Morning. I’m just stepping in briefly to welcome today’s guest post. One of our lovely readers is bravely opening up about her experience of undergoing IVF and the multitude of emotions that entails. It isn’t always easy, and it isn’t always successful, and I have every bit of admiration and love for what she has been through. She has asked if we can keep her anonymous but will be commenting below so please do feel free to ask any questions or leave comments as usual.
Statistically, 84% of people will fall pregnant within one year. I am extremely impatient by nature and when we started “trying to conceive” (urgh – anyone else hate that phrase?!), I used to take comfort from that statistic. But what happens when you’re on the wrong side of the stats? For us, who officially fell into the unexplained infertility camp, it meant IVF.
For many, IVF is seen as the magic bullet to infertility. Yes, it sounds expensive and inconvenient but worth it for a guaranteed baby –in certain countries, you can even choose what sex you get. The reality is that the success rate is on average less than 30% and when faced with those odds the feeling of hopelessness is just crushing. NHS funding in this area is extremely limited, often restricted to just one cycle and has in fact been withdrawn completely in certain boroughs. We soon learnt that one cycle is often needed as a diagnostic tool just to know what the hell is going on. There are so many variables in the process (or more accurately, opportunities for it to go wrong), one shot is rarely enough.
I cannot rate my IVF consultant highly enough yet our first cycle felt like a disaster. We started off on what is known as a “long protocol” which meant weeks of injections to put my body into a menopausal state (hello hot flashes, night sweats, random bleeds and RAGE) before stimulating it to produce a number of eggs (hello painful, angry ovaries and bloating). Typically, and depending on age the aim is to produce between 10-15 eggs per cycle. Despite close monitoring and an increase in my drugs part way through I produced 5 which already felt like a failure.
Before the eggs can be fertilised, they need to be collected. For me, this was one of the most painful things I have ever endured. Although you are highly sedated for the procedure itself, once this wore off I was in agony. At this stage in the process it is still possible to convince yourself that its going to be worth it though and that night I indulged guilt free in wine, cake and pizza after months of feeling like I was ruining my fertility whenever sugar/gluten/alcohol passed my lips.
Eggs are usually left to fertilise overnight so I spent that 24 hours watching my phone like an unexploded bomb waiting for the call to find out how many had actually fertilised and were ready to move onto the next level in this torturous game. I cant describe the crushing disappointment when I was told only one egg had fertilised. This was a complete curve ball for us given that we had no known male infertility factors and given my age (under 35) my egg quality should have been good. One of the main aims of IVF is to produce a number of embryos (fertilised eggs) so that you can pick the “best” one to be implanted. Unfortunately for us, we now didn’t have that choice.
Our lone embryo was implanted after 3 days of monitoring. It was rated as “good quality” and so a flame of hope was ignited that we would be one of the lucky ones who overcame the odds and got pregnant after producing just one embryo. That flame of hope is a b@st@rd by the way. Embryo transfer is definitely the best part about IVF. Its a bit like a smear in terms of process (legs in stirrups, clamp holding everything wide open) whilst a nurse carries out an ultrasound on your stomach so the consultant can see where to place the embryo but the magical part is seeing your three day old potential baby on a screen before it is sucked up to be placed inside you. Definitely an emotional time although the process also requires a full bladder so there is an underlying feeling of not trying to pee all over the consultant whilst his head is between your legs.
Those who have “tried to conceive” (URGH, URGH, URGH) will know all about the two week wait where post ovulation you count down the days until you can accurately test and find out whether you are pregnant. Its pretty much the same principle for IVF but in addition you take further drugs in the form of progesterone pessaries to ensure the lining of your uterus is optimal. These can go in either the front or back passage or as my nurse told me “best to mix it up so neither area gets too sore”.
Its impossible to describe how you feel when you’re staring at a stark white pregnancy test and you’re faced with the realisation that your cycle has failed. Immediately afterwards I was distraught but there was also this weird sense of relief that I was off this nightmare rollercoaster and my body would return to some sort of normality. Then the drug comedown kicks in (I was on steroids at the end of the cycle and definitely felt withdrawal) and it all just feels bleak. I was utterly drained and just did not know where to turn – it made me question everything and there was also the added blow that we had just wasted the best part of £10,000 on what was essentially a gamble with rubbish odds.
Why were we working to provide for a family that we might not ever have? What was the point in living in a house with three spare bedrooms? Why are we even married? People try to offer solutions “have you thought about adoption?” “oh yes, because that’s such an easy process – think I’ll pick out a baby tomorrow”. All I wanted to do was scream, break things and cry. I hear of people that go through difficult times and can pick themselves up and block it all out. Turns out, I am not one of those people. I think my biggest achievement in the weeks afterwards was watching a month’s worth of TV in a weekend. It all just felt so utterly unfair. How can something which is literally SO easy for some people that “accidents” happen seem so impossibly unreachable. We knew that our only realistic hope of getting pregnant would be another cycle yet getting back on the treadmill of scans, tests, injections and procedures felt horrifically daunting without any guarantees of a better outcome – in fact, now faced with the knowledge that I produced so few eggs and my husband’s sperm and my eggs appeared to repel each other, it just felt pointless and a complete waste of money.
I found one of the most difficult parts of IVF to be the feeling of isolation. For the majority of people who haven’t gone through the process, it is very difficult to comprehend how emotionally and physically draining the whole thing can be which makes it very difficult to talk about with friends and family. Those who you do talk to, tend to want to “look on the bright side” rather than the uncomfortable reality. And believe me, when going through infertility and a failed cycle, there is nothing worse than being told to “think positive and it will happen” as if my mood somehow controls my womb – the basic underlying message being that my attitude is somehow impacting the overall outcome and I am actually to blame.
My husband’s colleague asked me why the process was so tough – “is it the injections?”, “was it painful”, “was it tiring?” etc etc. It was like trying to describe what water tastes like. Physically, its undoubtedly an extremely tough slog (although I know some people who have said they sailed through). Before, during and after I underwent repeated internal examinations – its become second nature to strip off during medical appointments and I’ve had to stop myself taking my jeans off at a visit to the dentist – so its undoubtedly invasive but its also so much more than that.
Mentally, I’ve felt alone, hopeless and with a never ending draining monologue of “what next/what if”. All areas of my life have been impacted or put on hold. I would like to say my marriage is stronger but I found myself resenting my husband when I was going through endless injections, invasive tests and nerve wracking scans whilst his entire contribution was producing a sample. Work-wise, I used to think of myself as ambitious but instead passed up job opportunities so that I was able to take time out for IVF easily. And sadly friendships have been lost as I felt the need to isolate myself from potential pregnancy announcements (also known as “baby bombs”) and happy families – I feel like a horrible person as I often resent others’ happiness even though it has no impact on my own. Overall, I have definitely lost who I am and I am not sure when I’ll get that back.
But I’ve also learnt how strong friendships can be and will always remember my heavily pregnant friend visiting me after my failed cycle to just listen to me sob and not offer me platitudes but instead make it clear that she completely understood if I couldn’t cope with seeing her for a while or meeting her new baby. It felt like such a relief for someone to actually understand the blackness without trying to find a solution. I’ve also learnt how much harder other people have it. For us, its taken two rather lengthy, highly medicated, expensive and painful cycles to become pregnant but for many I have met along the way, their outcome is likely to be very different. And that’s the toughest part. You just do not know how many cycles it will take, when is enough really enough and will there always be that sense of regret from not trying one more time. You are basically trapped on a rollercoaster that you cannot get off unless you hit the jackpot or accept childlessness.
Thank you dearest, brave, lovely woman (whoever you are) for writing this. I’ve never known the reality of what you’ve been through, but I feel like now I have a much better understanding of both the process and how to speak with friends who will inevitably have to tread this path.
I’m sorry that you’ve felt so alone. Honestly, as a woman from the other side of the stats, it’s hard to know what the right thing to do or say is. Like many topics regarding fertility/pregnancy/parenting… I feel like the world would be a much better place if we could drop the taboos and just support each other as women, regardless of what life is throwing at us.
Thank you for the lovely comment – really appreciate it. Its definitely tough to know what to do or say when there isn’t a right or easy answer unfortunately. And agree completely – it should just be about support whatever the subject matter
I feel like a fraud even though I also had IVF, we were successful the first time round, got lots of eggs and have got 4 frozen embryos. I found it all unpleasant but not too bad. Out issue was with hubbys sperm so this is probably why it felt ‘easy’ for want of a better word. unlike my best friend who also had to have IVF and only got successful after 3 rounds and 3 frozen transfers, with her very last available embryo, our IVF stories could not be more different and I didn’t have a clue how to support her! I’m not bothered about telling people, in fact it seems the best way to shut people down when they ask if I’ll have another baby. What gives someone the right to ask such personal questions of a stranger!! But the more I tell people the more I find out that IVF is more common then we think. 2 other people in my office are going through it and one was just about to start after 3 years trying but fell pregnant naturally.
i’m like you Claire – i very easily and happily talk about it. If people want to ask, be prepared for the onslaught of ‘no, we aren’t having any more, after the twins cost us 25k’.
I think i’m a bit odd, in that I really enjoyed the whole process. Our issue was also sperm (we had to use donor sperm as my husband has zero sperm count), so maybe that’s the difference, I never had to ‘endure’ the trying to conceive, we knew it was straight to IVF when we wanted to start our family.
But we got lucky, we got ‘two for the price of one’ – oh, if only people knew how much that price tag really was when they said that!
Nikki, I do get the enjoying it to an extent as you’re actually doing something to get you closer to a family. I was actually really open with our first cycle but then found the comments/suggestions difficult to deal with when it didn’t work. Now I’m past 20 weeks pregnant, I’ve been relatively open but I still can’t quite believe this pregnancy will result in a baby so find it hard to discuss even being pregnant – let alone how we did it! Blimey, writing it down I sound v messed up 😉
Huge congratulations on your twins – i know using donor (whether sperm or egg) can be difficult for couples to agree on xxx
Oh, don’t get me wrong .. once I found out I was pregnant, especially with twins, I spent EVERY day in absolute fear that something would go wrong, and not really enjoying the pregnancy for fear of that – mentally, i found the pregnancy much harder than the IVF. I wish I could turn back the clock to try and enjoy it (i had such an easy, straightforward pregnancy, but I lived in complete fear), and couldn’t believe it would result in a baby(ies) either.
You don’t sound messed up, you sound like someone who went through a very difficult, and emotional time to get something that so many people find easy and enjoyable to do – it affects us all differently xx
I knew when I met my husband (within 2 weeks) that if we every got married and started a family, it would have to be with donor sperm, so it was ultimately my decision to stay with him and go through that. The issue wasn’t that he couldn’t have children, it would have been if he didn’t want, which luckily for us, he did, and we now have our girls. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, and try to enjoy every day x
you definitely shouldn’t feel like a fraud – it worked on our second try (crossing fingers, touching wood!) and my perspective/experience was v different. And agree, I’ve been surprised how many people have “gone through it” too
Thanks for your story. We were fortunate to be successful on the first nhs cycle (we could have had 2 attempts). We too collected 5 eggs/ 2 fertilised and one is now a bubbly 14 month old. It was one of the toughest things we’ve been through, and that’s being successful first time so I can’t even imagine what it’s like for others with multiple failed cycles.
The loneliness I can relate to also, I had very sympathetic friends but honestly I probably held them all at arms length – especially when one pregnancy announcement became two then siblings appeared etc. The time to even get to ivf can feel like a lifetime. The various suggestions (relax(!!) and have you considered adoption were also not at all helpful, nor anecdotes suggesting we try ‘xyz cos it worked for neighbour’s friend’s sister’s aunt’ or whoever! Trust me, it’s been tried, considered, dismissed or whatever by that point.
We’ve now got the dilemma of trying more cycles to get a sibling – I’m not sure I’m even mentally prepared for falling down that rabbit hole of drugs and protocols yet…
yes there always seems to be that couple that EVERYONE knows who tried [insert as appropriate] and it worked for them. I know the suggestions come from a good place but when you’re in the middle of it, its hard to hear. V glad its worked for you though and good luck if you try again
It is such a hard process and so hard for those who haven’t been through it to even get an inkling of what it’s really like. It’s the complete not knowing of whether it will ever work or not. Putting your life on hold whilst you go through one cycle after another. Trying to plod through everyday life but not finding enjoyment in anything. I had 8 rounds of ivf altogether and now I am finally pregnant with our first. I have 4 more embryos frozen so we have a chance at a second. I can’t comprehend how amazing it must feel to be able to try naturally and know that you can conceive and it will happen within a year.
❤
yup, that’s exactly it – plodding on and trying to be “normal” but just about functioning – 8 cycles must have been such a slog.
I also find it hard to comprehend that people have sex and actually end up with a baby!
Congratulations on your pregnancy
A midwife friend of mine said it is actually quite incredible that two people can have sex once and conceive immediately – the whole science behind it is mindblowing. Best of luck x
I conceive very very easily but have issues with recurrent miscarriage. Getting a positive pregnant test or even a positive 12 week scan isn’t a guarantee for me. I think a lot of roads to a family can be hard for a myriad of reasons but how evilly by talking about it we can all have more empathy towards each other x
Hopefully not how evilly. Bad typo!
There’s definitely no guarantees unfortunately and recurrent miscarriage must be heart breaking – so difficult to live with that constant sense of fear xx
You took the words out of my mouth. After an epic struggle, I’m currently sitting in a hospital room on EC (egg collection) day, alone, as my husband is being operated for his part. This article couldn’t have been better timed. You’ve put into words exactly how the whole process so far feels and my expectations of what’s to come. All I can say is thank you for being brave and sharing x
Talk about timing! Sending so many positive vibes your way… good luck and stay strong ❤❤
Very glad it came at the right time for you Bloss – will be thinking of you today xxx
Thank you so much for your bravery and honesty. Those two words – the blackness – absolutely hit home.
Im sure your words will give strength to other women going through a similar experience. The reality truly isn’t always a magic wand.
For us, even that door was slammed in our face as we were told our only option was privately funded ICSI with hardly any chance of success. Our priorities were thrown into sharp focus and we decided against it in favour of adoption. (Like the choice is that easy… but today isn’t my story).
I’m so happy for you that your second round has been successful. I hope you’re out of the woods and well into your pregnancy. Wishing you and your family all the health and happiness in the world xxx
Thanks very much Karen – agree completely that none of it is easy – whether its IVF, adoption, donor, surrogate but unfortunately think its often assumed to be. I hope you are getting through the adoption process – I cant pretend to know the ins and outs but imagine its a similar rollercoaster
You’re a superhero for getting through that, anon. I had absolutely no idea why IVF was so exhausting and difficult. I’d heard mentions but, through this post, I can totally imagine how I would feel – exactly the same as you (especially with the breaking everything!). Thank you lots for writing about this, it’s so important.
I wanted to highlight the part about not wanting to hear of other people’s pregnancies etc when going through something like that. There are probably people reading this in exactly the same position so PLEASE don’t feel bad about feeling this way. It’s such a normal, natural response to want to avoid having the happiness/joy currently denied to you dangled in your face by someone else, however much they obviously don’t meant to do that. It’s so important when going through something like this that you do what you need to do to get through it. People should understand and, if they don’t, it’s their problem not yours. Until they walk a day in your shoes, they can’t tell you how to feel.
I’m so glad to hear you are now pregnant, wishing you all the very best.
Your post made me feel quite teary (in a good way!). And agree completely about putting yourself first through it all and doing whatever that is to make it easier. Think woman generally are guilty of feeling obliged to behave a certain way and we really shouldn’t! xx
Wow – the honesty in this post really comes through. I’m potentially facing the journey that you’re on and I’ve never really felt comfortable raising it with friends – you’ve given me a real insight into the process. Thank you for talking openly about such a personal experience.
Thank you Lou – really glad you found it helpful xxx
Thank you so much for sharing your brave and honest post with us all. It really helps me have an understanding of what many people go through and how unbelievably tough it can be. I am over the moon for you that it has now been successful and wish you every bit of love and happiness xx
Thank you Lottie for approving it for print and for the well wishes. Still finding it hard to believe to be honest xxx
Thank you for sharing. As a mum whose first baby was a NND (another TLA three letter acronym ugh) I wish I could tell you that the resentment of baby bombs disappears. Even though your friendships have changed or are lost the ones that remain are the ones that are worth it. Big love and hugs xx
Heart goes out to you going through that Claire – truly awful. Love and hugs to you too xxx
I feel somewhat ashamed that up until your post today I had no comprehension of the toll that IVF takes on you – emotionally, mentally and physically. I knew that it was tough but reading your words has bought into sharp relief what exactly it is that you superhero women go through. I am in awe of you. I know of people both of my age and those that are older who have gone through the process – both unsuccessfully at first and then successfully in subsequent cycles yet have never spoken to them about it – probably for fear of saying the wrong thing or anticipating that actually they might not want to talk about it. So thank you for sharing all that you have gone through with us, for giving us an insight into the journey that you have been. You are brave, you have immense courage and I’m sending you virtual hugs and huge congratulations on your pregnancy. Wishing you all the best xxx
Thank you so much for your lovely message and definitely don’t feel ashamed. I was completely clueless to the process up until we actually started. Thanks too to you guys for creating such a platform where its possible to share such stories – I did find it difficult to write but its also helped me process the whole thing a lot more and now hear about so many others who have gone through similar xxx
Thank you for sharing your story. I have not endured IVF but have had fertility treatment to prevent me miscarrying. I am able to get pregnant but my body rejects the baby around the 7 week mark. People said helpful things to me like “at least you can get pregnant” which when you have repeatedly miscarried is not very helpful. But I can also identify with the feelings of resentment, jealousy and loss of self.
RMF thank you for sharing stories of loss, sadness and difficulties. I love this blog for the tips on buggies, nursery decor, birthday parties but also because you don’t shy away from the difficult issues.
As someone else has said if we talk about these things maybe we will all feel less alone. Something I realised recently is that within my NCT group most of us had complications: I had missed miscarriages; someone else had IVF; a couple of people had really difficult labours and a couple of the babies spent time in NICU. Some lucky people have an entirely straightforward experience of pregnancy and childbirth but for many of us there are complications at some stage.
Thank you for the message and very sorry to hear about your miscarriages – its all just heart breakingly hard. I think its easy to assume that people “have it easy” when theres often a lot more to it xxx
This is a honest and powerful account of the ivf process. It is very hard to explain the emotions of it but you have captured the pain of it (emotion and ovaries!). I have now had a baby but have had to compartmentalise the 2.5 years it took us to have a baby, I don’t talk about it or even really think about it.
A lot of people don’t even know I had ivf as I couldn’t bring myself to tell people I couldn’t get pregnant but I think I like that as now I am a ‘normal’ mum and finally on the right side of statistics.
Good luck on the rest of your pregnancy!
Fran, thank you for the lovely message and completely understand the desire to feel like a “normal mum”. I was at pregnancy yoga the other day and couldn’t help thinking “wow, I’m just like a normal pregnant person”!! Really glad its all worked out for you – its such a tough slog when you’re in it xx
IVF was something I put off for years due to my stupidly idealistic view that if fate meant us to get pregnant then we would. This was after losing a baby at 17 weeks, 9 years ago. Fast forward and I suddenly realised I was 38 and didn’t want to wake up one morning and realise what an idiot I was, especially when we were being offered 2 free opportunities on the NHS. So we did it. 5 eggs were fertilised and we are due in 3 weeks time. I have been terrified the whole time, every time I go to the loo I have looked down. I still can’t believe how lucky we have been but until I am holding that small wriggly person in my arms…the emotional side of the ‘journey’ has been the worst bit personally..I thought it would be the injections and physical bits as I’m pretty squeamish, but no, it was genuinely the rollercoaster of thoughts in my head.
I’m so pleased our wrote the article, more people need to be aware of the process and all it entails. Wishing you every success and lots of luck with your new addition! Xxx
So sorry to hear about your loss Anna – we had a couple of early losses but still can’t imagine how difficult a later loss must be. Congratulations on your pregnancy and can totally relate to the ongoing pregnancy anxiety – I’m constantly on knicker watch still! Lots of luck for the birth xxxx
Thank you so much to you for writing this and rock my family for addressing this topic. I didn’t have IVF but did have fertility treatment and I can totally understand everything you say. It affects every aspect of your life, it’s as if something is missing and you constantly question whether your future will be anything like you imagined. Current research states that the stress levels of women experiencing infertility are equivalent to those with cancer so it’s definitely not to be taken lightly. Before my struggle with infertility I worked in midwifery and spent some time in assisted conception – at that point I didnt fully appreciate the amount of stress that couples went through and I often think back and wonder if it happened for them. Hopefully people will read this post and feel comfort that they are not alone and for those lucky enough to fall pregnant easily- appreciate what they have and that it doesn’t come easy for others. After my experiences I am careful not to presume people don’t want Children because they don’t have any and also not to ask if they want any more children as secondary fertility is also to be considered. Wishing you all the best for the future.
That’s really interesting Lisa – I didn’t realise the stress levels were comparable to cancer but can fully believe it given how much it impacts every part of your life. It must be fascinating to have worked as a midwife and in assisted conception – you must have seen the whole spectrum! Thank you too for the well wishes xxx
Thank you for sharing this with us. You are so brave. I too, never realised how draining the process was, both physically and mentally. I am surrounded by such a mix pregnancy stories; 5 friends who got pregnant by just looking at a penis (!) and friends who have gone through IVF and I have so much respect for you ladies. Wishing you all the luck in the world x
Thanks Katie – that’s really kind of you to say xxx
Wow, thanks so much for sharing your experiences. This is an issue that isn’t understood or talked about enough, probably in large part due to how difficult it is to put something so upsetting into words. I have no personal experience of IVF but have supported a close friend through two cycles, the second of which was successful. I still look back and hope I said the right things to her. I really didn’t know how to tell her when I got pregnant, but thankfully she coped with it really well. I felt horrible for her at the time though – I know if I’d been in her position I would have been so resentful, despite myself. When my friend did conceive she had a very difficult pregnancy and her son was born with a serious medical condition, but he should be fine after an operation he has to have around the age of one. He has defied all the odds, but there have been times when I have wondered where her strength has come from.
Infertility is such an awful thing to have to endure for so many reasons. It always amazes me how insensitive some people can be. I would never even ask people if they’re planning a family/going to have more children, because you never know what they’re going through.
So glad the poster’s second attempt was successful – wishing you all the luck in the world with the rest of your pregnancy! x
Tracy, I am sure your friend really appreciated your support particularly given what a tough time she’s had and so lovely to hear she’s now got a little boy. I know I couldn’t have got through this without one friend in particular who kept telling me I could do it. It really does mean a lot. Its definitely made me more conscious of what I say in given situations and not to make assumptions. Very difficult though as you just don’t know what people are going through xx
Thank you for sharing your story & good luck with your pregnancy. I didn’t get as far as IVF, but did have a year of those invasive tests & fertility treatment (which, I appreciate is not nearly as hard as IVF), throughout which all 4 of my closest friends announced pregnancies & gave birth to healthy babies. While I was happy for them, I did feel very alone & resentful to be on the wrong side of the 1 in 5 who have problems. I also felt excluded when I realised that they had set up another whatsapp group which didn’t include me…even though I know they did it to save bombarding me with baby talk. It was really a catch 22…I would have been annoyed by the baby talk as much as the separate group. I completely agree, there’s truly no right thing to say to someone in that situation. True, it might happen, but it also might not.
I’m now 32 weeks &, despite the kicking, after such a long road to get here still can’t quite picture this ending in a baby.
Its definitely a no-win situation with friends sometimes – the intentions are always from a good place too so then I’d feel like a bitch for getting upset or resenting pregnancies. Congratulations on reaching 32 weeks xx
I just wanted to say thanks so much for sharing your story – I’m so glad that there was a happy ending and that you are now pregnant.
My husband and I struggled to get pregnant for a year. In that time we did three cycles of clomid due to irregular cycles – along with weekly acupuncture, reflexology, natural fertility diet, millions of supplements and Chinese herbs.
While I was doing all of this, three of my best friends got pregnant on the first month of “sort of trying”. I was super happy for them but it also sent me into a blind panic that there was definitely something wrong with me.
In the end we conceived naturally…. just as we booked our first appointment for looking into private IVF.
Looking back now (with a more rational head on) I think I was definitely being overly anxious for the amount of time we had been trying and I feel a bit silly, especially when I hear other people’s stories. You don’t know how much I respect women like you who have had to go through a lot more than that… especially considering you have to continue with everyday life/work etc etc. It’s such a testament to your strength.
I think my small experience of it all has definitely made me a lot more aware and empathetic of issues that other women may be having that I don’t know about… so for that I am glad!
Much love!
X
Thank you for the message Ellie and don’t feel silly about being anxious about it all. That’s what’s so hard – there is no crystal ball to say WHEN/IF it will actually happen. A year can seem like a very long time when you’re going through it. We only did clomid twice but had the worst PMT on those cycles xx
Ellie, your experience is so very similar to mine. It took us 10 months to conceive my son and with my friends falling pregnant so easily after ‘sort of trying’ it made me more anxious about the whole process which didn’t help at all. Now we are 10 months into trying for baby number 2 while (once again) the second babies for all my friends happened immediately. However, reading this post has made me realise that I have been a bit of an idiot. 10 months of trying falls into the ‘usual time frame’ and even if we don’t have another, I am so so lucky to have my son and it makes you appreciate things a whole lot more when you read about what women go through with ivf.
Hi Katie
Just wanted to say good luck with conceiving number 2 🙂
xx
Firstly, I was so thrilled to read the last paragraph and see that you’re pregnant. Wishing you every health and ounce of luck for the second half of your pregnancy.
Secondly, thank you for such an honest account. I have not yet had children but we are “trying to conceive” and it’s taking its toll. I can only try to imagine your emotions throughout the IVF process and think you’re very brave and strong to have got through it and be able to write to eloquently about it.
x
This is such an honest and emotional acct of IVF and so well written, I can sympathise with every single step. We had ICSI, the whole cycle took over a year, so many things went wrong and it was hugely stressful and physically beyond draining. We were left with 1 embryo which they wouldn’t transfer at the time as I had OHSS and was too unwell so it went in the freezer for 6 months. That one embryo is now our wonderful 2 year-old daughter! I never thought it would work and feel incredibly grateful every day. Huge congratulations on your pregnancy and the best of luck for the coming months. It’s worth every hormonal meltdown/horrid needles/hard day! X
We were trying for a baby for 3 years before conceiving naturally, we were just starting to consider our options for IVF etc. I was always fairly open with friends about the fact that we were trying and it wasn’t happening for us. One of the hardest things for me during this time, was that as the months and years rolled by, I noticed friends were avoiding telling me about their pregnancies or sharing baby pictures and news etc. I know they thought they were being considerate, but I found it so hurtful and isolating. I know everyone handles things differently, but I never felt anything but happiness for my friends, colleagues etc when it was working out for them. That’s not to say that it wasn’t at all painful for me at times, far from it, but I actually enjoyed hearing happy news, it gave me hope and every new baby brought joy to our lives.
I’m only writing this, to give another perspective, as I honestly couldn’t bare it when friends distanced themselves or didn’t share news with me, so I would encourage people to approach friends going through tough times with that in mind and try and have an open discussion with them about how they feel and what they need.
I am so pleased it has worked for you Anon, I have found myself getting quite emotional reading everybody’s stories! We are waiting for our first round of IVF having had all the tests and having not known anyone who has been through the process I now have two friends who are going to be going through it at almost the same time as us. Lovely that we can all relate to how the other feels but worrying thinking whether it might work for some and not for others! Reading your post is like reading something I could have written myself. It’s sad that people feel so isolated when a lot of people who have been through fertility problems have felt exactly the same. A lot of people have said to me to pretend I am giving advice to a friend when I tell myself I am weak or stupid for being so worried which makes me realise I would never say that someone who is going through it. Just getting through the process is a huge accomplishment and it’s a big deal! You have probably been stronger than you think and at least now you will know how to not be totally insensitive when you speak to other people who are going through similar ordeals or who don’t have children. Thank you for sharing such an honest account so those going through it don’t feel so alone and those who aren’t now have a better understanding of how tough it is! Wishing you the very best for the rest of your pregnancy xxx
A wonderfully written post and I’m pleased to see so many comments as I feel it’s a subject that’s really not talked about enough and there needs to be more awareness. I too have had ICSI for both my pregnancies. Our situation was very black and white, we always knew we’d require fertility treatment due to my husbands previous cancer treatment although as I was 39 and 42 we were given low chance of success and prepared ourselves to be disappointed (while also trying to remain positive – it’s a double edged sword). We were successful both times, something that makes me feel guilty when I read of others going through so many cycles. On the other hand as someone who hasn’t had the experience of trying to conceive naturally I find it quite amazing that couples do get pregnant so easily! Again this time, NCT friends were starting to try for number 2 and I prepared myself to be ‘last’ as they could probably have 3 tries compared to one ivf cycle. Aside from one couple who ‘fell’ first month trying (again) the others are all still trying. That said despite our success it is still an emotional roller coaster and with my husbands cancer returning last year at the same time we embarked on IVF, as mentioned in other posts, the stress was immense. I was so shocked it even worked but maybe because I was so preoccupied with my husbands recovery and looking after an 18mth old that I didn’t have time to focus on the IVF? Hubby is now in remission again and I’m having a c-section next Wednesday (previous fibroid surgery meant I’ve never had the option to consider a natural birth so our experience of conceiving/birth is purely medical!!) and while I sometimes don’t think I’ve fully got over the stress of last year I hope that after Wednesday it will melt away. 🙂
I wish Anon a successful pregnancy and to all those who are trying, whether it be naturally, through fertility treatment, adoption processes, I hope your hopes and dreams come true.
You have captured the emotions of ivf so well. We went through 3 frozen cycles and 5 fresh cycles and then got lucky with our second baby . It’s the hardest I have ever had to go through, it taught me so much about people though. How lucky I am
To have some truly great friendships and also the true colours of some
People who tormented me for not being able to ‘be happy ‘ with what I have and to get on with things. I salute all the men and women going through this truly horrendous process.
Thank you for sharing your story. My LB was conceived through IVF. I had mt first fresh cycle but got OHSS, where you overstimulate on the drugs, instead of the hoped for 12-15 eggs, I had a whopping 34 and my hormone levels rose so high that had they let me have the transfer and I got pregnant I could have died.
Never had I thought trying for a baby could be life threatening! Out of those 34 eggs, only 11 fertilised as my husband has poor sperm and on day 5 we were left with two, which were frozen. 4 months later I had them transferred but it failed.
So round 2, despite numerous changes and efforts, the same thing happened and I was devasted when I was told I couldn’t have the transfer again. The silver lining was that this time we had more fertilise and ended up with 4 frozen embryos. Fast forward another 3 months and two were transferred, and my little miracle boy stuck. He’s now 10 months old and I can’t put in to words how grateful I am.
Despite my complications, I didn’t find the process itself too bad, but the fear you feel when it doesn’t work is all-consuming. The fear I felt at the thought of never having a baby, is something that will never leave me xx
Thank you, Anon, for writing this. I wish more people would talk about IVF. It’s such a taboo, and as you say, nobody really knows how to react so they say something positive which is at best annoying, and at worst insulting. My husband and I fell into the unexplained infertility camp too. I come from a family of incredibly fertile women and in the time we have been struggling, 20 friends and colleagues dropped their baby bombs on me. For me that is in some ways the worst part – the feeling of isolation, the resentment and the dawning realisation that some of your closest friends can be terrifyingly insensitive and really aren’t who hoped they would be in times of need. And I hear you on the career front – there’s only so much you have to fight with and unfortunately it does mean that you lose out on that front. Another unfairness, while others so easily plan their conceptions around work.
As for the rest of my story, well we had IVF last year, it worked first time, we were never happier and couldn’t believe our luck. We then lost our child at 10 weeks (a missed miscarriage, no less) due to an incredibly rare “genetic anomaly” – so rare it doesn’t even have a real name. We are more a team than ever but otherwise are totally broken. We never even got to say “we’re having a baby!” The universe is an unequivocal bitch.
Reading stories like this give me, if not hope, a tiny glimmer in a very black cloud that maybe, just maybe, one day we might stop being so unlucky. So thank you for sharing your story, and all the very best of luck for the safe and healthy delivery of your baby. You most definitely deserve this happiness after what you have had to go through. xoxo
I want to say a huge thank you for writing this. Having been trying to conceive for 7 years, this entire story resonated with me on every level. The resentment with your partner, the difficulty in talking to others, the strain on friendships. The ivf itself i found to be fine. In fact i was talking to a colleague of mine about a month ago who confided him and his wife were going for IVF. He was concerned about the medical sort of things. I have to say, if you’re at a good clinic i don’t think you should worry about the medical and physical side of things, but the emotional/mental. The loops you have to jump through. Women who haven’t tried ivf think the only thing that can go wrong is that the embryo doesn’t stick. No one tells you about your womb lining needing to be perfect, or potential genetic or immune issues, or if you don’t produce enough eggs or how ill you get if you produce too many (and how likely they’ll all be immature), or how even if you produce 10 eggs the stats are that perhaps half will fertilise and half again will expire (or become bad quality) before even getting to transfer.
The emotional toll is great, perhaps my biggest regret is letting it affect my relationships with friends. It was almost subconscious, like a defence mechanism. I did try talking to a couple of them but i just didn’t feel like support was there (I’m not talking my best friends, but those i still considered close friends), and so i closed off further. Not really their fault. And i didn’t help.
On a positive side i am now in early pregnancy thanks to donor ivf. I never thought this would happen and so I’m cautiously optimistic. If anyone is going through, or considering ivf, I salute you. It’s only for the strongest 🙂
Hello everyone, thank you all for sharing your stories, especially Anon and good luck with everything, I will embarke on my first FIV at the end of this month and reading all your stories makes me more calm, last year after six years we finally got pregnant, only to realize that it was a phantom pregnancy, the test was positive but there was no embryo. At 37 we know that getting pregnant is more of a challenge then at 27, so last month we started with the testing.
Thank you all for sharing, it’s comforting to know that we’re not alone out there. Xoxo
How is this not a successful ivf story?? She had two rounds of ivf and then became pregnant. That’s a success. Yes, the first round failed but eventually it worked. This is not helpful for understanding how other people have come to terms with not becoming pregnant through ivf.
Hi Amanda, I wrote the article to try and shed some light on what it’s like to go through IVF as know most people don’t really understand what it actually entails and the emotions you go through. I was trying to get across that it’s not straightforward or a guarantee of getting pregnant. I didn’t want to suggest that IVF never works.