I’ve mentioned before how Hector is a sensitive soul that takes a while to warm up to an unfamiliar situation or a sea of new faces. Don’t misunderstand me, he’s more than happy to entertain a group of his favourites – be they friends or family – once he’s sussed them out that is.
He’ll regularly treat us to a spot of dancing, an interesting story (usually about fast racing cars), take us by the hand and lead us off on an adventure. And when he’s with Ste and I, he’ll occasionally take a shine to a random stranger and chat nonsense at them for about five minutes or so….so long as we’re there next to him as a back up plan just in case.
But…and it’s a big but, his sunny disposition is easily eclipsed in the face of unfamiliar circumstances. He is not a kid that will take everything in his stride and he has been known to stand clutching my hand refusing to let go at kids’ parties, soft play or even at a playground he’s not visited before. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t frustrate me nor will I pretend that I don’t wonder anxiously why he’s like this and whether it’s something I’ve done from a parenting perspective. My mum says I was exactly the same when I was small so perhaps it’s a personality thing instead.
But I’ve actually gone off track, you see today’s post wasn’t supposed to be about Hector’s tentativeness in the face of new situations but more about his inability to stand up for himself with other children. I suppose my long-winded introduction attempts to give you some idea about his personality for greater insight…or at least I hope it does.
If it’s one thing I’ve learnt this month then it’s that children can be both extraordinarily kind but unflinchingly cruel. I’ve watched older children take Hector under their wing, this past weekend for example in a pub garden, and not so long back at a flower show. They were so incredibly patient with him and caring too and it made me emotional watching them but proud (and reassured!) to know that the next generation are going to be ok with such fantastic role models at the helm. Equally, though, I’ve seen the downside too. Pushy kids seemingly without boundaries that think it’s ok to take something off another child/push them/bully them purely because they want to without any thought of the consequences.
I get it, I really do. Kids will be kids. Toys will be snatched and battles will be fought. It’s all a part of growing up after all and we cannot wrap them up in cotton wool because doing so robs them of the opportunity to learn to negotiate and to stand up for themselves. It is heartbreaking though when it happens to be your kid and they’ve been quietly entertaining themselves with a truck when another child muscles in on the action and grabs the aforementioned toy for themselves without so much of a backward glance. So whilst there’s a part of me that wants to stomp over and give the child a piece of my mind I know that I’m not doing Hector any favours in doing so.
Hector is not one of those kids that will stand and fight his corner. More often that not he’ll reluctantly relinquish the toy/book/object in a state of shock before crying about the outcome and hiding himself in my arms if I happen to be around. A couple of weeks ago he went through a phase of firmly holding onto a toy when someone tried to take it from him (which I inwardly cheered about) but this stubbornness seems to have disappeared again of late. I’ve talked to him about it, about the importance of saying no, of saying ‘please don’t do that’ and of fighting his corner – not physically but by verbally standing up for himself. I hope that it’s going in somewhere.
But then it struck me…there are certainly areas of my own life where I do not stand up for myself, where I feel as if I’ve been railroaded or taken advantage of. How can I tell Hector to do the very thing that I’m not doing myself. Hypocritical much? So I’ve taken it upon myself to be a better role model…what is it they say? Be the change you want to see in the world.
So I guess this is where I ask for your thoughts on the matter. Do any of you have kids of a similar temperament to Hector’s? How have you dealt with their sensitive dispositions or is it simply a case of a phase that will pass in due course? My husband was accused of being a bit of a crybaby in his youth but is anything but now…so perhaps Hector will follow him after all.
I’d love to hear all your thoughts in the comments box below.
Yes I do! I think I’ve commented before that my eldest (just turned 5) seems to have a similar personality to Hector. There were times when he was younger that his shyness would drive me crazy. It was with him a case of for example going to a birthday party, refusing to join in for say 45 mins and then when he finally did join in and enjoy himself the party would end! I used to say he was his own worst enemy. I remember one trip to see Father Christmas when he was three. He was so excited before hand but as soon as we got in there he refused to even look at him.
The good news is he’s improved dramatically. His reception reached did describe him as a sensitive soul but he never once cried going into school and I think that experience together with becoming a big brother 18 months ago has had a big impact. He does still have his shy moments and out of the boys in his class he is one of be more reserved ones but I don’t feel like he makes himself miss out on things like he used to.
Sarah this is exactly what Hector is like. By the time he’s plucked up the courage to get stuck in, half the kids are going home! But it’s good to hear your little boy has become more confident – Hector still cries when he goes to nursery (we even had tears this morning) so I’m hoping that as he gets older he becomes less shy and more self-assured. You’ve given me some hope anyway xxx
Felix used to cry every morning at nursery. I used to go into work most days feeling like the worst mum! He has NEVER cried about school once though. I think he just needed a bit more maturity and confidence.
That’s so interesting Sarah! I’m keeping my fingers crossed for School then!
He is truly a sweetheart Lolly. A sensitive boy that’s going to grow up to be a real gentleman by the sound of him.
E is very much cut from the same cloth. When she’s in certain situations, she goes as far as anxiously scratching away at her thumbs which make me feel so awful for her (and worry that I’m doing something wrong as a mum).
She had to very quickly learn to stand up for herself with three very bold and fun-loving two-year-old cousins, who would lay claim to all the fun new toys at auntie Karen’s house. We use phrases all the time that will build her confidence (as im sure you do too) like ‘You can do it’ & ‘You did it!’ rather than the likes of ‘good girl’, and introduced some playful games where we could take toys from one another asking ‘is this mine?’… it didn’t take long before she’d be taking them back from us (and the other kids) with a firm ‘no’.
I guess in places like playgroup and soft play, there’s always going to be the bolshy kid who snatches and pushes. I’m fine with her not fighting back, so if she happily turns away and finds something new (I’ll encourage her to do so) then as long as she’s smiling, I’m confident that she’ll grow up to be a gentle soul… and if she does get picked on, then she’ll be clever enough to round up those feisty cousins of hers to have a word! xx
This is exactly what we say too Karen. You can do it! Look you did it! Good job! And so on and so forth. As you say I have absolutely no problems if he was the kind of kid that turned away and shrugged his shoulders in response to various displays of bolshiness – it’s the crying that breaks my heart. I genuinely hope he turns this into a strength that works for him in his adult life. Oh and send those feisty cousins round here when Little E is done!
My eldest used to be very similar to this but has got so much better with age. Tiredness still plays a part but on the whole it’s rarely something I worry about now. I remember being so worried about it so a big hug to you x
In my experience, every child goes through a pushy/bolshy phase before school age so I try not to judge the kids doing that too harshly (I do however judge their parents if they don’t respond appropriately, sorry!).
Hector sounds like a lovely little boy – as a fellow sensitive soul, I promise he’ll be ok x
It’s lovely to read that you don’t judge the bolshy kids Fionnula as reading this piece made me feel a teeny bit sorry for parents of that type of child (“pushy children seemingly without boundaries”)! My daughter isn’t 2 yet but is already loudly protesting when another child tries to play with something that she has deemed to be hers (even if she’s not actually playing with it at that time 🙈) – I feel a bit embarrassed to be the mum of the loud potentially bolshy child, but I always talk to her calmly about sharing and how the park/toys are for everyone to play with, but obviously she’s too young to really understand. I guess it’s just as hard for me to teach her that as it is for Lolly and other parents of more sensitive children to teach them to stand up for themselves! They’ll all get there in the end though.
You don’t know how reassuring it is to hear this Fionnula to hear from mums who have gone through the same thing and come out the other side. And I hear you on the judging parent thing – personally I’d be mortified if Hector behaved in that way towards another child but some parents don’t seem to be bothered. Thanks for the encouraging advice xxx
I completely understand when parents don’t seem to be responding appropriately when their child is a bit bolshy, and clearly if a child gets pushed or hit it is not acceptable and it is the parents role to do something about that but it is just as difficult as a parent to teach a 2/3 year old how not to be pushy as it is to help them not be as sensitive. My little boy can be extremely sensitive and shy at times, but when he does come round to a situation he likes to take control, he’s definitely ‘spririted’ and at times can be a bit bossy and likes to take the lead – I do my best to teach him how to be kind, and share and treat others nicely, but please don’t be so quick to ‘judge’ the parents of these children, they are often doing the best they can. xx
That’s what I was trying to say Kate – you’ve put it much more eloquently!
I totally agree, especially with pushiness, shouting etc as they literally cannot compute sharing until age 4/5 apparently- up to then it’s just give or take!
And I don’t think any of us judge other parents who are doing their best- we’ve all had days when our little darlings are being less than darling. Case in point, S got hit by another child again today (she must have a kick me sign on her this week!) and the Mum swooped in and sorted it. No problem, no judgement, no issue. Kids will be kids, but adults need to be adults.
Having had a ‘spirited child’ myself I absolutely know how hard it is to be vigilant in soft play etc.
But when a child hits one of my kids and I look over and their parent is just reading a magazine with their back to them or comes over and just says ‘boys will be boys’ then that isn’t good enough.
It’s so hard isn’t it. Your heart wretches when someone does something to your child. My wee boy just 6months younger than hector, picked him up from nursery yesterday and no one knew where he was. Que panicked nursery workers and an angry mum. Quickly he was found at the top of the shoot standing patiently waiting for his turn, which was never coming as older kids pushed passed him, goodness knows how long he had been there. He’s just moved up to the bigger boys and girls class and not his usual self going into nursery. It’s a worry to think they may not be able to stand up for themselves or be picked on but all we can do is teach them resilience. People will be mean, you will get your toy stolen, all we can do is teach them the right thing and how to respond to when it happens over time they get better at it.
Oh Jo this brought a tear to my eye. Hector too is the one that patiently waits for his turn whilst other kids barge on past. Resilience is indeed the key – even a lesson I’ve found I’ve needed to learn as an adult! Sending you lots of hugs your way xxx
Oh this is so timely! And it’s so killer. I spend so much time teaching S to be kind, to share, to be gentle with her body- and will do the same with P.
But other children!! At the village fete on Monday a slightly bigger boy deliberately hit her in the face on the bouncy castle. His parents did nothing, she had a huge red mark. He then pushed her over and kicked her when she was down. I was boiling mad and intervened with a loud shout- he made eye contact, moved away and left her alone. His parents didn’t even stop their conversation. I’m still angry- my beautiful child who is so kind and loving getting walloped by someone else and their parents clearly not giving a toss about the behaviour.
She is normally very confident and will stand her ground with toys etc (“no snatch- wait your turn”) so seeing the shock and hurt on her face (and the bruise) was awful.
When can they start kids tae kwon do? I’m only half joking. If that was bad thinking about her getting assaulted by some creep as a young woman is even worse. I want her to be able to kick arse.
That sounds bloody awful Lucy! Anna is a fairly quiet gentle child as well and I worry enough about her being accidentally knocked/hurt by bigger children when out and about never mind on purpose. So far whenever that happened – usually a completely unsolicited push at the playground – the parents were quick to intervene so I can’t imagine how angry I would be if they hadn’t – I would have most certainly stepped in as well.
Oh no Lucy! Such aggression from someone so young as well! I hope little S is ok. It would have been the kind of thing where I would have had to have mentioned it to the parents despite Ste cringing in the background. You did well to remain so calm. Re the Tae Kwon Do thing – Ste has quite seriously talked about taking Hector to martial arts when he’s a bit older. He thinks it’s important to be able to defend yourself as well as learning an element of control and discipline. If it helps with Hector’s confidence then I’m all for it. Perhaps I’ll start doing it myself…
I totally recommend that you’re daughter starts Tae Kwon Do. I was always picked on at school and was never that confident until I started TKD. TKD does not teach you to be violent. It teaches you to become a humble and silently confident individual. The Tenets of TKD are perseverance, indomitable spirit, integrity, honesty and What else do you need to learn to become a well rounded individual? I was always a skinny undernourished looking girl, yet I went on to become a World/Scottish/English & British champion all in the same year! I never got into fights whilst out with my friends. If anything started with anyone, I always had the confidence to stop it verbally. Everybody says I’m a very calm individual and they’re usually shocked when I tell them about my martial arts. I’m now a very strong willed adult and will always speak out against any injustice.
When I see an altercation between children I tell them to look them in the eye and say “I don’t like that, you’re not being very kind”. Then walk away.
Thanks Gem! I played rugby at uni and found it gave me so much physical confidence- I went on to work door security for a few years while studying and that calm bit firm use of voice, confidence and body language is something I wish I’d had earlier. She’s starting Rugby Tots in September and our local TKD starts at age 5- I can’t wait. And congratulations on your titles- that’s amazing!
Also… gorgeous Ste a crybaby?! My big bald bolshy builder husband was bullied as a kid too- seems impossible now!
And is this another example of patriarchy being bad for everyone?? Should be totally acceptable for little dudes to express their emotions by crying.
Totes a crybaby – his mum has verified it for me on several occasions. He wouldn’t even have his school photo on his own so he and his brother Patrick are in all the Junior School photos together. It’s very sweet really. It’s not the crying I have an issue with per se – I just wish Hector didn’t take everything to heart. But with two sensitive parents the kid didn’t really have much of a headstart 😉
I’m there with you! George is just 3 but is really a bit of a wimp (is that bad to say about my own son?!) He’s very sensitive and caring which inevitably means as soon as another child takes something off him he ends up in tears. I just don’t bother with soft play anymore as he’s not interested in it/ too scared to try anything. Last night he said to my husband about his day at nursery… “I just want to play by myself daddy, I wanted to build a really tall tower and I couldn’t”…bless his little heart. Part of me is really proud he can happily play alone, part of me really worries that he seems to struggle playing with others. Having said all of that…at nursery he seems to get on best with the older girls playing “mums and dads” and chatting to them…and that makes me smile 🙂
And…can TOTALLY relate to seeing elements of yourself as often I’m happier in my own space than amongst others who are more bold/ loud too.
So I’m with Lucy…lets embrace the little dudes expressing their emotions!! 🙂
A friend of mine shared this post with me recently Lucette which I thought was brilliant and described Hector’s personality….worth a read.
https://www.the-pool.com/life/parenting-honestly/2017/18/despatches-from-the-school-gate-liz-dashwood-on-son-being-an-introvert
This is really interesting to read. I like to think I follow gentle and caring yet firm parenting techniques but one daughter is very confident, feisty and full of beans (some may perceive this as ‘bolshy’) and one is very shy, timid and gentle. This has been their personalities from when they were tiny. I have raised both the same, but I worry people judge me on my eldest’s behaviour at times. Her dad and I are both caring, chilled and quite shy people and we marvel at how we produced such a loud, determined child!
I have intervened on many occasions when she has grabbed toys from other kids etc and I hate the idea that other parents are judging me. I know I shouldn’t care but I do. She is also very tall and big for her age due to giant parents so people tend to think she’s older than she is which doesn’t help.
She’s very funny and I just hope her big personality will lead to a happy, successful life with lots of friends. I’d have loved to have her confidence as a child so I’m trying to tread a careful path of disciplining where needed but not crushing her spirit.
I think we have to remember they are only children and their brains are still developing so it’s not very fair to judge. Also you never know what unseen issues some children may have. Totally agree parents should step in though. I’m like a hawk at social occasions!
Discipline but not crushing her spirit – I completely agree with this Abi. A completely valid point. And yes the issues I have comes from the fact that the parents don’t intervene rather than the kids themselves. I can remember an incident where a child tried to bite Hector on the bum at a kids party – thank god for padded nappies eh?! The mother was too busy quaffing champagne and chatting to be keeping an eye on her child. I think steam came out of my ears!
I want to go to kids parties where champagne is served!
Totally agree Abi!
Ha! It was a first birthday party for a friend of ours. I was too busy encouraging Hector to join in to be champagne guzzling!
Aww, he sounds like such a sweetheart, Lolly. I think THE most important thing is to allow kids to be who they want to be – whether that’s quiet, loud, curious or shy!
I’ve got sort of the opposite end of this problem in that my little guy (who is only 14 months) is super outgoing and energetic. The other day, we were at a softplay and he was chattering away to a two year old who was sitting down near him. Keanu obviously decided this little guy was his friend so got up and gave him a kiss on his forehead. The other kid clearly wasn’t expecting this and promptly burst into tears! I didn’t tell K off because I didn’t feel he had done anything wrong – but neither had the other little guy, I think he was just caught by surprise. These little people are all just finding their way around and figuring out their own boundaries and sometimes that will end in tears even if it’s no one’s fault. I guess our job is just to be there and help them feel confident in who they are, whoever that may be!
Ahhhh Kate! Keanu sounds like a little sweetheart xxx
Zach is fairly confident. Will just go up to kids and try to start playing games or joining in with others. He has a group of friends at nursery which at 3 I don’t remember having and is growing in confidence however on occasions he goes completely in the opposite direction. Clinging other my leg, trying to hide under my skirt. It’s frustrating as it’s not his normal behaviour but then I have to remember he is only 3. Also realised that I am the mum who will tell your children off if they are naughty and have also asked on occasion is this your child to parents not bothering to keep an eye on there little one causing trouble.
My little boy Dominic sounds very similar to Hector. He has always been a shy soul who took a while to warm to people. However once he had familiarity with someone or somewhere, there would be no problem. He too was always the kid who would start going on the bouncy castle at birthday parties 15 minutes before the party was due to finish and would never really get involved at toddler groups I took him to.
He has just turned three and I have recently noticed a change in his personality. He will happily go and play with children he doesn’t know, go off on his own at soft play and no longer clings to me at parties. He moved up at nursery last September and is now with children up to school age and I think this has helped dramatically.
I have always been introverted and my MIL tells me my husband was the same as a child. However now my husband is very confident, will happily talk to anyone but still remains sensitive with it too.