As you read this Hector is about two weeks away from reaching his 18 month milestone. It occurred to me, in one of those Hollywood lightbulb moments, as I watched him play in the bath last night, all gangly legs and toothy grin that my baby wasn’t really a baby any longer.
If I’m being really honest I got a bit teary. Time flies doesn’t it and before I’ve blinked I know he’ll be sitting at the kitchen table with his mates having just finished his A-Levels and planning his gap year adventures. I know, I know, talk about premature empty nest syndrome! It did make me pause though and stop and contemplate my own journey since becoming a mum nearly 18 months ago. I’ve learnt so much; about myself, my limits, about my relationships with those around me but most of all about being a mum and what that actually means.
I’ve tried to jot down the top five things I’ve learnt since becoming a mum but the list is by no means exhaustive and I keep mentally adding to it every single day. Perhaps you’d like to share your own ‘mum lessons’ too; we’d love to hear all about them.
1. How Selfish I Was With My Time
I remember an old line manager saying to me back in the days before I joined the Rock My Wedding team that I didn’t realise (and wouldn’t until I became a mum) how selfish I was with my time. It wasn’t a personal reflection on me, he told me, but an observation he had made about people in general since becoming a dad. I can remember feeling incredibly patronised and a bit put out too… after all I worked hard and did my bit for charity too. What did he know?
Apparently quite a lot.
I learnt this lesson during the first week after giving birth to Hector in a manner somewhat resembling a sharp slap to the face with a wet fish. It was brutal. Forget nonchalant city breaks away with Ste, I’m talking about the luxury of being able to go to the toilet in peace or to get out the house without detailed military precision planning taking place first. Oh to be spontaneous again and have the luxury of time….Part of me wonders if I’ll ever get to be selfish with it again…
2. How Much It’s Possible To Love Someone
Being a parent is a bit like ripping out your heart from your chest and strapping it to the outside of your body whilst hundreds of teeny tiny arrows are fired at you left, right and centre as you walk through fire. To say you’re vulnerable would be an understatement but somehow at the same time you’re like this empowered invincible superhero powered by your love for your tiny human beings. You’ve given birth! Hell you can do ANYTHING.
I’m super close to my family and I love Ste deeply but nothing prepared me for how I feel about Hector. I can’t even begin to try to put it in words so I won’t but I can honestly say I didn’t know that it was possible to feel this way.
3. That Even When You Think You Have Nothing Left You Keep Going
I’ve completed some fairly knackering DofE walks back in the day, I’ve given pretty much everything I’ve got to some very nasty Crossfit workouts (Fight Gone Bad anyone?!) and I’ve done my fair share of overnighters for university and work deadlines but nothing compares to being a mum to a newborn. For me at least anyway.
Battling with breastfeeding traumas on very little sleep whilst bucketloads of hormones pumped through my body whilst expressing and worrying about my new baby boy and his jaundice and tongue tie and weight loss really tested me. But just when I thought I couldn’t carry on, from somewhere I found that crucial bit of reserve (a bit like that piece of Kendall’s Mint Cake in your rucksack).
I can remember Ste saying to me in the early days that he just didn’t know how I did it. And all I could say was that I carried on because I needed to. Because at the end of the day I would have done anything to make sure that Hector was thriving and that’s pretty much all we mamas can do isn’t it. Just keep going.
4. That There Is Such A Thing As Mother’s Intuition
Trust your gut. I’d like to think I was the kind of girl that went with what felt right even before having Hector but as sure as eggs is eggs a mum’s intuition takes things to a whole new level.
You just know don’t you when something is brewing before it even gets going, or something doesn’t feel right or actually what your baby/toddler/child really needs when they’re not quite themselves. Take this weekend just gone for example. Hector hadn’t been himself all day despite protestations from the rest of the family said I was fretting too much and that he was fine. Fast forward a few hours and he’d been diagnosed with Balinitis… turns out I’d known something was up all along. Mother’s Intuition is actually a thing… so much so that I’ve capitalised it for the purpose of this post.
5. How Much My Mum Actually Did (And STILL Does) For Me
It wasn’t until I gave birth to Hector that I truly realised how much my mum has done and continues to do for me. In fact I think it’s fair to say that I probably still haven’t got to grips with the extent of what she’s given to me over the years to me and to my sisters and probably won’t fully understand this until I’m a lot further on in my parenting journey. To say she is selfless and loving and kind is an understatement and I’m mortified that I haven’t realised this sooner. That said I also know from my own experiences that I want no thanks or grand gestures because being able to be a mum to Hector is all the rewards I would ever hope to get. It doesn’t stop me from being eternally grateful for everything she’s ever done and does do for me however. I make sure I tell her all the time too…
What lessons have you learnt since becoming a mum? What’s been your top mum moment so far? Why not tell us all about it in the comments box below…
Image by Anton Rodriguez
“To say she is selfless and loving and kind is an understatement and I’m mortified that I haven’t realised this sooner.”
Lolly, you summed it all up. And I feel mortified that I’ve not realised this in my own Mum and also friends of mine who became mothers before me.
I also remember eye rolling at the amount of people who told me “Life will never be the same again” or “Enjoy every minute of them while they’re young”… And now feeling like I could say the same thing to the next Mum to be and they just won’t *get it* until they’ve reached the stage I’m at.
Also, my Mum always says “Along with every child… worry and guilt is born.” Afraid she was right with that one too.
Oh the beauty of hindsight! I think it’s just one of those things that you can never truly and fully appreciate what you’ve got/where you’re at until you’ve passed that stage or have experienced it for yourself. My mum always says ‘you can’t tell someone what they don’t already know for themselves’ and it’s true. I definitely agree with your mum on the worry and guilt thing too – I don’t think it will ever go away will it?
You’re so right about not realising it in other friends who became mums before me – I’m not an ogre, but certainly look back and wish i’d known how to support them more and offer more help! Mortifying indeed.
I now can’t wait for all my besties to give birth so I can redeem myself somewhat! Xx
Your second comment – the love – yes yes yes ?
It’s all about the love isn’t it Victoria xx
I clicked on this post with trepidation as there are so many “you won’t know this till you’re a Mum” posts which make me wonder if the author has been wandering around with their eyes shut prior to giving birth. They come across as condescending and short sighted. Babies wake in the night???!!!!! REVELATION!!!!
But my initial reservations made your observations here doubly resonant. Nothing about becoming a parent is a massive shock, but as you’ve written here, everything you thought you knew/appreciated/were capable of becomes heightened to a level you just couldn’t even contemplate prior to The Baby.
I was pretty self aware before Fern, trusted my instincts and felt capable no matter what life threw at me, but I hadn’t realised just how much I could endure, like a rope bridge over a deathly crevasse freyed down to its last fibre, you somehow manage to hold secure and ensure safe passage for whatever is weighing in at that moment.
And on a lighter note, I never anticipated how fulfilling I’d find Mumming Around (yes caps – it’s a thing) all day most days after 12 years of being a professional. Where do the days go? Who knows? Who cares?!
I know exactly what you mean about those types of posts Philippa so I’m chuffed that my piece this morning resonated with you. As you say it’s that sense of endurance (love your metaphor by the way – SPOT ON!) that you always knew you had but just didn’t know how far it stretched that surprises us. And Mumming Around is totally a thing 😉
Love this post! To all of these, yes. Especially number two, number three and number five! We’ve just had three weeks of horrendously disturbed nights and grumpy days due to teething followed by a tummy bug. Arthur (6.5 months) was just beside himself over night and it was the worst it’s been since the newborn days. But even though you’re tearful and exhausted, you just keep going, and I never thought I would have that in me. When that first little tooth poked through I cried happy proud tears and hugged my little boy so tight! And you wouldn’t have it any other way! And who was messaging me at 5am when I was in tears? My Mum. What a woman! X
Oh Sian you’ve all been through the wars haven’t you! Three weeks of disturbed sleep is no good for anyone so I’m chuffed to pieces that Arthur’s teeth have started to break through and that your mum has been by your side throughout. Hopefully you’ll have some more sleep over the next few days xxx
I’ve learnt not to google Balinitis at work!! Some very questionable pictures – hope IT aren’t monitoring me!!
The mothers intuition – since having my son it’s the only advice I’ve given to expectant mothers – trust your instincts. When my boy was poorly, projectile vomiting at 3 weeks old covered in a red rash we were sent to hospital to be told it was eczema by the first Dr we saw, but I just knew in my heart he was allergic to the formula I’d had to give him due to various issues with breastfeeding and so I stuck to my guns and by the time the 5th Dr came and saw him, he agreed and did a blood test and low and behold, it was a milk allergy.
I also never knew how many types of guilt you could feel!
I’ve tried to stay away from all the comments that caused the eye rolling and annoyance as a pregnant person as you described and now I just say ‘it’s completely mental, but totally brilliant’ instead. I think that sums it up.
Oooops sorry Claire! Actually I’m crying with laughter and you’ve made my morning. Yes most kids get chest infections….not so with mine 😉
Good for you for sticking with your guns on the intuition thing – is your little ok now? I’ve heard that they can grow out of it? And your description of being a parent is very accurate – I completely agree xx
Poor Hector, I hope it gets better soon!
We have been trying the ’12 steps to milk’ ladder since he turned one, so he can now tolerate cooked milk in things like biscuits, cakes, scotch pancakes and shepherds pie (lucky Patrick that most of these are sweet treats and you have to give him them everyday!), but we’ve hit a stumbling block with step 7, pizza. We have to wait 6 months before trying that again. I thought it would be really difficult weaning without milk, but actually it was much easier than I thought. And because his prescription formula tastes so disgusting, he doesn’t turn his nose up at many foods!
There’s a silver lining in every cloud. Hopefully he won’t react so badly to Pizza next time 🙂
Wonderful post, all so true and beautifully worded. I never really understood people who spoke about raising children as an achievement, but I understand whole-heartedly now and am so proud to be a mummy!
For me, it was number five which hit me most and as Mother’s Day fell a few short weeks after giving birth last year, it was an emotional day sandwiched between my lovely mum and my lovely daughter!
I, too eye rolled at those people who patronised me with comments when I was pregnant and still cringe when people start sentences with ‘Just you wait until…’ – now I want to run after them and tell them they were right all along! I still refrain from saying things like that myself though – you can’t really explain it without using cliches and I’d much prefer to just let them enjoy this moment and find out the fun ahead for themselves! X
Do you know what Stephie, I’m proud to be a mummy too. I think we all should be. I try my very hardest to refrain from using the cliche remarks but they do slip out from time to time; I hope I haven’t annoyed anyone too much. All I can do is just hope they forgive me when they reach that point in their own mama journey. Letting them find out the fun ahead is a very good approach though – one I’ll be taking more in the future!
This post strikes so many chords! The love is overwhelming, plus I also feel so guilty that I didn’t appreciate my mum more, she raised my Brother and me pretty much single handidly from my brother being 2. And there were only 13 months between us. Sometimes I feel so frazzled looking after Edie then wonder how I would cope with a 5 month old as well?! But you would, because like you say you have to! I never knew I was so resilient! But fear… That’s the thing that shocked me most, the world is such a dangerous place, everything is a hazard… Particularly now Edie has decided she is going to be a mountaineer….. *googles bungalows for sale* xx
All very true.. The thing about not appreciating your mum plagues me all the time! Whenever she annoys me nowadays – which can be often – I really try and remember all the nights she must have been up with me all those years ago!
I also never realised just how sticky snot was and or how much of a saga it is to catch the lift in John Lewis before I had a child either!
Haha, having to get the lift all the time is a real revelation! Those people who get the lift when they’re perfectly capable of taking the stairs…. New found mum-rage ?
Of all the articles on all the blogs, this is the very best I’ve read. Every point is so true. Motherhood is a crazy ride but it’s made me a happier and tougher person, and I appreciate my amazing mum so much more.
Wow Lauren, I couldn’t agree more with ALL of your things. I’m reminded every day of how much I’ve changed as a person when I recognise my former self in my sister who is 35, in the start of a new relationship without any children. And I comment most days to my mam about how selfish I sometimes find her. She infuriates me at times, when she pops to see me at 7pm and burst through the door like a bull in a china shop, slamming it behind her and talking all loud and hype my Son up before bed. Sometimes he’s already in bed and I’m reading bedtime story when she arrives putting all the hall lights on and wakes his half mast eyes up again. If she had any idea what it was like trying to settle a child to sleep for only 1 night she would soon change her ways I’m sure! Sometimes I think to myself ‘my god girl… You wait til you have kids’ then I remember that I was that girl once over. Like the fact I had no idea my best friend had been pumping and freezing milk for weeks on end just so she could come to my hen weekend, worrying the entire time if her Son was actually taking the bottle in her absence, having to pump and dump whilst she was away from him. God… How clueless and selfish I really was!!
The mother thing is insanely true too! My mother gave up her career to raise me and my sister and everything else she sacrificed to raise us makes me incredibly sad to think back to my teen years when I was probably quite ungrateful in return!! Thank god those days pass!!!
Thought I’d add a couple more that I have to admit, parenthood is quite simply the biggest eye opener!
Never wanting my child to grow up – i didn’t realise how petrified my parents must have been when I would go out for the night with friends at the age of 14, or come home telling them i was being bullied at school. The thought of either things terrify me to the high heavens. I literally want to wrap my boys in cotton wool forever!
Love for your second child – I was genuinely worried that I couldn’t possibly love my second child like I could with my first. When Cooper arrived punctually on Christmas Eve last year it felt like I was bringing an imposter home from the hospital to spend Christmas Day with us, like he didn’t belong in our family. A day or so later once the hormones had gone, I realised just how much I loved this beautiful perfect little boy just like I did with Sonny, my first son. Phew!!!
It all makes sense now – I used to find friends with kids a little lame at times when they would suddenly cancel plans or not take part in fun organised weekends and nights out and use Kids as their excuse. Now, it ALL makes sense! In most cases it’s not because you don’t want to… Usually it’s because your child won’t settle for anyone but you, or won’t take a bottle, or you’ve used up all your babysitting tokens up. Little does anyone else realise that you’re actually desperate for that night out, but you’re not selfish anymore, so it means that despite you loving dancing on the tables at midnight, there’s these little people’s feelings that mean far more to you than that. We’ll get that time back again one day!
Anyway I’m getting carried away here… I could go on and on, but basically ive learnt LOADS, and now instead of giving a parent with a screaming child ‘that look’… I now give a caring half smile, as if to say ‘I understand’. Xx