When did I become an adult? I mean I’m pretty sure I am still young and care free only thinking about what I’m going to wear to the pub or whether that seriously fit guy is going to be at said pub.
Instead I spend most days surrounded by the chaos of motherhood. Toys strewn everywhere and am normally in my pyjamas by 7pm purely as I’ve been covered in some sort of sticky mixture of yoghurt and snot since lunchtime.
I wouldn’t change being a mummy for anything but sometimes I stop short and can’t quite understand how I am old enough to have two children. And more importantly how I can be responsible for these two amazing beings. Surely I am not grown up enough for that? Being a grown up means oodles of serious things like planning for the future and keeping these little girls of mine safe every single day. Sometimes I’m just not sure I can deal with it.
How can I have that level of responsibility? Being the one who is there to ensure my girls are happy, healthy and loved every second of the day. Heck, how can I even be responsible for ensuring they have something to eat every day. Toast and jam counts as a balanced dinner right?!
Being a grown up means constant worry. A life of worrying about everything. I worry about whether I am a good mum, if I’ve spent enough time with them and if they are eating enough. I even worry if I’ve forgotten to clean their teeth. Then there are the worries for their future. Will they have happy lives? What will the world be like that they grow up in and can I do anything at all to protect them from the sometimes horrible place this world is becoming.
I’ve learnt that being a grown up means being very tired, all the time. When I was a youngster I could stay in bed till midday or climb in to bed for an afternoon power nap. I could just stay in bed all day watching Shipwrecked on T4 if I so desired. I very much miss that but I also very much like snuggling on the sofa with the girls even if it is to watch yet another episode of Peppa Pig and if I only get to sit there for 2 minutes before they request another drink/snack/trip to the toilet.
Now I’m a so called grown up I have to make serious decisions. Ones that will affect the girls future. Things like what school they will go to or where we should buy a new house that means moving areas and uprooting the girls. It’s no longer a decision based on which houses we like. It has to be near aforementioned schools and a house that works for us as a family. I had to make decisions about work that were in the best interests of the girls and Edd has had to sacrifice time with the family in order to allow me to do that whilst he works silly hours. It’s a delicate balancing act.
And that’s another thing. The sacrifices. The girls come first, always. And if that means I have to go without or not do things I want to then so be it. They are my priority.
I’m just not sure I’m qualified to make these kind of decisions or for this level of responsibility. How on earth can I know what is the best things for two small people in every element of their life? I suppose that a lot of that comes just by being a mum. It’s a natural thing no matter how scary that may be.
So, no, I don’t want to be a grown up. But I do want to be the best mummy I can be. So very much. And I guess those two things go hand in hand.
Image by Anna at We Are The Clarkes.
I’m feeling this today! I’m on my way to quit my job- a month after returning from maternity leave. I thought going back to work was ‘the right thing to do’ and nursery was what my son ‘should’ do once he turned one. My job has been a complete and utter nightmare so I’m going to delve into being a stay at home mum (whilst studying and working freelance). Is that the right thing? Will he miss out not been at nursery? Will we miss the money to the point it will cause arguments? we are looking at relocating out of London so I’d need to leave anyway, but is that the right choice for him? Will he be bored growing up somewhere rural like I did? Will the schools actually be better? Will my husbands longer commute kill him? Today I want to be a child again!
Oh Anna. I feel for you. What a big day and best of luck with telling work. In answer to all your worries it will all be fine. He will not miss out. I made these same choices and life is pretty good. Molly only went to nursery for a few months and actually was way happier at home. I just did baby groups with her so she still mixed with lots of other kids and we have always done fun things at home. Plus being in the country is the best (I am too from a little village). Work wise, it will all be ok and freelancing is a great idea. Good luck and I think you will deserve a glass of wine later on. You have to be a grown up to do that so there are some plus points!! xx
I think it’s when you make the sensible choice that you realise you are a grown up. Putting an unexpected windfall into savings for your child, not blowing it on a holiday. Not accepting a friend’s offer of one of their dogs puppies because you know you don’t have time, no matter how cute they are. Not buying the cream sofa that will be trashed and covered in jam. When your head has to rule your heart, but only because your heart is so full with love for your little one it has transformed your head.
Lucy what a lovely sentiment and beautiful put.
I do sometimes catch my reflection in a shop window when pushing my buggy and think “haha who on earth has left you in charge of their baby?!”
Oh wow! I’m sure so many (probably all) mums can identify with these feelings. My baby is now just over four months old and even though I’ve managed to get my head around being a mum slowly, it is still such an emotional roller coaster every day. No longer being number one can be quite tough!
But I love this quote from Lucy:
When your head has to rule your heart, but only because your heart is so full with love for your little one it has transformed your head.
I want to hold on to this sentiment when I’m feeling a little resentful about my new role and remind myself why I make certain sacrifices.
Lucy I love what you said too! Well written!!
My little one hasn’t arrived yet but I’m already changing the way I do things…..for example choosing the sensible pram option (easy to use, light etc) instead of the pretty pram. Doh!!
Last year one of my beautiful cats died. His name was Watson. He was only 3, he thought he was a dog. He was lovely. He got poorly after probably eating something deeply inappropriate and passed away at the vets after a short illness. The vet asked if we wanted him cremated, and foolishly we said no, labouring under the misapprehension that burying him would be the proper way to say goodbye. We brought him home, wrapped in his little blanket and then both my husband and I promptly burst into tears. Who was going to dig the hole at the bottom of the garden? Surely there must be an adult around to do that for us? After a while, we realised no one else was going to do it for us – we had to take the spade and dig it ourselves. My husband was the one who did it in the end and he was taken back by how emotional it was. That’s when we realised that at the age of 30 and 37 and the proud parents of a one year old, even then, we still looked for someone else, some one more responsible to come and hold our hand and do the hard things for us.
Adulting is hard.
This has really resonated with me this morning. I don’t want to be a grown up either! Being a Mum is my greatest acheivement. At 2 years old I still look at his little face every day and think ‘Wow look what we made!’
I have a close group of friends who i’ve know since we were 11 and we all have 2 year olds and we still feel as silly as were back then. We don’t feel grown up at all, but of course we are. All the big decisions, the mum guilt, the constant worrying that I wish I could work less than 4 days a week but can’t afford to but its worth it as we now have a 3 bed house with a garden instead of a 2 bed flat. The fun things on my to-do list (photo albums, pinterest board for decorating ideas) get put aside in favour of the overflowing ironing basket and toddler recipe ideas! Its so rock n roll being a mum but I wouldn’t change a thing (Well maybe work less but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do!)
Oh Lottie, this is so beautifully written, It brought tears to my eyes. I only have a 7-month-old yet, but I wholeheartedly know what you mean. I still catch myself and saying “Mummy is MY Mum! How can I be Mummy to this precious little human??” It is one hell of a rollercoaster! And I feel I need my own Mum more than ever. I need her knowledge and experience. Here’s to our own mothers and to how they did pretty well with us. I’ll be so grateful if I manage to be like her!