A family blog seems like a strange place to discuss no longer having children, but I suppose the eventuality comes to most families when they ask the question shall we have another, or shall we hang up our hats?
My husband Rob and I have been blessed with three healthy, happy, beautiful children which we absolutely adore, and for that reason we have decided to concentrate all of our love and attention on these three gorgeous souls, and stick as a family of five.
My husband broached the subject of finalising our family of five after a pregnancy scare. Whilst I was secretly hoping for two lines to appear on the pregnancy test, my husband was visibly relieved it was only one. He knew having another baby would undoubtably impact the lives of our current children. We would most definitely have had to have bought another car, possibly looked at moving house or extending and we certainly wouldn’t have been able to afford going out to dinner, cinema or other weekend adventures with these financial implications. Whilst I was already working out my due date, choosing names and wondering if it would be a boy or a girl.
I wasn’t prepared for the heartbreak I would feel seeing only one line instead of two and tried to convince my husband we should have another child. His reasons for not extending our family were far stronger than mine for pro creating again, and after discussing all the pros and cons I’d gone from wanting to have another baby to agreeing to him having a vasectomy.
I must confess I was a little shocked he wanted to have it done. From what I can gather from friends husbands they have not been as keen to mess with their bits and pieces and need some gentle persuading, but volunteer he did. He wasn’t once nervous and still stands by his (our) decision to have it done.
We’d explored many methods of contraception before agreeing on the procedure and had several consultations with our doctor and the consultant carrying out the procedure before booking a date. This really was our last option.
The procedure itself was relatively straight forward, taking place at our local Doctors surgery. I naively took along a book hoping to get a bit of me time, but I’d barely managed a chapter before it was complete and I was taking him home to nurse. We had to keep the children from jumping on him for a few days, but other than that the recovery period was super quick.
It has currently been a month since his procedure and I still get a pang of sadness that we will no longer be having another baby. I still whole heartedly agree with my husbands decisions for not having another child, and in all honesty I can not envision how another child would fit into our current family dynamics, but the finality of it all definitely upsets me. After all we make such beautiful babas. (Totally biased mum here).
We still have a little way to go in our journey yet, my husband still has to have the all clear from the consultant that the procedure was a success. Maybe there’s still time for another baby after all? I’m a great believer in things happening for a reason.
Has anybody else decided not to extend their family and considered a permanent contraception procedure? Was it your idea, or did your partner take a little coaxing?
Image by Little Beanies
I completely understand your reasoning and it is something I have considered now we have our gorgeous girls. It’s really interesting how it was Rob who broached the subject as it’s opposite to most of my friends I know who have been through this. It has tended to be the woman who wanted them to get it done and in the main the men resisted. For a few the decision was made easier after, like you, the prospect of another pregnancy. I think it’s a really difficult one as one one hand we are extremely lucky to be able to have children but equally you do know when your family is complete, whether that is for practical financial or emotional reasons. Thank you for sharing xxx
We don’t take out three little beauties for granted for one little bit. As lovely as another child would be, and I know we’d find love in our hearts, homes and bank balance for them, we decided to take control and to fully concentrate on the ones we already have and shower them with love. They light up our lives and deserve everything and more, which we’ve definitely struggled to provide in the past. xxx
Very timely post as this is something I have been thinking about almost non-stop since having my second six months ago. My husband is keen to stop at two (money and sleep being the main reasons!) and has made noises about having a vasectomy. However, while I would have been happy to stop at one, since having a second I have been so broody and desperately want another! I understand my husband’s reasons and I know that he is right, but that doesn’t override the emotional desire for another (however, when I do come to terms with not having any more he is definitely having the snip!).
It’s funny how knowing you can’t do something installs a desire to want it more. I was keen to get pregnant again after having our youngest Anabelle, I even considered repeating the 14 month age gap the boys have between them, but the desire was replaced month by month as parenting gets easier and you get a little bit more of your life back. Maybe leave it another couple of months yet Pips and see how you both feel xxx
So many feels! I’m 32 weeks with number 2 and I’m not ok with this being our last baby. My husband has a mantra of 2 kids and a dog or 3 kids, which is just mean!
As the oldest of 3 I can see his point- 3 car seats won’t fit across the back of so many cars, one child gets the sofa bed on holiday apartments (always me…) let alone more! But my mother (4th of 5) is on a totally unsubtle campaign for “endangered 4th children” and I have a sneaky sympathy with her…
Fair dos to Rob for being keen to take the initiative! I’m impressed. Made the point that maybe it was P’s turn to have stitches down there but for some reason this didn’t appeal.
I thought I always wanted 3 Lucy S, until I had three and then I wanted another. Now I’m not sure I would have ever had a magic number to have stop feeling broody again, so common sense definitely made this decision for us. Perhaps after baby number 2 you’ll know too. xxx
This is me…. we had our 3rd child a little under a year ago and since then I have been so broody! We decided a long long time ago that we wanted to be a 3 child family and we are so very blessed and grateful that we are, but now I know I won’t be having another it all seems so sad! Like you I know all the practical reasons and we are jam packed with stuff to do for the other kids but as a woman and mother it doesn’t stop me feeling sad that I’ll never see those 2 lines again, I’ll never grow a wonderful creation for 9 months, perversely I’ll never give birth – I mean the list goes on! But I just have to keep telling myself it’s the baby stage I love – the talking back and not doing as they’re asked isn’t – 4-fold of that would send me over the edge! So like you, it’s time to call it a day with the babies and concentrate on the amazing futures of 1, 2 and 3 xxx still feel sad though 🙁
When you’ve loved being pregnant, loved giving birth and the sleepless nights have paled into insignificance compared to the gorgeous little darling you hold in your arms it is definitely hard to not want that again & again. Big hugs to you Beckie, I know the battle you are having with your self, it goes against all our motherly instincts to make the decision not to have another baby. But being a mother you sacrifice everything for your (current) babies which lead me to make our decision to not have anymore, and I’m sure has lead you to make yours xxx
I literally had a conversation about this yesterday with some other mummy friends! It seems weird but it’s been on my mind a lot since our second baby was born 11 weeks ago. My husband is set on two and I’ve always said two or three depending on how things go with two. Some of my mum friends are adamant that they’re done, I don’t feel like that but equally I’m not definite about wanting another.
I think the reason it’s playing on my mind is the not knowing whether this is the last time I will be doing this. Is this the last first smile or the last first gurgle of laughter? Don’t get me wrong these moments are still incredibly precious, but if it is the last time then it puts a different slant on it all. From next week she’s not really a newborn anymore and that makes me a bit sad.
I’ve always been in awe of people who know for definite they are done. I am the same in that I couldn’t specifically envision another child, but I’d never say never.
You saviour every moment with your little one Agnes and maybe you’ll come to a clearer conclusion in time xxx
Eek I have jumped over the ‘you have three perfectly lovely kids’ and went for number 4 – I’m 12 weeks pregnant. This one wasn’t planned but I am completely ok with being a bit daredevil and going for it, although I’m a bit meh about the age gap, my youngest is 5 and eldest 10, so this will be a real ‘wee late one’ as they say where I’m from. We’ve accepted that holidays are out the window this year (and prob next) and are trying to choose the most attractive ‘family bus’ we can afford. I do feel that the next year will be hard and at times feel guilty that I’m doing this to the three older kids but I hope I can spread myself a little thinner and that they’ll feel just as loved as they always have. Scary biscuits but I’m keeping my positive hat on for now 🙂
Ah Emma congratulations, this is such lovely news. I am very jealous. I know you will make it work, families always do. You are obviously meant to have four gorgeous baba’s which is why you’ve been blessed with another. Definitely keep that positive hat on xxx
My husband had his vasectomy when our daughter was 8 months old in 2015. It was a simple decision for us both – we had a boy and a girl and really had no desire to have any more children. I had not been able to go on the pill since I had my son in 2011 as the hormonal changes make me a mess so we had been using condoms since then and didnt want that to be our contraception forever. He went to his GP of his own accord and the GP asked if I had tried enough alternatives!! I was fuming, why should it be my body that suffers?!
The procedure itself was very distressing for my husband but he hates needles and wasnt given enough local at first but shortly he was completely numb but still terrified! Thankfully it was over quickly. He still goes on about the horror today – i am kind enough not to remind him that my labours lasted a lot longer and i wasn’t numb with anaesthetic 😉
My main advice would be to not put pressure on your husband but also don’t just stay on the pill/implant/coil for his sake. My hormones have taken a battering over the last 6 years (16 if you count how long I was on the pill before) and I am a much better person now I am not on any contraception.
I think people also need to have the conversation about what happens if your relationship ends as they really go on about it before the procedure (our nurse quoted divorce stats at us!) But thankfully we had both decided that we wouldnt have any more children with each other or anyone else!
Hi Francesca some really great advice there thank-you for sharing your experience too. I was fully prepared for all the divorce stats and questions about us separating, but they weren’t nearly as intrusive as I’d thought they were going to be. We were asked how long we’d been together and married and also if we’d want more children ever, not just with each other, but that was about it. xxx
I have 2 gorgeous girls that are all I’ve ever dreamed of and I’m certain we won’t have anymore for several reasons and I think, that is I think I’m ok with it. My hubby doesn’t want any more kids and I’m happy with what we have but a small part of me wonders what if…. when does that go away if ever??
I’ve come to the conclusion that I won’t ever stop feeling broody Aimee, which is why my head made our decision rather than my heart. xxx
I’ve got 2 and after the first I thought ‘I definitely want 3’, then during the second pregnancy I felt strongly that this would be the last one as I felt soooo sick for most of it and I struggled with pelvic / hip pain and felt like I was being a rubbish mummy to my first child, so I was adamant that was it! As soon as number 2 was born and I got that rush of amazing love I went back to thinking ‘there’s got to be a third!’ A few months on I don’t know, at the moment I think I’m probably done but I don’t want to 100% rule it out so wouldn’t consider anything drastic like a vasectomy. My husband on the other hand is confident we are done at 2, which does make me a bit sad. For me it’s that amazing day when they are born and you finally meet this little person and fall head over heels in love – the thought of never doing that again upsets me but I suppose it may still upset me after number 3….? I can list loads of practical reasons why it would be better to stop at 2 but my heart knows that all those reasons wouldn’t compare to the love we’d have for another child! Such a tough one! x
Ah it’s SO tough Sarah, I’m sat here currently dreaming of life with another baby, even though I know we can’t have another, and you’re SO right from a practicality point of view there are SO many reasons not to have a baby, but when they arrive the overwhelming love takes over xxx
I have two beautiful children (a little girl and baby boy) and with my first I always knew I wanted another and became broody very quickly. Since having my baby boy (7 months ago) I thankfully haven’t felt broody at all and feel that we are a complete family of four. Financially as well as physically I know that this is the best decision and my partner is looking into having a vasectomy which was also his idea and I completely agree with. I feel my body has been through enough and we agree we wouldn’t want anymore children with different partners if we were to ever separate. Hoping he’ll be eligible for it, due to his age (28) as we really are certain we will be a family of four. Xx
There isn’t necessarily an age limit on the procedure Cerys, they take your current situation and desires into account, so if you’re sure ,I’m certain your partner would be granted a vasectomy. xxx
I also keep stroking my little boy’s face while saying that he’s my last baby! All very bitter sweet, but I feel slightly relieved knowing he’s our last and we can treasure both with all our love and attention xx
Very bittersweet Cerys, but obviously totally the right decision for you xxx
Aw, my first is almost 9 months and although it won’t be for a while, I do already look forward to having another. I’ve loved these last 9 months so much and I would probably get broody for a third! We always said we would like two, potentially three. But I’m pretty sure that we wouldn’t be able to afford a bigger house and car for a third. It’s sad when your decisions have to be made by finances and not your heart! X
So sad that practicality has to play a part in our decisions. 🙁 xxx