The whole topic of breastfeeding is one that always gets discussed the most when you are expecting. For some it comes easily, for others it doesn’t and you may need breastfeeding support. Today’s guest post from Chloe shows that despite your best intentions you shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help or seek alternatives.
As I write this I would like it to be clear that I had a brilliant experience with my midwives and had a birth that was complication free and a positive experience for myself, baby and partner. What happened after is through no-ones fault and we were simply a victim of circumstances. On any other day, it could have been a completely different experience. My baby was not ill and although her weight became a concern she was not at risk. This is a story about my journey and the pressure, as mothers, which we put ourselves under.
Before I had my little girl I was a google expert, I spent the 9 months of my pregnancy researching every possible event that could take place, before birth, during birth and after. If anybody asked me if I planned on breastfeeding (which I was asked frequently) I sagely responded that I would quite like to but understood that some women found it difficult and that was okay… This was absolute tosh, in my head, I had researched how to breastfeed, attended the NCT class, watched the NHS video, googled every variation of how to hold your baby, taught myself how to look for tongue tie and discussed at great length the miracle that was a new born baby ‘rooting’. There was no doubt in my mind that I would breast feed… Of course I would, why wouldn’t you? Breast is best isn’t it?
Half an hour after birth
Hang on a minute why isn’t my beautiful daughter miraculously locating my nipple?
45 minutes after birth
A shift change in midwives, the 2 beautiful woman who were such an amazing part of my birth, left. A new midwife arrived. I raised some concerns that I didn’t think I had got the hang of feeding. She told me not to worry it would happen. In my overwhelmed state I accepted this.
2 hours after birth.
‘So we think you are ready to go home’… WHAT?? The midwife gave us a list of reasons why we were complication free and able to go home, I was fine, the baby was fine, breastfeeding was established (really because not from where I’m sitting)… It later came to light that there was no room at the inn for us. The hospital did not have a bed to move us to.
We were not ready, we had left the house in a rush and naively assumed that my partner would be coming home before us. We didn’t even have a car seat with us!
My partner had to leave us 2 hours after birth, after no sleep to collect a car seat so we could vacate the delivery room. On any other day we would have questioned, challenged… but we were naïve, we didn’t know any different. While on my own I tried repeatedly to breastfeed but nothing seemed to be happening. I rung the buzzer on numerous occasions to ask for help. Clearly the midwife was busy. Eventually I was informed that I was breastfeeding as there was milk on my daughter’s lips. If there was a genuine problem she wouldn’t let me leave. There was a woman next door who couldn’t do it, so was having a bed on a corridor set up, did I really want that?’
So I stopped asking for help. It didn’t feel like anything was happening when I put my little girl to my breast but maybe that was how it was supposed to feel?
14 hours after leaving the house as a pair, we returned home as a family. It was a shock. Neither parent had slept. Our baby hadn’t gone to the toilet, hadn’t had a hearing test, hadn’t had a successful feed and hadn’t been seen by any form of consultant or doctor, a mild form of talipes was missed and not picked up on until a week later. It is only with hindsight that I can appreciate how vulnerable we were.
At this point I was getting extremely anxious about the lack of action with the feeding. Luckily when attending NCT we had been told about expressing and feeding your baby through a cup if you struggled to feed. Let me tell you, expressing colostrum into a cup and getting a 5 hour old baby to lap at a cup is not an easy job.
The next 24 hours are a fog of desperately trying to breastfeed. It didn’t hurt, she just didn’t do anything. Expressing and the pair of us trying to cup feed her. I honestly have no other memory of this time.
The following day my midwife came to visit. By this point I was a wreck. She spent an hour trying to achieve a latch. She just wasn’t interested! She returned later that afternoon and stayed with us for 3 hours, she didn’t have to do this, she probably had a family of her own. I was topless, sore and sweating, with a stranger climbing all over me, we tried every chair in the house, every possible feeding position. My little girl just was not interested in feeding.
The following day the community midwife came to visit. We had been flagged as a feeding concern so were visited every 24 hours. We were told to try to feed every 2 hours, if it doesn’t work express and cup feed. Every 24 hours she was weighed and had lost more weight. In between, all our little girl did was scream in hunger. I moved through the days in a fog of exhaustion and crashing disappointment. What was I doing wrong? My husband tried to support us, had to help at every awful cup feed but even with the best intentions things became fraught. A highlight has to be 4 in the morning one night when I had expressed and needed to get the milk into our baby, my husband didn’t get out of bed as quickly as I thought he should, I snapped, he called me feeding Hitler… We can laugh about it now.
At no point did a health professional suggest trying a bottle. The mantra that breast is best was always the message. They suggested breastfeeding cafes and calling lactation specialists but by this point I was exhausted, my body had been pushed and prodded in so many ways to try and get her to latch that I couldn’t hear the support that was being offered. I had shut down, I didn’t want to leave the house, I didn’t want experts to help me, but still be a failure.
9 days after birth a new community midwife arrived. We had reached the point where our little girl had lost so much weight we had to go back into hospital. It was only at this point a bottle was suggested.
Suddenly my little girl who had shown no interest in feeding from me, had never had a successful feed, drank, guzzled, inhaled a bottle of my expressed milk.
Suddenly our screaming unhappy child, slept! Had waking moments that weren’t spent screaming!
I expressed for 6 weeks then transitioned to formula.
I was secretive and embarrassed about bottle feeding my child. I wanted a sign to follow me around declaring ‘THIS ISN’T MY CHOICE’ The reality? Nobody judged me. Nobody cared how I fed my baby. They saw a happy thriving baby. I constantly made self-deprecating comments about bottle feeding. At 3 weeks I was reminded that formula wasn’t crack, what an eye opener!
Months later when talking about feeding I would still tear up and be unable to talk. God bless my NCT crew, women thrown together who I had only met a month before, without them there would have been far more tears, far more self-doubt. They were my cheer leaders when I needed them.
It took a long time to be okay with not breastfeeding. At 8 weeks I had to return to the hospital to have her foot checked as a result of the talipes. She was fine, I was not. Returning to the hospital I had an attack of anxiety, instead of remembering the wonderful birth experience, all I could focus on was the feeling of fear as we left the building.
A year later. Our daughter is beautiful, happy thriving and healthy. For whatever reason, through no fault of mine, she wasn’t interested in breastfeeding. For a long time I associated leaving hospital early with breastfeeding. The reality? We could have spent a week trying on a ward rather than at home, would that have been better? Probably not.
What have I learnt? Challenge staff if you are not happy. Ask for help. Accept help when it is offered.
But the most important lesson for me was that it’s not breast is best… fed is best.
Thank you Chloe a really brave honest account of how difficult breastfeeding can be.
I’m due my first baby in less than 2 weeks and like you hoping to be able to breastfeed. I’m under no illusion that it’s going to be easy, as well as hearing all the stories of how natural and amazing it is I have also read many a blog/heard many a story of how difficult and painful it can be.
My NCT teacher was good at sharing both sides and wasn’t against bottle feeding however I recently went to NHS breastfeeding class and was alarmed to hear the midwife say that it “won’t hurt” and that you “won’t need nipple cream or shields”. I don’t understand why they are not more honest about it and some of the implications and problems rather than sugar coat it.
Ultimately fed is best, however that may be.
I can highly recommend “The Womanly art of Breastfeeding” it’s a fabulous book that will better prepare you for breastfeeding x
Wow Chloe… Honestly, what an amazing read. I remember the breastfeeding struggle in the beginning. It was hard, even though my son was keen, so I take my hat off to you on how long you persisted with a disinterested wee one. It’s such a shame that we women are constantly conditioned to be polarized on the feeding subject, and that you didn’t get offered alternatives. I’m firmly in the Happy Mum, Happy Baby camp. And yes… Fed is absolutely best.
Oh Lottie, your whole experience just screams lack of support. It’s such a roller coaster those first few weeks with a new baby as a first time mum. You went through emotional hell by the sounds of it, and yes I agree fed is best. What we need though, is more breastfeeding peer support workers. More IBCLC’s available within each health trust. More funding for breastfeeding support full stop. Breastfeeding is an art, most midwives, unless they have nursed their own babies, aren’t experts within the breastfeeding field.
I went through the wringer nursing both my babies, having had breast reduction surgery before kids too meant I had real issues with supply. Through that experience, I feel equipped to be able to help and guide other mums and wanted nothing more than to train as a breastfeeding peer support worker. But guess what? No funding in my area! Considering the WHO advise breastfeeding for two years, and the immunity benefits (amongst other things) that come from breastfeeding your baby I was really disheartened. Sums up the current state of our NHS, feeding our babies should be as much of a priority as giving birth to them with regards to funding and support. The point I’m trying to make? WE NEED MORE SUPPORT FROM THE GOVERNMENT, so that us new mums aren’t put through the emotional and psychological pain of struggling to feed our babies.
For many mums, we have to define our own success with our breastfeeding experience, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. For me with my second, to supplement two feeds with donor milk or formula was what made my nursing story a success. With my first baby managing to express enough milk throughout the day to give him a bottle at bedtime was what made my story a success, then after a few weeks of this I felt happy to move him onto formula exclusively. Two different experiences but both a success, because I had two happy thriving babies. The point I’m trying to make here, is rather than us mums feeling like we are failing, we have to shift that attitude into defining our own success with feeding our babies! And we do need more support. So much more support x
So true – it’s not enough to pressure mums into thinking ‘breastfeeding is best’ and then not offering the support that is needed to breastfeed.
I managed to breastfeed but it was a nightmare – tongue tied baby, mastitis, trips to the osteopath with a newborn, nipple shields for 3 months. It only worked because I paid to see a lactation consultant privately on a few occasions – but it was pricey! Yes probably considerably less than a year of formula but still a lot of money in one go which not everyone would be able to part with.
Oops I meant Chloe not Lottie, my apologies!
That is so ridiculous that they discharged you. I was shown how to express into a cup and given a syringe to give it to my baby and supported through the first 2 days when my baby also would not take it the breast. It was still stressful but I had midwives, auxilleries and lactation people come and try to help me. Yes – it worked in the end. But even if it hadn’t at least I didn’t feel totally alone. I feel the NHS give you the best case scenario on how it is if breastfeeding comes easily. For me once I got the hang of it, it wasn’t sore, I didn’t need sheilds and creams etc……but I know plenty other people for whom its been a painful experience of inflamed and cracked nipples!!!
Sorry you had to go through that and be ashamed of bottle feeding 🙁
Your experience makes me so so angry for you!!! Not so much from a feeding perspective but what is happening to our NHS!
This happened to a friend too, they kicked her out of hospital vulnerable and with a hungry baby and then had the nerve to be judgemental and rude to her when she decided to make sure her baby was fed. Our local Little hospital has a scheme where you can come in all day and hang out in their lounge watching tv and get help with each feed- but guess what, they don’t flag it at the big hospital and due to efficiency savings the entire hospital is being closed and the land sold off for flats.
Lies (it won’t hurt, most natural thing in the world), infantilisation (cause of the lies, don’t tell Mums about cluster feeding), and creeping privatisation is such a toxic cocktail that we face at such an intensely vulnerable moment.
But as you very rightly say, it takes two to tango. And if baby isn’t interested and won’t latch then that’s that! What are you meant to do?! I would have made exactly the choice that you did. We are so lucky to have access to good quality formula and the ability to make it up in a sterile environment.
Thanks for the responses, it’s a daunting thing to put yourself out there. The biggest lesson for me has been to listen to myself and baby, do what’s right for us!
This is a difficult read for me as we experienced similar. Although we were in hospital for a bit longer and the reason we left was due to me thinking everything was fine and established. It wasn’t. Luckily my health visitor stepped in and suggested a bottle before we needed to go back into hospital.
I think because i had said I wanted to breastfeed the midwifes didn’t feel like they could suggest it. As soon as I said that I wanted to try a bottle all they were was supportive. I on the otherhand beat myself up for weeks over it. It wasn’t helped by a helpful soul in Marks and Spencers cafe asking me ‘why on earth I was giving such a tiny baby formula when it should be on the breast’. This was my first solo trip out after my husbands paternity leave and I was already sad that I wasn’t breastfeeding. Instead of telling her to mind her own business, I tried to justify myself and told her all about my birth and the medication and that the HV thought that might have interfered with my milk supply. She told me that it was ‘nonsense’ and that ‘breastfeeding is difficult for everyone but that all women could do it and giving up was just lazy’. I left in tears. After this event my dad reminded me that I wasn’t feeding her poison it was something that was developed to feed babies.
I now have a very healthy and happy two year old. I am pregnant with number 2 and hope to breastfeed. However, this time I know if it doesn’t work there is nothing to be ashamed of. I also know how to politely tell nosey parkers in M&S to bog off!
Sorry for long rambling comment but this is something I think needs to be talked about. My NCT girls were also my saviours, we ended up 50% bottle and 50% breast, everyones littles are healthy, bright and beautiful.
Great post Chloe and so pleased you have made peace with everything that happened xxx
Chloe, I’m so glad you’ve made your peace with what happened but I’m just going to be over here quietly seething that you had to go through it at all. Just to be clear – you are completely awesome and you should be so proud of the choices and decisions that you made. But I’m so angry that you were put in that position and that the whole experience affected you like it did (understandably so!). You should have had more support and you should have FELT supported and guided at every turn, not just left alone to fend for yourself after growing and birthing a human. Breastfeeding is hard and the WORST thing that we do as a society is (1) pretend it isn’t (those NCT crawling up the boob vids don’t help) and (2) not put better support in place so that women can learn (in as non-pressured environment as poss) with real, practical advice and signposts for what to do when it isn’t working.
This isnt the fault of the NHS but this bloody awful government who have stripped the NHS at every turn. And it’s the oh so important services like maternity and mental health support that are struggling so much, and are causing experiences like yours. Argh.
Congratulations on battling through despite the lack of support and for your gorgeous little one year old!
Sounds a real ordeal for you.
I think the issues surrounding support of breastfeeding isn’t totally widespread so an overall blame of either the NHS or the government (not meaning you blaming them just people in general) isn’t helpful or correct. Where I live there’s tonnes of support and people who will say when it is time to stop and to try a bottle.
I breastfed both of mine and it isn’t easy but horror stories like yours shouldn’t put people off trying to feed. It isn’t always the case. I don’t think I was ever under the illusion it was a case of popping the baby on the boob and ta-dah! But I had a great experience and was lucky to have the first baby a super latcher. I find that sometimes I feel like I’m apologising for being able to breastfeed easily and that too is very wrong. I shouldn’t be made to feel guilty that it’s worked for us, in the same way you shouldn’t for it not working for you. I feel that there is far too much press and blogs covering horror stories and people who can’t feed – there needs to be balance with stories of success! It’s important too that people understand that there can be difficulties and if you can’t breastfeed then formula or expressing are other options we’re lucky to have in this country. But please RMF cover some happy breastfeeding stories too! I think you may have done one some time ago
Morning Victoria, thank you so much for your comments and I definitely agree that there is a balance when it comes to experiences. In the past the whole team have shared their experience (you can find them in the archives or search Breastfeeding) and we have had a complete mix from finding it easy (me!) to bottle feeding to struggling but persevering and issues with tongue tie. There really is a story for everyone so if anyone wants to read more then please do take a look and I’ll make sure we get some more experiences up soon for you. xx
I don’t want (in spite of my spur of the moment rant above, sorry Chloe) to turn this into a political debate but sometimes the old chestnut of the personal is political is appropriate. Sure every area is different but I feel we ignore warnings from the RCM at our peril.
https://www.rcm.org.uk/news-views-and-analysis/news/act-now-to-avert-growing-crisis-in-our-maternity-services’-says-rcm-as
https://www.rcm.org.uk/news-views-and-analysis/news/‘midwife-shortage-soars-as-birth-rate-figure-continues-to-rise-steadily
And it’s not just about feeding. Extended family member lost her baby to GBS complications after being hustled out in the same manner.
Totally agree and I’m not saying there aren’t issues just don’t want people to think that they are going to be affected too and be worried – having a baby is a worrying (albeit exciting!) time as it is.
Interestingly, having had issues feeding I feel like all I see is constant ‘breast is best’ and ‘joys of breastfeeding’ articles and posts which make me feel dreadful.
Perhaps we all see what we’re (subconsciously) looking for?
I agree completely Fionnula, I think I’m more aware of articles and posts on social media about the joys of breastfeeding etc because I’d always hoped that would be me too. Having formula fed baby since 6 weeks, it’s become a way of life so I guess I don’t normally notice the opposing view. Posts like this though do provide some reassurance that I’m not alone in the struggle and sometimes perseverance just doesn’t work out and that fed is best.
Yes probably. Like people have taken my comments as being negative on this post
Such an important and honest post. Sorry to hear what you went through Chloe and glad to hear your little girly is thriving now x
Thank you for sharing your story. I was welling up reading it as I can relate to a lot of it.. telling people pre-baby that I would like to breastfeed but be fine if it didn’t work out.. yep that was me. In reality I was devastated when it didn’t work out. Our baby was constantly on the boob and on discharge the hospital midwifes were praising my breastfeeding however like you I had a feeling something wasn’t right. We ended up like you with daily midwife visits where I was prodded and poked and various positions tried but for some unknown reason my boobs didn’t want to play ball! Looking back we were lucky as our midwife suggested formula when on day 3 she had lost 11% of her birth weight. I was so upset and felt like such a failure but have somehow managed to keep up breastfeeding what little milk I produce too and at 5 months she is still having one or two feeds a day although mostly formula fed. I was ashamed to give her formula though too and your comment about wanting a sign to say this wasn’t my choice really rang true- In reality I think it’s the mum-guilt we feel so readily as we so want the best for our babies. But fed is best and we shouldn’t feel bad! Sharing our stories is what really helps to know that other people have had similar experiences too so thank you again for sharing yours.
Thank you so much for this post! I can relate to so much of it, I too had a baby who just wasn’t interested and after a lot of stress my midwife suggested formula. I was so disappointed in myself and really ashamed to be using formula. I now have a beautiful almost 2 year old and I’m expecting our second. I still want to try and BF this time but I won’t feel the same shame if it doesn’t work out. I do feel there needs to be more support available though, I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I felt very alone. I had a friend who paid to see a lactation consultant because the support wasn’t available!
I’m seething too that you were treated this way Chloe. You needed so much more help and support than that and I cant believe they sent you home in that position! I was lucky enough to be able to breastfeed but it was not an easy start (I don’t think it ever is!). I felt like I hadn’t quite got the hang of it before we left the hospital after our first night but I just really wanted out of the hospital after the first night being woken up the third or fourth time by the baby, feeding, changing and resettling him, thinking what ace parents we were, going back to sleep, being woken up half an hour later by a midwife barging in,
turning on the lights and demanding ‘has this baby been on the breast’. Um yes he has, and now you’ve just woken us all up!
First night at home, after a day of feeding every couple of hours, he woke up about 11pm and then could just not be resettled. He screamed, and screamed and screamed and screamed. I kept trying to feed him. He kept screaming. All night. At about 3 in the morning my mum got up and tried to help me hand express. She is a nurse and has breastfed four children and was like, he’s temporarily exhausted your supply, when did you last eat/drink, you’re completely dehydrated from giving birth, I think you need to eat and drink more, and he needs a bottle. Made me some tea and toast and was like do you have a bottle/ any formula for him. No, I didn’t. Idiot. It was actually on my list to go out and buy the day he was born, but I went into labour. He screamed. It was 3am on a Sunday morning. So the 24 hour ASDA isn’t 24 hours because it the wrong fucking 24 hours. He screamed and screamed. Finally at 7am my husband was able to go out and get a bottle and some formula. We fed him. He lapped it up. We all went to sleep. The midwife came over. I told her I’d fed him formula. Felt all the guilts. She was totally fine with the formula (oh that happens to lots of people on the second night, your milk hasn’t come in yet, its called ‘second night syndrome’) but told me off for using a bottle, it would ruin his latch. I responded with I didn’t think it changed his latch at all, he looked the same as when he as sucking on me. She had no response to that – I think they are not used to women answering back like that but I am really stubborn! I am totally hearing you all above on false facts like ‘it shouldn’t hurt’ and ‘its natural’. Here’s some real facts:
I gave my baby a bottle on his second night alive. He stayed alive. I kept occasionally giving him bottles of either breastmilk or formula. We breastfed for nine months. It did not effect his latch. How many babies do you know that have suffered from ‘nipple confusion’?? I have never met one. Ever. The number of mum’s I know with babies who they couldn’t leave when they really wanted some time out because they wouldn’t take a bottle though. A lot. Not enough fingers on my hands.
It might hurt but it shouldn’t hurt too much. If it does there is probably something wrong. Keep asking for help. It took ten days before a smart midwife finally said to me that the reason my nipples were bleeding and sore was that he wasn’t taking enough of my breast into his mouth. He was sucking on my nipples and sucking them raw. After we got some help with that things dramatically improved. Every other midwife just took one look and said his latch was ‘fine’. It was fine but that’s not everything.
I have talked to loads of mums about breastfeeding, and what was harder, birth or breastfeeding. Everyone I’ve met has said breastfeeding (though after reading some of the stories floating around last week for birth trauma week, maybe I just know lots of really lucky mums). But consider that. Lots of women find it harder than birth. Not what they tell you in NCT is it? My advice to everyone I meet who is pregnant and is ‘hoping to breastfeed’ is to go out and buy a bottle/feeding cup (if you believe in the phantom nipple confusion) and some formula just in case. If you need it in the middle of the night you won’t regret it and have to listen to your poor child scream in hunger for several hours like I did.
3 Things they should teach you in NCT but didn’t:
1. Second night syndrome and what to do
2. How to sterilise/prepare bottles in case you need to. We had no idea what to do. Lucky for my mum on hand.
3. Cluster feeding. No one ever mentioned this and it nearly killed me.
🙌🏻 thank you for this post. We had a similar experience with our little lady. We syringe fed expressed milk for 4 days as she wouldn’t latch and fell asleep every time I put her to the breast. No-one recommended we try a bottle either. Weight loss meant readmission and a night in an incubator. As soon as the hospital recommended we try a bottle she guzzled the whole 40ml. I combination fed (all in a bottle) for 7 weeks and then transitioned to formula. Next time I won’t be so concerned about nipple confusion and will be prepared with a formula starter kit. I wish I had considered the fact that breastfeeding might not suit our precious girl. The guilt and constant remarks about the bottle by friends and family are very difficult though. The most important thing I learned is that it’s not about what you want, it’s about what they need. Fed is best should definitely be taught at antenatal classes, instead of assuming all mums and babies can breastfeed.
Thank you for a great article Chloe, I read this with a lump in my throats as I too had a baby who just wasn’t interested. I did however receive support from a lactation consultant on my second day in hospital. I felt like I was doing something wrong for so long, it wasn’t until baby was a few weeks old that I realised in my notes they had written that she had a lazy latch. My milk was there, if anything there was too much! On the odd occasion that she did latch, she’d fall asleep instantly so our sessions went on for 3 hours sometimes and she still came off hungry. We slowly replaced expressed milk with formula at 6 weeks too. At that point my Mum informed me that being number 3 of 3 children under 2 and a half, she breastfed me until 5 weeks and switched to formula and I was a healthy growing child and have an incredibly strong immune system. That tiny snippet of info washed away most of the mum guilt of stopping early on. We’ll have a second child and I’ll try breastfeeding again. Hopefully it’ll be a success but if it doesn’t work out then hey ho, I won’t stress like before!
Sorry to hear of your difficult breast feeding journey Chloe. I too have had a hard time with it, something which I hadn’t expected to happen.
From day one, my baby had trouble latching causing me toe curling pain, cracked nipples and bleeding. We did have support from the hospital which I’m very greatful of, however I had not expected to have to stay in. Everything I had been told prior to birth was that breast feeding was natural, easy to do and the baby will just do it! I never expected a stay in hospital and this was an extremely stressful and upsetting experience. I really think it should be shared more that this can happen.
Our baby was diagnosed with a tongue tie and although it did make a difference to his tongue movement, I still struggled with feeding. I visited an amazing breast feeding support clinic who tried to help me with different positions, and a number of midwives tried to help too. I continued through the pain however, as I felt so bad for giving up breast feeding and kept hearing “breast is best”.
At the last appointment I went to, the clinic said his mouth wasn’t opening wide enough and his head wasn’t tilting back. I couldnt see a way past this, I mean how do you get a baby to open his mouth wider! In the end I decided it was affecting me too much and taking the enjoyment away from me being with my baby. I was resenting feeding him which was awful.
I introduced formula at around 8 weeks and have been combination feeding since then (he’s 12 weeks now). I still do a night and first thing breast feed so he still gets some of the benefits. These feeds are so much better, less painful, but his latch is still not great. I’m sure it will ever improve, but at the moment this is working for me and we’re both happier.
I had a really tough time deciding to move to formula. I felt like I was poisoning my child! I wish now I hadn’t beat myself up so much, it wasn’t worth it, fed is best! Midwives push it so much, it makes you feel bad to go for formula. I think if someone had said it was ok to do this early on, maybe I wouldn’t have had such a hard time with it.
Interestingly I did read an article the other day about how few people actually breast feed in the UK so I’m surprised I felt like I was doing wrong going to bottle. With that in mind, I do now think if you can even breast feed for a little while, good on you, it doesnt need to be for the full 6 months, If you can’t, that’s fine too, as long as your baby is fed, it doesn’t matter how it’s done. There’s so much pressure around breast feeding, and pregnant ladies should be told that it may not all be easy sailing during their pregnancy so they know what to expect and that it’s ok if you don’t manage it. It would have made it easier on me I think.
PS so sorry for the mamouth post!
I also struggled to breast feed my first and it was something I felt horribly guilty about. I have now accepted that however you feed your baby as long as you do feed them then you are doing a good job!
We were kept in hospital for 5 miserable tear filled days. As each successive midwife tried and failed to get him to latch my feelings of failure deepened. One midwife told me I might as well formula feed as I had already ‘ruined his gut’ by giving formula on day 2.
It took my husband forcibly taking us home before I gained any sense of perspective and realised that I was harming my baby by not feeding him.
With baby 2 I did manage to feed for 7 months but it was a struggle every day and I was glad to stop. I think the most important thing is that everyone will find a different aspect of being a mum difficult and we should support not judge.
Thank you for writing this, I wish more people were made aware of the potential stress related to breast feeding. I resorted to a shield a few days after our (now 5 month old) son was born. It was the only thing that enabled me to keep feeding without absolute agonising pain. I was in hospital for one night and woke to find a midwife looming over us both suggesting I feed my baby. He was fast asleep but she ended up massaging my boob onto a spoon (just what you want at 3am) so I knew what to do when I got home. I really had no intention of doing that once home and just wanted to sleep. I took it a day at a time but felt really low. We persevered but it was miserable. Despite the fact he was having breast milk it STILL wasn’t enough for one midwife-“Its no good as if their lips aren’t touching your nipple they aren’t gaining the antibodies’ great. Just when I thought I’d cracked it.
H remained on the 2nd centile and a Health visitor made me feel awful when I went to get him weighed at 12 weeks. She said he wasn’t feeding enough and I needed to go away for two weeks, feed him constantly and come back. If he hadn’t put enough weight on he would need to go on formula. I left in tears. Two weeks later a totally different HV took one look at him and claimed him to be perfect. Seriously, two weeks of tearing my hair out.
He is now fed a combination of both breast and formula as for me personally I have found he sleeps better and is fuller for longer with a big fat bottle of formula at bedtime.
Someone else commented earlier, I just wish More NCT teachers/ Midwives/ Health Visitors did a bit of hand holding and helped vulnerable mums who are in a highly emotional state realise it can be bloody hard and that if it doesn’t work it’s ok.
Thank you for sharing your experience Chloe, it’s one that resonates with me a lot.
When I was pregnant with Milo, I attended the NCT classes and was very much in the ‘if I can breastfeed great, if not then it’s fine’ camp having had many friends who had done both.
When it came to it though, the reality was very different.
We had a traumatic birth experience filled with epidurals and goodness knows what, but were discharged from hospital 12 hours later with him kind of latching on but me not really feeling like I was doing it properly. 48 hours of almost constant screaming and feeding later when I eventually managed to speak to a midwife at the hospital I told her I didn’t think my milk had come in properly as he didn’t seem to settle at all and I didn’t feel that my boobs had changed at all; she essentially told me not to be silly and of course it would have come in by now.
Move forward another 24 hours and the community midwife came out to see us; within about five minutes of seeing him she’d sent us urgently back to hospital; he’d lost almost 20% of his birth weight and had severe jaundice. Essentially I’d been starving my baby and the poor mite hadn’t had anything apart from the tiniest bit of colstrum since birth.
On arrival at the hospital I had a lovely midwife who suggested we tried topping him up with some formula which they gave me – he instantly downed an entire bottle and slept for the first time properly since he’d been born. We spent five days in hospital with him under a sun lamp bed and I switched to bottle feeding fully, having tried in vain to pump and pump and pump; literally nothing came out!
I felt like I’d failed at the first hurdle – I wasn’t able to feed my baby which was essentially the only thing that I needed to do at that stage in his life, and my former attitude of whatever happens happens went completely out of the window. To cut a long story short, I ended up with hideous post natal depression for a long time and feel like I lost pretty much the whole first year of his life to this feeling of having failed him.
Roll round baby number two; I had a completely different pregnancy, had a completely natural, drug free birth but had exactly the same experience breastfeeding – after a couple of weeks of mixed feeding and trying to express a lot; still not getting anything more than about 5ml out, spending all my time with my boobs strapped to either a baby or a pump, and totally neglecting the then 2.5 year old Milo, I decided enough was enough, these boobs were obviously not meant for feeding and went fully to formula. Both boys are thriving little bundles of joy and to me that’s all that now matters.
I do still envy those who are able to breastfeed; my bestie has fed both of hers with no trouble whatsoever, and wish that it was something that I could have done, but for us it didn’t work and over time I’ve come to accept that that’s fine.
It is such an emotive subject with extreme views at each end of the spectrum but at the end of the day we need to respect and support each woman’s decision on how to feed their own baby, there should be no space for judging at what is already such an emotional, hormonal time xx
Hi Kim,
Not strictly BF related but would really be interested to know how you got over your first traumatic birth? I too had a very frightening birth experience and 20 months on still not sure whether I can through it all again although desperate for another baby.
Thanks!
Hi PB – sorry to hear you had a difficult birth experience – I think for me the worst thing was this feeling of a complete lack of control of my own body and then having to have drugs I didn’t particularly want, an epidural that didn’t really work properly and then a baby who wasn’t breathing properly when he came out – I felt like the world was happening around me and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.
Firstly, if you haven’t done already, you should be able to go back to the hospital you gave birth in and discuss your care, what happened and why, and see if you can get some form of acceptance for that – I only know this now as my sister has re-trained as a midwife and is just incredible; all of our friends who have had difficult births have done this and it’s given them a great sense of perspective.
As I mentioned briefly in my reply I had awful PND and as part of my treatment for that paid privately for counselling – we spent a lot of time talking about my experiences during the birth and early weeks and that really helped to voice my feelings out loud and then ‘forgive’ myself for what happened.
When I got pregnant with Ralphy our second I was determined for it not to be the same experience – I immediately booked on to a hypno birthing course and that really, really helped. I was able to breathe properly which had a remarkable effect on my body, and to talk internally to myself during my labour, and whilst in its own way birth number two was bonkers – I ended up giving birth on the motorway in an ambulance en route to hospital (!) I actually felt in control throughout the whole thing and would have done it again in a heartbeat.
Hope this helps you in some way – and know that you’re not alone – ultimately it’s worth it to have number two – I was super scared when I found out I was pregnant that I’d have to go through all the heartache again, but now they’re 2.5 and 5 and wouldn’t change it for the world xx