I always said I didn’t want a husband who worked away yet here I am in exactly that situation. I can’t say I like it. In fact I’d be pretty clear that I hate it but this was our decision and our compromise after having kids. It was a decision that we made together. I feel guilty for the amount of grief I give Edd about it, and I do give him a lot of grief. Pretty much daily. It is only because I want him to be here with us.
Whilst I was off on maternity leave with Molly Edd took a new job at a new company. It would offer him the career progression he wanted with a company he was keen to work for. At the time I knew his job would involve a bit of time in London whilst he was initially training but I don’t think either of us foresaw quite how much time this would be in the long run. I’m not sure if we had if he would have made a different decision.
After having Molly I went back to my old job as Account Director at an ad agency four days a week. I’m not going to lie, it was blimmin hard work. I struggled as every childcare arrangement was up to me as Edd just didn’t have that flexibility. The problem was my job also meant days in London, copious client meetings and previously very, very long days. The only saving grace (in some ways) was that when I returned to work I was already pregnant with Alice. You can read about that fun conversation here!
Whilst pregnant with Alice it was apparent that me doing my old job just wasn’t going to be possible and we made the decision that the opportunities Edd had were much greater. This would mean I had the flexibility to look after the girls and work less hours.
His new job meant long hours in the office and spending two to three nights a week away. When you have an eight month old this isn’t really ideal and even less so when we had two under two.
Somehow despite some very vocal conversations (from me) we are five years down the line and we are still in the same situation. The days are longer and the time away from home more frequent. That’s pretty shitty. Not just for me, but for Edd and also for the girls.
No matter how rubbish it is I have had to accept that Edd isn’t here in the week and that isn’t something I do lightly. If he makes it home for seven to tuck the girls in then that is a bonus. I don’t think either of us enjoy it and it is hard not to take that frustration out on Edd. Which I do on a regular basis.*
It’s tough being on my own. Yes, I get the amazing chance to be here with our girls when I know Edd misses them dreadfully but my god it’s hard. Not just physically but emotionally as well. I do get stressed and I do get lonely. I just want him here to share things with. Heck, even have him here to eat my beans on toast with!!
I learnt how to cope and how to manage routines (more on that another day). I felt awful most of the time that I couldn’t give either girl the attention they needed. I know this is the same during the day for most people but come bathtime and bedtime all I wanted was someone to help. Someone who could read Molly her story whilst I picked up an ever crying Alice. Someone to sit down with at the end of a long day.
As the years go on it throws up new challenges. I can’t get out easily on a week night unless our lovely family are on hand. I also have to manage all childcare arrangements for the days I have work meetings unless I am really stuck in which case Edd will try his best to be there. Everything has to be scheduled in Edd’s diary so he knows when I need him to be around but even things like parents evenings or sports days can be tricky. I’ve probably become quite hard, and definitely stronger than I thought, and often just don’t ask Edd to be here as I know it is difficult for him. His work just isn’t that flexible. That isn’t fair on him either as he has no idea that I’m struggling with flu or that I’ve had to arrange 5 different pick ups just so that I can get to a meeting.
You might ask why doesn’t he just take a job nearer to home? It is something we have considered but the opportunities just aren’t there. Yes I’d be happy to get by on less money but it would probably mean me working full time and then neither of us would see the girls. We could of course move to London but I don’t think that’s right for either of us. It’s a delicate balancing act. How do you make that decision? We do this for us as a family. It’s not about the money but about having the time and means to give them an amazing start in life. Those family moments that we do have together are the best. The girls adore Daddy and their excitement when he does walk through the door at bedtime makes me smile so much. I might also smile as help has arrived!!
However, no matter how hard it is I know Edd is there. He’s at the other end of the phone and will be here if I need him. I know I’ve got his support and that is invaluable.
Does anyone else have a partner who works away in the week, or do you work away yourself? As always we would love to hear all about it.
* Edd if you are reading this I’m sorry for all the grief I give you about always being at work!
Image by We Are // The Clarkes
Such a timely post! My husband has been working away for a week now and I am shattered. It is rare that he has to do it and I am extremely lucky that he is able to work fairly flexibly so usually makes it home to help with bed time.
He has done it a couple of times since we have had our little one and it has always been hard but the thing I wasn’t expecting this time was how much she would miss him. She has been so unsettled so running on very little sleep at the moment.
I also work from home so throw in not a lot of adult conversation and it has been miserable.
I have huge huge respect for anyone that does this on their own more regularly for whatever reason!
Sorry for the slighyly rambling pity party comment. I was sitting in bed (watching peppa) feeling sorry for myself when i clicked on your post).
Xxx
Ps. Lovely photo Lottie
Morning. I know the shattered feeling well. I’d love to say it gets easier as they get older but we are currently having a few weeks of illness so I’ve been coping on minimal sleep and then the constant juggling acts of everything all day long really do their toll. I’m very lucky that come the weekend Edd lets me have a lie in on Saturday AND Sunday. He also pretty much does all bathtime and bedtime so I kind of get a few days off. Hoorah. It is very unsettling for them and it always makes me sad when the girls ask if Daddy will be at home. Even more so when Molly once told her teachers that Daddy lives in London! Luckily now they are older they do tend to understand that some nights Daddy will be home and they might see him for 10 minutes in the morning and other nights he will be away. I too miss the adult conversation. Probably why I speak to my mum every day about boring things like ironing! Hope your week gets a bit better and keep watching Peppa and having cuddles. And look forward to the day your husband gets home! xx
Thank you for sharing this Lottie. I’m due to have our first baby in the next few weeks and this is one of my biggest concerns. My husband works abroad for long stretches regularly through the year and I don’t have family close by to step in. If the baby comes round it’s due date then he’ll be going to Australia for 10 days and I’ll be at home with a two-week old on my own!! I’m nervous about how I’ll cope but also that I might resent him for not being here. Like you say it’s going to be a hard balancing act. Reading your story makes me realise it might not be ideal but hopefully we’ll make it work! Sounds like you’re doing an amazing job. X
Oh my gosh Tamsin – what bad timing!
I know you don’t have family but hopefully you have some lovely friends who can help out, even if it’s just to cook you dinner or make you a hot cup of tea and some adult conversation! Xx
Oh Tamsin, I feel for you but it will be ok. I’m lucky Edd doesn’t have to go abroad as at least he is home some of the week. You will just need to plan for the times he is away and make sure you have plenty of people on hand to help you and most importantly keep you company. You need to find your own routines and little support network. I made some mummy friends whose Monday morning tea and natter sessions were invaluable. You do learn how to manage, even if it’s not ideal, and you will surprise yourself with how strong you are. Good luck xxx
Wow Lottie this sounds so hard. ? All last week Phil was on site till late then off back to site before we woke up so we barely saw him. It’s a rare occurrence but it does make me truly appreciate how tough some families have it when a parent works away.
I know plenty of lone parents who struggle but cope, but of the unscientific study of them and their views I would say they get through because they’ve found a constant, they don’t have the shadow of a second parents’ presence that may or may not be there at any given time, which maybe makes it harder somehow?
I know not everyone’s career/profession allows for flexibility but it sounds to me like this is a major issue affecting all of your lives, and not something that will feel better in time. You strike me as one of life’s copers. You just get on with it. But this can really take its toll and chip away almost without you even noticing but the effects can be deep.
Far be it from me to advise a stranger on the internet (even though you do feel like our pal!) but perhaps it’s time to commit to change, really thrash it out for once and for all and let Edd know how impossible and potentially damaging the situation is for the family and if you both want it bad enough, and try hard enough, there IS an alternative solution to be found. There always is in life if all parties genuinely want to find it. Good luck!!
Sorry that should read ‘solo parents’ not lone parents. My friend would not be impressed I used the L word ?
You know I’d never considered using solo instead of lone. You’re totally right, solo is more accurate and much less negative sounding – my Monday education is sorted ?
And as per usual, for fear of sounding like a Philippa groupie, ?what she said. ?
I’m actually the one who was in the consultancy job which had a contractual obligation to be flexible with locations. After taking voluntary redundancy last year, I’ve perhaps answered my own question as to why I didn’t have any female mentors working there who had children. Very senior ladies did, but I didn’t feel like their lifestyles were very much in common with mine. Massive generalisation as of course I didn’t know any personally, but nannies and housekeepers were the rumored coping mechanisms. Neither of which our mid level salaries would entertain! (Though… Just spend 2 minutes imagining that set up for a moment ?)
So yes. Things can change but it does take a leap off a cliff sometimes… From someone still leaping!
Morning. It is true that you just kind of find your own way through things. In all this post I never really talked about how hard it is for Edd being away. Perhaps I’ll get him to share his side one day. He doesn’t like it either but he is doing it so that I don’t have to work full time and I’m forever grateful for that. Believe me we have talked through the options on many an occasion but there isn’t really another option now. His industry isn’t the best one to be moving about in right now and there are limited opportunities so we know it is best to stick where he is. Things always change so at some point I’m sure it will. In the meantime I can just share all my woes with you lovely lot xxx
My husband doesn’t work away all the time, just occasionally but he does often work late and even when he is not I have to manage all the drop offs and pick ups in the week, I work full time and have an hours commute. It gets to the point where I can’t always fit in my full weeks hours, I feel guilty for him being on nursery from 8-6. Yesterday was the first day in 9 days that husband had been with us. He wonders why our son is a mummy’s boy and When I tell him I’m exhausted Im made to feel guilty for complaining about getting to spend time with him. I think this is just his way of justifying that he feels bad about it all too. We have a busy year ahead of us with work and with our social life, so this is going to be a recurring theme in 2017 I think!
Claire I feel for you. It was so tough when Molly was in nursery and one of the many reasons why we just knew it wouldn’t work when Alice arrived. Interestingly my girls are both utter Daddy’s girls and that’s probably because Edd is amazing with them. Also, he’s the fun one!! We did go through a phase though where Molly would not even talk to Edd when he came back from a few days away. She would refuse for a good few hours and then he was favourite again. That was tough on him but luckily she has grown out of it and is used to Daddy being away lots now. Good luck this year, you will get through it xxx
Lottie I feel like I’m living a parallel life with you! I’m a DPM in an ad agency (although thankfully part time now) and while my husband is officially based in Glasgow, his team are all in London which inevitable means he spends lots of time down there. He works extended hours which allows him a Monday off to help out with childcare for our little one while I’m at work but Tues – Fri he’s often away before she wakes up or home after she’s tucked up in bed, he does try to limit the overnighters but it’s not always possible.
The things we do for the love of our children!
Oh my gosh Lynsey. So similar! Yep, Edd is officially based in Birmingham but his team are also in London so he is down there a lot. He leaves at 5am those days and is home very late. Even the nights he isn’t away it is normally long days. Not quite sure how he does it!! I’m impressed you were able to do part time, they wouldn’t let me other than 4 days with the 1 day basically being on call the whole time anyway! x
I’m the first ever part-time PM and while my company have been very supportive, it’s been a bit of a learning curve. I work 3 days and I try really hard to respect my own time and not do work on my non working days but it is hard. Especially when being a PM means my natural instinct is to manage all the things! I do feel that it’s probably hampered my career progression but that’s a post for another day.
We know those 5am starts well and while my other half try’s to go down and back up in the same day some times we are at the mercy of the airlines.
I’ve thankfully not been away as much with work as I’ve been previously, when both of us have 5am airport starts it’s a nightmare.
Hats off to you for managing to do it part time. That’s great. Oh god, yep the career progression is such a debate. I definitely think that will be a good discussion post one day xx
My husband works freelance and is about to go on his first away job since our son was born 10 weeks ago.
I’m absolutely papping myself about being on our own for a whole week but putting on a brave ‘it’ll be fine’ face. This is mostly because 1) I think it will probably be fine but 2) because my husband is already feeling incredibly guilty, sad and worried about being away from us.
Don’t pap yourself, it will be fine. Edd went away when Alice was two weeks old and left me with a baby and a toddler. I had no idea if I would survive. I did and it honestly wasn’t that bad. It is easy to forget how hard they find it so I think you are taking the right approach. Good luck! xxx
This gives me hope! Our first baby is due in the summer and my partner has a full week working away in the first month following the due date (at which time baby could reasonably be only 2 weeks old) and then another week abroad the following month. Plus at least two nights away each week normally…so I am very interested to hear your side, Lottie, and also the ways you cope with it! xx
You will be fine India, I promise. It’s not always the easiest when they are little but you do get used to it and find your own routines and ways of coping alone. I also have to remind myself that even if I do find it tough Edd hates being away just as much and he’s working stupid hours so that I can be there with the girls. Good luck xx
I cannot imagine how hard it must be for all of you to be away from the family for so long.
My husband works in the film industry which throws another wonderful spanner, I can never 100% guarantee when he will be be home which is shitty too.
Some days he thinks he’ll be home by 7, for something to crop up and then actually be home at gone 11 (not fun when he leaves house at 6.30 every morning) ?
We also sometimes have random Saturdays he has to work (usually at about 10 hours notice) which is sooooo much fun ?
This means we can’t really plan anything for evenings as we just don’t know.
BUT it’s his dream job. He enjoys it, and loves the variety it brings.
Scared to what we will do regarding childcare when I go back to work. But I think with anything, I guess we just make it work!
I’m not sure my OCD tendencies would cope with this inability to plan Evie. I like to know exactly what nights Edd is away and what nights he is home. The long days are something I can relate to though. On a normal day Edd leaves by 7 30 and often works till around 10. He is trying to be home at 7 more which is brilliant. The days he is in London he leaves at 5 30 and then the day he comes home it is about 10 by the time he gets back. I’m not sure quite how he does it. It makes me tired just thinking about it. You will be fine when you go back to work and as you say you will find your way. Good luck xx
Evie, that sounds fairly similar to us. At the moment, my husband’s hours are erratic – he doesn’t leave quite so early, but he can come home any time between about 8 and 11. He does a lot of on call weekends which can mean a few emails, and can mean hours of work, and he travels once or twice a month for a couple of days, and those plans are often made a quite short notice.
Baby is due in three months, and I am worried about how all this will work when he goes back to work. But again, it’s his dream job, so I guess we’ll make it work!
Pre Silvia it was me who worked away- the 90 minute drive and regular trips abroad were all part and parcel of my “dream” job as a travel researcher but I knew when I had her that would be it. My husband only works 45 minutes away and never has abroad trips (good old construction industry) but by the time he gets home it’s often just in time for story and a kiss goodnight- I don’t know how all the solo parents and people with proper distance jobs cope. Huge respect for you all!
But I don’t know how I did the long hours and travel looking back! To echo Philippa a bit I feel like you only realise how tired you are when it stops- you only realise how tightly you are clinging on when you can let go. But it’s difficult- there is no way I would leave our house, it’s like a slightly cantankerous family member that we adore. Where is the compromise to be made? If there isn’t one everyone is happy with is the compromise just plodding on? Is living for weekends and holidays enough?
It’s tough having to give up your ‘dream’ job but I am with you that it is often for the best. I have no idea how I used to do all the travelling either. I actually rather miss walking out the door and just going to a meeting or hoping on a plane for a two week photoshoot in France (yep that was my life!). However, I wouldn’t change it for the world and I am grateful that Edd working away means I get to be the one who stays at home with the girls but still gets to do a job I adore. It definitely a delicate balancing act of compromises all round but so long as our girls are happy I’m happy. xxx
Lottie this has made me a bit tearful this morning. I’m not sure why exactly because we’ve talked at length about the long hours Edd works and the immense juggling act you undertake to make sure your girls are happy, safe and cared for as well as working your socks off for RMLtd. I suppose seeing it written down and hearing the strain in your words that it takes on all of you makes me want to reach out and give you a big hug (in fact I’ll be doing that at the next meeting!!) I know how hard it is when Ste has to work away occasionally. It was probably for about five weeks in total last year so nothing compared to your situation but by god it was hard work! And that’s with one child and with family members around to help out if necessary. I take my hat off to all of you xxxx
Oh Lolly, didn’t mean to make you tearful. It is definitely a juggling act and is no easier for Edd who hates being away just as much. I feel that it has massively improved my organisational skills! Looking forward to hugs!! xxx
Thanks for this article. My husband is currently on a 16-wk residential training course for a new role, which means he’s away from monday morning till friday evening. Baby was 5 months when he started (8 months now) and we also have a 3yr old. I have found it so hard without him! I feel under pressure all day and then lonely in the evenings.
I am cross he even applied for the new role as it will mean shift work/night shifts so, even when he’s home for the weekend, I spend most of it complaining about him abandoning us!
I’m trying to be more positive and to embrace the positives (no tidying up after him in the week, significantly cheaper monthly food bill, the course will be over in a few weeks). But it has made me realise how lucky I was to have him around before, especially for bedtime. And I salute any single parents out there!
Abi, I spent a lot of time feeling cross about Edd taking the job but like you say there are some big positives! Mind you he still manages to create enough mess in the 5 minutes after he walks through the door for me to forget it all!! It is tough but know that you are doing an amazing job. xxx
Yep I feel your pain.
My husband has worked away since just before the first of our three kids (well, 2 kids and one very nearly due) was born.
I think he went to New York for a week when our eldest was 6 days old.
He regularly works abroad, away within the UK and general long hours which prevent him being home for bedtime.
Thankfully when he works locally he is as flexible as possible, thanks to his amazing PA and us both being uber organised. So he does all he can to help with nursery drop offs and parents evenings.
I’ve recently been trying to be a bit more supportive and accept that this is the way it is. I can feel hard done to, and like I get the worst end of the deal, but the reality is that this job enables us to do so much as a family and I don’t really need to work (I do work because it keeps me sane and I love my job).
It is frustrating when my career has to take a back seat to his, as I’m the one who is really responsible for managing the kids and all their inevitable sick days. But I took extended maternity leave for 4 years and I’m now taking a further year with baby number 3. So, taking into account our age difference, my husband has another 11+ years of experience to mine, and will always earn substantially more.
What is best for our family is not necessarily always what is best for me as an individual, and that’s taken a while to fully accept.
X
Oh Lora, everything you have said is so true. I am trying to accept the reasons we do this and also that Edd hates it as much as me. he just isn’t as vocal as me. I feel guilty all the time for making him feel guilty. He does his best to be home if we need him and I appreciate that immensely. I think it’s hard not to think that all other families have parents who walk through the door at 6pm when in reality they probably don’t. Also, you are a superwoman doing that at 6 days old. Edd went away when Alice was 2 weeks old and I can’t even remember how I coped for that one night on my own with a newborn and a toddler. It was good practice! I am definitely going to try and take on some of your positive attitude to the situation. As you say it is about what’s best for the family xx
Haha six days old was actually ok, she mostly slept (and screamed – reflux) but it is easier than a toddler who doesn’t nap!
I just try to limit what I do when he’s not here, the washing can wait until the weekend etc. I try to carve out time for me in the evenings!
I’m just glad he isn’t in the armed forces and being deployed for months at a time! X
Oh god I know. My brother in law is and I know my sister is already stressed about when they do have kids as he can be away for six months to a year at a time. She’s already moved near my mum but at the moment it’s so she can help look after the dog, not a baby!! x
My husband works away a lot, usually down in London but he also has to travel abroad at least once a quarter. I cope by decamping to my parents when I can, if not I really struggle with sleep as I end up in bed with a 9 month old and 4 year old. Other tips – eat dinner early before kids go to bed otherwise I get so hungry and frustrated putting them down that it’s like torture! I also try and freeze some single portions of meals to make things easier.
It’s got harder for my 4 year old as he’s got older, my husband was away for 10 days in November and it really unsettled him.
At least it’s not like when my dad worked away whee I was a kid, we literally didn’t see him for 6 months! We had to write letters as phone calls were awkward with the time difference. When it’s more long term like that it’s difficult to adjust when the family member returns and they aren’t part of the new routine. Tough all round!
Don’t think you can compare to single parenting though, that must be very hard not having the emotional support.
Hi Kathryn. Sounds like you are doing a sterling job and I too used to spend a lot of time at mums in the early days. I’m lucky Edd is only away for a couple of days at a time. The weeks he is away 4 days seem very long. Like you say, if they are away long periods of time that is even harder. I am loving your theory on the eating. I had never thought about needing the energy and I am definitely going to try this. Hopefully will also mean I have better meals in the week. Thank you for the tip. Keep going xxx
Thanks for this post! It really helps to hear of other people getting through this parenting malarkey in a similar situation. We have a 21 month old, my husband works away in the week as he’s in the RAF and I work four days as a teacher. It’s mega hard work! I live for school holidays and weekends when there’s slightly less pressure and an extra pair of hands. Like you, we have made the decision to base ourselves in one place. I’m lucky that I have my family around to support. Only nine years to go until he retires!
I have the utmost respect for you working almost full time whilst your husband is away. Nine years will fly by!! It’s been so nice reading the comments and seeing how many other people are in a similar situation. It’s easy to feel like you are the only one who is doing this but so many others go through the same. Think we are all superparents! x
I know how you feel. My husband works away from Monday morning until Thursday night. I then have to get one girl to school (she’s in reception) and my baby to nursery before getting to school myself as I am a secondary school teacher 4 days per week.
My saving grace is having Wednesdays off. I can take Martha to school and feel not guilty about having to put her in breakfast club. It’s all a bit rubbish and I find it hard, but it’s all I’ve ever known since meeting my husband 9 years ago.
I wish we earned the money to make life easier but unfortunately we work hard and still have to be very careful with money. This year we can’t go on holiday. Luckily we live near the coast so will make the best of our very beautiful county.
You are doing an amazing job. I can’t even imagine having to try and get out to work as well as the school run. I’m very lucky that I mostly work from home with occasional meeting but those days are pretty hectic. I’m enjoying this week as Edd is only doing day trips, hoorah! Very jealous of you living by the coast. This country is my favourite place to holiday so enjoy every minute of your staycations xx
I feel your pain!!!
My husband and I made the difficult decision for him to take a job based about 2.5 hours drive away from home when I was pregnant with our second child.
The decision was not taken lightly… it was career progression at a fantastic company but his role at the time meant lots of abroad travelling so it felt like the lesser of two evils.
Unbeknownst to us the new role would need abroad travel too.
Cue to me having a 23 month old and a 4 week old baby completely on my own for a whole week… in his first week in the new job!!! That was tough!!!
We’re now 2 years in and like you say it doesn’t get easier at all but I think you just learn to handle it.
There are days though when having 2 kids, a dog, a cat, a house to manage and other things thrown into the mix to handle on my own feels like it may well break me… but low and behold it never does.
I also have made myself see it from the other side of the side of the coin… I know how much my husband misses out on by financially providing for our family.
The saving grace is the girls do not know any different and it is their normal routine to not see Daddy several times a week…. but their reaction when Daddy is home melts us both everytime.
First off, I have refused to get a dog!! Can’t cope with anything else to look after! You are so right that no matter how tough it gets it doesn’t break you. It’s amazing how much we can get on and do when we have to. It’s so difficult to know if you would have made a different decision if you had known about all the travelling but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I too am trying to see the other side in terms of what Edd misses and how hard he works. But those smiles when Daddy gets home are definitely the best xxx
Such an interesting post Lottie.
I think I’m unusual here in that when I go back to work after mat leave, I’ll be away one night a week. I already feel horrible about it. I’ve been looking for another job for ages, but it’s not that easy as I work in a very niche field. Thankfully my husband is a superstar, despite having a really full on job himself. But, I do worry about him resenting me longer term. I’ve given myself until October to find another job.
I’m in awe of all of you who survive on your own – it’s just such hard work. When my husband has gone away for work I’ve felt like I’m in survival mode.
Mel I’m the one that travels too – you are not alone!! I actually find it ok, I travel sporadically with my job, for anything from 1 day to a week or two at a time, with a week’s notice if I’m lucky. I can also work long hours, but I’m lucky to have an employer who lets me pick up my daughter two days a week (I appreciate that won’t seem like a bonus to many, more a given, but it is for me!!). And I am hugely hugely grateful to my husband for supporting me and allowing me to have my career. He does too, but his is infinitely more flexible with hardly any travel at the moment. My concern is how my daughter will feel when she is a bit older. At first she would sulk for at least 24 hours after I (or my husband) had been away, and now thankfully that seems to have stopped. But I am now considering something that would involve longer hours and lots more travel, and I worry whether I will lose the bond with her. Currently she is very much a mummy’s girl, wanting hugs and cuddles all the time, and I don’t want to lose that. But we can’t have it all sadly!! I guess we all make our own sacrifices and compromises.
Annie, I am sure whatever decision you make your daughter will be fine. Molly used to be the same with the sulking when Daddy returned but as she has grown up (she’s 5 now) it is only ever excitement to see Daddy. That phase only seemed to last for a short time and she is most definitely a Daddy’s girl. I don’t think you will loose that bond so don’t worry. I think it’s brilliant that you have been able to follow your career path and have worked out the flexibility and options that work for your little family xx
Mel, you are a superstar yourself in planning to be away. The odd nights away now are a mammoth mission for me (although I do like the odd nights decent sleep!!). You will be fine whatever you decide and hopefully the perfect job will be there for you soon x
Solo mumming since I had two under two in Hong Kong *and borderline alchy*
Solo mumming at the weekend too since we bought a house a year ago and it needed gutting and renovating, which Mr O is doing single handed. My littlens are 5 and 4 now so it’s a little more bearable, my daughter (whose nick name is “busy”) has just started to sleep through the night at the ripe old age of 4 – so I’m not a sleep deprived emotional mess anymore. That helps the old coping mechanism!
I overheard one of the mums in the playground whine to her friend that “Frank” (not his real name) hadn’t been home for the kids bath time the previous night and she was exhausted because she had to do it, and she was livid with him because it’s his job, every single night. *rolls eyes* – I know, I shouldn’t be so judgey right? I just had to walk away because I felt a little rage.
I’m grateful to be a stay at home mum, I cater to every need of my kids and that’s a blessing, but it can be hard work. there’s no denying that x
What Jenny did! I remember you from the RMW days, have you been back for ages and I’ve just not realised? Hope you’re well lovely.
Yes! That’s me! Been in the UK 3 years now and happier for it xx
Oh gosh Jennifer, sounds like you have had it pretty tough. Not sure I would have coped being in another country. Alice was also a nightmare sleeper to start with and that made those early days of having two even harder. Getting a decent nights sleep definitely makes a big difference. I too have had to laugh/try not to scream at some people’s comments about not coping for one night. A close family member is lucky enough that their other half is home most afternoons at 3 (I know!!). If they were ever away then it would be a case of calling in a combo of Nanny/Grandma as they couldn’t do it alone. For one night!! Guess it is just what you are used to xxx
Totally. I also feel like we are grown ups and need to stand on our own two feet?
I’m gonna go out on a limb here… And admit that it’s easier when Mr O is away for work…! One less person to cook for and clean up after, oh my god does that sound awful?? It’s true though! So used to solo mumming now it’s plain weird when he is around?!
This post has really resonated with me. My husband is in the Royal Navy and has currently been away for 4 weeks. He will be home for a week next week and then off again for a few weeks and it will continue roughly like that while he is on this ship. Our 14 month old daughter is really missing him and I have found it pretty hard taking care of her, managing my work (I am a teacher so always have work to do in the evenings) and doing all the jobs around the house all by myself. I have found I have to stay up much later each evening to get everything done so am feeling pretty run down now – roll on half term next week!
Although he has been on much longer deployments in the past, which I learned to cope with, it all feels very different now we have our daughter. He was in a ‘land-based’ role since just before she was born, so to have him go back to sea again has been a real shock to the system. It has made me realise just how much he does around the house! I know its tough for him too as she is still changing and developing so fast and he is missing out on seeing it, although I do my best to send him photos and videos.
In a way we are lucky as he could have been sent on a 9 month deployment, but the coming and going can be tough too. I think its harder for our daughter to understand whether she will see him or not. She has got a lot more clingy since he’s been away, but I don’t know if this is something that she would have done at this age anyway.
I’m at the stage where some of my friends with children a similar age are starting to think about/already having their second babies and I just can’t comprehend having the capacity to look after another one! How do you do it???
Oh gosh Janet, a husband in the forces is ten times as hard. My brother in law is and I don’t know how my sister copes with him being away for six months at a time. At least they only have a dog at the moment and no kids! You are doing amazing to fit in your work and daughter all by yourself. I too am up stupidly late as I catch up on work and housework, it’s never ending. The clingyness probably is part of it but hopefully it will pass. Molly was like it but only for about 6 months and now she is just excited whenever Daddy is home. Alice never bothered in the same way.
In terms of having two I’m not going to say it was easy. It was pretty tough but I just learnt to get on with it. You get to know your routines and unfortunately sometimes that means story time gets cut short for the eldest whilst you look after the baby. It hasn’t affected them too much and Molly developed a fondness for Disney films! I just kind of fitted around the girls and managed the best I could. You will amaze yourself with how much you are capable of and how much you can manage to do. I was shattered but it was worth it and now they are older it is so much easier.
Keep going and know that you are doing an amazing job.
x
We have a very similar situation, around 19 months ago my husband took a job that is based in London (we live in Devon). We ummed and ahhed hard over it as we have two small girls, at the time the youngest was about 16 months old. He even turned the job down first off. But he had to do something as was really unhappy in his current job and was affecting us all, and there are rare to no opportunities this way for his work. So we agreed on 2 nights, 3 days Max in London each week. It has often been more and rarely less. It is SO hard and I really often want to tell him I can’t cope anymore, it has really affected my relationship with the girls as I’m stressed and exhausted all the time and they miss him more than I thought they would realise. But at the same time we make it work, and sometimes these sacrifices are for the greater good in other ways. I’m able to work for myself meaning I’m here for the girls whenever. I hope one day soon he’s able to relocate back though. I miss being able to go places on the spur of the moment mid week after school / work, and having someone their at Bath and bed to ease the load! Props to you all doing an awesome job in simular situations. Plus I have a new found huge respect for single parents xx
It is the hardest decision isn’t it Erica? Balancing finding a job they enjoy with being away. We are the same with trying to keep it to 2 nights away but some nights it has been four during busy periods and that is tough as even on the nights he is in the local office he is still normally late. Try not to get stressed. I feel the same and am often tired and ratty and shouty with them but I try to tell myself it’s ok as I am here with them. I’m the one picking them up from pre-school and school and for teatime, bathtime and bedtime. It might be hard but we do get that. And cuddles. They always make things better. As you say the not being able to do stuff in the week is hard. I’m lucky we have family around but it’s still tough as you have to arrange babysitting in advance and be super organised. The weekends are the best when we just get to be a family and I get off bath duty!! Keep going, you are doing an amazing job xx
My husband worked off shore, 3 weeks off, 3 weeks on when our wee boy was born and it definitely contributed to my PND. He gave up and came home to start his own business when Roan was 7 months old and its made a huge difference. I’ve had to go back to work more than planned and he’s only making the equivalent of maternity pay (talk about role reversal! ?) but we’re so much happier as a family. No idea how solo parents do it, hats off, big time!
I could have written this, my husband has always done the odd work away but by that I mean it was only ever a few days or 1 week but not that often. I’m now 2 years into solid Monday – Friday away and my god it’s hard! If he gets back on a Friday before 7pm we’re lucky and I work on a Saturday so Sundays are our only day as a family. I could give up my job but quite frankly I love it and it’s Only 3 days a week and I get to take my kids to school each morning.
I feel guilty every night that my eledest doesn’t get the same time my youngest does, something I’ve just firmly put my foot down with and made a change with this week so they get their own time with me. My daughter misses daddy like mad so bed times can often go one way or another which means I can still be tackling bedtime until 9pm some nights (stubborn little monkey ?)
Then as you’ll know you have everything else still to get ready or tidy up for the next day leaving no evening at all but someone to sit down with for 10 minutes would be great! i completely understand the lonely part, I feel like a single but not single parent but my husband has worked so hard to build his business and the work is never local. Like yourself we do this because we want one of us to be able to be at home with the kids and for them to remember I was there on the school run, although I do sometimes feel the stress levels that come with it on your own can backfire on what should be the quality times. I try not to give my hubby grief but does find its way out but I know he’d much rather be here too.
I tell myself it could be worse I could still be rocking a screaming colicky baby night in night out whilst trying to soothe a child who suffered nightly night terrors ? Thank god that phase has gone I thought I might end up wearing a very tight fitting, strapped white coat ?
It’s nice to read how someone else feels too let’s keep kicking weekly solo mom ass!
I can relate to this, my husband got a new job which he loves but means he is away two nights every week. I am at home with my 6yo and though looking after him is not a bit hard I find the days and nights alone are long. I love spending time with my son, we are super close but I miss having someone to chat to at the end of the day. It’s emotional hard for me to be alone but it is someone I am working on.
This is a really interesting read Lottie! Someday a it feels like I am the only one in this position! My husband lives abroad in Ireland, as he has a very good job here, he grew up there and we have a home in both countries. We spend most our time in the UK mainly because our son is only 1yr old and traveling solo with him is hassle! He comes home most weekends but also travels to the US and Asia for work….. sometimes this will mean we do not see him for 2 weeks……. this is really hard and I am finding myself resenting him. I also work full time and although we have a nanny and my sister for childcare in the week, it’s still very tough, especially as our son is a terrible little sleeper still and I’m constantly exhausted. I find myself doing everything alone, breakfast, dinner, bath, playtime bedtime. When hubby is home he is a brilliant dad and is very hands on, it just seems I am left to cope with all the illness’s, sleep problems and childcare dilemmas. My job also used to involve regular travel, which I am not unable to take part in and the occasional overnight trip requires military planning……I would love some advice on how to stop resentment building against my hubby!?
Hi lottie
My name is Gemma and I know how you are feeling my husband works away all week and doesn’t come home till a Friday and sometimes won’t get home till late. We have two children one is 4yrs and one has just turnt 4months. I do find it hard with him being away like toy say doing everything sometimes I feel like a single parent! I’m currently writing my feeling down at moment in a notebook only that makes me get things of my chest really.