We know from feedback that you lovely lot have given us recently that you’re particularly keen on reading about more personal experiences here on Rock My Family. Whether that’s sharing pregnancy diaries, chronicling the adventures of our own offspring or publishing guest posts from experts or members of our community, we’re on the case to provide you with more of this type of content. One topic that kept popping up was the subject of dads…more specifically hearing from dads and providing relevant posts that you could forward onto the men in your life to read.
With this in mind I asked my husband Ste if he fancied sharing his own feelings and experiences about becoming a dad himself to which I’m pleased to say he said yes. So today’s post comes from him…I hope you’ll enjoy reading it.
Ste
When Lol asked me if I wanted to write a post for Rock My Family, my initial thoughts were ‘yeah sure, love to!‘ but then as I’ve sat down and put pen to paper, those thoughts have turned into a sense of dread and a feeling of vulnerability too. I have very little time as it is and how on earth do you cram an incredible three years into one post. Where do I start? Should it be funny? Or informative? A list of my favourite memories or those things I would change if I had the chance to go back in time? In fact I still don’t really know, as I sit here and write with a cup of tea and a biscuit by my side, which direction this article is going to take.
But what I will start with is WOW! Women are incredible. My wife is incredible. This whole experience has been a thousand incredible moments layered on top of one another. When Lol first told me she was pregnant I felt like I’d sucked up all the air in the room into my chest and I couldn’t let it out. I was happy, shocked, scared. In the space of two minutes I’d probably experienced every emotion known to man until Lol said ‘well say something then!‘. We were in Dublin when we found out, celebrating Lol’s 30th birthday, so this gave us time to talk about our next steps together, and of course about the house which we were renovating, without being interrupted.
The next few months are still quite blurry to me. After finally breathing out, it was a mixture of telling family and friends, scans, seeing doctors, shopping for prams (don’t get me started on the cost of those contraptions!) and everything else that goes on in those months leading up to the birth of a baby. Looking back I don’t really remember being that present in myself and allowing myself to fully experience those nine months for myself and with my wife. A combination of running my own business, doing up the house, feeling out of control and trying to come to terms with the fact I was going to actually be a dad meant that I…like all good men do…had a bit of a blowout about three months before Hector was born.
It was my 30th birthday and I got ridiculously drunk (I apologise to everyone who witnessed it!) but I know that this was me ‘acting out’ because in truth I was scared. I knew having a child would change me, would change my life and there were things set in motion that I could do nothing about. After this blowout, I started to think that I both wanted and needed to be as prepared as I could about the birth of my baby. So I did….nothing.
I worked harder, took up golf, spent more time at the house, less time with my wife. Yes I was there for the scans and appointments, carried the heavy bags and helped pick things for the nursery but I was useless really. At the time I thought I was doing everything I needed to do to support her but in reality she was on her own with it all. Because we were living with her parents (whilst our house was undergoing renovation), I felt that she had her support network in place and that me staying out of the way (not consciously) was ok. It wasn’t…not just for Lol but either for me too.
Attending NCT classes helped me a lot more than I thought it would. I’d read a lot about labour and signs to look out for with regards to Post Natal Depression and all the different breastfeeding positions but it was NCT that taught me that I had a role to play during the labour. I wasn’t going to be a spectator, I was in this too and Lol wasn’t going to be on her own any more.
Hector arrived slightly earlier than expected – nine days in fact – and like a fool I hadn’t even contemplated the possibility that this would happen. First time babies are always late aren’t they? Wrong! I’ve always rated myself as being pretty good in an emergency situation but when Lol’s waters broke (coincidentally when I was out of the house sorting out some paperwork for my business) it was a whole different issue entirely. I don’t know how it is for most blokes but for me in that situation the feeling of terror and helplessness was a slap in the face.
The hour and a half that Lol was in labour felt like an eternity so I take my hat off to those of you whose own experiences of childbirth have been longer. I applaud you in fact; I honestly don’t know how you did it. As I mentioned earlier I wanted to be as present as I could possibly be and my god what I witnessed was the most beautiful, incredible, life-changing moment of my entire 32 years on this planet. To watch my wife do what she did made me so so proud.
But for me this is also where my struggle began. The first few hours, days even, were hectic. Tests on Hector, checks on Lol, the lack of sleep, emotions running high, visitors, family, friends, doctors, nurses…I felt completely out of it. I know, how selfish!! Friends and family wanting to hold my beautiful boy and all I could think about was hang on…he’s mine. The realisation that I couldn’t put myself first any more, there is someone else more important than me and my own needs scared the crap out of me.
So what did I do? Looking back I completely shut down. On the face of things I kept up a good front to my family and friends but inside was a struggle. I don’t think I had the chance to develop a bond with Hector when Lolly was pregnant because the day to day just got in the way. Lolly is tough, extremely tough, but having a baby changes things. It makes you second guess yourself, every decision you make, you scrutinise. If you’re wrong, you punish yourself, if you’re right you think you’ve just got lucky. I felt like I couldn’t really connect, I loved this boy with every ounce of my being but something was going on inside of me that at the time I didn’t realise so I had no way of understanding it.
All these emotions get mixed up, chuck in some tiredness and that’s enough to confuse the best of us. But it was a battle I felt I had to fight on my own; Lolly had a more important task with looking after Hector and putting all of her efforts into him. This is something as a bloke you (wrongly) think you’re not supposed to feel…you’re not supposed to feel a bit down, confused, shell-shocked when you’ve just had a baby. You’re supposed to be out joyously wetting the baby’s head and celebrating. I knew I wasn’t the main man in Lol’s life any more and it was a difficult fact to swallow.
I don’t think I realised any of this until Hector was about twelve months old at which point I started processing it. I’m not good at talking about my feelings…not these types of feelings anyway. But writing this post today has helped more than I thought, getting things down on paper so to speak has been cathartic. I was talking to a friend recently about writing this post and he told me that when he had his own children, he had a little book that he wrote his experiences in so that he wouldn’t forget any of it. And still to this day he reads it and it takes him immediately back to those days. I think this is a brilliant way of helping you be in the moment, of stopping you being worried about forgetting everything.
Just writing this has brought back those precious moments of the early hours of Hector’s life, as I held him in my arms as Lolly slept. You can’t put a price on these amazing memories. Luckily Lolly writes a lot about Hector, takes millions of photos and hashtags everything (our next child is going to be called Hashtag at this rate!) so Hector’s life is well documented but then it’s all from his mum’s perspective. I wish I had jotted down more of my own thoughts and feelings and taken a few more photos but I didn’t…I can only change this going forward.
But if you’re a soon to be, new father or even an old pro dad reading this, you’d be wise to get yourself a little notepad for the old cliches are true. They do grow up too fast, the best moments are now, and they do walk and talk before you know it. And mums and grandmas… don’t be too harsh on the new dads when the little one comes along…they could be struggling too.
A very open account of being a first time Dad. I’m sure others dads will be greatful for such an honest read.
Thanks Louise! Ste is at work currently but I know that he’ll really appreciate the kind thoughts xx
What a wonderful post this has brought tears to my eyes!
Oh Anna – I don’t think he wanted to make anyone cry…I’m glad you liked it though!
So good to read another honest account that’s not all hearts and flowers. Keep it up RMF, we love the gritty reality!
Thanks Philippa – lots more gritty reality coming your way very soon!
Thank you so much for sharing this. As we get ready to hopefully start our family, its reminded me that I’m very selfishly predominately thinking about me (How will I find pregnancy? How will my career be affected? How will I know what to do? How will I actually give birth?!) – it’s a timely reminder that I need to remember we’re a ‘we’ not a ‘me’ or ‘I’. Thanks very much. xx
You know what Sian, if the one thing I’ve learnt since Hector was born (apart from trusting your gut) is that teamwork is absolutely vital. If you pull together in the same direction and honestly talk about everything then you won’t go far wrong. As Ste said in the post there were times when we both felt very on our own with it all and I put that down to the lack of communication. Ste didn’t tell me how he was feeling (although I knew what was going on!) and so he struggled with all these emotions that he thought he wasn’t allowed to experience. I only wished he’d opened up earlier on as it would have taken the weight off his shoulders. If talking about our experience can help others then it’s all worth it xx
Thankyou Ste for such a honest, heartfelt and practical post and thank you Lauren for asking him. I’ll definitely be showing it to hubby later.
Pleasure Cassia! Hope your husband finds it valuable xx
Best thing I think I’ve ever read on any of the RM blogs. Heartfelt and non sugar coated. Managed to hit the note of ‘this is how I wish I’d been’. More of the same simple honesty please without all the ‘woe how terrible my life is’ Jazz.
Amazing post Ste! Dads need support, compassion, love and understanding too. Its overwhelming for both parents and neither should feel like their job is harder / less important than the other. Its a partnership all the way! Thanks for sharing.
A lovely heartfelt post which I’ll be passing onto my husband to read. Thank you for being honest.
Glad you liked it Sarah, I hope your husband finds it useful too xxx
Brilliant post Ste, thanks for sharing. I’m sure you know this, but I think Mum’s hear it much more often than Dad’s do… don’t be too hard in yourself, you’re doing brilliantly ❤
Lolly, Ste seems to have the same knack as you do to make me cry! xx
Oh bless you sweet pea. Sending you virtual hugs and tissues xxx
Surely Hector is going to grow up to be a writer, with a mum and dad that write as beautifully as this xx
Honestly that’s such a lovely thing to say Mrs D! We’re very flattered! I really hope he does grow up with a love of the written language…he adores books so it could turn out that way xx
Stevo you are a legend in many ways! and now a beautiful writer too! I am so with you on all these points…. as a new dad of a 1 year old I can totally agree that it is a very unique experience in that it can be traumatic AND life affirming experience all at once! some days its a breeze and some days overwhelming… but always always worth living… Now, lets start that dads/toddler work out club!
Pete
x
Ste, what a lovely and honest post. I think my husband would admit (if he talked about such things) to similar feelings of being lost and somewhat neglected when our little boy came along and I think it was difficult for them to bond when I was breastfeeding and taking on a lot myself in the early days. I’ve certainly witnessed a change in their relationship the older he has become and a closeness I treasure to watch. Posts like this and more discussion around new dads and their feelings I think would help them realise it’s normal to feel a little ‘out of it’ and talking about it is important. x
Ah, this is beautiful. I remember when Juliet was 10 days old and I’d only been out of hospital for three days my husband went out to see his friends and came back quite drunk and later than he said he would. And I went nuts! We’d had a very tough time in hospital and a cluster feeding new born was hard work. I remember he said to me, whilst I shouted at him on his arrival back home, that he needed to blow off some steam. At the time I was outraged and have been for almost two years until I read this post.. I just assumed I was the only one struggling with the arrival of the child and this has made me see those early days differently. Thanks for sharing.
What a fantastic post! One of the best pieces I have ever read on RMF, and a much needed male perspective on parenthood. Ste, you write beautifully and your honesty is incredibly touching. It must run in the family as I adore Lolly’s writing too. Hector is a lucky boy to have parents like you both. Please keep writing and we’ll all keep reading. X
I hope Ste realises that he certainly isn’t alone in having experienced these emotions. Our baby girl is 16 weeks tomorrow and my husband openly admits that he felt totally overwhelmed for the first few weeks. As we women are the ones who carry the baby I think we mentally prepare for the arrival (still a shock), I’m not sure that my husband had actually given much thought to what it would be like after the baby arrived. He was in a bit of a daze for about 3 weeks lol.
I can really empathize with Ste here, it’s very blokey just to get on with things and not speak up or speak about how your feeling, I know it sounds weird but it’s nice to read that someone went through some of the same experiences I did, it was a really good and honest read, thanks for sharing Ste
My dad once told me that when I was a few weeks old, he asked my mum who she would save if the house was burning down – and when she said me, he stormed off in a huff!!
I’ve been so focussed on my pregnancy, coming to terms with how I’m going to cope, that I don’t think I have spent nearly enough time thinking about my husband. He seems such a natural, so calm and collected, I just can’t see him struggling at all with parenthood! But perhaps I need to stop and think a bit more – and agree with all the comments above about this being a team sport!
An excellent honest post and one which I am sure plenty of people can relate to, thanks for sharing
I met ste at work and we went from conversing about bullnosed edgings to babies.. (i know…mad right!) and he gave me good advice and even cleared a few things up i couldn’t talk to people I knew. He told me about his post on rock my family page and it makes a good read.. and a good potential incite for things I should look out for as well as what I could be experiencing.
Great read!