I was lucky. I know that. Although Molly was in neonatal it was only for such a short time and I am forever grateful for that.
Molly was born at 37 weeks due to pregnancy complications of developing Obstetric Cholestasis. It was a pretty scary experience and you can read about that here as well as my labour story here.
Those first few hours are a strange time. You are in a fog of pain relief, shock and complete and utter love. All the emotions. All of them. Sitting in that bed by myself with a teeny baby by my side felt ever so strange. How was I responsible for her and would I even know what to do?
Edd had just been sent home as it was 5 30am and I was hoping to catch a few hours shut eye. I was beyond exhausted. Very naive first time mum thoughts there! I then heard Molly grunting away. I can’t really explain the sounds but just that they were very odd. I pressed my midwife button and proceeded to say ‘I’m so sorry and I’m probably just being a first time mum but should she be making those noises?’. The midwife looked at her and said she probably needed her nappy changing. So I did that and placed her back in her cot. My eyes closed only for the noises to start up again. This time I was pretty confident Molly was also distinctly blue. Cue pressing the button again and a different Midwife appeared. ‘So sorry and I’ve already asked this and am probably paranoid but should she be making those noises. Um, and she seems to be a bit blue’. That Midwife was amazing. She calmly picked Molly up and told me she would just take her out to have a little look at her. I’m ashamed to say I crawled back in to bed and closed my eyes. I lay like that for about 2 minutes when I suddenly realised that my teeny newborn had been taken away. Out of bed I got (read hobbled) and went to see what I could find out. I saw the Paediatrician who told me that they thought Molly had fluid on her lungs and that she was going to go for some X-rays and tests and then off to neonatal. I quickly realised I should probably call Edd! He had just got home and asked if he could have a shower and a nap before he came back. Men! In fairness there was nothing we could do at that stage so there was no need to rush.
I’m a pretty calm person and knew Molly was in the best possible hands. I always feel a bit guilty that I didn’t feel more worried, that I didn’t cry or panic. Maybe I should have?
Very quickly the Midwives came and moved me to my own room and at first I didn’t understand why but they explained that when your baby is taken away they don’t like you to have to stay on a ward with other mums and babies. I still don’t think I had really comprehended what had happened. I just kind of waited. It was probably a good three hours before I was allowed to go and see Molly. I very very slowly walked to neonatal where I pressed the button to be allowed access. It’s a bit strange being peered at through a video camera and really makes you realise how serious this unit is. Inside I was prompted to wash my hands numerous times and use all kinds of gels before I was allowed in to see Molly. If you’ve had a baby in neonatal you’ll know how you become a bit obsessed with hand gels!
And then there she was. And then I cried.
My teeny tiny baby was lying in an incubator covered in wires and an oxygen mask. She looked so small and fragile. And I felt utterly helpless. I couldn’t even touch her let alone pick her up. However, I stopped crying quite abruptly when I looked around the room and realised how many extremely sick babies were in there. They were so small and Molly seemed so big in comparison and although she was very poorly I knew she was doing well. In fact by the end of her short stay the neonatal staff were calling her a fraud. It’s not often they get a 6lb 6oz baby in there.
I sat there for about 10 minutes but I just didn’t know what to do. It was so hard just to watch her and not be able to hold her and so I left. I did the same when Edd arrived. We just waited. I felt I should keep going back up to neonatal but I just didn’t really know what I should be doing or how I should be feeling.
At a time when you want to be showing off your new baby I couldn’t let anyone see her. You get very used to sitting by your baby listening to the monitors and beeping and the comings and goings of the Doctors. They were never anything but reassuring. It seemed like forever but after only one day the midwives came in to tell me that Molly was being ‘released to air’. It basically meant that they were going to try her breathing on her own. She was a little trooper and did amazingly well and a few hours later we were allowed to hold her. It was so strange having to wait almost a whole day to have another cuddle with our little girl but my gosh it was worth it, even if it was only for a short time.
When I woke the next day I went up to see her and was surprised to see she had been moved to the low dependency room of the unit. Basically in our neonatal unit there were three rooms and the babies move along as they get better. This was fantastic news and meant we hopefully wouldn’t have much longer to wait until she was coming home. It seems she just needed a bit of time and later that day they decided to take her drip out and see how she did. The little monkey was one step ahead though and pulled it out herself. And that was that.
Just two days and we were allowed our little Molly back. It was so lovely wheeling her back along the corridor to my room and knowing we would be going home the next day. As I said, I know we were lucky. Having seen friends babies stay in neonatal for weeks on end I know how utterly heart wrenching it is. It makes you realise how precious those little lives are but also how a mothers instinct most definitely does exist. I can’t even begin to imagine having to go through that for weeks or months and my heart goes out to anyone who has experienced it.
As always please do share your own experiences of neonatal and the myriad of emotions you go through.
Ah, that’s so sad. But great Molly wasn’t there for too long. My daughter was taken straight to neonatal when she was born because she didn’t cry properly and was grunting – which is a sign of a respiratory infection. Sitting in the room I gave birth to her completely on my own (my husband had followed her to neonatal) unable to move because of my epidural was one of the worst moments of my life. I couldn’t let people know she’d been born because I couldn’t really speak. She came back an hour later with a cannula in her hand because she would have to have antibiotics twice a day for a few days. However, the next day they took some blood and found her infection level had risen so they wanted to do a lumbar puncture on her to rule out brain infection. Walking her down to neonatal for this is actually the worst moment of my life. My family had just come in to visit and it was Mothers Day and I was howling. However, like you, I soon pulled myself together when we got to neonatal because I saw how poorly some of the babies there were and how lucky we were that Juliet was only coming in for a procedure. Although the infection had not spread to her brain, we had to the spend a week in hospital for her to be monitored and get the antibiotics and I’m not ashamed to say it broke me. I left hospital with my week old daughter traumatised and in shock. So hats off to everyone who has had to go through something like that, and I know there are much more terrible things that do happen. We were totally unprepared!
That must have been so unbelievably hard and scary Jennifer, especially the lumbar puncture bit. I can’t imagine having them taken straight away, I had a few hours with Molly before the grunting started. I never realised that was a sign of respiratory problems. They think it is likely Molly was earlier than they thought and that coupled with the quick labour meant the fluid hadn’t left her lungs. We too were completely unprepared as although we knew she was going to be early I’d never been told there was a risk she could end up in neonatal. They are little fighters though aren’t they? As are we!! xx
It is really traumatising. Our little boy was undiagnosed breach and so after a traumatic delivery (no time for painkillers) he arrived into the world sideways and not breathing. He was taken straight to neonatal and I hadn’t even seen his face. When we were eventually taken to see him, I don’t remember actually meeting him. He was on an oxygen mask. 2 days later we were awoken in the middle of the night because he had been placed on a ventilator which he stayed on for 8 days. The staff in neonatal were simply brilliant as they gave him minute by minute care and slowly, very slowly, nursed him back to health. There’s so many awful emotions, fear, the loss and absolute primal need to have and hold your baby and not being able to hold them, the sense of time, and then trying to get your milk in because it’s the absolute only thing you can do for them. I spoke to mothers and fathers who had gone through months and months of this and I will never be the same person again. I understand pain now and I understand true love and just how far you can go. But what I was repeatedly told is babies are strong little creatures and so if anyone is going through this as they read this article, believe it they are.
That must have been so frightening Jess and such a difficult time. As you say, the staff are beyond amazing and do everything they can to help your little ones get better. Unfortunately I wasn’t allowed to feed Molly initially as she was too poorly but the midwives were adamant I should keep trying to express which was pretty tough. I honestly don’t know how people do it for months on end. I have an infinite amount of respect for those that do. xx
After my experience of losing Alexandra I was convinced we’d end up back in NICU with Ophelia. She was coming out via the sunroof at 38 weeks and we were warned she might have issues with her lungs. I’d decided not to have steroids before birth as the long term effects arent known and 36 weeks to be when more long problems occur. I can honestly say the relief at not going to neo natal was immense and then the shock of being on a normal post delivery ward was something else!
I am so so happy that you didn’t have to visit neonatal again Claire. I know how terrifying that thought must have been for you and you are one amazing mummy. Lots of love to you and Ophelia xx
Just the thought makes me tear up. I really have my utmost respect for anyone with poorly babies and makes me realise how very lucky we are. I have been thinking about home birth this time around and this is probably the main reason why I’m still swayed towards a hospital delivery. Especially as my friend just went through something very similar recently after a problem free pregnancy and straight forward birth. Turns out her little boy had a lung infection and had to be kept in neonatal for a few days too.
When I first saw my midwife she asked if I would like a home birth (I was born at home). Edd flatly refused as he told her I have a tendency to go to the extreme with illnesses!! He was right and after a straightforward pregnancy it all went a bit wrong those last few weeks. I’m rather glad I didn’t have one planned in the end although I liked the thought and I know so many people who loved having their baby straight in their own home with them. I think if you are healthy and all is well then it’s a wonderful option xx
My eldest was taken straight to NICU after a rough, long labour eventually being born by emergency c section and being very very hypoxic (her APGAR was 1 at birth). It took eight minutes of CPR and the crash team to get her breathing. At 8lb7 she looked like a toddler in there. I didn’t meet her until she was about ten hours old and my epidural had worn off enough to let me get into a wheelchair to travel to NICU. The feeling of helplessness and not knowing what to do with her was immense. I didn’t truly feel like she was mine until we took her home. I felt numb and almost indifferent to her and remembering that breaks my heart, I was interested but didn’t really *feel* that she was my baby. I’m so sad now that I didn’t spend more time next to her in NICU over those first days but I didn’t know I could.
I wasn’t given a single room. Sharing a bay with three other Mum’s and their babies while mine was in NICU was very hard. Despite all of this, my experience of NICU was so very short compared to many other people, and my little one is now a boisterous and healthy three year old so I know how lucky I am.
Hi Orla. I do know how you feel about not getting that initial ‘bond’. It is very hard when they aren’t with you but you can’t feel sad that you didn’t spend more time there. If you were like me it was more heartbreaking just watching her and not being able to do anything. I do feel very grateful that I was given my own room as I know many like you for who that wasn’t the case. It makes it that much harder. So pleased to hear she is doing so well. Molly is five now, where on earth does the time go?! xx
My twin girls spent a month in the neonatal unit after being born at 32 weeks, and I can honestly say it was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. It was such a mixture of emotions: relief that we had made it to 32 weeks, as we were surrounded by babies who had been born much earlier; grief that I couldn’t even hold these two little things that until now had always been a part of me; anger that the whole thing had happened at all when so many people I knew had had such smooth pregnancies and births. The birth had been very stressful and the girls were born not crying (one was immediately ventilated and the other went straight onto CPAP). I remember being convinced that they were poorlier than everyone was telling me as I couldn’t see for myself. I wasn’t allowed to leave the High Dependency Unit for the first 2 days as I was too poorly, and I still remember feeling so detached from the photos I was being shown by the midwives and my family. So hard. Luckily, a lovely neonatal nurse broke the rules and brought one of the girls to see me at the end of day 2 as I was a complete mess. It was the briefest of visits but made all the difference. I then spent as much time as possible at the neonatal unit until they came home. Looking back, I think the whole experience had so much more of an effect on me than I realised at the time – for months afterwards I would burst into tears quite frequently when I thought about their arrival, and found anything like One Born Every Minute so difficult to watch as it reminded me what we had missed out on. Almost 4 years later, the memories of that time are still painful, but easier to cope with as time goes on.
Hi Katie. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can’t think how hard that must have been for you not only having two babies in neonatal but also being so poorly yourself. I think I would have been the same with the disbelief as you really do need to see them for yourself to know how well they are doing really. I bet you will always remember that wonderful nurse and her kindness. I once bumped in to the midwife who took Molly away to be checked and she was so pleased to see her doing well, it was lovely. I am not surprised that you have been so affected by it. That separation and emotional turmoil is never going to be easy. Give them an extra big hug tonight xx
So much of this resonated with me, thanks for sharing your experience. My daughter was born with a lung infection after a normal pregnancy and delivery and was rushed to neo natal and put in an incubator. I had spent so long thinking about the birth but not really what could happen after she was born. We had her in a birth centre and the transfer to hospital in the ambulance was the most surreal and scary experience of my life. I have so much admiration for the amazing staff who care for these tiny babies, thanks to them she recovered very quickly (and also pulled off her wires and breathing machine!) It has taken me a long time to process what happened and I have so much respect for anyone who has a baby in neonatal for a long period of time. Xxx
Hi Anna. Thank you for sharing. I guess I was the same in that although I knew I was ill at the end and there was a risk to Molly in the womb I never really thought about her being poorly when born. I probably should have. The staff in neonatal are just the best and make you feel so much better about everything. These little ones are monkeys pulling all the wires out aren’t they? xx
It doesn’t matter how long your baby is on neonatal, it’s still the hardest thing to be separated. Our daughter decided to be born at 30 weeks and 5 days with no warning or reason. My waters broke on the Friday and after a day in hospital being pumped with medication and steroids, she made her speedy entrance in the early hours of the Saturday morning. The memory of her being taken out of the door away from me at less than half an hour old will never leave me. I haemorrhaged after her birth and was taken to theatre so didn’t even meet her properly for 12 hours, and her first cuddle was the next day. She stayed in the unit 6 long weeks, but aside from jaundice, her only real issues were gaining weight and learning to feed.
The first two weeks she was in there, I cried more tears than I knew I had and felt so angry. I grieved for my bump and felt so separate from her. I also felt like I had failed her by not keeping her inside. It was the worst, most terrifying experience but it has also been amazing to see her grow and develop. She was 3lb 7 at birth and now at 4 and a half months old is nearly 10lb! I dont even recognise the tiny, helpless baby covered in tubes I see in her early photographs as being the same baby. I kept a diary to show her when she’s older, as I forget how much she overcame by being born so early.
Hi Fi. Thank you for sharing your story. That must have been unbelievably scary. At least I had warning Molly was going to be early, and not that early at that. I have had friends similar to you at 32 and 33 weeks with no warning whatsoever. It’s so tough and being ill afterwards must have made it ten times worse. I’m so pleased to hear she is thriving and it must be so lovely to see. I don’t have any photos of the first few days of Molly’s life and I do regret that. Even if it would have been her covered in wires it would have been part of her journey. I think it’s so lovely that you are keeping all these memories to show her how strong she is. She will love it when she is older xx
My little boy spent a week in NICU with an infection, it was a terrifying experience – the worst week of my life, but at the same time the best because it was the week we met our new baby.
I struggled massively in the months afterwards to process what had happened – I still have such vivid memories of the whole thing – the moment they took my baby away from me, the night I spent in a room full of new mums with crying babies when I didn’t have my own, the horror of watching them put a cannula in my tiny baby, and the agonising day we spent waiting for his test results to come in when nobody could tell us that he was going to be ok. It’s still hard to think about now.
I have always felt a bit guilty for being so upset by the whole thing when ultimately we were incredibly lucky and there are so many babies in NICU who were more poorly than ours. It has been really reassuring to read all the comments here to know that my feelings weren’t unusual. My heart goes out to anyone who has had to experience NICU.
Your feelings were not unusual at all. It is completely normal to feel like that when your teeny tiny newborn is not only taken away but subjected to all manner of tests and procedures. You just have to keep positive and know that they are fighters. I hope everything is well with your little boy now. Big hugs x
Hello. Sorry to hear you went through this. Any time seperated from out babies is too long. So pleased to hear Molly is doing so well now. I’ve had 3 babies on neonatal. My first, Niamh, was born at 28 weeks weighing 1lb11oz and and had a lot of problems, she spent over 3 months in Nicu. My 2nd Conor was born at 29 weeks weighing 2lb1oz and spent 3 months in, then a week after he was discharged contracted an infection and spent another month in intensive care. My 3rd and final baby Aoife, Was born at 33 weeks weighing 3lb 12 and after nearly 5 weeks we have been lucky enough to bring her home this afternoon ! So exciting to now be able to start “normal” family life away from the hospital! Wishing you all the best xx
Fiona, I have the an immense amount of respect for you. Three babies in neonatal at different times but have been heartbreaking and I having them all that early must have been very scary. I am unbelievably happy that you have come home today with your gorgeous newborn. That is cause for celebration. Big hugs to your newest addition xx
I had a similar experience, normal pregnancy and birth but 24 hours after labour my daughter was swiftly rushed off to neonatal due to a suspected infection, put in an incubator etc. I was completely unprepared for it. She was nearly 10lb so can imagine how huge she looked on the neonatal ward! It broke my heart seeing her in there and my need to have her next to me was so strong I was a complete mess. Its reassuring to read that others who were in this situation are still quite traumatised by it as I felt like I was overreacting. I couldn’t begin to imagine how people cope when their babies are in there long term. A week I will never forget.
Thank you for telling us your story. It really resonated with me. I had Willow at 41 weeks, after a normal labour, she was rushed off immediately due to breathing difficulties. She then began having seizures and was transferred to a different hospital. She’s developed sepsis and meningitis (we discovered from a lumber puncture) due to a Strep B infection. I had an infection so was kept at the hospital I delivered at for a week. It was the loneliest time of my life. After a few touch and go moments, Willow was allowed home after 2 weeks and I’m pleased to say is now a bouncy 20 month old toddler. At the time I felt so unlucky (around 1/2500 babies are affected by Strep B). Now however I feel so incredibly lucky, that we had the outcome we did.