That’s me. If the girls argue, I shout. If they spill drinks all over the carpet, I shout. If they mess about at dinnertime, I shout. Basically I seem to have a very short fuse and I hate that about myself. As a mum I should be able to control myself but no matter how many times I try the shouting just pops out.
The other week I had yet another horrible case of guilt. Molly had been sat playing beautifully after school and asked me for a hot chocolate. I made her some in her special china cup after she told me she would be careful not to spill it. Low and behold at the last moment she dropped the cup and chocolate milk flew all over the carpet. ‘Molly, be careful. Look what you’ve done’. Followed by numerous if you can’t drink properly you will have to have a lid next time. It wasn’t my loudest shouting but she knew I was cross. I then took a deep breath. It was an accident and she hadn’t meant to do it. So I told her it was fine and we started the clean up. Just as I’m putting everything away she knocks the phone off the side so it goes crashing on to the floor and there follows another raised voice. The poor girl then headed off upstairs and I found her up there with tears rolling down her cheeks. I felt awful. As in heart breaking, I’m a terrible mum kind of awful. Why can’t I stop the shouting? They don’t know and they are only little. I hate myself for it. I wouldn’t say I have a temper, although some may disagree, more that I am just a shouty person. I always have been. At my brothers and sisters, at Edd (a lot!) and now at the girls. I’m also very loud in general!! So when I say shout it is probably just a very loud sentence normally started with ‘Girls, will you stop…..’. Insert any choice of arguing, taking her toys, annoying each other (and mummy) etc etc.
I would never ever do anything but shout but to a small child that is enough. Mummy shouting can be a scary thing and I regret it every single time. Surely I should be being the grown up and controlling my feelings and not loosing my rag at the kids. But it’s so blimmin hard.
They are the most amazing girls and on the whole not naughty or mischievous. I am a pretty relaxed parent and I’ve found it works well with the girls. I know most parents say this about their kids but they honestly aren’t naughty or malicious (apart from the odd toy stealing from each other). Just normal three and five year olds. Any time they do something that makes me raise my voice it is normally very low on the naughty scale. It is the constant bickering between the girls that often grates on me and causes me to speak before I think. I will add here that I don’t spend my whole day shouting by any means.
I know children need to know when they do things wrong or are being naughty but I wish that I could be one of those mums who sits calmly and talks to them about what they did wrong rather than shouting. It’s like an instant reaction. I just find it so hard when I’m normally tired, stressed or, let’s be honest, just fed up of telling them same thing for the millionth time.
My girls are my world. Everything to me and I can’t bare to think that I am upsetting them. I’ve been trying really hard these last few weeks and, do you know what, it’s actually quite easy to keep my voice to a more normal level. Every time I’ve felt the decibel level going up I’ve taken a deep breath and tried to remember they are little or that it was an accident. There are still the ‘Girls, will you XYZ’ but I’m guessing that is part and parcel of being a mum.
I’m hoping you won’t judge me for this but I needed to get it off my chest. I don’t want you thinking that I shout at my kids lots. In truth it is probably just the normal level of motherhood raised voices but I hate being that shouty mum. I would love to know how you handle situations when you feel your voice getting just that little bit too loud.
There’s something about being a parent that reveals all sorts of things about you and makes you feel so vulnerable. I too am a bit shouty. Juliet is going to be two in a fortnight and we haven’t quite reached the stage where she gets told off a lot, but we’ve had some instances for sure! For me, when things get on top of me I am predisposed to verbally let off steam and that often comes in the form of shouting/proclaiming loudly about stuff.. It’s a bit of a natural reflex!
However, I am starting to realise that, with Juliet at least, shouting does not achieve anything. She doesn’t respond to it well at all. This might sound like I am stating the obvious – first time parent over here – but I know it would serve me better to take a deep breath first before I react. My Mum used to count to 10 before she tackled something my sister or I had done when we were children and I can sort of see the value in that now!
I’m interested in other people’s comments because we’re approaching The Terrible Two’s so all tips will be gratefully received!
You are so true Jennifer. I kind of think mine is just a natural reflex to be loud, it’s just me in general rather than telling off. Randomly I was so much calmer when Alice went through her tantrum phase. Have a read of this article as there was lots of advice from readers (http://rockmyfamily.wpengine.com/the-terrible-twos/) . Talking to her seemed to work so much better than shouting but my voice seems to have got louder as the girls have got louder!! Need to make myself heard I think!! xx
Sounds like you’ve already taking positive steps to combat this, Lottie. Just being aware of it and wanting to change is half the battle. If you keep mindfully catching yourself and responding more calmly, before long it will become habit and your default reaction.
If Fern is being really really testing and nothing I’m saying seems to be going in, I actually LOWER my voice, lower tone, quieter. It makes her stop and work harder to listen. I’m amazed every time but it’s proving really effective.
That and, well Janet Lansbury. She’s always there in the back of my mind reminding me of Best Practice. Even if I don’t always follow it in the moment.
I absolutely echo what Pip says. She pointed me in the direction of Janet Lansbury and I am forever grateful! I now have two of her books and dip into her website whenever I feel like I need a refresh or a sense check.
Her thoughts on ‘why you yell’ is one of my most read. Lottie it’s worth a look over, you’re not alone!
http://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/02/i-think-i-know-why-youre-yelling/ xx
Thanks you two lovely ladies. I’m off to look at this book now. I’m loving the idea of the quieter talking. Although I’m not sure I’ve ever done quiet in my life!! Always a first time x
Lottie, one of the most influential people in my childhood was one of our neighbours. She was super loud and chatty all the time, but we knew we were in trouble when she spoke in that quiet low tone. It was the best discipline because as soon as she lowered and slowed her voice it was like a warning and we would all stop what we were doing.
My Dad yelled all the time, but for some reason the low, slow warning voice really cut through and made you realise she was serious and in control.
It took me way to long to realise this wasn’t Angela Lansbury of Murder She Wrote fame..
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Morning Lottie! I caught my almost 3 year old repeatedly telling her doll off with a heavy sigh and then saying “for goodness sake”. I wondered to myself where she had picked that up from. A few hours later, she knocked over a glass of juice after asking her to use two hands and I heard myself sigh heavily and then mutter “for goodness sake”! After mentioning it to my husband, he told me I do this all the time so no wonder she has been repeating it! I didn’t even know I was doing it! I am a shouter too and I wonder if I am saying this to stop myself from shouting? I am a lot more aware of what I am saying now and how she must view how I talk and behave. Its just so hard sometimes to keep your cool.
It’s heartbreaking isn’t it Megan but it definitely makes you stop and think about what you are saying. They are like little sponges and take everything in. I’m sure there will be many more times when I loose my rag but I am trying my best xx
Megan my 2 Year old sings “the nannies on the bus go ‘Goodness sake'” ? Will have to have words with my mum!
Ahh Lottie I am with you on this one. I have a seriously low level of patience at the moment. My Sofia is 3 now and I am 29 weeks pregnant. She is a very strong willed character and testing us at every turn, this coupled with the fact 4 months ago she suddenly started waking in the night with terrible tantrums, resulted in lots of raised voices all round. Very depressing for me and not nice for her. I am pleased to say after some intensive sleep training we have finally turned a corner on that front. Her behaviour and my temper has most definitely improved but I do worry about how the effect a new born in the house will have on my patience levels even further. Argh I don’t want to be the shouty moaning Mum either!!
X
Oh Louise, it sounds like you’ve been through it with the night tantrums but so pleased to hear you are making progress. It is definitely hard to keep your cool and tiredness is the biggest killer for me. I was actually ok with Molly when Alice was born so I am sure you will be fine when the little one arrives. I was shattered but maybe I was too tired to even think about shouting or maybe Molly was actually really good. It was once they got old enough to antagonise each other that it got harder! All good fun. xxx
Everyone shouts at some point. It’s why you’re shouting that’s more important. Your girls have to grow up in a world where every emotion is allowed. Even anger. However, you must be clear why you’re angry. If you shout all of the time, a child will quickly learn to blank you and wait till it’s over. In the future, they won’t even care that you’re shouting.
Of course you were upset that hot chocolate got spilt on the carpet. It was an accident by your little girl but most of all you were probably angry at yourself. You knew she’d spill it! Next time count to 5, tell her that your angry at your mistake and next time she has hot chocolate in her tea cup, she can sit in her chair at the table.
When they have done something that is worthy of a chat/sanction, make sure you change your pitch and tone from your normal talking voice. This way they will know to listen and can tell that you’re angry/upset. You explain why you’re feeling like that and tell them that whatever is upsetting you has to stop right away or …. will happen. You never tell them that they’re being naughty/bad but that their choices are wrong. There’s no such thing as a bad person, just somebody that makes the wrong choices.
After saying all that, and being the daughter of a behaviour specialist.. I still end up shouting on occasion. You can’t control every emotion 100% of the time.
“Your girls have to grow up in a world where every emotion is allowed. Even anger” couldn’t agree more Gem!
Totally agree with this too.
I apologised to my 5 year old the other day for shouting and explained why I did it. He really listened and said it was OK and gave me a hug!
This is all so true. Thank you Gem. I know I can stop the shouting so no idea why I do it. In fact I realised this last week (half term) that I didn’t raise my voice at them once about anything. Either they were impeccably behaved or I’m getting the hang of it! I definitely need to remember the ‘making wrong choices’ thing. Such a good way of looking at it x
You’re welcome. Definitely use ‘wrong choices’ when discipling. It works so well. I used to teach a boy with the highest level of ADHD. He couldn’t contain himself and he used to apologise all the time for being a ‘bad boy’. It broke my heart. He must have been hearing this at home. I had to tell him every day that he was not a ‘bad’ boy. Some people don’t realise the damage they can cause by using certain types of vocabulary.
If you ever find yourself with some free reading time (I know ?), you should have a look at Carol Dweck’s Growth Mindset work. It helps you to understand how to talk to children, especially when it comes to praise and developing resilient/emotionally intelligent children.
When I was young I asked my Dad why he worked with children with behaviour difficulties, as it was so hard and they were so ‘naughty’. He told me this quote …
“If somebody can’t ride a bike, we teach them. If somebody can’t swim, we teach them. But, if somebody can’t behave, we punish them. Why is this fair?”
I love that quote. It is so true and such a nice way of looking at it. I also love a spot of reading so off to hunt down the book xxx
The problem with not shouting is that sometimes shouting is necessary!
My four year old has a habit of closing her ears if she wants to do something, when I’ve told her not to. I’ll calmly tell her not to, three times, and then I raise my voice as she casually ignores me and carries on.
Then she cries her eyes out like I’ve been really mean. We then have a cuddle and talk about why I shouted, and we both apologise, me for shouting, her for not listening.
Not ideal, but she KNOWS that I’ve said no, and just ignores me, until I shout… which is really frustrating, because I have tried really hard to tone down the shouting.
Some days you can’t be calm, no matter how hard you try. x
I completely understand Lora. Half the time I need to raise my voice just to be heard over the racket! I think this is where the loudness comes from as I was one of four kids so if you didn’t shout you weren’t heard! xxx
Lottie don’t beat yourself up, the most important thing is you’ve acknowledging something within your parenting that you would like to change, and being aware of what you’re going to do.
I was fairly determined that I wasn’t going to be a shouty mum. I’m a firm believer that behaviour breeds behaviour, and I don’t want Bertie to think that the best way to communicate or get your point across was to raise your voice.
I try really hard to reserve the shouty voice for danger situations, and with a child with zero fear, it does have to come out occasionally, but because it’s not an everyday occurrence when the big voice comes it guarantees results. Of course, no one can get it right all the time, I shouted recently when she emptied her entire chest of drawers all over the bedroom; I was tired, we’d been stuck in all day because of torrential rain, and minutes earlier I had just put lots of nicely folded washing into that chest of drawers. It totally didn’t need me to shout but it happened, and there we go.
I find that they understand so much more than we realise sometimes. Bertie almost always reacts when I get down to her level and explain the situation, or let her know I can empathise with how she’s feeling. It pays to sometimes try and think how we would react as adults in that situation too. If you spilled a hot chocolate by accident in a cafe and the manager came over and gave you a bollocking it would be a bit rubbish. Whereas if they acknowledged the situation but reassured you it was fine and accidents happened you’d feel much happier. They’re just smaller versions of us after all.
Last week whilst we were shopping there was defiance over the purchasing of a grotty plastic tiara. I could see it was turning into an emotional situation so I just got down, gave her my full attention, told her I could understand it was really frustrating that Mummy can’t always buy everything that she wants, but we had already bought 2 new pairs of shoes, and there’s plenty of princess things at home, so we weren’t going to buy the tiara today. Then we had a cuddle, the tears stopped and she was happy as larry popping the tiara back on the shelf.
If you can be mindful about putting this sort of thing into place, it very, very quickly becomes a natural reaction.
Oh Laura you are so right in every way. I’m also pretty sure I’ve split more than one cup of hot chocolate in my time. Including all over my new boss on my first day in work after uni. Not a good start!!
I adore that you get down to Berties level. This is something I need to try and I’m pretty sure the girls would respond. Also reserving the loud voice for danger makes so much sense. Luckily Molly has never really stropped, she’s just a bit of a wind up merchant with Alice which tests me to my limit. And Alice CAN strop. A lot. I am also very thankful they have never done the drawer emptying thing!!
xxxx
Hubby says I go from 0-10 with no build up. My go to is from complete calm to “RRRRRIIIIGGGGHHHHT” which means my 3 year old knows something is coming but the shock of it all… I too am loud anyway but I’ve cranked this up to 11 and there’s no way back… Starts to sob those great huge tears. I hate doing it. I’m trying to change to a calm build up. Not working that well so far. If I can loose the ‘right’ and volume it may be a step in the right direction
Helen, this is me all over. It’s like all or nothing and I’m loud at the best of times! I am trying to keep the volume down and it is working a bit so you will get there. Good luck but glad to hear I’m not alone in the noise levels! xxx
Oh thank you for your post, Lottie! My little boy is only 14 months old now and I get loud from time to time. I really don’t know how we will all develop with him growing older. I’m worried and excited to see how we’ll brave this parents-child-thing.