I’m sure those of you with little babies under one will be getting very excited now for their first Christmas – I know I am, it’s been a crazy year. Everyone always tells you what a roller coster it is, but until you have a baby I don’t think you can even come close to understanding the full extent of it. I always find myself being quite reflective as the year draws to an end, so I thought it would be nice to share our thoughts and feelings about babies first year and also discuss the things we might do differently, with the benefit of hindsight – to reassure any first time Mums out there that they are doing a great job, and also in the hope that you lovely readers will share any advice or anecdotes that helped you during the first year too…
Charlotte
I wish I had spent more time with Mabel. I wish I hadn’t had to go back to work so soon and send her to her grandparents when she was so tiny. I am very grateful for their support but I am full of regret. Even now. I try not to think about it to be honest. And I know we can all only do our best. But I can’t help but wonder, had I not returned so soon, would it have made that much difference anyway? Sometimes I think we can be too hasty with our decisions, especially when it’s your first baby – you have absolutely no idea how overwhelming it is to become a Mum, what the emotional implications will be or how you will feel from one day to the next. My advice would be in terms of maternity leave to not make any concrete plans at all, take the pressure off and enjoy it. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Lolly
If it’s a piece of advice then I have two – trust your gut as you’re never far wrong and secondly take as many photos as is physically possible to do so of your baby growing up especially in their first year. Obviously there is a balance between actually spending time with your baby as opposed to behind a lens but however much you think you’ll remember, the reality is that you don’t. I look back at pictures of Hector when he was a lot smaller and can’t remember him ever looking like that. I’m so glad that I took a trillion a day so that we both can look back at them when he’s older. And always get them backed up and printed off so that you have a record of them somewhere other than a phone or laptop. Never neglect the mundane moments either – such as teatime or bath time as ultimately these are so precious.
Becky
I wish, really sadly, that in Leo’s first year I had cuddled him more, held him more and comforted him more. I think in the first year it is almost impossible to know what to do for the best. I was so desperate for him to be an independent boy and not clingy and not rely on me for sleeping and so a lot of times I tried to allow him to self soothe. He was clearly very unhappy about it but in the moment it was hard to see that. As it turns out, the lack of cuddling and comforting was a complete waste of time as he still, 2 years on, doesn’t sleep and doesn’t want to sleep. I wonder if that’s my fault for not helping him sleep as a little baby or if that’s just the way he is. So now, a lot of the time when he ‘doesn’t want’ to sleep, I give him a cuddle to try and reassure him…Making up for lost cuddles from his tiny times.
Lottie
In terms of that first year it was different for both girls. With Molly, my eldest, I would say to just enjoy it. I take quite a relaxed approach to parenting and accept that what will be will be. I sat and held her when she was tiny for as long as she needed. I loved those cuddles. I let her sleep when she wanted and never forced a routine. By 5 months she was text book Gina Ford without me doing anything. Babies find their own patterns. I gave her a dummy at 4 months to help her sleep. That’s what worked for her and me. I didn’t stress when she wouldn’t sleep (ok maybe once or twice!) and I took her to lots of groups despite the inevitable germs! Basically little ones will get through and I think you have to learn to accept that and not stress about what you should and shouldn’t be doing at different points.
The first year of your second little’s life is very different and one of my biggest pieces of advice is to accept the guilt. Alice was a clingy baby who only slept on me and I will always feel sad that I missed most of Molly being a toddler because I was holding Alice and unable to do anything. I equally seemed to miss Alice being a teeny baby. I didn’t have the time to sit and enjoy her in the same way when I also had a small toddler requiring my attention. It broke my heart that I couldn’t be running around playing with Molly and looking after Alice despite my best attempts. I did my best though and that’s all that matters.
Lorna
I don’t think I have any regrets about any of their first years, I was incredibly lucky to take a full year off (two in Elliott’s case as Joseph joined us soon after Elliott was one) to look after each of them before returning to work. It meant we had to cut back on holidays, day trips and treats but we managed somehow and whilst I feel guilty at not being able to provide the best for them, they never went without the essentials. Having said that, this was a long time ago so my memories might be a little rose tinted! My only regrets with Anabelle’s first year is not documenting enough of our memories, I think our camera got broken and my phone had very little storage capacity so even if I did try to capture a moment it wouldn’t be saved 🙁
Fern
If I could go back and talk to my crazy, sleep deprived self – I’d tell myself to stop stressing so much about making sure Elle napped. I used to google ‘baby sleep patterns at X weeks’ so often I’d even bore myself. Elle found her own routine at around 7 months and has always napped differently to babies of a similar age. Plus as soon as I get used to her being a certain way for a while – it all changes, I guess that’s babies for you.
We hope all of your babies first Christmas’ are magical and please do share your pearls of wisdom – gleaned with hindsight 😉 in the comments below the post!!
x
Ahhh, Becky and Ferne- your words definitely ring true for me. At three months I rock Frank to sleep at every nap and bed time, and am there to pick up/pat/soothe within minutes when he stirs. Despite the back ache and the hours of patience, I do relish these moments (or try to at least), and yet am wracked by guilt that he doesn’t know how to ‘self soothe’ when all my friends babies can. It’s nice to hear that you wish you’d held him more, Becky, although I’m sorry you feel that way! And Ferne- I hear ya with the googling! My current bookmarked question is ‘how to get baby to sleep longer than 20 minutes’. This baby does not sleep longer than 20-30 minutes during the day, I know now because he comes out of his light sleep and cannot self settle in to the deep sleep (probably due to the fact he’s rocked to sleep by me- vicious cycle), but it’s an absolute pain in the arse when you have work to do. Plus no one likes an overtired baby.
I actually read an article somewhere that self soothing is a total load of nonsense, and that the intelligence levels it takes to be able to do this aren’t actually gained until they are toddlers – so self soothing is kind of pointless. This being said, the same article said that some babies are better at sleeping because when they wake up they don’t release stress hormones, whereas some babies do – so really whether your baby is a good sleeper or not is pot luck. I’ll see if I can find it for you, will look through my overly used Google search history 😉
Elle has only had one proper nap during the day for a while now, whereas all her friends do two or three!! So don’t worry too much. And she definitely had days where she would only do the short sleep cycle thing – long buggy walks can help, so the motion rocks them back to sleep when they wake up after the first time, Elle always naps to music which settles her if she wakes up, and also, often if she’s napping and I’m working next to her, I’ll stroke her head and slowly close my eyes and this helps to get her to drift off for another sleep cycle.
That all being said, it does get easier as they get older and move around as they need that sleep to recover – I promise Frank will get there – definitely enjoy the cuddles and don’t worry about the vicious cycle, do what you need to do at the time, because they change just when you think you’ve cracked it!!!
Have a lovely Christmas Sama!!! xxx
Rock away Sama. And your friends are probably fibbing. I came to the conclusion that my friends babies couldn’t possibly be as ‘good’ as they said. I couldn’t be the only one with an extremely unsettled baby. I wish I’d just got a baby born or something and worn him all day! Haha.
He’ll find his way 🙂 And you’ll start to get used to it too, especially the over tired thing. It’s something you just have to be very patient with and try to remember that it’s not his fault. He’s so brand new, he hasn’t got a clue what’s going on and is just trying to figure it all out too. You sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job. Have a wonderful Christmas xx
Rock away Sama. And your friends are probably fibbing. I came to the conclusion that my friends babies couldn’t possibly be as ‘good’ as they said. I couldn’t be the only one with an extremely unsettled baby. I wish I’d just got a baby born or something and worn him all day! Haha.
He’ll find his way 🙂 And you’ll start to get used to it too, especially the over tired thing. It’s something you just have to be very patient with and try to remember that it’s not his fault. He’s so brand new, he hasn’t got a clue what’s going on and is just trying to figure it all out too. You sound like you’re doing a brilliant job. Have a wonderful Christmas xx
I used to worry about this all the time because my baby always wanted to be held and would only nap while being held until she was about 6 months. Now she’s 18 months I’m glad I held her a lot, that time is so precious and goes so fast. She still doesn’t ‘self soothe’ but that’s ok and she has gradually got better over time. There’s nothing wrong with holding your baby as much as you want 🙂 the only thing I’d do differently is get a good sling so I could have got a bit more done!! My best advice for the first year is follow your instincts and be led by your baby, they are an individual and don’t have to follow any books or do the same as other babies. If you can get in that zone and go with the flow then life is generally easier and more enjoyable! x
I wouldn’t worry so much about breastfeeding. I wasn’t able to feed for various reasons so i expressed 8 times a day including at 2am as I wanted him to have what I thought was best for him. After 18 weeks of this I finally realised that it didn’t matter to him how he got fed and that he was and still is a happy and healthy boy. So my advice to new mums would be feed your baby however you can and don’t worry about where it comes from.
And to take videos as well as photos as actually seeing some of the moments again ‘live’ rather than on a picture is brilliant! Merry Christmas ladies! Xx
18 weeks is very good going Michelle, so well done you. And yes, at the end of the day, a fed baby is a happy baby!
Good point about the videos too – capturing the babbles and the first crawls, climbs and steps is priceless!
Happy Christmas to you and your family too x
If I could do it all over again I’d tell myself to stop googling, to stop reading different theories and to stop fretting about what all my friends babies were doing. I’m not sure I would have listened to my own advice, as it’s hard when your in that first year bubble, but I so wished I’d been more laid back and followed my own gut more.
Anyway, we must have done something right as Emmy is such a joyful little person. Sometimes I have to tell myself to put down the housework though and enoy her more. That stuff can wait but she will grow up before I know it. Although I am thinking a book or two on dealing with toddler tantrums might be needed very soon i.e. now (help!) xxx
You’re so right Tabitha – it’s hard to be rational and sensible when you’re in that one year bubble.
I bet Emmy is a total cutie and I’m sure the other RMF ladies will be able to advise on dealing with toddlers.
Have a lovely Christmas x
The only thing to do with Tantrums is ignore them I’m afraid. Molly never had them but my god Alice could (and still can) strop for England! Over everything. Not being able to find her bunny, not getting two biscuits, not wanting her dinner. The list goes on and on. I tried ignoring her, tried shouting at her and in the end it was a combination of ignoring her and giving her lots of cuddles that worked. I found that just picking her up, even if she was kicking me, finally calmed her down. The tantrums are coming less frequent but do know you’ll get through it eventually x
I was also a rocker!! Well to be exact bouncing up and down on my birthing ball with him. I also have a 30 min napper who rarely goes down in his cot for naps. He is 11 months now and we are just starting to get one good hour sleep and one 30mins a day. But I don’t have to bounce anymore. At times it was frustrating but I read a book called the gentle sleep guide and whilst it didn’t give me any tips for sleeping (we were already doing most of what was suggested) it did make me appreciate that he was still a baby who didn’t know better, and made me accept that’s just how he likes to sleep. He started sleeping through the night at 8 months and has been pretty consistent with that since. My boy is 1 in January and the year has been a total blur!! I only took 9 months mat leave but I would totally take 12 months I had my time again x
Elle is one in January too Claire 🙂
And yes, they are babies and they don’t know better or really understand what they ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be doing!! That’s something I kept trying to remind myself too.
Enjoy your Christmas and Happy Birthday for Jan for your little boy x
I agree that they don’t self soothe when tiny! My little man is 3months old and we just go to him when he cries – he’s only telling us he wants something after all. He doesn’t have any trouble sleeping – only wakes once in the night for a feed. (Although we’ll never know if that’s because we go to him or because he’s just a good sleeper!) We bought him a ‘Ewan the dream sheep’ as an early Christmas present. Amazing! He drifts off in a few minutes with Ewan playing. Christmas is the first time he’s slept away from home so we’ll see how good he is… X
I’ve generally found Elle sleeps well when away from home Kerri as she’s so tired from the new faces and experiences, so finger crossed for you!
Ewan the Dream Sheep seems to be really good, I’ve heard lots of parents singing his praise.
Have a lovely Christmas x
Oh gosh I’m an emotional wreck. My little boy turns one on 27th December, just thinking about it makes me cry! Where has this first year gone?! The fastest year of my life. It’s nice to hear that everyone has things they would have done differently, for me I think I would have turned constant visitors away in the first few days, after a hideously traumatic birth I ended up having a very rushed emergency c section, after it I was exhausted and looking back I really don’t think I bonded with my baby for a good few weeks and I don’t have any photos of the two of us together until he was about a week old. I regret that. He’s my life now though, we have such a close bond. I’m lucky to be able to spend all of my time with him and as he is growing up into a cheeky, confident little toddler we have so much fun together. I still can’t help mourn the end of the baby stage though. So this first Christmas and first birthday is kind of bitter sweet. Does anyone else feel like that? My husband says I need to snap out of it! He’s probably right!
Don’t worry Georgina, I am too. Did you read my post about my experience of bonding with Elle (it’s called The Baby Blues here on RMF if you want to read it), we struggled too and I have massive holes in the year that I can’t remember 🙁 so I’m definitely with you on the bittersweet thing.
I would have also kept visitors away for much longer. My family came down and I was completely overwhelmed. One night my Mum even moaned that there weren’t any tomatoes in a salad I’d thrown together and I literally wanted to kill her. Matt and I still joke about it now!
Have a lovely Christmas x
My little girl is one in January too, and no other year of my life has ever gone so quickly! It’s so true that you don’t remember much about when they’re so little. When I see a newborn now, I can hardly believe that Zoe was ever that size! I still rock her to sleep and though it can be frustrating when I have a million things to do I try to remind myself to treasure it because it goes by so fast. My mum always used to say it was like the blink of an eye, and she was so right! I think you only really understand that when you have your own kids. Time just accelerates!
I rock or cuddle Elle to sleep most nights too Tracy, those moments are so special.
Definitely the fastest year of my life too!
Happy Birthday to Zoe for January x
What a welcome read! We’re still rocking our 10 month old to sleep and for the first 7 months he would only sleep for longer than 20 mins during the day if he was being held or slinged. I wish now that I’d made my peace with this earlier as I was also guilty of frantically googling nap patterns and wondering what we were doing wrong.
Determined to relax and enjoy last couple of weeks of mat leave with my gorgeous boy.
After my son was born I very quickly learnt not to compare. Friends, ‘friends’ and family were often all too willing to share comparisons and opinions. Comparisons are never helpful. (And I completely agree that you often find they’re fibs!) You truly do know best. And if you don’t feel as though you do, take some time to work it out. Stay home, say no to an invitation, take your own time and politely ignore the comparisons, stories and opinions. When my daughter was born (she will also be one in January) I had learnt my lesson and was much more relaxed and ready to ignore – even the comparisons with her own big brother! Keep cuddling, feeding to sleep, rocking, wearing, carrying, staying at home, working, breast feeding, bottle feeding, using a dummy, co-sleeping, crying it out, self settling… whatever gets you by and keeps everyone happy. You’re not spoiling them, just attending to their needs. Some just seem to need you most in the middle of the night!
My little boy is only 5 months, but I would def agree on the turning away visitors for much longer, we said no except parents until week 2 but I would have liked longer just the three of us. I also would relax more about sleep. He still wakes several times a night, and yes I’m tired, but he’s a baby. He’s lovely, happy and healthy and so if he needs a feed or a cuddle in the middle of the night then who am I to complain? I know in a few years time I will be dying for a cuddle from him.
These have been great to read. I rock our 4 month lady baby to sleep and I keep thinking that I need to stop, it’s bad etc. but reading all of these has given me the confidence to just go with the flow and to
not get worked up about it all!
I have to say having this blog during the first year of my first baby would have been amazing! Honestly you have started such a great community and I’ve really enjoyed reading all of the wide ranging blog posts from RMF. I think the hardest thing about being a parent is the constant questioning and doubt of your decisions so having somewhere people share their different experiences is really reassuring, thank you to everyone involved.
Having had my second baby only 18 months later I had very fresh memories of what I wanted to do differently which was mainly to be more relaxed. I let my little girl co sleep for the first three months, sleep in the ergo carrier so I could have my hands free for my little boy and didn’t stress about a routine. As a result she’s always been a great sleeper who naps in her own cot and sleeps well at night- unlike the older brother. Like you say it might just be luck of the draw but I can’t help but think being more relaxed during the early months helped in the longer run.
I wondered if perhaps you might consider doing some sort of post on age gaps in the future is its something I’m quite fascinated by, perhaps because of all of the pitying looks I’ve had over the past 8 months for having two under two!
Wishing you all a very Happy Christmas!xxx
Would love a post on age gaps as it’s something we are very much debating st the moment and our son is only 5 months so i have a feeling (if we are lucky to conceive a second quickly) we will be like you Ella!
So pleased you are loving the blog Ella and completely agree that being relaxed is the way forward. Age gaps is definitely a great topic so we will pop it on the list. Mine are 19 months apart but I will say it was a bit tricky to start with but now they are great friends (ok it took 2 years but hey!). Have a wonderful Christmas xxx
I wish that I hadn’t questioned myself so much in the early months. When I look back now I’m really happy with the parenting decisions we made, I just wish I’d had confidence in them at the time!
My little boy wasn’t a good sleeper, and when he did sleep it was only when he was within touching distance of me, so I’m glad we made the decision to stop trying to force the Moses basket, which he clearly hated, and co-sleep! We ended up loving it! He’s 17 months now and I cuddle him to sleep every night before moving him into his cot. When he wakes, usually somewhere between 3-5am, he swaps into our bed and falls back to sleep until morning.
I also wish I’d discovered slings sooner! This would have helped to alleviate the guilt that I was doing nothing all day but cuddling on the sofa!! But looking back, I am totally glad that I chose to leave the housework and enjoy cuddles instead!! I ended up buying a rose and rebellion when he was about 3 months old which finally meant that I had apple pie excuse not to get on with the cleaning ?
*apple pie should say ‘no’….my husband thinks it’s funny to change the autocorrect on my phone ?