I blinked and a year passed me by. A year of sleepless nights, a year of tired frustrations and a year of ‘hang on a minute’, a year of ‘yeah in a second’, a year of ‘ok, maybe in a bit’. A year of seemingly putting Leo on hold. To say that I have found managing two babes tough would be an understatement (I’m happy to talk about this a bit more in another post if anyone is interested). The day to day juggling act has been very hard work and throw in a mass of sleep deprivation (which we are still navigating our way through) I have felt like a failure on more than one occasion. Don’t get me wrong, there have been good days where the universe aligns with my schedule and things go right and I congratulate myself on those days but one of the things I’ve found the most difficult is putting my time with Leo to one side. And it wasn’t something I really realised until a few months ago. I never noticed how much it was ‘just us’ before. And it made me sad. I felt like I needed to do something, take some sort of action and get back to reconnecting with him.
Leo starts school in a mere three weeks (more to come on that subject in a couple of weeks) and after hearing myself say for the millionth time ‘hang on a second babe, we can do it this afternoon’ and watching the disappointment fall across his face I decided to take him out of nursery with 5 weeks to go before he starts. I figured the days that Tayo is in nursery I would cut my working day short and we would spend a couple of hours together doing whatever he wanted and try and reconnect. I just felt like I needed to show him that there is still time for him and that he is still so important to me. and actually, I really miss him so the plan was that we would both benefit form it.
Day one of just me and him arrived. Wow. I forgot how ‘easy’ having just one is! It certainly never felt easy before Tayo arrived but then I think a year has passed, he seems to have grown up so much. He was so easy to ‘manage’. He played for four hours whilst I got some work done and then we went on a bike ride. Just me and him. We ate a picnic. He told me ‘mommy this is just the perfect picnic’. I secretly wept into my Pringles.
And so the pattern has continued. We’ve been to the skate park, we’ve been shopping, we’ve played badminton and football, we’ve read all of his favourite books (SO lovely to read in the middle of the day and not through tired eyes at bed time) and once I’ve finished penning this, we’re off swimming. I have plans for a cinema trip next week and a trip to the beach the following. I know it isn’t representative of real life but hell, I don’t care. I think that sacrificing a few hours work (and therefore money) a day is an excellent price to pay for getting some quality time with my boy before he goes off to school and he’s out of the house every day (what will that even be like!)
We’re on our second week and I had major concerns about my decision to have them both three days out of the working week but turns out it was the best decision. Don’t get me wrong, I still have to ask him to be patient on the days that Tayo is home too and I don’t suppose there will be any getting around that whilst he is still so dependent on me but I just hope that putting some extra effort in with him will make him remember fun mom and understand that I will always do my best to make time for him.
Do you feel a bit disconnected from your first born after having another? How do you make sure you make time for them? I wonder if there are some traditions I should start – dedicating every other Saturday to some ‘us’ time or something. Do you do anything like that?
This definitely resonates with me. We have 3- George is 5, Esme almost 4 and Ted 9 months. I recently feel like I’m spread too thinly and am sick of being an ‘in a minute’ mummy!! I also feel like (probably because I’m breast feeding) if the big two have needed taking somewhere that’s not suitable for babies then I tend to stay at home with Ted and someone else takes them; often these are the kind of activities where you can talk to them and spend that elusive ‘quality time!’
I’ve tried to counteract it a bit more recently. During the holidays I’ve drafted in family a couple of times to have the baby while I take the big two to more grown up places- the cinema or trampolining places for examples. I love our little one to pieces but it has been great to just be able to enjoy the amazing little people the big two are becoming and to just have fun with them! I also found that their behaviour was so much better and the days were just a lot less stress and more enjoyable!
When Ted was first born, Esme went through a really difficult tantrum phase- my sister had the baby for me for two hours while we went shopping together for a Christmas tree for her bedroom (complete with hideous tacky ornaments of her choice!) and it worked wonders! Sometimes I think it’s really easy to forget just how much emotional support children need and just finding brief pockets of time each day to check in with them can be all it takes. I always makes sure we get ready for bed in plenty of time so I can factor in a 10 minute conversation with our oldest about his day once everyone else is in bed and the madness has calmed!!
I think it’s easier to reconnect away from home sometimes- less likely to get distracted by that pile of washing that needs putting away or those carrots that need peeling- but I also think just trying to find ten minutes to sit and share a book or just have a chat is also a really important part of it!
And don’t worry about school- I was in the same position this time last year- you’ll be sat here in a years time absolutely amazed at how much he has learnt and how grown up he has suddenly become!! But do get tissues for his first day (for you not him!!)
Ah Rachel you sound like you’re doing a great job. And with three I just can’t imagine! I love your Christmas tree story and I think it really shows that just a little bit of time is all they need. I love being away from home just the four of us where there’s no washing, no laptop and nothing else to ‘worry’ about. It really does make it easier. x
Definitely not a great job! We have good hours and bad ones! 😂
Becky, this is adorable. I am still waiting for my first little one to arrive (any day now hopefully!) and I know just having one will be a massive learning curve. If we do have a second in future I know I will want to come back to this post and remind myself to make time, because they aren’t little for long are they, it flies by! Also from a personal point of view as a second child I would have loved it if my mum and dad had spent more time with us as individuals, I am one of three and although I have memories of just my mum and I doing things in the gap when my older sister was at school and I wasn’t yet, I have hardly any memories of doing things one-on-one with either parent after I started school and my little brother arrived. Sounds like you are doing an awesome job, and love how considered you are being about it too. Xx
Thanks so much for your comment India! I have been thinking about what I will do when he starts school and I’m hoping that at least one day a week after school we can go and do something for an hour, wether it’s the park or simply going for cake before we collect Tayo from nursery. I think that’s going to be a whole knew juggling act too. Good luck with everything! x
Gosh Becky I know exactly how you feel and was absolutely the same. I realised after Ralphy was born how much Milo and I missed the time we spent together just us, and looking back now I can see he was still really a baby (2.5) when he arrived and I expected so much from him.
I found it (& still do tbh) really tough juggling two of them and running my business, especially as my husband works abroad for most of the week and constantly felt like I was never doing anything properly. Before Milo started school like you I took a bit of time off and spent as much time doing stuff just the two of us and I’m so glad I did.
Now he’s about to start his second year and again during this summer I’ve made time to do things with him on the days Ralphy is at nursery. Granted it’s not great for business but I know he treasures this time as do I.
The older he gets the more it’s like having a little best friend to hang out with and it’s SO easy just having him!!
Enjoy the time love xx
Kim I can’t believe you manage with a partner away all week… what a hero! And I fully relate to the business thing but some things are just more important aren’t they? And I’d rather spend a couple of hours in the evening catching up than missing out on a couple of hours in the day with him 🙂
Aghhh feeling this but I feel they both get a bit of a rotten deal? Silv is so demanding right now (potty training, tantrums, and she’s so verbal she can ask for exactly what she wants which is great but then it’s ten more blooming stories) and poor Paddy just gets dumped in his bouncer or hoicked on my hip or ignored in his Ergo while she gets my full attention. I would NEVER have got away with that with her as a baby- but little lardy bear just sits there smiling and puts up with it. I can’t wait for her to head off to preschool in spite of knowing I will miss her terribly those mornings as he really needs some quality Mum time! And she really needs the extra stimulus and time with other children as she’s not been to nursery. But then some days I feel like every other word I say to her is no! Even though I’ve made a real effort that we do at least one thing per day for her- trip to local tiny zoo, wander on the beach, playgroup. Urrrrgh mama guilt.
Anyway, what a lovely idea to have Leo for his summer holiday! And I’m loving your Insta stories – massively impressed by his skate park skills. Hope it’s a golden time you both remember happily xx
Ah Lucy it’s so tough isn’t it. She will love pre school I’m sure and you’ll get those few hours of baby snuggles. I hate having to say no but I think you just have to sometimes don’t you? As I type this Leo just told me he’s having the worst day ever so you know, sometimes you just can’t win. x
I’m in the minority that I never put my eldest in pre-school for anymore than a day so had two at home all the time. That was difficult too. We had days where we went out and did trips to the museum and the beach but in the main, a trip to the Waitrose cafe and the library was standard. Now I’m back at work I realise I missed out on a lot with both babies. I never got the 1 on 1 time with my youngest because I had my non napping toddler. She got 1 on 1 time for the hour he had his naps but as he’s not a good napper it wasn’t a lot and because that was her time, I didn’t get any Me time at all.
I’m now back at work 4 days and trying to make the most of our day of together. A month in that time has been catching up and doing admin for the house we’re buying. I have a list of places to go and things to see but the weather hasn’t been compliant either.
I think whichever way you do it, it’s hard. Seeing them together has been lovely and I do wonder whether having them both at home all the time has made them play together more, even at such a young age.
I do love having them together and watching them interact. Tayo doesn’t really ‘play’ yet but I’m excited for the day he starts to. And I’d say a day at Waitrose cafe and picking up a book or two seems pretty perfect. Leo loves the library and he hasn’t been for ages so I might just add that to our list of things to do next week 🙂 x
I’m feeling this at the minute cause the arrival of no 2 is imminent! I find myself looking at my firstborn and feeling sad that she’ll no longer be the sole focus of my attention. This is a good reminder to take time out just for her, when possible.
And yes please to a post on coping with 2! I need tips 😊
Me too definitely a coping with 2 under 2’s, got a 16 month old and a newborn due and my current little won’t walk yet…thanks x
Rachel I had two under two and was really worried about it and unhelpfully most people’s reaction was that we must be mad! So just to offer some reassurance that well there are challenges I really wouldn’t have it any other way as they are honestly such good friends x
Exactly what Ella said! I was terrified by peoples comments as we only have an 18 month gap between our oldest 2 but you’ll find a rhythm and work it out! Yes there will be days where you hide in the kitchen eating biscuits and lie to the kids that it’s bedtime an hour earlier than usual because you just can’t take it a second longer (no?? Just me??) but I love my two ‘almost twins’ and as they’ve got older life seems much easier for me than friends who have much bigger gaps as they have similar interests now so we’re not always having to split up! We just restarted the clock with another (surprise!!) and there is 3 years between him and the middle one- I think we’re going to really struggle to manage all the different directions they pull us in as they get older!
You’ll be amazing! X
Such a lovely post Becky, you are a great mum ❤️️ Having two (letting alone more) is definitely a challenge. When they were small I really suffered with anxiety about keeping them both safe. But now they are getting older (2.5 and nearly 4) I think is does get easier just in that their needs and likes are more similar. I’ve always been conscious of one on one time with them both but to be honest they always ask where the other one is! I’ve got one year left before my eldest starts school and then the year after my youngest will go so I’m trying to make the most of it! xx
Aww Ella I love that they miss each other and wonder where the other is.
Becky – I just wanted to say what a great idea and to be honest I would do the same thing (have the 5 weeks off before my son went to school). Actually this is an interesting article because my little boy is 2.5 years old and we have talked about having another baby but actually I am really concerned about the whole 2 kids thing. Not just the logistics (as I guess that would get easier after a while) but the time missed just hanging out with number 1. I really like your idea though so perhaps if we have another one I will remember this piece!
Oh Becky; this really resonates with me. I have an almost three year old, and a 7 month old, and I really really miss days when it was just the two of us. I have days just with the baby when Flo is at nursery, but I miss time with just her, and feel so guilty I can’t play with her as much, as the baby takes a lot of my time (he has reflux so cries a LOT!) I’m definitely going to start doing a treat just us every other Saturday. That sounds like a great idea.
And yes to a post about coping with two! It’s been a real struggle for me with no family nearby, a husband that works long days, and just always having that feeling of something needing to be done. I love having two, and love how much they love each other already (A’s face lights up whenever his sister walks into the room!!) but it has been really challenging.
Love the idea of taking time for the older one, just you and him, def going to steal that when my second arrives. Would also love an article on coping with 2, I’ll have 2 years 2 months between them which sounds ok (I think?!) but I know some people who really struggled with the adjustment and others who said it was a breeze so really just looking for all the tips I can get! 🙂
This all sounds so familiar. I have a 15 month old and a 4 year old and I feel like I’m always neglecting one for the other. I cried the day I saw my 4 year old playing with her dolls and telling them to “please, just give Mummy one minute”.
But I was one of 3, and we were closer in age than my two, and all I remember of my childhood is fun, holidays and a lot of love. I don’t remember being told to sit quietly, or wait a minute. Kids are so resilient and we’re all doing an amazing job. Sometimes we need to stop beating ourselves up and give ourselves a pat on the back instead xx
Very true. I need to remember the joy of having a sibling and focus on that, thank you!
Argh it’s so hard isn’t it?! I have a just-turned-three year old and a 4 week old whose arrival also coincided with the summer break for nursery and my teacher husband so routines are out the window. Consequently my toddler is displaying all the classic ‘terrible-2s/3s’ symptoms. It’s so hard to know whether this is a reaction to the loss of 100% attention, or the lack of routine, or just an age thing, and therefore how to react to it and balance discipline and learning with understanding of the huge upheaval and therefore letting some things slide. Either way, as mum, I find myself spending more time with my newborn due to the practicalities of breastfeeding, and struggling for patience with my first born throwing ‘yet another tantrum about watching more TV!’. It’s heartbreaking, I feel like she doesn’t like me some days.
This is right where I am too, I have a 6 year old and a 3 week old, The oldest desperately wanted to be a big brother but the reality of his arrival at the start of the school holidays means 3 weeks in I feel he’s become withdrawn from wanting to do anything and is bored by everything I’m trying to do as much as I can with him but it’s hard with a newborn, there’s no routine and he’s had far too much time on his DS…And he’s told me he’s feeling sad on a few occasions 😢 He is great with his brother but I think having mummy to himself for 6.5 years is a big thing to get used to having to share me…we’re all doing our best but man the guilt is hard sometimes!