slept through the night, that was that. HA HA HA.
The thing is, when they are newborns people expect you to be a mess, everyone is happy to listen to your incoherent conversation, make you cups of tea and tell you how cute your baby is. Plus you don’t have to work so you can nap while the baby naps. Unfortunately once they are 14 months and you’re back at work – it’s pretty essential that you can converse coherently. And you can wave goodbye to naps too, you’ll be spending those quiet hours (if you’re lucky) frantically tidying up everything that your little one just spent hours pulling out of drawers and cupboards…
Those smug mothers with older babies who would say to you – ‘oh, you just wait until they can move, that’s when the real fun begins’ and you wanted to punch them in the face? Turns out they were right. And what’s even worse, I’ve become one. Oh how I miss the motionless days.
Please can someone tell me that this won’t last forever? Please let me know that my ‘good’ sleeper will return?! I’d just like to know how much longer a decent night’s sleep will be out of my grasp?! Will she sleep when she’s 2? 3??? 4????? Please, please, please say it will happen soon.
Of course, I’m half joking, I totally understand the responsibilities of having a baby, but that doesn’t mean I don’t crave a long hot soak in the bath, followed by 10 hours of blissful sleep. Who doesn’t?!
Is anyone else shattered? Did anyone else’s little one go through a weird sleep phase around 12 – 14 months? Does anyone have any tips for coping with sleep deprivation?!
Fern x
P.S. The print in the header above is from fab NOTHS sellers Rory & the Bean, check them out for loads of awesome prints for your nursery. And a big thank you to Andrea from Rory & the Bean (a fellow exhausted Mum) who sent me the picture specially for this post 🙂
I always thought my boy was going to be a terrible sleeper, the first four weeks of his life me and my husband basically just took it in turns to stay up all night, and when hubby went back to work I would go to bed when he got home and he would wake me up at midnight so he could get 6 hours in! Eventually he was diagnosed with a milk allergy so once we got that and feeding sorted he got a bit more ‘normal’ for a newborn. But we got to 6-8 months and he went from doing 5 hour stretches at night back to waking every 2-3 hours. It was horrendous and I remember thinking I can’t cope with this any longer, I’m loosing my mind. We were due to go to Spain and I just didn’t want to go. However the first night we got there he slept all night, and the next and the next and this has continued ever since, with the exception of a handful of nights where he had been ill (woke up one night screaming with a temp of 39.8!) or teething (first molars).
Now he is 14 months. My friends son, who is a week younger has only managed 5 or 6 nights of random sleeping through. I genuinely believe that there isn’t really anything you can do to help them sleep through and they will eventually just start doing it and that’s it.
Having said that I think the fact that he only has 1 (sometimes 2) naps of 30-45 minutes in the day helps, he is for too nosey at nursery to sleep any more than that!! He has FOMO!!
As with all baby phases I think you just have to keep telling yourself it won’t last forever, drink lots of water and don’t rely too much on coffee to get you through the day!!xx
Totally agree with all of this comment Claire, it’s funny how sometimes when you’re at your absolute wits end they just get it. I’m definitely putting it down to a phase and keeping my fingers crossed that it won’t last much longer (!) and am off to drink a big glass of water, as you’re right – it definitely makes you feel better x
My oldest is nearly 4. He had sleepless spells where he literally had 2 broken hours sleep per night. It went on for months. He still wakes 2-3 times most nights. My youngest was a very good sleeper. Slept through from 8 weeks until she reached a year and it has been a nightmare since. She won’t sleep unless I am in her bed or she is in ours.I had to spend a few nights actually in her cot. Bought a bed for her to see if it would help(it didn’t! ) she is now 19 months and I am at my wits end. Can’t see the light as my 4 year old still wakes it feels like when I get one to sleep the other wakes up!
Oh gosh Cherish, big hugs. I think maybe there’s a sleep regression at one and sometimes it’s hard for them to get past it. Elle still sleeps in our room and sometimes in the bed (although this really annoys her Dad) but it’s the only way for us to get any sleep. You’re a hero coping with two. Lets just keep reminding ourselves that they are only little for such a short time….hahahaHA. Wishing you lots of naps for the weekend x
Juliet is one on Monday – eeek! – and we are one step forward two steps back with the sleeping through the night. Three weeks ago we finally broke the cycle of her waking for a bottle. She did it on her own without having to resort to crying it out which I would have attempted eventually I think.. But since then she sleeps through unless there’s something wrong. And there’s mostly something wrong! She started nursery in January and has literally been ill ever since. Most recently a case of hand foot and mouth! And when she’s not ill she’s teething. Currently she’s got a cold and the only way I could get her to go back to sleep was to give her a bottle. Which feels like one step back to me but she wolfed it down and it helped so I don’t care too much!
I have heard talk of a 12 month sleep regression.. Good luck all! Xx
Ekkk I can’t believe Juliet is nearly one – happy birthday to her for Monday!!! Ohh Elle had H,F & M and it was horrible, I feel your pain. Don’t worry too much about an occasional bottle or cuddle back to sleep Jennifer, it takes a while for it to become a habit and she clearly needed it! Yes, I think it’s a sleep regression for sure, I’m hoping it ends soon though! She’s 14 months now!!! x
Aw I didn’t realise Juliet and Silvia were so close in age- S will be 1 next Friday. Hope you have a wonderful day xx
Aah! Thanks both. We’re pretty excited. There is going to be an afternoon tea party.. Happy birthday to Silvia too. Still loving her name. Xx
My 9 1/2 month old has never slept through the night. Last night he spent pretty much the whole night with my boob in his mouth it’s the only way he will sleep!!! I keep reminding myself that this won’t last forever and to try and enjoy being needed so much by him. I start my dream job in September and will need his sleep to improve by then or I’m not sure how I’ll manage. Really not a fan of controlled crying but it might be the only option……has anyone else tried it? Xx
I have Joelle and it worked for us.
I must add I didn’t take this decision lightly and it was hard. We did an awful lot of research and I must confess I dithered a lot, but like you I absolutely needed to have some sleep. My boys are 14 months apart and just before Joseph was born we decided we needed at least one sleeping child. So one night we decided to go ahead and try it. We chose a method that allowed me to constantly go into the room to comfort and sooth during intervals (they were short intervals) I don’t think my little heart could have coped with an all out cry it out situation. It made sure baby knew they weren’t totally abandoned, but also knew it was time to go asleep in their own bed, without mummy’s help. The first night lasted an hour, the second night 15 minutes and the third no training. Another thing I would add is that we made sure Elliott was absolutely well, no colds, coughs, teething issues or anything before we started this.
I feel completely exposed & vulnerable sharing this as don’t want to be stereo cast as an awful uncaring mother, but I just wanted you to know I understand your situation and if you do choose this option, it’s ok. It’s not for everyone and I totally get that, but it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. xxx
Controlled crying does not make you an awful uncaring mother!! Babies need sleep too and if it worked then that’s brill! So it makes you a great mummy! Also, If the baby was distressed then it wouldn’t have worked. What works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another and I can’t bear people who judge!
My baby is 7 months and doesn’t go through the night – I don’t mind as he’s obviously still hungry in the night. But when he drops that feed I would definitely consider controlled crying if I felt he needed it. I’ve already done a bit of it for daytime naps which works (sort of!)
Is this really what society has become? We should not feel judged or like we are bad parents because we have made a decision that has been carefully thought about. You have not said anything bad here. I am currently pregnant with my first and so of course I have no experience and quite frankly have no idea what kind of a bomb is about to be thrown into our already frantic lives but what I do know is that it is going to be hard enough to bring another being into this world without feeling that I am going to get judged for my decisions. I’m sure I will get it wrong at times, and I know my parents didn’t always get it right but they loved my brother and I and always put us first and we have both turned into successful, well rounded people and so in my opinion the love is what matters!
We tried it with Leo – the boy known in my circle of friends as ‘the baby who doesn’t sleep’ and it just didn’t work for him – sounds like we tried the same sort of method. Sometimes you just have to try everything no matter how hard it is or how upsetting you find it. We were so concerned about his lack of sleeping in terms of his development being affected and his little body needing time to rest and grow but it turned out nothing that we tried worked. He just had to find his own way and now, at 2 years 10 months he finally sleeps relatively well through the night. Although he does suffer with the occasional night terror. I just think every baby is SO different and I’m really glad you found a way to make sure Elliott got his sleep. We do our very best as parents every second of the day and you shouldn’t worry about being judged xxx
Lorna, it worked for us too when our daughter was about 4 months and I don’t feel bad about it for one second. Like you, we did it at a time when we knew our daughter was well, no hunger/cold going on etc that would have been disturbing her.
And you know what? She’s slept through the night, in her own bed, ever since and she’s 2 in May. She waves bye bye and gives me lots of kisses when she goes down in to her cot at 7pm and we see her between 11 and 12 hours later. She’s a very happy & content little girl who clearly has no recollection and has suffered no adverse psychological effect of us having let her cry it out all those months ago.
Don’t get me wrong, she may have become a ‘good sleeper’ even had we not done Cry It Out but at the time, we decided for various reasons that we would try it and it worked within days and has done ever since.
Dont let anyone such as Jill below make you feel bad for what you chose to do for your own reasons. We’re all just doing our best and the less judgement between fellow mums the better I say.
This is not meant to offend anyone at all – I just wanted to make sure that anyone reading these comments knows that the Cry It Out method isn’t recommended before babies are 6 months old, as they can still be waking due to hunger at this stage.
I’m all for doing what works best for you and your baby and I’m sure the people who chose not to do CIO or controlled crying have done just as much research as those who do.
I think we’re all in total agreement that we’re just doing what we think is the best for our babies – every single one of us does it differently, but as long as our babies are happy, it’s all good x
Thanks for sharing this Lorna. Babies need sleep too, I’m sure you were all happier for a good nights rest. Can’t imagine how you coped for so long with no sleep and another on the way! X
My 17 month old has never slept through but I can cope with a few night wakings when she settles back but recently we have had some 2am wake ups, and then up for 2 hours!!, it’s trying my patience…I feel like a zombie.. No idea why, I find myself trying to work out why..too long a nap, too short a nap, what am I doing wrong?!
Unfortunately most of the advice is controlled crying or cry it out which I’ve promised myself and my little one I will never do, no matter how tired I am. Thanks for the post..I’ll keep hoping at some point she will sleep xx
Big hugs Kayt, you’re absolutely not doing anything wrong, it just takes some babies longer to learn to sleep than others. Stick to your guns and do what works for you. I promise it will happen at some point and until then rope in as much help as you can, even if it’s just an hour during the day so you can power nap x
At my baby massage the other day controlled crying was mentioned- I physically and emotionally can’t do it so I am picking book up from library today- gentle parenting sleep book which is hopefully going to help without resorting to letting them cry themselves to sleep as they are exhausted and so much cortisol is running through them.
I also read the gentle sleep guide (if it’s the same thing) we were already doing most of the advice given, however o felt it was really useful to understand sleep patterns at different ages and helped me stay calm and get through some of the tough nights X
Jill and Claire my friend absolutely raves about this book, so definitely worth a read Jill, even if just for peace of mind like Claire says x
My little boy went through a terrible sleep phase from 11-15 months. So many developmental things going on at that time that threw him – mostly separation anxiety, partly teething, partly colds, but he went from a baby who you could just put down and he’d settle himself to sleep, to a baby who needed to preferably sleep on you, but definitely needed to touch you in some way in order to comfort himself, and would be up for hours multiple times a night. From everything I’ve read this seems to be a common sleep regression time.
We didn’t want to do controlled crying as I instinctively felt that it wouldn’t help with our son (given that the main cause was separation anxiety). I went with the Gradual Retreat method, which did eventually work one day out of the blue! I thought it would be a more gradual improvement but it was like a switch. He’s now approaching 2 and is a ‘good’ sleeper again (for the moment anyway!)
I definitely think there is some separation stuff going on with Elle, and from what everyone is saying it seems pretty normal, so I guess I’m just going to have to wait it out. Fingers crossed I get my ‘good’ sleeper back too!!! x
Not too many tips from me!
We have had so much sleep-related anguish from our twin girls!! The first 6 months I honestly googled ‘can you die from sleep deprivation?!’ (And I’m a doctor-lol!)
And in my darkest moments I thought having children had been a huge mistake. Both girls were shocking sleepers for various reasons- Lily was tiny and had reflux and Olivia liked a boob to sleep, like every hour….I walked through those first few months in a foggy oblivion!
We tried everything. Weaned from breastfeeding entirely at 10months. Gave them snacks just before bed. Dummies. Sleeping bags. Controlled crying. White noise etc etc
Both girls slept through the night for first time at 10 months- it was like winning the jackpot. It lasted for all a month. Me and hubby were like new people. Then we took them to Australia (lol!) and predictably ruined it all!
Sleep regression occurred again, luckily by just one twin at 14mths (it lasted for like 2 months- waking hourly) –I still have no idea why. Then we had a period of bliss.
They have had several similar regressions since. They are now 3 and a half- one wakes every night screaming loud enough to wake the dead–she’s afraid of the dark! A night light hasn’t made a difference. I have been tired for a long time.
Sorry to not spread any cheer….!!
Ahhh Sophie, I honestly don’t know how anyone copes with twins, you’re winning at life if just manage to keep them happy and healthy as far as I’m concerned! If it makes you feel any better I’ve googled the same thing about sleep deprivation and often questioned why I decided to have a baby (and if I can actually cope with anymore)…and I’ve only got one so you’re doing much better than me!! x
Zachs 2 now so memories are a bit foggy but I seem to remember thinking was mine the only baby that didn’t sleep through yet. I seem to remember it was the dream feed that fixed things. I’d go in about 9 or 10 at night, give him a bottle while he slept so that it would carry him through. It worked, to start with not waking til 5am which is a vast improvement on 2am and now at 2 years he sleeps til about 6.30am. We have the problem now where he’s refusing to have a mid day nap, started around 23 months and only seems to nap now if he’s ill ?
I’m dreading the day naps end Helen!!! It’s like a moment to breathe in a day of craziness! x
My youngest has always been an amazing sleeper (I think I deserved one – my eldest daughter was a nightmare!). Even in the early days she slept, fed and went back off on her own – we were completely spoilt. However, completely out of the blue she had an absolutely horrendous couple of months around the 18 months mark. She wouldn’t go to sleep without one of us in the room (which still took hours) and kept waking over night and taking ages to go back down.
Then all of a sudden, and as quickly as the problems had begun, she started sleeping again. No idea what the problem was or why it suddenly resolved. However, it just shows that babies/toddlers are strange and mysterious creatures and that sometimes sleep ‘problems’ can just sort themselves out. Hope you get some more sleep soon x
Thanks for this Helen, I’m always trying to remind myself that they are so little and don’t really understand why they ‘should’ be doing certain things and you’re so right, they are strange and mysterious creatures! x
I have two little ladies… A 3 year old and a 14 month old.
My youngest still doesn’t sleep through the night… We have tried everything and it just doesn’t work with her.
My eldest is an amazing sleeper but we had to do the controlled crying technique with her. After 3 very emotional evenings she got it and has been a fantastic sleeper since and we noticed immediately that she was coming on leaps and bounds in her development too.
All babies are different and all have different needs.
What works for one household and one baby doesn’t work for the next.
I do feel however that us mummies should stick together and champion each other’s choices as whatever we do and don’t decide is really hard and we only purely do out of love and what we feel is right for our children.
So mummy’s if you have to take that controlled crying technique please please do not feel like a failure as a mummy. We are all amazing so let’s remember that and champion our fellow mummy’s in their choices.
Xxx
Oh so tired today. I think Silvia is coming down with a bug as she is all over the place today. Off her food and just wants boob and cuddles. Tired mummy!
She slept through for about eight weeks at around 5 months, then has never done it again. But I think this is because we started putting her to bed earlier and it upset her natural rhythm. The peer pressure and HV pressure to put her to bed at 8 not 10 just got to me but it’s made our lives so much worse. Too late to go back as well. At our year check the HV advised me to stop feeding to sleep, cue terrible crying every night. We sit and stroke her back and talk calmly to her while she rages. Now it’s down to 15-20 minutes but it’s so tough. I can’t face that when she wakes in the night- tried to cut night feeds completely as per advice but just ended up a tearful exhausted emotional zombie. Now I just bring her in with me and latch her on, but still worry that it’s confusing her to sleep with boob.
If there is one thing I have learned its do what you want and don’t listen to anyone’s advice as all our problems and most miserable moments with sleep have come from listening to HVs with a one size fits all behaviour model.
I think if I had just one piece of advice for new mums it would be exactly that Lucy, just don’t listen to anyone else! I’m exactly the same, all of the OMG moments I’ve had with Elle have been when I’ve gone against my instincts because of peer pressure. We had exactly the same thing, wanting to go to bed at 10/11 and I tried to put her to bed at 7, to establish a routine, but she’d just be completely awake and it was totally pointless and a waste of several hours trying to force her to sleep when she clearly didn’t want to. This lasted a few weeks and then bed time slowly crept back to an earlier time. If you’re happy feeding her to sleep, I’d say carry on! Putting Elle to bed definitely got tougher when she weaned…and I miss having that easy method in the middle of the night when she’s raging too!!! x
Ahhhh I feel you! My little girl is 21 months almost and still doesn’t often sleep through (sorry) but it goes up and down. 12-14 months was a nightmare for us too, it might be developmental. Then it just suddenly got better one day! 18-20 months was even worse, I’m talking 6+ wake ups a night, I thought I might die of sleep deprivation. But again, it just stopped. I’m fine with 1-2 wake ups as long as she goes back to sleep easily, it’s when she doesn’t that it kills me. I’ve accepted the fact that my baby isn’t one of those perfect ‘oh she goes down at 7pm and I don’t hear a peep until 7am’ types – I know babies who have been like this that have turned into nightmare toddlers though so I think they all have their time!! Hang in there, it WILL get better. X ps I’m now totally one of those annoying ‘just you wait till they’re mobile!’ mums too, turns out they were so right!
Thank you for this Sarah 🙂 it does sound like lots of Mums have this fussy phase around 12-14 months and I will brace myself for 18-20 months…ekkkk.
HA glad I’m not the only one…x
Oh no! Thought I’d just cracked sleeping, I’m not looking forward to the regression! I honestly don’t know how some super mums can cope with broken sleep for months or even years, I found it soo tough, especially when you feel everyone else’s baby sleeps like a dream and you need to ‘fix’ yours. My baby is now 6 months and sleeps 12 hours. This will probably not be popular but I tried to follow the routine in Gina Ford’s Contented Little Baby Book. He’s always had a set bedtime at 7.30pm and then would be woken for a ‘dream feed’ at 11.30pm. He started with two wake ups between the late feed and 7am and at 10 weeks went to one, 16 weeks slept through and at 24 weeks I dropped the dream feed (he is having solids in the day). He has slept in a big cot in his own room from 12 weeks as banging on the sides of the Moses basket and my husband clattering around in the morning would wake him up. I think you have got to go with your instincts and do what you think is right and try not to compare as it can be really disheartening for those brand new mummas just trying to get through the day! I will be sticking to a similar routine if I have another baby as I think it’s made my life a lot easier and more predictable, happy mum = happy baby ☺️
We totally agree that happy Mum = happy baby Claire and it sounds like your little one thrived on routine! Even if I had wanted to try that approach with Elle it just wouldn’t have worked, she was breastfed on demand and even now has more of a ‘schedule’ than a set routine. Fingers crossed no sleep regressions for you! x