Today’s post is full of utter heartbreak but also the kind of positivity and determination that only comes when you have faced the unimaginable. If you read Elle’s post on Rock My Style the other week or follow her on Instagram then you may know some of her story of her beautiful boy Teddy. It probably isn’t story you thought you might be reading today but we are honoured that Elle is sharing it with us.
I don’t think I ever could have imagined how my year off on maternity leave was going to turn out. I certainly never imagined it to be without my baby, I can tell you that. Yet here I am, almost 365 days since my last day at work and I sit here alone as I type this. I finished work in at the end of March for the arrival of our long-awaited May baby. My due date was 20th May, but after a healthy pregnancy and an induced labour (thanks to leaking waters) Teddy made his entrance into the world on Monday 16th May 2016 weighing 6lb 2oz (Which I have to say I was surprised by, as I had been over 9lbs when I was born, so I had been anticipating a whopper!)
Teddy was perfect, and yes, I am well-aware that all new mothers say that. The difference is that I only have those photos taken in the first few hours after his birth; the ones where he looked so shiny and brand new, to recall just how perfect he really was. Teddy lived on this earth for just three days. His heart-shaped face and rosebud lips are etched as an image into my mind permanently, and no doubt will stay there forever.
When a child’s entrance and exit from this world is all but a fleeting moment; a still birth, a few hours, or a few days in Teddy’s case; your mind often starts to blur lines and forget details as time passes. I feel as though I must speak his name daily, look at his photos and sit in his nursery; just so I feel him. I know he was here, I have a birth, and death, certificate that says so.
Teddy was poorly; he was never going to live. Something we never knew until he was here and it was too late for him. He stopped breathing in the small hours of the morning after the evening he was born; he was revived; and was taken to a specialist NICU unit the following morning where he spent the next three days being cared for as they ran every conceivable test possible on his tiny being. It was discovered at a much later date, some months later, that he had a rare metabolic disorder that had occurred by “chance” at time of conception.
I am so grateful for those three days we had, for so many reasons. Even though Teddy was in a tank, on a cooler mat with multiple wires and monitors on him; he was still here. He was still alive for me to touch, talk to, read to, brush my lips against his little soft shoulders and the back of his neck, to breathe him in and remember his scent. He still met his grandparents who all spoke to him. As we leant over that tank and spoke to him; I know that we both poured every ounce of our positivity into him; every hope and dream we ever had for him. I used up every wish, every prayer, that this lifetime has given me in the hope he would just wake up; wake up and come home with us.
When we found out there was nothing they could do for Teddy and that he would die that day, I don’t think I could ever describe how that felt. Believe me I have tried to many times over the past months; but it’s a truly inexplicable feeling, one I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. All I can say is this; I felt as though every last breath had been kicked out of my chest, as if a wave had pulled me under and no matter how hard I kicked, screamed or struggled that I was never coming up for air. The feeling engulfed me. Now that this had happened, I knew it was totally irreversible; that our lives, no matter how hard we tried or how much time passed, would never be the same.
We drove home from hospital that evening with an empty car seat in the back of our car; with a bag, full of clothes and nappies that had never been touched; but we left the one thing that was ours, that our hearts yearned for, at that hospital. That journey will stay in my mind forever; silence and disbelief that we weren’t heading home with our new bundle, but instead heading back to a new existence that was unrecognisable; for all of the wrong reasons.
The weeks that followed were a blur of phone calls and letters from the hospital and coroner’s office, endless flowers arriving at the door; and us, feeling trapped in our own home. I have never suffered with anxiety in my life; but losing Teddy changed that. I couldn’t leave the house without being frozen to the spot; I was terrified I would never feel like “me” again. It still takes hold of me some days, although I am learning to deal with it and recognise when it is coming.
A baby’s funeral came and went, as did my husband’s return to work. Then we began the path of rebuilding; the new route of navigation through this thing called life. We found that once the initial meetings with friends were out of the way, and time began to pass, things became less awkward. I had to remind friends that I hadn’t lost my sense of humour, that they could still laugh and joke around me; if anything, I needed it, laughter as they say really is the best medicine and it helped me start to see the light again.
So as the time continues to pass, where does that leave us now? Well ten months into this “journey” (I hate that expression, but I can’t think of another one to describe this) I can say that we are stronger. Time isn’t a healer, but as a good friend who knows this loss once said to me “You learn to bear the weight of your grief on your shoulders each day, and it becomes a little lighter to carry.” There are still the awkward conversations; the “Weren’t you pregnant?” or the “So do you have any children?”, but again these are getting easier to deal with (you become very good at question dodging and changing not telling the entire truth; to protect them as much as to protect your own heart.). Sometimes they catch you off guard; it’s a little harder to deal with when no sound actually comes out of your mouth. We still have a nursery full of his things, ready for a new baby; but the pram and car seat have retired to the loft for now.
My daily struggle of being a mummy, but not looking like one, is the cruellest of realities to exist in. One that often makes you want to scream at the top of your lungs in public places, or run away in equal measure. I still can’t quite believe that it has happened to us, that we have had this cruel twist of fate bestowed upon us at the start of our adventure as a family. I do know this though; that I have filled that space where Teddy is physically missing from this world with love; with so much love for him, that I carry him in my heart each day. I believe that he has made me a better person, a stronger person, a better friend, someone who cares more, listens more, and takes the time to truly appreciate the little things in this life. I feel more “present” than I have ever felt before. For all of this I can only thank one special and beautiful soul, my little Teddy bear.
Edward Constantine Wright 16/05/2016- 19/05/2016
To read my journey into motherhood and beyond please visit www.featheringtheemptynest.blog
It breaks my heart reading your story, Elle, so beautifully written. I have been following you on instagram since your RMS post and am in awe of how you are tackling this, both in the way you honour Teddy and also the support you are providing to others both through sharing your story and also lending your influence to campaigns and charities supporting bereaved parents. Sending so much love xx
India, Thank you so much for your lovely words and for following our story on Instagram. Sending love and light to you. Elle x
Elle you write so beautifully and are such an inspiration. And Teddy really was a beautiful baby xx
Thank you Ella. I like to think he was pretty beautiful too! Elle x
How can life be so cruel? Such an eloquent account, Elle, thank you so much for sharing. I hope many happy times await you.
Thank you Philippa. I am hoping for lots of happy times ahead for our family. Thank you for reading. Elle x
When I read about you on RMS, I thought you were so inspiring and I started to follow you on Instagram. Then, a week and a half ago, I had a miscarriage (I was seven and a half weeks pregnant with our second child..) and I remembered you and how you coped after the loss of Teddy and I was inspired to channel my emotions positively, in to our home. I’ve already painted umpteen pieces of furniture and we’re about to embark on a complete kitchen overhaul and garden landscaping! And it really is helping..
So I want to say thank you I guess. Teddy was truly a beautiful boy and I am so sorry he is not home with you. I wish you all the happiness in the world and thank you for sharign your story. Xx
So so sorry to hear that Jennifer, sending you some love over the WiFi. You sound like you’re doing amazingly well, you keep on plodding (and painting) hun!
Oh Jennifer, I’m so sorry to hear this. Sending lots of love and hugs to you and your family xxxxxxxxxx
Thank you.. Xx
I am so happy that my words have helped you at such a sad time. Sending all the love and light. Elle x
Hi Elle, I commented on the RMS blog but just had to comment again because now I’ve been following you on instagram for a while – you are such a joy to follow and I love your insta stories and outlook on life. I find it very inspirational. You are an incredible, incredible mother – Teddy really did get the best. Xx
Thank you, thank you and THANK YOU! For reading, for following and for your lovely words. Boris and I do try to keep the crowds entertained on Insta, and I am glad you enjoy it! Elle x
Like many of the above I started following you on Instagram after your RMS post. You are one brave and strong mama, Teddy would be very proud.
Kate, that is so lovely of you to say. Thank you for reading and for following. Elle x
Thank you so much Kate, that is really lovely of you to say. Elle x
Elle, you write so beautifully. I’m sitting here in tears marvelling at your strength. You’ve faced every parent’s worst nightmare and I find your positivity inspirational. You’re one strong mummy! Teddy was so gorgeous. X
I’m sorry I made you cry! Thank you for taking the time to read our story. Elle x
Hi Elle,
Thank you so much for your beautiful account. It’s all too real for me, I went into spontaneous labour with twins at 6 months pregnant and sadly they were just too small and only lived for 40 minutes. I went on maternity leave and having to explain to strangers why I wasn’t at work or looking after a baby never got any easier. I couldn’t face going back to my old job and having people who didn’t know what had happened ask me how the babies were. 11 months later I felt ready to start a new job and shortly after that I fell pregnant again. I now have a beautiful 10 month old daughter and your words are so true, you never learn to heal but you do learn to live along side your grief and channel it in positive ways. I wish you al the happiness in the future. You truly deserve it x
Hi lulu
I also went into preterm labour at 6 months with my son. My waters broke they tried to delay labour which they did by a week but my son died at 2 hours old. Did they ever give you a reason for your early delivery? They just keep saying to me it was one of those things and next time they will take better care of me. Am terrified to try again incase it happens again. Lots of love to you xxx
Jess, this happened to me with my first pregnancy. Am happy to let you know what happened with me subsequently – I now have two children born at full term. I’m sure the team will pass on my email address x
I would love to speak to you about it not sure how I get your email address? Thank you for contacting me. Jess xxx
I’ll pop you both in touch. xx
Thank you for sharing your twins story with me Lulu. I am so happy that you got your beautiful rainbow after such a difficult and sad time. I’m glad you have found you have been able to channel your grief in positive ways too; I honestly believe that positivity always wins. Elle x
I’m so so sorry for your loss – your beautiful baby boy.
My heart goes out to you – you are such an inspiration.
Thank you for sharing your story, I have tears in my eyes and am sending you love and best wishes.
xxx
Thank you Emma. Everyone’s love and best wishes have blown me away today! Elle x
Heartbreaking story. You sound such a strong person, wishing you all the very best for a brighter future. Teddy looks adorable.
Thank you for taking the time to read about him Victoria, and for writing his name…..I love seeing other people write it too! Elle x
Beautiful
Thank you x
You are such a wonderful Mummy, Teddy could not have been loved more. I find you one of the most remarkable women I’ve ever met (well instamet! Is that a thing?) Your outlook is a breath of fresh air inspiring so many and it goes to show how sometimes no matter how small the gap between birth and death, the dash in between is what is the most special. Xxxxx
Kelly you are too lovely, thank you. Your positivity on Instagram inspires me every day, and my beautiful book is helping me to see the good in each and every day that passes. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Elle x
Like many above, after reading your story on RMS I started following your instagram and read some of your own blog. This is another beautiful account of your baby boy and again, like many above, you are an inspiration of living in the present and dealing with what life has thrown at you. There are no words to offer as to why Teddy was only with you for days rather than years, but sending you and your husband every positive thought and happiness x
Thank you for your lovely words Sophie. Sending positivity and happiness right back at you! Elle x
Wow what an amazing piece of writing . Currently reading as I sit in the car with my baby twins snoring in the back of the car, whilst I sit in the front reading this account sobbing. They had a tricky start in life , and I’m so so grateful they are here .
I can’t even begin to imagine what you must feel and have been through Elle . But your right, us mothers are all super strong beings and the coping mechanisms we use in tricky times are incredible.
Thankyou for sharing your story and Teddy with us all. He’s a total cutie ,and has the best, strong parents imaginable . All the best .
Xx
Rachael, your words really touched me, thank you for taking the time to post such a lovely comment. Sending love and light to you and your twins! Elle x
I have followed you for a while now on Instagram, I love your instastories and your outlook on life is just so inspiring. Your story is utterly heartbreaking but you write so beautifully about your love for Teddy. He was a beautiful boy and so very lucky to have you as his mummy. Wishing you all the very best for lots of happy times ahead xx
Thank you for following and reading Sarah, and for such lovely words. Elle x
Sending you all the love in the world xx You are an amazingly strong lady and I pray there are many happier times ahead for you. I hope some comfort can come from knowing that your little boy only ever knew and felt pure LOVE xx
Thank you Cat, that is really lovely to think……I really hope that is what he felt. Elle x
Beautifully written and a very inspiring outlook on life. I’d also like to say as a paediatrician (who sometimes has the unenviable job of fighting and caring for little ones just like Teddy); I’m so glad that although no amount of tests or medicine could change how things turned out giving you and your family those precious few days was so important and worthwhile.
Xxx
Thank you Victoria. Can I just say that the paediatricians who cared for Teddy were the most incredibly dedicated and loving people I could have wished for, they made each moment we had with him special and they were so committed to finding out why Teddy was poorly. I am eternally grateful to them all, and we have been able to raise £20,000 for the NICU so far (with gift aid!), so I only hope we can help to support the amazing work that they (and you!) do. Thank you for taking the time to read about Teddy. Elle x
You are such strong people to have to go through something like this and Teddy would be so proud of his parents for not just coping but inspiring others to be strong as well, by writing such a beautiful and honest account of your story.
Wishing you all the love, comfort and healing in the world, and a happy future with Teddy in your hearts x
Emily, what lovely words! Thank you so much for taking the time to read about Teddy, and for your love and positivity. Elle x
Elle I can’t find any words, your experience is heart wrenching and something that no-one should have to go through. Sending you lots of love xxxxxxxxx
Thank you Fern, sending love right back at you! Elle x
Thank you for sharing your beautiful boy with us. Teddy is gorgeous. X
Thank you for reading Victoria. I think he was pretty gorgeous too! Elle x
So beautifully written, such a devastating story. I can’t begin to imagine your pain. But the positivity and light shining through your grief is inspiring. You are so brave to share you story to others. There is strength and hope in carrying on, and I’m sure that others will find this in reading your story.
Elle, thank you for sharing your story so eloquently. Teddy is so very beautiful. I nodded along to much of what you have written and experienced- my twins were stillborn at 34 weeks. Grieving for your baby (ies) is the loneliest thing at times so thank you for sharing and making me feel slightly more normal in my thoughts and feelings!
Sending so much love x
I’ve been trying all day to think of a coherent comment but haven’t found one other than to say that you have been in my thoughts since seeing your home on RMS and thank you for sharing your story and potentially helping others. Love to you x
You truly have a way with words. I feel your pain because I know it all too well. The way you wrote about the ride home is exactly how my husband and I felt. Just reading this blog post brings me back to when my son died. In a way it always helps to know you are not alone and we all grieve together. So thank you for sharing your story and your Teddy. Sending much love to you.
My goodness Elle, I am sobbing my heart out after reading this but am so, so glad I did. As so many have said before me, truly – what an incredible inspiration you are. I have had several unexplained miscarriages over the past two years and not even getting to the 12 week mark has felt painful enough, I just cannot even comprehend what you both went through and the feelings you must have to endure on a daily basis. I’ve spent the past couple of years feeling sorry for myself and our situation, but after reading this and how positive & how present you are, I feel like i’ve now had the jolt I needed to stop letting the anxiety of my experiences consume me. Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful post 🙂 (now off to follow your instagram!) Lots of love xxx
Elle, wishing many years of happy times ahead for you and Nico (Boris and Mo too – can you tell you are one of my faves on Insta). This is a tough read and I am full of admiration for you and your ability to put it all into words so eloquently. I can’t begin to imagine how it must’ve felt losing Teddy, no doubt be would be immensely proud of you. Sending love and light xo
I cannot imagine what it must feel like. I want to say thank you though for writing about it, for sharing it (and in such a beautiful way too). You are an incredibly strong woman (on the outside at least, you’re allowed every weak moment you have!) and I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart. May Teddy send you a sibling and watch over you all as the beautiful guardian angel he is.
Elle you are so brave. I follow you on Instagram and I don’t know you personally but the way you write and the way you look at life now really inspires me and I’m sure all your followers think the same. You teach us all a lesson. I wish you all the best and happiness in the world. You have a gained a beautiful angel that guides you and protects you always.
So sorry for your loss! I lost my baby 3 weeks ago, she died in the womb and wasn’t quite full term, so I really can’t imagine what you’ve been through! I just want to thank you for writing this post as you’ve really give me hope for the future. Thoughts are with you xxx
Elle this is beautifully and courageously written. My “journey” to meeting our son was incredibly difficult and challenging- I can’t imagine what you went through although I recognise many of the sentiments you raise here. Reading your story has made me think I need to write it all down. Sending you love and light to you, you inspirational lady x