Just a quick hello from me this morning as I’d like to introduce you to Jane who will be joining us on these pages over the coming months. We are always honoured when our readers feel able to share their own personal stories here on Rock My Family and how supportive our community is. We have shared stories about IVF before but these have been one off accounts. Jane is at the very beginning of the IVF process, and over the coming months she will be back regularly to keep you all updated on the emotional and physical aspects that entails. I hope you will welcome her and find support if you are going through the process or equally are able to support Jane if you have already been through assisted conception.
I’d like to introduce myself today as ‘Jane,’ a long time lurker of Rock My Family who has been hiding out in the shadows for quite some time. I have been waiting patiently to gather my thoughts so that I can write this post and I now feel ready. Well at least I think I am! There is a little part of me which thinks I may be tempting fate by talking out loud about our plight, so please see my anonymity as a much needed form of protection.
So.. it’s time to talk infertility. It impacts as many as one in seven couples in the UK and earlier this year my husband and I gained membership to that exclusive club that nobody really wants to join. With some hesitation, I wrote to Lottie and Charlotte to ask if they’d consider featuring our experience as it’s an area which I feel needs exploring. Trust me when I say I’m beyond happy to be here, even if it’s not in the way I would have planned!
Born into the ‘Sugar’ magazine generation, I was led to believe coming within three metres of a man’s nether regions would mean instant pregnancy. I’m not going to lie, after six months of ambivalence and ‘waiting to see what happened’ followed by months of ovulation sticks and post-coital leg cycling, my husband and I were both pretty surprised that we weren’t seeing that big fat positive. Surely it wasn’t supposed to be this hard?
It was in February after both undergoing a variety of invasive procedures that we were finally diagnosed with primary male-factor infertility. If you throw my BMI and hormone levels into the mix, we’ve actually met the NHS criteria for funded treatment by the skin of our teeth. After a few frustrating months we finally received some really positive news and have recently gained approval for assisted conception funding for one cycle. Yes we’ve done our research, we’ve talked to the experts, we’ve explored our options, but however cautiously optimistic we are this whole thing is just downright scary! We don’t dwell and try not to bury ourselves in the experience, but honestly the odds are against us to conceive. However I’m a very positive person so we are trying our best to see fertility treatment as an extension of the whole TTC process. (What is with the endless fertility abbreviations?!)
We have never wanted our struggle to define us a couple. We don’t want this situation to become our ‘everything’ and there are so many more dimensions to us other than our infertility. My decision to write anonymously is absolutely not because I am ashamed of our plight. In fact far from it – I could burst with pride at how well my husband has dealt with the diagnosis. However, whilst some couples choose to share the news that they are trying to conceive, this was never going to be our way. We were always very private about our initial decision to try and get pregnant and we don’t see anything wrong in that. A small part of me holds on to the idea that one day my husband and I will be able to make a surprise announcement, and why should we be deprived of that moment?
Despite my optimism however, the last year or so has felt suffocating at times. We hadn’t anticipated just how overwhelming and exhausting it can be keeping everyone in the loop, but we are forever thankful that we have been able to confide in our family and a few close friends.
We are both nervous about the emotional and overwhelming path we are about to take but I am so very grateful that over the next few months I have been given the chance to share our journey with you all on Rock My Family. Things have now become very real but I know what a supportive and caring forum this blog has become and I hope we can get through this together!
I would also love to blog about my experience of acupuncture and the things I’m doing to prepare my body to conceive. Perhaps this will also be relevant to anyone who is trying for a baby, naturally or otherwise?
Please do let me know if there are any assisted conception aspects you would like to see covered in my posts. I think it is so important for people to be able to open up a discussion around fertility and I hope in some small way we have started this today.
Most of all I would be very grateful for the advice of anyone else who has been in a similar situation and has any words of wisdom you have to get us through this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for having me here.
J xx
Welcome Jane! And thank you so much for sharing you journey with us – I struggled to conceive for just over 3 years and despite trying not to let it become all consuming, I had some very dark times during that period. We were exactly the same and didn’t share that we were trying for a baby except with some very close friends so I understand the anonymity part! We opted not to pursue IVF and I did conceive naturally just at the point I had accepted that we would remain as a 2 in our family, but that that was ok. My son is now 15 months old. I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey and look forward reading all about it x
Congratulations on your son and thank you very much for your comment Sophie. I was so nervous about this post so I’m grateful for the kind welcome. J x
Sending lots of positivity your way Jane! We are routing for you! If you don’t mind me asking, I have two friends who are also trying to conceive, one going through IVF, the other currently on the waiting list, and I’m wondering from your perspective, how can friends best support you through this process? I want to be supportive but I’m finding it tricky to know what the best way is to be there and what gestures they would/wouldn’t appreciate? Wishing you and your husband all the luck in the world xo
I hope I’m not hijacking this but I have commented below as am going through IVF too but also read your comment and think it’s lovely that you are asking how best to support your friends. Everyone is probably different but just knowing friends are thinking of you and that they are there if you want to talk or be distracted is the main thing. One of my friends would text every now and then and say “I understand you might not want to talk about it but I also don’t want you to think I don’t care and I am here if you need me”. I personally have found a text easier to respond to as then I can decide if I want to discuss it rather than being put on the spot. Maybe it’s a case of asking how they would prefer to be treated?? My best friends made me a pamper pack with chocolates, candles, colouring in book etc before the treatment started which was lovely. The fact that you are worrying about your friends says to me that you will probably be great at supporting them!! Good luck to them too x
Kate, I was going to say such similar things! HM you are such a lovely friend for asking.
I still find so few people understand what the procedure entails – the injections, the hormones and all the invasive scanning. I have a friend who has clued herself up on information and I really appreciate her taking the time to do this. Best of luck to your friend and thank you for your comment. J x
Hi Jane! Thank you for being brave enough to share your journey with us all. My husband and I have been ttc for 3 years and we are now also at the start of our first ivf cycle, my drugs should be arriving any day now! I fully understand your need for anonymity as we have only talked to a few close family and friends about our struggle, for me I felt the more people that knew, the more pressure I would feel. Even those who know what is going on don’t know exactly where we are in the process as we, like you, really hope to be able to surprise everyone with some happy news one day! I wish you all the best with your journey and fingers crossed we both get that bfp soon xx
Fingers crossed for you too Kelly. J x
Hi Jane, I felt compelled to write. I known all too well the feelings you are both experiencing, we too had the ‘well it will happen pretty soon’ expectation and when it didn’t and we began exhausting the various precedures and medications, found ourselves at our first consultation to discuss ivf (ICSI being our advised method). From ‘it would be fine to get pregnant now’ to the conception of our precious daughter it was 4 years. I won’t say the 4 years we’re all rosy but they weren’t all terror either, we had some bumps and many tears but I found the best way was to live ‘alongside it’ not ‘in it’. Easy to say but it’s best not to get consumed in online forums, statistics and constant worry. Keep up with your hobbies, go on adventures, go on dates together, plan trips. A busy mind is a happier one. Also being a team is vital- talk to each other, be honest when one of you is struggling, pick each other up and make each other laugh.
Sending you so much love and luck, although it’s a minority we’d all hope to never be in it is one of support and understanding, reach out when you need to and you will find a wealth of strong women (and men) ready to stand behind you x
I was so hesitant to write Lou but it’s comments like yours which make me realise I made the right decision as the RMF community is so supportive.
Thank you very much for the words about living ‘alongside’ not ‘in it’ – this is such a helpful and positive outlook to have. Thank you for your support. J x
Just wanted to say good luck on your journey. We are currently going through investigations for secondary infertility which seems to be another taboo subject. You’ve got one so you’re OK. Also NHS are in the same boat you have one so you don’t have any options apart from paying for treatment yourself. I think there is a real issue at the moment in schools where we have been so great at educating children on teenage pregnancy but fertility was never discussed. We were all so good at preventing pregnancy, I too assumed getting pregnant would come easy. No idea that there was a 5 day window if that!
It’s incredible so may people seem to get pregnant without trying. It really is difficult!
Wishing you lots of luck Helen . J x
Sadly, we found out two days ago that our second round of IVF had failed but our friends found out that their first round worked a few weeks ago so I think the main piece of advice would be to not try and predict the future because you can never know the outcome. Take each day as it comes and try to be positive and arrange something to look forward to at the end of the two week wait so you can either celebrate good news or commiserate by eating loads of Brie and drinking gin and various other things you haven’t been able to do previously! In fact, arrange lots of nice things to do throughout the process and things to take your mind off it. Do injections before dinner everyday so you can get them out of the way and enjoy the rest of your evening. I have two other friends who have been through the process and we have had totally different outcomes and experiences and yours will be unique to you. Wishing you all the luck in the world…it’s a very difficult process at times and I think it’s great you are writing about it. It will help you and help others to understand what it’s like to be in this crappy club! I’ll be keeping everything crossed for you x
I am so sorry to read this Kate and it must be really hard to deal with when your friend has had a different outcome too.
Wishing you all the best and hope you have a relaxing weekend gin fuelled weekend planned. J x
The idea of arranging things to coincide with the process is a great one. We were lucky enough to be able up afford a little holiday to coincide with each time a pregnancy test was to be done.
Thank you so much for sharing, I really hope that in sharing your journey you feel supported by us as readers, we are all rooting for you. I don’t have personal experience of IVF, but really admire a friend who had a long journey to conception and (as one commenter has mentioned above) just kept going with ‘normal’ things as much as possible e.g. Going on holiday, moving house etc. It must be so tempting to put things on hold for ‘in case of’ which is completely understandable, but she found she would have had her life on hold for 3 years, so in the end carrying on with trips to far off places and suchlike really did help the time to pass and stopped her from feeling as though conception ruled her life entirely. I am 100% not trying to tell you what do but just sharing experiences of a friend in case it’s helpful. Will look forward to reading about your journey, and sending you all the luck in the world xx
India, your friend is incredible! I’m in awe of anyone who could go through this and the stress of moving home, but I’m very much in agreement that life can’t go on hold.
Thank you for sending luck. J x
Wishing you so much luck on your IVF journey Jane… It took my husband and I 3 years to conceive (I have PCOS) and I found that once we started the IVF process I felt so much relief that something was finally being done! We were extremely lucky that it worked first time… I felt acupuncture helped me massively in the mind and body, I also downloaded the Zita West ‘Positive visualisation for IVF’ and listened to this everyday.
All the best xx
I totally agree about that sense of relief, definitely!
Hi Katie, so wonderful to hear it worked for you first time.
Thanks for the Zita West visualisation recommendation too. I have my first acupuncture session booked soon and I’m not entirely sure what to expect. Think it’s like all these things and best to approach with an open mind! J x
I’ve no experience at all but I just wanted to wish you all the luck and hope you have much success
Thank you Victoria x
This is the first time I’ve ever posted on this site, but having gone through IVF, I felt compelled to comment. I’m not going to lie – it is a tough process, but you sound as though you and your husband make a great team and already are very mentally prepared for it.
My main bit of advice would be to try not to worry too much about your role in it – I read so much about different things people did in an effort for it to work (including two weeks off work after the embryo was put in and various special foods and drinks). If doing these things makes you feel better and gives you a sense of control, then I’m not going to knock anyone trying them, but crucially, I think it’s important to accept that there’s really not that much you can do. It worked for us in the end – and that time it was with the least promising of three embryos, which was put back into me days after I got back from the hen do of a close friend, where I had had a good few drinks!
Also, don’t be afraid to ask questions at the fertility centre.
Finally, all the very best of luck x
Hi Sarah, it’s so refreshing to hear this approach! In my mind I’m trying to have a flexible approach rather than be too controlling but I’m finding getting in to food, drink, yoga is really positive for me and helps me focus.
It’s lovely to hear a success story. J x
All the best on your TTC journey! It took us over three years and three rounds of ICSI but I am sitting here now looking at my precious 5 month old baby girl! I would say it can be easy to lose yourself while going through this so do things that make you happy and be kind to yourself. Make time for yourself and your partner. Its easy to put everything on hold but you have to keep living life! Also I have an TTC account (seperate to my personal one) on instagram and there are a lot of different ladies (and men!) on there with lots of experience and knowledge which I found really helpful. It helped me feel not so alone and have made some amazing friends x
Hi Sarie, congratulations on your little one!
I was thinking of setting another instagram account and now you’ve definitely spurred me on. Thank you! J x
As an actual Jane who has been the rough the IVF process I can really sympathise with you, Jane! For us the diagnosis was frustrating as there was nothing to ‘fix’ or to explain why I hadn’t been able to conceive. However, we realise that we were still in a much better position than many others going into IVF. To cut a long story short, I was lucky enough that I became pregnant with my first embryo transfer from my second round following two failed trainsfer from the first. I’m 15 weeks pregnant, so it’s all pretty recent for me. As there were no reasons why the previous transfers had failed I was offered an endometrial scratch prior to the second round, and I also began acupuncture. Whether either of these changes made a difference, I have no idea and will never know, but it felt worth changing things up and trying something new going into our second round. My advice to you would be not to look too far ahead into the process as there can be many hold-ups along the way and any small thing can delay your progress until the next month. As others have said don’t put your life on hold for IVF, it’s a gruelling process and you need to be able to balance it with some fun too! Protect your heart as well – I once cancelled dinner with friends as one had just announced her pregnancy at the same time as I had found out about my first failed embryo transfer. I was so delighted for her but needed to prioritise myself in that moment. Finally, I listened to ‘Matt and Doree’s Eggcellent Adventure’ podcast and found it comforting to listen to people in the same boat – it’s also very funny! I wish you the very best of luck with the IVF process, take care of yourself.
Hello Jane, wow – sending you lots of congratulations. It’s wonderful to know you’ve had a successful outcome.
I’ll be listening to the podcast! Thank you for the advice about not looking too far ahead. We are both guilty of this sometimes. J x
Hi Jane
Thank you for sharing your experience. I look forward to reading your posts. We are embarking on the same IVF journey and i am feeling so many mixed emotions. I want us to be as “match fit” as possible so any experiences you can share would be much appreciated. Thank you
Match-fit is a great description Sarah. Best of luck to you and hopefully my next post will be helpful (for us both!) J x
Hi jane!
I just wanted to say how important I think sharing your story is! We went through IVF 6 years ago after 3 years battling unexplained infertility. I found the whole process such a lonely place as it just seemed to be the thing no one talked about! People would ask if it would be us next or when we wanted a family but I never knew if people actually wanted the truth behind the small talk and never really trusted myself to talk about it much as it was so blooming painful!
I also wanted to say good luck and to share a positive outcome with you… We had one round of IVF which produced two viable embryos- George is now 5 from our first round, Esme is almost 4 after the frozen embryo was transferred and baby Ted is 9 months old after we became complacent!! 😉 As hard as I know it is, (and believe me I had some incredibly dark days!) try to keep positive and read success stories wherever possible! I have 5 friends who have all had IVF and all now have babies or small children running them off their feet! It can feel like the statistics are stacked against you but keep dreaming!
I have a blog about my experiences as a parent and wrote a couple of pieces about our journey through infertility and then IVF. If you click on my name here it should take you to the site if reading more would help. They are called ‘the ‘f’ word part 1 and 2 (I’d link it but I’m on holiday at the min and the wifi is dodgy!!)
Everything crossed for you on the journey you are about to take!!! Take care Xxxxx
Hello Rachel! Thanks – I’ll be sure to check out your blog.
So reassuring that you have 5 IVF friends and three of your own littles. Thank you very much for your comment. J x
The best advice I could offer is to plan lots of nice things in for ‘the wait’ once the embryo has gone back. I’d got myself all ready for the injections and the egg retrieval but it was the wait after all that that I found really really difficult! Lots of shopping trips and lunches and projects helped pass the longest ten days of my life!!! Have everything crossed for you xxx
Hi Jane, I haven’t gone through the IVF process, nor do I know anything of its technicalities. BUT I do know something of the frustrations when trying to conceive and wishing you the absolute best of luck through this process and look forward to following/supporting your journey. xx
Thank you Sophie x
Hey Jane
I have endometriosis and also had problems with hormone levels and low egg reserve as a result of it. It took us a long time to finally be referred for IVF and we started treatment in February of this year. We were lucky that our first round worked and I’m 26 weeks pregnant (although with serious complications – but that’s another story).
I think the hardest thing I found was that every step feels like another hurdle to jump – every blood test, scan, how many eggs, how many embryos, how many frozen and then ultimately the final result after the 2 weeks wait. Stick together as a team and when one is up they can help the one who is down.
Be kind to yourself. It’s a stressful, emotionally draining time and then you have all the those hormones being pumped in on top. I tried to follow my clinic’s advice with diet and vitamin recommendations but I also believe acupuncture really did help. I’d been having it for about 18 months to help with my endo but I made sure I had a treatment before and after my embryo transfer.
I’m looking forward to following your journey and wish you lots of love and luck. x
Hi Jen, Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope it’s smoother sailing from now on.
Good to hear you found acupuncture helpful and thank you for the advice. J x
We’re also due to start our first cycle shortly! Unfortunately it’s taken the NHS 15 months to decide that we are not eligible for funding. Our issue is male infertility due to the fact my husband has spina bifida and will require surgical sperm removal which our health care trust won’t fund. Although this has comr as a massive blow we’ve now got our finances in place (with a nifty remortgage!) and we’re ready to get started! I’ve felt so out of control during this time, waiting for referrals that never came as we got lost in the system and test results that took months of chasing to receive but now we are ready to start i feel so much more positive. Taking control of my mindset and diet has really helped and I’d really recommend the Zita West ivf diet book if the nutrition side of things interests you. I’ve also been focusing a lot on visualisation and we always refer to our baby as a definite event rather than an ‘if’ if that makes sense. Sending you much love and luck and I’m so pleased that RMF will be sharing your story – it couldn’t have come at a better time for me! xx
Rachel I found that once we were out of the NHS system and being treated in a private clinic (albeit NHS funded) that things went a lot more smoothly and quickly. Good luck x
Best of luck with your cycle too Rachel.
Sorry you’ve had such a tough time with the NHS – we’ve met some incredible professionals over the last year or so but our GP was inept which made things much more stressful. He told my husband there was no issue with his sperm results when he was actually reading the control! Good to hear you’re going in with a positive attitude and visualisation is definitely something we’ll be trying too. J x
Hi Jane, best of luck on your IVF journey. We were lucky enough to be successful on our first round and welcomed our daughter to the world five weeks ago. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to really keep your mind positive and believe that this process is going to be successful for you. Try your hardest not to let the stress, doubt and anxiety in, you might find the zita west relaxation download helpful or try headspace for a bit of mindfulness. It’s great that you’re trying acupuncture too but if you’re not feeling it spend the money on having a really awesome massage every week instead- anything to give you some relaxation time and clear your head.
Like you I struggled with having to update friends and family on our progress so put down a ‘don’t ask I’ll tell’ rule which worked really well for us, in fact we didn’t tell anyone we were doing IVF and so got to make the special surprise announcement we’d always hoped for.
Finally, I found it helpful to have a countdown like you would for a holiday or big event. I made a wall chart and would mark off each injection with a big fat tick, it really helped me to see the month at a glance and see that each day I was getting a step closer to that pregnancy test at the end.
Wishing you lots of love and luck, I’m sure by sharing your journey you will help countless other people so thank you for being so brave x
Lottie, congratulations on your bundle of joy!
I was talking to my husband about booking a holiday last night. I think I may be able to convince him now! J x
Hi Jane,
Just wanted to wish you all the luck in the world. We started our IVF journey 4 years ago and after a very difficult cycle (I got OHSS) and a frozen transfer, we were incredibly lucky and it worked and we have a 3 year-old daughter! We are smack bang in the middle of trying again in the hope we get lucky again. It’s incredibly hard, physically and mentally but I find just taking it 1 step at a time is the best thing to do, don’t look too far ahead. Acupuncture is great and I listened to zita west positive visualisation every night which really helped me to relax. I wish you all the best, be kind to yourself and take it easy. Xx
Thanks Angela, and wishing you lots of luck second time round. J x
I have a 2 year old son as a result of successful IVF (ICSI). It worked first time for us(also male factor). I truly believe that positivity was a major factor in it working – I didn’t really ever think that it wouldn’t work I just felt right from the start of the Injections that this was all for the baby which WILL make itself at home in my body. Other than that I just treated myself as if I were already pregnant and tried to carry on as normal. I knew 7 days after a day 5 transfer that I was pregnant even though we had to officially wait to test on something like day 16. I could just feel it and we tested on day 9 and got he positive.
Now I have this incredible little boy, and despite a lot of challenges for us as a family this year (my son was diagnosed with cancer this year) the joy he brings to my life is beyond words.
I wish you all the luck in the world that you get to have the same (obviously without the cancer part!)
Claire, sending you strength and positivity. So sorry to read about your little boy.
Thank you for such kind words. J x
Thank you for sharing this Jane. I’m not sure I can articulate all the thoughts in my head after reading this but felt I needed to try. So please bear with me! I remember reading the last IVF article on RMF the day we had egg collection on our first round. I would totally second the advice given by all the replies, especially to live alongside it, have acupuncture and keep making plans, especially holidays (we’ve un?fortunately managed 2 ski trips, French camping road trip, Kuala Lumpur and Cyprus).
We had an interesting time learning about our infertility, with PCOS on my side and my partner being diagnosed with klinefelter syndrome. After some frustrating and thoughtless dealings with the NHS on my husband’s part we found a wonderful specialist in London and were given a small glimmer of hope. Nine months later, after one round of expensive private ICSI and a frozen transfer we have come to terms with the fact that we will not be biological parents. Reading all the positive success stories of IVF, I really hope that we will get to see you sharing your success story. I dont want to come across as negative but I wanted to offer our experience that if it doesn’t work and you decide to ‘get off the IVF’ train it’s okay. There is hope. We have made that decision and with the support of our friends and family (who have been, and continue to be, invaluable) to create our family through adoption. After a sad, stressful, emotional, uncertain time we’re finally feeling excited about becoming parents again and cannot wait to see what our future holds-after another holiday of course (Bali this time!)
Sending positive thoughts your way x
This is such an important comment too. We always had an ‘end goal’ we had agreed that if our NHS funded rounds didn’t work that would be it for us. The complications I’m experiencing in my pregnancy mean I’m definitely going to have my baby prematurely and that he may not make it, which has thrown up a whole lot of other questions about what we will do if we end this year without our baby in our arms, and how much we are prepared to put ourselves through.
I have everything crossed for you Jen. Sending lots of hope and positivity your way. J x
Thank you Bloss for being so honest and open. As we face the possibility of using a donor I have to say we’ve both wondered if this is the right ‘train’ for us.
Wishing you so much happiness for your next step (and a wonderful holiday too). J x
Hello Jane, smashed my phone yesterday so didn’t comment until I got it fixed today but wanted to say welcome and thanks so much for sharing your experience. Loads of luck to you and your partner- i have no experience of IVF personally but I have had a lot of Acupuncture as my mum is an acupuncturist. I’ve loved meeting people briefly on their way to appointments at her house and seeing many of them with little ones later. One thing she says is that often she only sees the woman during IVFwhen she feels that both partners would benefit. Just a thought.
Very best to you xxx
Thanks Lucy S. I’ve mentioned this to my husband. It’s such an interesting point that I hadn’t thought about before but makes a lot of sense now you’ve mentioned it. Jx
Wow, what supportive & empowering bunch of lovelies that are commenting on here. You have a virtual IVF squad by your side Jane ready to be here for you.
We began our IVF journey at the start of the summer. 2 weeks ago a stick that I did a wee on broke me. A simple test that we dread for most of our early twenties , caused sobs that I have never experienced before. Our first cycle failed us and I was shocked at my reaction as I thought I was a controlled individual. I let IVF take over, I didn’t live beside it. Lesson learnt.
I loved HM’s comment about what she can do to support a friend. You are already a supportive friend for thinking that. I have some very special friends that have been on this journey with me and are amazing. Simple texts, phone calls, written correspondence asking how we are did so much. Just let your friend know they don’t need to feel lonely, you’re there with them. Don’t try to understand, just listen and show you care. As long as you avoid the “don’t think about it and it will happen” “stop getting stressed” “My friend held her legs in the air for 30 mins and got pregnant, have you tried that” and you’ll be on course for friend of the year. Sending a hug to anyone going through IVF, you can do this!
Marie, sorry for the late reply. So sorry to hear your first cycle wasn’t successful. Best of luck if you decide to go again. Jx
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