Me: “How was your day at school boys?”
Boys: “Good thanks”
Me: “What did you do?”
Boys: “Can’t remember.”
Me: “Surely you can remember something?”
Boys (*avoids question totally*) “Can I go on my iPad/computer please”
This conversation is a daily occurrence in our household, and if I say “no lets have a computer free day” they feel like it’s a punishment. Don’t get me wrong there are times when letting them play on their iPads or consoles is a godsend. I can prepare dinner and know that they are occupied and happy, but I do feel like it’s becoming an addiction. The games are designed around daily tasks, gem collecting etc to entice children to come back and if for any reason they miss their deadline it’s the end of the world.
The boys aren’t allowed to play any games or even watch television in the morning before school and again after dinner, so I suppose they have a two hour window when they can play. Is this too much, just right? I honestly don’t know.
The key to keeping our boys off their consoles is definitely keeping them occupied with other things. The glorious weather last weekend meant the boys hardly played their computers at all as we were out enjoying the sun and in the evening after Anabelle had gone to bed we played cards. The Shaw family do love a board game too.
The boys have recently reached an age (Elliott 11 & Joseph 10) where I feel comfortable (I use this term loosely) letting them play out, and I try to encourage them to knock for their friends and enjoy the outdoors more which in turn keeps them off their computers (but my nerves on edge). With the fear of sounding like my parent’s I remember when I was little all I wanted to do was play out, how times have changed!
We’re definitely learning and trying to get the balance right as I don’t want them to feel like they are being punished when I say no, but as long as they are doing their school work they deserve a little down time too right?
I currently do not allow the boys to have any on-line friends other than each other when they play for fear of them chatting to the wrong kind of people over the internet. But internet safety is a whole other Mum worry, and another post!
How often do you allow your children to play on their iPads/consoles/computers? Any tips/advice for limiting their time spent on them as I fear their addiction will escalate the older they get?
Tricky one. Even at 19 months she knows how to operate the iPad to find Pat so I think it’ll get worse. I started off thinking that I would ‘limit’ screen time but I actually find if TV is on she’ll just potter around to background noise with her other toys. When we did limit it on holiday because the battery was dying, it came a big thing she wanted all the time. So I’ve maybe moved into the other camp. I guess it’s a bit like sugar – you want what you can’t have. If you make it into a ‘thing’ then it becomes one?
The other thing is that actually, I think it can be educational. I don’t know about games yet but aside from the Teletubbies and In the Night Garden (TALK PROPERLY FFS) she’s learnt a lot from TV. Taller and bigger have definitely come from the Twirlywoos and she’ll copy Mr Tumble when he signs.
Although one more episode of Peter Rabbit and I might throw myself under the wheels of Mr McGreggor’s wheelbarrow.
My youngest Anabelle (2 1/2) enjoys a bit of TV background noise whilst she plays too Rebecca, I think she enjoys the theme tunes the most. She currently isn’t really interested in the iPad and can take it or leave it.
There are definitely some good educational games out there, but whilst she’s not interested I’m not going to encourage her. xxx
I’m very much like you on this Lorna, no TV/tablets before school unless my little boy (age 5) gets himself ready for school in time, then we might put the TV on but 9 times out 10 I tell him to find something to play with, again after school he can have his tablet OR TV whilst I’m doing housework and sorting tea out, that’s for about an hour then after tea he isn’t allowed back on it. The weekends though are a totally different story. I try to tell him, half an hour on then an hour playing but we try to have things planned to do as a family. I do think they can be very educational as can the TV, Jacob is obsessed with maths. Most of the apps on his tablet are maths or phonics related. Don’t get me wrong he loves to watch kidstube ( like you tube but set out in child friendly categories) but he is mainly watching numberjacks. I’m sure this will change pretty soon though.
The weekends are our biggest worry Kirsty. We try to get out as much as possible as a family, but when you’re tied up with you chores, sometimes before you’ve realised a couple of hours has passed and they haven’t moved. The funniest thing is when you say that’s enough now do something else please, they try to switch to another screen/machine ha! Err I do’t think so… It’s definitely much easier when the weather is nice. The boys both started playing education games that the school had suggested and then progressed to gaming, hopefully Jacob doesn’t stumble across games and sticks to educational apps. xxx
This is definitely a hard one to get right. My stepdaughter started year 8 this year, and we noticed a big change in how much she wanted to use her phone – if it’s not in her hand it’s like the end of the world! My husband won’t let her have Facebook until she’s 13 (or, like, 45 if he has his way), but she is constantly texting and playing games. I do think the more you limit a thing, the more attractive it becomes, but it’s also important to make sure they do things other than stare at a screen all day. Luckily A is very sporty so she spends a lot of time doing that. I think not allowing screentime in the mornings (on weekdays) is definitely a good idea, and we also don’t allow any phones at the dinner table. Surprisingly, she is very in favour of the latter and admonishes daddy if he looks at the football scores during a meal!
We also have a 16 month old who has just become interested in tv, though not the iPad except for to look at photos (of herself mostly – vain!) and pressing the button for Siri. She would still much rather climb on things or find stuff she isn’t allowed to play with. I think I’ll enjoy the peace when she does start to want a bit of screentime, but at such a young age, I’m thinking probably half an hour a day is enough?
This is definitely a ‘first world problems’ post, lol! 🙂
Elliott (11) has only just been given a phone, mainly for when he plays out so I can contact him. He was the last in his class (possibly year) to have one. Luckily he’s not interested in texting or social media sites as again this is a whole other Mum worry and Joseph (10) is still yet to have one even though the majority of his friends have phones. The boys both love their football too, so there are days when we’re at training or playing matches, so it’s not even every day they game. I think I just want to try to nip things in the bud before they escalate. Anabelle (2 1/2) loves to play music on my phone and will happily flick through the song lists until she finds what she likes. No where near ‘first world problems’ Tracy M ha 😉 xxx
This is really well timed! My boys are 7 & 4 (just…Birthdays were March and April) and up until now they have shown no interest in ipads or computers. Don’t get me wrong they love watching TV and if another child in the vicinity has a device they will be right there peering over their shoulders or asking for a turn but at home they don’t even other to ask to use the ipad.
Recently my eldest has mentioned that he is ‘the only one in his class without a games console’ of some sort, I worry that by not having one he will be left out of conversation or be unable to join in when he is at friends houses because he wont know how to play the games…? I don’t want to just cave in though because it’s what everyone else is doing.
With my youngest being only 4 I do think also that if I let the 7 year old have a device then it opens the door on that at a much younger age than I’m comfortable with for my youngest!
In my opinion it’s all about moderation – there are days when all I want to do is curl up on the sofa and watch Netflix all day so why wouldn’t my children be the same? I think that if they are having a good mix of playtime (outdoors or indoors) and enjoying family time without a screen in front of them then it doesn’t matter if they use their down time to zone out in front of a device…I guess I’m just trying to cling on to the years here they want to spend time with me and play in the garden together building dens and making mud pies for as long as possible!!!!
Amy, mine were the same at this age. Everyone in their class seemed to have a DS by reception age and it got to being a bit of an issue by Y2 that they felt left out. I got them a fairly rubbish one off ebay and a couple of games and they hardly ever used them, not much spent, but did mean they could say they had one if they felt left out and did know how to use them. It worked quite well as actually by getting them one they realised they were no big deal and they sat on the shelf untouched while they played outside!
That’s good to know – great idea should it become more of an issue. At the moment I seem to feel the peer/parent pressure more than he does! x
Definitely cling onto those days as long as you can Amy, as they can’t miss what they don’t have. In hindsight I wish I’d prolonged them not owning one. We’ve recently caved with Elliott owning a phone, but more so we can contact him when he’s out and they’ve each saved their Christmas and Birthday money over a long period to be able to buy their own iPads, so we felt like we couldn’t deny them it. xxx
My friend has introduced ‘tech time’ which are designated periods when iPads/games consoles can be used. She says it has really helped stop any arguments over ’10 more minutes’ or ‘one more level’. She also gives bonus tech time for helping with chores etc.
Also, my sister had been getting worried about my nephew (8) as he was suddenly getting really tired and grumpy during the day. It was only when she got up in the middle of the night and spotted a light that she realised the sneaky monkey had been getting up, grabbing the iPad and playing for hours. Now all tech is out of reach during bedtime hours!!
Ooh I like the idea of Tech time and them earning it Sarah. iPads/Phones are stored in our room during the day/night and they have to ask for them and then return them, so this shouldn’t be too hard to implement. Going to start it today! xxx
I may well be the worlds strictest parent on this…
Mine are 11, 9 and 2 After trying lots of things out the best balance we’ve had is letting (the older 2) on for an hour or two JUST on a Sunday. Even then, if they ask to go on devices they don’t get to. I can not stand the pestering and so if they don’t pester and hover over my shoulder hoping I’ll let them on it (albeit often this comes with offers of cups of tea and helping wth the washing to get in the good books) then I’ll announce (like the queen) when it’s time and they can pick the device they go on. We made the call to free up the rest of the week because, though trial and error, we noticed that when they know there is no device time I see happy, creative, energetic children who will easily think of other things to do… and when there is a chance of screens they are just not as nice poeple to be around! This has changed a bit since my eldest started secondary and social networking is a new thing for us to work through… the school also put her homework on an app so she always has a handy excuse if she’s found ipod in hand. But to be honest they don’t complain much about it. We explained to them that there seems to be less moaning, less pestering, less arguments etc when they have device free days and draw attention to all the fun things they’ve thought of to do instead and they seem to get that.
The 2 year old probably does watch too much TV – she’s clingy at home and I do resort to Cbeebies when I need to get anything done without child on hip but we don’t have any toddler games or videos on devices so she doesnt know about those. She sometimes asks to look at trains from daddys photo stream of the day we saw trains… thats about as exciting as an iphone is in her little world. I quite like that as she won’t think to ask to watch peppa pig when we’re out and about and I can save that for cooking tea time.
Ours love a board game too Lorna… in fact guarenteed alternative to keep them busy is to make their own minecraft version of Cluedo or something like that. I go crazy with the amount of tiny bits of cut out paper all over the floor…and playing them is kind of …interesting!
You’re not strict Amanda and I LOVE that this works for you & your family. Agree that children are much nicer when they are not playing computers. The boys, will be boys rather than trying to be teenagers and will play with cars, figures, making up games or kicking a football in the garden. I’m seriously considering altering our routine and having no computer weeks like you as they enjoy themselves when they do play, they’ve just got into a habit of asking for the computer first. Anabelle is currently obsessed with water & washing up, so whilst I’m preparing dinner she’ll be stood at the sink with a bowl full of plastic cups & plates splashing. xxx
I often have worries over how much TV/time on the iPad the girls have. When we we are at home the TV is normally on and they love playing games on the iPad. As others have said I do think a lot of things they watch / play are educational although Molly’s recent obsession with Barbie cartoons not so much!! On the flip side we are out the house for a large portion of the day so I try to balance it. I think you seem to have a good attitude to it though. I do think I may need to turn the telly off in the mornings though after today’s debacle! Honestly, how is it so hard to get two small children up, dressed, breakfasted and out the door? Most mornings they end up eating their toast on the walk up to school. Anyway, I digress…. xxx
Mornings are crazy aren’t they Lottie. TV has been banned in the morning from our house for a looooong time. It’s just not worth the agro and would more often than not caused us delays. Anabelle isn’t interested in the iPad at the moment, but she does enjoy her TV. I may trial a day with it off and just put on some music instead, as it’s just background noise whilst she plays most of the time…. xxx
Great post :-). Its definitely more of a boy thing (in my experience). My 2 girls just aren’t bothered about screens – will play for hours with barbie or lego. My Son (age 9) would be pretty much addicted to screens if I didn’t carefully control it. Unless he’s doing something physical – lots of tennis & footy at the moment, he really doesn’t know what to do with himself. We have very clear guidelines in our house (printed out in multicolour ink, laminated & washi-taped to the wall, I know, overkill?!!). We have weekday rules – no screens in morning, no screens until after tea is eaten (I time tea depending on how i’m feeling / how he’s behaving to control the screen time available after tea). Then no screens during weekend between 10am – 4pm, same for school holidays. I know, in writing, it all seems quite strict, but he’s really happy with those guidelines.
Having said all that, no tv in mornings does cause problems – the girls get really involved in a barbie game and then scream when I announce time to leave for school – sometimes I think it might be easier to just switch off a tv & then they’ll be more willing to leave the house?!
No TV in the mornings is definitely the way forward Nicola. Maybe a clear laminated sign is the way forward instead of me making up different rules everyday. If they know they can’t game, they know they have to be more creative with their play and find something else to do…Yep going to do this too xxx
It’s a really difficult choice to make (although not one we need to worry about just yet seeing that baby isn’t due for another 11 weeks :)). Neither the husband nor I are TV people so I think that will be easily implemented. I am, however, a bit of a gamer (husband not at all!) and love my xbox time to relax. So once the little one is more aware of that, we’ll have to figure out a suitable time to allow him to maybe co-play with me (like the Lego games).
We have friends/colleagues who don’t allow their children on any tech devices unless it’s school work but personally, I don’t really feel it’s fair to not allow them to use gadgets at all when I’m enjoying them myself!
We co. play the Wii with the boys Maike, and I agree if I’m on my computer phone etc, I can’t really expect them not to ask to use one too….. xxx
There’s a really good book on this written from a perspective that the internet is a positive thing, which I’ve read from the perspective of leading youth groups (our child has another few months of ‘womb time’ before I need to worry about this!). The focus is more on what they view, not how much, but it’s worth checking out: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Children-Digital-Age-Enjoying/dp/0745956041/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Again, from a youth leading perspective, I would say make sure there are firm and clear conditions on their use of internet devices – eg, they are always to be your friends, you know their passwords, make sure phones and iPads are left downstairs overnight. I often have to talk with parents about how bullying or peer pressure now follows them home through Instagram, texting etc, and often continues late into the night, so limited computer/phone time can be a really positive thing (they can blame strict mum and dad for not accessing things all the time, rather than have to defend that themselves). Generally, if you’re computer savvy yourself it’s fine, but it’s amazing how many parents don’t have a clue what their kids use and say.
Mostly this makes me think about how much I use screens, so as to practice what I preach. I’m going to have to make a concerted effort to get off my phone when bump is around I think – it’s not really fair to say they can’t be on their screens, when I’m on mine…
I’ve also seen those genius internet posts where parents change the wifi password until homework/chores are done! Think I’ll be stealing that!
Ooh I like the idea of changing the password Beth, that is most definitely a cheeky tip. Thank-you 😉 xxx
Fern is only 16 months so I won’t profess to be the leading authority on this. But I do feel strongly about it. It seems to me that things have changed so rapidly in recent years that parents of very small children like myself have to take strong measures to ensure we don’t find ourselves in the situation that parents with primary school age children have unwittingly ended up in. It’s understandable that with the dawning of the iPad (and other devices!) and the magical way they engage little minds, at first parents were initially like ‘hallelujah, this is THE ANSWER!’ We’re all looking for ways to smooth the rough edges of family life, it’s only human to embrace a new strategy which seems to offer a safe, easy, temporary solution.
But it’s only now that we’re realising the true price paid for early normalisation of staring at a screen for extended periods. 10 years ago, parents would have had no idea how reliant we’d all become on this technology, nor the risk that it’d get so out of hand and intrusive that we’d end up discussing the seemingly impossible task of how to manage it on forums like this.
I remember feeling disparaging towards kids at school who ‘weren’t allowed’ to watch tv. How ridiculous. Their parents seemed like Puritan extremists. And now I agree with others commenting above that to ban a child from something runs the risk of provoking the forbidden fruit scenario. But I do think that as parents we have to take control early. Now we know how serious a problem it can become, we need to decide if we want screen-reliance to be a reality in our house long-term, and if not, how to set and enforce age-appropriate limits.
I mentioned we have a 16 month old. We’ve just taken a 4.5hr flight, “Make sure you download plenty of ceebeebies!” Was the flippant, well-meaning advice from many a friend prior to our departure. Well we did take the iPad and we did load it with one episode of itng (mainly because we were too busy and disorganised to download any more) and yes the flight was challenging to say the least. But I was determined we’d keep our powder dry on the iPad until the absolute last resort. Which meant mearly 4 hours of trying to engage a loud, wriggly, headstrong small human with books, small toys, physical play and songs for as long as we could. When we finally did get the tablet out, she was amused for about 5 minutes of being told that Siri is not available before discarding it for the next piece of entertainment, because she’s never really been exposed to the iPad and has yet to realise it’s mesmerising qualities. So we went back through the books toys etc. It was exhausting. But then parenting is. I don’t want a medal because we don’t rely on the iPad. No one is handing out badges for perfect parenting and I don’t think I’d even mention it to anyone outside this context. But that’s the choice I’ve made for my family. If we rely on a screen to keep our children entertained when they’re tiny, how can we expect them to engage in family life and look up from their devices as they grow up?
A little boy at our resort who appears to be a bit younger than Fern is handed the iPad at every meal while his parents largely ignore him. It’s not like it’s at the end of the meal when he’s starting to act up and the parents just need 5 minutes to down their coffees. It’s like a routine default act every time they sit down, right at the start of the meal. Parenting is hard and we don’t know everyone’s story but I don’t care. I’m going to admit it now. I’M JUDGING THEM. There I said it. I feel so much better now.
I would like to reiterate a point at the start of my post, I think things have changed so rapidly that I don’t think parents of older children can be blamed for how badly this phenomena has taken hold. It’s crept up on us all and I would probably be in the same predicament myself. But now we have the benefit of hindsight and those of us with much younger children can make more informed choices. We have to try and stay one step ahead, stay in control clued up about emerging technology and trends in this area and use strategies like those described by Amanda and Beth above. And start by not relying on tech to entertain our children and set the right example ourselves.