Sometimes life doesn’t work out how we thought it would. Those hopes and dreams we had don’t materialise and we are left reconsidering everything we thought we knew. This is never more apparent than when trying for a baby. It can be a tough time, one full of emotion and longing. Today we are sharing the story of one couple’s struggle with infertility and the resulting decision to adopt. There is so much to share that we are splitting the post in to two parts with the adoption process being covered next week. In order to protect the couple’s identity during the adoption process the comments will be responded to anonymously. Please head back next week to find out all about the adoption process.

Around three months before I got married, I stopped taking the Pill. It was exciting. That secret buzz that perhaps we’d get ‘caught out’ right away; that I’d have to hide a little bump under my wedding dress. We giggled together at the step we’d taken and the prospect of what lay ahead as we planned our future.



Nothing happened. Our perfect wedding came and went, the fairytale had begun. There was plenty of time to start a family and so much to do before it happened.



Time went by and like many women, I started learning more about my body. I learned about ovulation and when the best times to ‘try’ were… that was good to know, more fun to be had.



The longer it went, the more I dreamed of the scenario where I’d see the blue line and how I’d share the good news with my husband. Still, nothing happened.



One by one, my friends and sisters would make their announcements and I would hear the chorus of ‘you next!’, they helpfully shared their tips; ovulation sticks, books to read, apps to download, diets, lucky charms, even down to positive affirmation and invoking the angels. Madness.



Still, nothing happened. 



I became the woman I was always sure I wouldn’t become: second guessing my body; obsessing over forums and apps; peeing onto a stick to see if I was ovulating; peeing onto a stick to see if I was pregnant; checking things I never thought I’d have to check!! Sex on demand was on the cards, and believe me, there is nothing less desirable in the world to a man than his frantic wife waving an ovulation stick. The fun went and the arguments began. I was a woman possessed, I was anxious and selfish… for that, I apologise to my loving husband. 



Yet through of all this, nothing happened. 



Every month I would be so sure, it was my time. I would hold my tummy and wish, I’d look for symptoms that weren’t there and I would stockpile pregnancy tests, you know, just to check. The hope was the hardest part to deal with; I would build myself up every time and hope, that things had changed, that I would see those magical lines one day. But each month I would feel those tell-tale pains, and I broke down in secret, each and every time.



It was when we moved to a new area and a new GP that our situation suddenly changed. When having my initial medical, the doctor asked about family and I admitted that we had been trying to conceive for almost two years. She suggested I go for some blood tests and referred me to the local Women’s Hospital.



At this point, we had made no decisions or discussed what we would do if there was something wrong. We were trying to keep level heads, we would double check to see if everything was working okay and that would be that, it was surely just a matter of time. 



In reality, the wheels had been set in motion on a journey that changed me forever; a ride I couldn’t get off no matter how scary it became. 



My husband and I became regulars at the Women’s Hospital. Blood tests, poking, prodding, questioning, and each time, I would park the car and walk into that building; past the beautiful bumps, excited families with balloons, past the happy couples with their newborns, past the pregnant women who smoked at the door. It’s horrible to say, but on my toughest days, I resented each and every one of them. I would keep my eyes to the floor while I climbed the stairs to the fertility clinic, asking myself what we had done to deserve this. This wasn’t how our story was supposed to go.



After the first round of tests, we were told that there were problems for us both. It was unlikely that we would be able to conceive naturally, but IVF was an option. I would need more and more blood tests and they’d take it from there. 



This went on for six months. At no point were we asked how we felt about IVF, it seemed to be a given that they would proceed down this road when they’d exhausted whatever further investigations they had lined up for us. 



We talked and talked (and argued) throughout this time, without ever quite getting to the heart of it. It didn’t seem right, but while we were both scared to admit it to the other, IVF was not for us. How do you tell your other half that? That the thing that everyone says you ‘must’ do, is the thing you are dreading most in the world.



It was only when we took ourselves away from ‘real life’ that we gave ourselves the space we needed to fully comprehend what was happening. We were on a spa break, away from the day to day stress and we truly took the time, focussed on us and talked. We felt lucky that there wasn’t just one of us shouldering the burden, knowing that there were medical reasons for us both why we couldn’t conceive gave us a huge amount of comfort. We were in this together and in a way, it was because of this, that we felt somehow we were being told that we should take a different path. 



We spoke about IVF, the impact it would have on me physically and both of us emotionally and – let’s be realistic here – financially. For the first time, we realised that neither of us wanted IVF, we talked about adoption and the more we did, the more we felt it was the right thing to do. 



I realised, that my overwhelming desire to be a Mum is just that. It’s not to be pregnant – as much as that is a beautiful gift, and one I can now say will never happen to me – I want to be a Mum, and for my husband to be the amazing Dad that I know he will be. Giving birth is not the important thing, it’s the amount of love we have to give. 



Eventually, I returned for my last set of blood test results. We were so used to it by then, that I went alone. Probably not the best thing to do in hindsight. It was at this appointment that the Doctor sat me down and told me that unfortunately, my hormone levels were below the threshold that the NHS deem viable for IVF. Our situation meant that we would require the more complex ICSI treatment, and that the chances of conceiving were so low, the NHS were unwilling to fund it. She very quickly told me that we could go private, so I told her we were seriously considering adoption instead, and she had helped to make that choice a lot easier. 



Her response will stay with me for the rest of my life. She cocked her head to one side and with a pitiful sad smile said “yes, or a lot of people get a dog”. I walked out and never looked back. 



I left that appointment and went straight to my husband; resolute in our decision that we would become a family on our own terms. We were going to adopt. 

This wasn’t a step we were going to take lightly and we needed time to grieve. I can look back now and admit that I needed to say some tough goodbyes; the list of children’s names I’d made, the dreams of a positive pregnancy test, the excitement of a scan, seeing baby’s first smile or my husband’s eyes in a little face. We truly grieved for the babies who never lived, for our Mums and Dads who shared our dreams and for each other, as the life we thought we would have fell apart around us. It still makes us sad, I’m sure it always will, but it’s a comfort to have been able to come to terms with that grief.



Anyone who has been through the adoption process knows that you simply cannot make that first step until you have truly worked through those feelings. You need to be 100% committed to it and ready to face the difficult times ahead, as every part of your life is assessed. So, we gave ourselves time and when were ready, we waited a little longer, then went for it!