Before you wonder why today’s post is so short it is because rather than us talk to you we would love you to talk to us, and to each other.
Over recent weeks the team has been talking quite a lot about information and photographs of our children on social media. How much should you share and do you want photographs and details of your children’s every day life for all to see?
This post isn’t about us giving our opinions on the matter, I can assure you they all differ, but we would be really interested in hearing your thoughts.
It would be greatly appreciated if everyone could respect each other’s thoughts and feelings, please do feel free to comment as anonymous if this makes you feel more comfortable.
Happy discussing!
x
For me less is more when it comes to sharing photos of kids, I love seeing how other peoples kids are doing particularly as someone who lives a long way from loved ones. However, I wouldn’t want my whole childhood to have been publicly documented so should respect that my kids may feel the same in the future…
I have a closed Instagram account for friends and family where I share pictures of my children. I share ‘special occasion’ moments with my children, I.e birthdays and Christmas on Facebook – again the privacy setting is set to ‘friends’ only. I’m in agreement that my children haven’t asked to have their lives publicly documented and so I’m careful with what I share. I ask myself a lot ‘if it was photos of me, would I have liked it?’
I LOVE seeing photos of people’s little ones online. Love love love it.
Saying that, I’m pretty much the opposite! You know my reasons, but very few people outside ‘real life’ family & friends even know my daughter’s name; and we’ve never shown her face on social media. Our circumstances make you really second guess where an image could end up.
It’s so difficult not to share sometimes, she is the most ridiculously beautiful little girl, but most of the time I’m happy with the way it is. For now!
We know one day soon it’ll change and we probably will post images of her, but I’ll always ask myself the question ‘would I be happy if this was me?’
The second issue is by far more important to me. I have friends who share photos of their children in the bath or running round naked and it’s their choice, it’s 100% innocent and I know these parents would never in a million years put their child in danger, but I strongly urge any parent to reconsider sharing images like that.
I used to work for ChildLine/NSPCC and as much as it’s always difficult to put your head into that world, where people can harm children, sometimes I wish parents would, before sharing. The horrible reality is that there are people out there who will see that image in a very different way to you.
An image goes online and immediately it is owned by someone else. Not only have you handed that copyright to a global organisation, it is then potentially accessible by anyone who has the ability to view your profile, take a screenshot and share it (often innocently), hack your account or the account of one of your loved ones who may not have the right security settings that you do (let’s face it, we all have relatives on Facebook who fall for every viral fake news ‘share’ or obsessively take part in those ridiculous quizzes). While sharing might not necessarily put your child in physical danger, you DO NOT KNOW where it will end up. I don’t think I need to point out whose hands it could end up in. So yeah, the naked bath pics… they’re the ones I wish people would reconsider sharing.
Back to a lighter note! Generally I’m all about personal choice… Your family, your life. I adore seeing photos of people’s little ones and I love sharing them too. The more the merrier! For me, its just making sure we’re keeping our little ones safe when we’re doing it.
In the meantime, I’ll just keep sharing photos of the back of E’s head 🙄🙄🙄Xx
I would just be rewriting what a lot have said. It’s a dangerous world out there and I strongly disagree with putting images of your children online.
Some instagrammers I follow even put the front of their house online which is just beyond sense to me as I along with the world know the name and or number of their house and they either say where they live or what village is close to them etc so you could easily pop round to their house if one so wished and also by doing this you know where their kids go to school and that just seems crazy that I should know that.
I feel people need to deeply reconsider what they put out for people to see, your children are humans too and I for one wouldn’t have wanted my childhood documented for everyone to see. I work where individuals as previous have said, would with one click save these photos and they could end up anywhere on the internet and not for good use.
I actually changed my Instagram settings to private a while back after reading another post on RMF (apologies but I can’t remember the exact focus – I think it was by you Lottie though?!) – now it’s just for family and friends. I miss out a little bit on “social engagement” I guess but I think that’s worth it to avoid the worry. I do occasionally share photos of my toddler on twitter but try not to label them with her name in the hope that any future google search of her name wouldn’t bring them up.
A friend made the point that she feels sorry for teenagers today as any transgressions are recorded online forever (by themselves I hasten to add, not their parents!) whereas when we were teenagers there weren’t even digital cameras so any evidence was strictly hard copy!
This is something we’ve been discussing a lot recently. we share the odd photo and our Instagram and Facebook accounts are private. We don’t share any information or things they’ve done/said as I’d hate them to be embarrassed as they get older. I was asked recently for my son to do some modelling for a national campaign and I said no to that too; I feel that any sharing of my children’s photo carries risk and actually I’d rather wait until they can make these decisions themselves. I personally would hate my photo shared all over the Internet! That said I do share the odd picture because I’m proud of them and I know that extended family and distant friends would like to see them.
I have a really disorganised set of ideas on this. Facebook is for very occasional special shots of events and holidays. Instagram is for more day to day special moments and stories has the nitty gritty. But it’s no nudity close ups (I felt bad even posting a distance shot of S riding her bike in the buff although you couldn’t see anything nappy area) and no identifiable uniform shots.
I really think that by the time they grow up the internet will have transformed yet again, so I’m more concerned about issues in the now. Most importantly how much time is spent taking image, sharing it, checking comments, when I could be more present actually playing with them. Oh mama guilt.
I am quite conflicted with regards this subject. I love seeing my friends/colleagues kids and happy occasions and sharing my own, but I am becoming more and more wary of who is looking at what and what their intentions are. I post less and less these days, I had an odd situation with spamming on my personal instagram account some months ago so switched it to private for a brief period whilst I figured it out. I couldn’t believe the amount of follow requests I received from accounts that didn’t look legitimate over such a short space of time – i.e. no profile picture, had never posted anything etc, it was as if they looked at my images without following me but then couldn’t hence the fake account and subsequent request. I found this very unnerving, who ARE these people? But then, who are the vast majority – it really is a minefield.
The nature of my job means it is very obvious what my child is called and the area in which I live. I try to be mindful of how much I give away, I’ve had some very direct questions on instagram before “Which village do you live in” or “I’ve just looked up the house you are buying on rightmove” (!) etc which I obviously avoid responding to – I’m sure they are innocent questions and they simply haven’t really thought about it but still, I am clearly not going to be posting that kind of detail on any kind of open platform.
It is a strange unstable world we are currently living in, I feel less and less inclined to share as much as I used to, which is a shame but as Lucy S said above, the internet is constantly transforming, so we are all navigating it as best we can.
My son is nearly 11 months and my husband and I made the decision from day one not to post his face all over social media. Not only are those pictures owned by someone else and out there for the world to see (even if profiles are set to private) but we felt like he should have the option one day to make his own decision about this, as we all did. It’s lovely as people are excited to see photos when I see them in person, or ask to see us more often because they haven’t seen him regularly online.
This is completely our choice though and I respect others decisions to do otherwise. It’s hard sometimes as of course we are so proud of him and think he’s the cutest baby!! Hehe. I get a bit artistic with photos and still occasionally post pictures of him from behind etc. I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy seeing photos of other people’s children – especially those we don’t get to see very often. It’s a tricky subject but I’m happy with the decision we’ve made.
I think that if my kids are older and they don’t like something Ive posted I can delete it. When the kids get to about five I start showing them the pictures I want to share and checking with them if thats ok to share. In my naice middle class world I find Facebook all about sharing updates on life with people from school/uni/old jobs etc (and funny memes..). Pretty strict privacy settings on Facebook.
Sometimes I find myself feeling that people who are very careful not to post pics of their kids are exaggerating the risks and in a way giving in the ‘nasty’ on social media.
At the same time I leave my instagram public and am careful to share very few identifying/full face photos. Less guarded on stories.
I would never EVER post nudey pics of my kids anywhere on the internet.
We also made a decision before our son was born not to share any pictures on social media. We aren’t on Facebook or twitter so it was really just Instagram. At times it has been difficult, especially when family members or friends take pictures and either put them online without asking or ask and I have to say no, it can be awkward and cause tension but I’m determined to stick to my guns. I have some very close friends who share a lot online, including the bathtime and naked pictures and I have to admit that this makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s personal choice but having worked in childcare and social services I know how dangerous the internet can be and how your innocent picture isn’t that innocent to someone else. It scares me a little!! If I can do one small thing that protects my child from that unnecessary exposure then why not?
I made the decision recently to start posting only the back of Lyra’s head on Instagram. I keep meaning to set up a private Insta when I get around to it! I share a bit more on Facebook (but never bath pictures etc) and have regular ‘culls’ of Facebook friends.
I try and keep a bit of balance to it. I do share pictures but try and keep it to a minimum. I think Facebook is terrible for privacy. Once a picture is on there it is no longer yours and I try remember that every time.
Sometimes I see pictures put on Instagram and think, wow, have they really thought about how much they’re sharing to complete strangers? And it’s not just children. There is someone I follow on Instagram, in the bridal industry. I know where she lives, her business is registered there and it is easily available information. She then post pictures of designer handbags, shoes expensive cars, when she goes on holiday etc etc I often wonder whether she ever thinks of her own security. Maybe her house is actually fort Knox.
I’m actually really glad you’ve raised this issue as it is something that I have often thought over of the last year or so. I often see posts from insta mums and wonder if they’ve really thought it through. There are some where from the information they’ve shared, I could find out where they lived in less than 5 minutes on the internet. And I know what there children look like, where they go to school etc. And if your career depends on that, then I don’t know what the answer is. I guess others are more comfortable with sharing that level of information publically than I would be.
I occasionally post pictures of my boys on Facebook but have the highest privacy settings. I sincerely hope that they wouldn’t fall in to the wrong hands. I do believe that we shouldn’t always think so negatively although I’m not naive enough to think the world is just a happy place. If only.
I don’t post identifiable pictures on instagram of them as it’s not private. Nor would I say where I lived or they went to nursery. On the topic of nursery, I have said yes to photos there, I don’t my son to grow up feeling he’s missed out and why isn’t he on the wall along with the others. Also I don’t want him to grow up scared of the world. It’s a sad time when we worry about putting a photo of our children for friends / family to see.
I just want to be a little more provocative here, and say I feel the kids online arguments are often used as a stick to beat mummy bloggers and grammers and are connected to a nasty rhetoric trying to get women to shut up online- one you see in certain newspapers and groups. It’s definitely a flavour of virtue signalling too, “won’t somebody think of the children” etc. That said I do worry that the stalking risk for online celebs must be as high as for some traditional celebs but I don’t see them having the same physical security resources.
While I’m sure there are unpleasant people around I imagine they can sadly find images more to their taste on the dark web as opposed to scrolling through endless baking and interiors Insta shots to find my child in there. Is that naive? I don’t know.
Has there been an abuse case where a young child was stalked via their parents social media? Isn’t it still more likely that a moment of inattention (as shown on the drama with Cumberbatch on this week) is more likely to pose an actual risk?
But then what are we doing it all for! Do I need Insta in my life? Is it selfish? Is the pleasure I get worth the spectre? I don’t know.
Those of you who are asking “am I being naive?” I would respectfully say yes, I’m afraid you are.
I can tell you with absolute confidence that paedophiles will keep hundreds or thousands of otherwise ‘innocent’ or ‘legal’ photographs of any child or children who they feel drawn to. I can also say that they will go lengths that we – normal, good people – couldn’t begin to understand, to get them.
I can say this because it’s happened to children close to me and my family.
Whether you don’t care, or are happy that it probably won’t ever happen to your child, then that’s fine. That is your choice.
I’m not saying here that we should all get hysterical and take all of our photos down. I’m saying that yes, it happens, so let’s not be naive to it. I’m saying let’s maybe be aware of the risk – big or small – and take a measured approach when sharing.
These are our children and we all do what’s best for our families. There’s no right and wrong.
But that’s just it Karen we don’t hear from people who have seen the foulness first hand very often. Because you know you have a much better idea of the risks.
We live in our insulated bubbles believing that others are good and kind. An unpleasant individual could easily see my child out and about and store their mental image and go back to the same place (park shop wherever) for another fix. I feel sick thinking about that and about them using images online too, so maybe need to change things or go back and delete.
As you say it’s choices but I’m worried we aren’t making informed ones. We just share because we are enchanted by the technology and love the dopamine hit of likes and think about it later.
I’m also thinking that the big social media giants need to be held to account a lot more in these narratives.
Could a member of safeguarding team within the police or social services provide a viewpoint RMF?
This is a very good idea. I’ll see who we can contact/get involved.
I also agree it is naive to think someone will not scroll through numerous pictures to find one of a child. In a different context I once had an ex-colleague go through over ten pages of posts on my Facebook and then go to my boss because I mentioned my work online (nothing serious – just which company it was). When I checked my settings I noticed that it was on ‘friends and friends of friends’. I did a bit of ‘research’ myself and found only one person I worked with was a mutual friend of someone, so I knew who it was and exactly how long they had spent stalking my account. Goodness knows why – seriously, I’m so boring!
I have been told by a safeguarding officer that photos of children are taken and often manipulated – not just used as posted. Even if a picture shows a child in a nappy the photo is often doctored to remove the nappy, or their face put on a different body, and this kind of doctoring goes even goes further to manipulate the child into sexual scenes. These photos are easily circulated and unfortunately there are a lot of sickos out there with the demand for it.
In my work I do occasionally hear of occasional cases of sex offenders and I have to be honest, it is pretty scary how many there are in society. I know of someone living around the corner from my parents in a very much a family area close to several schools.
As much as we don’t want to lose the innocence of children, we as adults so need to be aware of the realities of the world and the internet and do our best to protect our kids.
In my line of work I’m afraid yes. Predators go on Instagram and find ‘famous’ bloggers and take their photos to be used as they wish. It’s a horrid horrid world we live in.
Each to their own as always. For my ‘own’, I share a very limited amount on line. Facebook privacy settings are woefully inadequate. Anything set by me is so easily over-ridden by the ‘share’ button (unless anyone can tell me differently?). Again it comes down to the behavior of others online and their own perceptions of what is acceptable. In the real world, most people would never dream of picking up a photograph in someones house and just taking it home with them. That’s how I see the share/take button. I can’t control others actions so I chose to control what is available for the taking.
I do use a private Instagram account and share a few back of/top of head shots there with a very small audience. I like photography so I find it helps me think more about what I’m doing in that regard but at just 41 shots over 2 years, I’m not ever going to be up for Instagram-er of the year!
It will be interesting to see in 5 – 10 years time, what the kids featured online today in their parental blogs will make of their online legacy.
And as I re-read that last sentence, there is the crux of it…..there’s an interest for it!
I don’t have kids but my feeds are mostly taken up by pictures of friends and family’s children these days. I have cousin who lives in Australia so she wants to share as much of her children with family as possible and has set up a closed group on Facebook. Other people just have private accounts. A lot of people I know have public social media accounts and they put numerous pictures of their children with a lot of details of where they regularly go.
I have two issues with public pictures of children – the obvious being safety – and the second being the children’s wishes in the future.
In terms of safety there is the obvious concern of paedophiles and photos being used without the parents awareness, but also, as I mentioned before, the amount of information people put about the children’s whereabouts, likes and dislikes etc. With the public accounts you just do not know who is accessing the information and their intentions. Or even if your accounts are private, you do not know who has access to ‘friend’s’ accounts and whether they can see what you post.
In terms of taking children’s wishes into account I think it is only fair to think about them growing up and what they want people to see of themselves online. I have a few friends who post every detail of their children’s lives including regular photos of naked toddlers running round and poonami’s etc. I know people love to show off their kids, and the realities of motherhood, but to me I think there can be oversharing which the children may find embarrassing as they get older.
There’s nothing wrong with sharing milestones, cute pictures and family days out. I just feel you need to think about whether your child will want people to see their bare bottom online in years to come.
The post has got to me today…randomly all day long I’ve been picking up my phone, looking at my FB and insta accounts and worrying I’ve shared too much of my child and toying with the idea of just deleting the whole lot and ‘disappearing from the internet’. I have been known to regularly use insta stories, snap chat and in the year and a half of being a mummy I have also regularly posted photos. Now I’m worried it’s gone too far and I don’t really know how to reverse the damage, if you know what I mean? Do I go through bit by bit and delete every photo I ever posted? Then how do you handle ones posted by my partner / grandparents / auntie uncles ect? Or ones that have been shared? Where do you even begin. It feels overwhelming and I feel like Alice and I’ve just fallen down a social media photos rabbit hole. I have deleted my Twitter account this afternoon which linked to insta photos and I have never ever posted nudey / bath photos but I have totally gone to town with the cute baby photos and I don’t know how to limit those already out there. It’s scary and quite overwhelming isn’t it? How do I ever take back my child’s first year and make it private again, when the damage is already done. Especially as I’m not sure things truly disappear from the internet do they? So conflicting as well because I do love scrolling through my timeline of photos and looking at teeny tiny baby photos and seeing how much my child has changed. It makes my heart hurt the thought that those little moments in time would be ‘gone’ and I wouldn’t be able to pick up my phone and ever share anything again. I just can’t get my head around this one today, but it’s certainly made me think!
This is exactly how I’ve felt today. Thanks for making me feel I’m not alone in wondering if I can wipe the internet and worrying about what has already happened.
Thanks RMF for a grown up conversation about this.
Pleasure Lucy. It’s been so interesting (and slightly overwhelming) reading all of your thoughts on the matter. My husband isn’t on any social media at all, he understands the requirement to keep in touch with friends and family but openly says it’s simply a platform for weirdos to stalk or for folks to show off/brag/moan (for the majority of people). He appreciates I do what I do for work as much as anything and it’s all part of the bigger (brand building) picture but we don’t really discuss it in any detail. All of this has definitely made me think today. A lot.
Hi Charlotte, my husband also isn’t on social media for the same reasons you mentioned above. It has also got me thinking too. I’m about to go through my ‘friends’ lists on my social media accounts and check I am actually ‘friends’ with everyone on there! crikey o’reiley!
Me too… Been thinking about it a lot since yesterday. Gosh the mum guilt is very real! Before I posted any pictures of my son on Facebook I went through and sorted everyone into different friends lists, where less than a quarter can see the majority of the photos I post of him. Everyone else are either “acquaintances” or “restricted” meaning they can’t see much of what I post.
Instagram I do post more but am thinking of posting less now. Might even go through and delete some.
Never post nudey or bath pics. I think I’ve only posted a couple of nappy pics and that’s just because he is in cloth nappies and they are too cute!
In such a quandary now as to whether to just cull on Facebook rather than trusting the privacy settings and hold back on insta now.
Gosh, all so interesting. I have nothing new to add, I don’t share photos of my child (well, one when she was born) because I don’t know what career path she will take and I don’t want any childhood photos to have any impact on that. I also don’t know about all the online predators but the basic knowledge that the world exists scares me enough to never post publicly (well in any capacity on Facebook or other platforms, apart from aforementioned post which now that I’ve thought about things again I may delete…). I share via Whatsapp with friends and family, and even that makes me question how secure it is (if anyone knows I would be very interested to hear more). I don’t post anything remotely interesting on Instagram, private or otherwise. But I do completely understand why others do, and selfishly I love catching up with friends “from afar” and seeing what is going on in their world. I just don’t do it myself. Interesting discussion RMF, thank you as always!!
Hmmm, I’ve always kind of thought that parents who don’t post any photos of their kids online are a bit overly paranoid but I must admit I’m re-thinking today! I’ve just made my insta private and gone through my followers and blocked anyone who looked dodgy (either I don’t know them or they’re not a fellow mum account who look innocent!). I never post naked photos anyway and don’t post a lot on Facebook but I’ve just tightened up my privacy settings on there too. It’s a scary world and it’s hard to find the balance – I don’t want to totally come off social media and never post anything but I certainly don’t want any weirdos ‘stalking’ my photos and knowing details about us. I don’t post personal info or anything my kids would feel embarrassed about in future I don’t think… I must admit I love following instamums and seeing their lives but I do think about how much info they give away online. It would be very easy with a lot of them to identify exactly where they live, schools, places they go etc… that would worry me personally x