Next week marks the milestone of Hector starting nursery for the first time and I’ve got a serious case of the mummy wobbles. In fact if I’m being totally honest I’ve actually been putting off writing this post for a while now because somehow getting it down on paper makes it all that little bit more real.
I’m aware that I’ve had it pretty damn good on the childcare front since I started back to work last year. My mum has selflessly sacrificed two and a half days of her week to look after Hector and Ste steps in for another half a day to allow me to write for all three blogs on a weekly basis amongst other things. It’s saved me a whole heap of money but more importantly I knew that Hector was with the people who love him most. Plus I could always pop downstairs at a moment’s notice and have a quick cuddle whenever he or I wanted one. But this arrangement can’t continue, at least not in its current form and with the need to increase the hours in my working week and my desire to give my mum her life back I made the decision to start looking at nurseries late last year.
Time flies doesn’t it when you least want it to. Suddenly it’s the end of February and the forms are all filled in and he’s enrolled and ready to go and I want to cry my heart out. And actually I have done…on more than one occasion.
I know as I write this that I’m being completely and utterly daft.
If I put my rational hat on then I know that he’ll be absolutely fine; the nursery has fantastic facilities and the staff are all really lovely and super kind and give lots of cuddles to boot. Plus one of my best friends has a little boy who attends the same nursery and the pair of them play together frequently so it’s not like he won’t know anyone at all. And I know there’s a whole heap of studies which say it’s great for them to socialise with other children and that they’ll learn tonnes from such intense interaction at this age.
But…
And it’s a big ‘BUT’. An emotionally charged mummy ‘but’. I can’t help but feel that I’m letting him down. I feel so incredibly guilty that it makes me catch my breath, grit my teeth and gives me uneasy butterflies in the pit of my stomach.
So far we’ve had a series of hourly ‘stay and play’ sessions where we both pop along to his nursery, meet his ‘teachers’ and get that little bit more familiar with the room he’ll be playing in whilst I’m gone. He’s been tentative; he’s a shy character anyway and naturally cautious and whilst we’re at it a total mummy’s boy. But we’ve got through it and he’s even ventured off on his own and explored the room whilst I sit back and talk to other mums going through the same thing. So far, so good.
And then for the last two Mondays I’ve left him…just for a little while and no more than an hour at a time whilst I sit upstairs in the staff room. He’s sobbed the whole time I’ve been gone (I’ve heard him) and I feel as if my heart is breaking in two. How do you explain to a 16 month old that it’s just for a little while and that mummy will always come back. You can’t. I imagine that he feels abandoned, alone and completely bewildered. I feel like the sh*ttiest person in the world.
And next week it’s only going to feel worse. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve been reading this book by Steve Biddulph which suggests that boys should be looked after by close family members rather than childcare specialists until the age of three because of the potential emotional repercussions. If I didn’t feel horrendous already then I feel exponentially worse now. Potentially by sending Hector to nursery I could be emotionally harming my child….
I’m also conscious that he won’t be small forever and that I’ll never be able to get this precious time back. I’m incredibly lucky that I work for a company that allows me to be so flexible with my working arrangements – as it stands and going forward there’ll be a decent proportion of the day where I’ll be able to still spend time with him. But, I can’t help asking myself whether the financial gain will really be worth it? Are the extra hours in nursery and thus the consequential financial flexibility worth his babyhood? I can’t quite bring myself to stomach the answer.
I know I’m not the only mum to feel this way. I’m not the first and I certainly won’t be the last mum to experience these kind of emotions so please don’t think I’m trying to lay claim to the ‘Guiltiest Mum’ crown. I suppose I’m sharing my experiences here so that I can hear what you have to say, to listen to your own experiences, to see how you got through the nursery pain barrier and what methods you used to help both you and your baby adjust.
I’d love to hear what you have to say below….
Image by Little Beanies
Just starting to research nurseries in our area for later in the year, and already I feel awful! 8-6 seems like such a long day for such a small child. Would also like to hear experiences of those who’ve gone through this with babies. X
Oh Lolly! Your post has made this pregnant lady well up on her commuter train! My heart goes out to you. It must be a massive transition for you both. I have no experience of this but will do in a year or so once baby is born and I will go back to work after my mat leave. But my advice would be stop reading that book! You can only do what you feel is right for you and your family and ultimately that will be the best for Hector too xx
Sophie I’m sorry! I hope someone offered you a tissue. Your words hit the nail on the head for me about doing what you feel is right and how that will be the best for Hector too – thanks doll xx
Lauren I can really relate to this post as this was my position 3 weeks ago when my 9 month daughter started nursery. We live 250 miles away from any family so this was our only option.
Without a doubt there has been challenges, one being a phone call on week 2 from the nursery to say she was very poorly and that I would need to collect her. i felt I had let her down when she needed me most and that week there were many tears.
We are now on week 3 and things are going really well. I suppose motherhood is all about the ups and the downs and you have to ride through them the best you can.
I found the buildup/anticipation of her going to nursery much worse than the reality.
She adores it and I’m sure your little boy will too. It may take a while for both of you to adjust to the new set up but I’m sure in a few months time you will be settled in your new routine and if it doesn’t there are always other options.
Sending you lots of love and hoping it all goes really well xx
Hannah I’m expecting lots of phone calls about the numerous sniffles he’s bound to pick up. Luckily my mum has agreed to help out if needs be so that my working hours aren’t affected too badly if he’s ill. It’s good to hear that things are going well for you on week three – I’m hoping Hector settles in as smoothly as your baby xx
Lolly, I feel your pain but it will be ok. I promise. Molly was 13 months when she started nursery but I’d booked her in at 4 months (the waiting list was that long!). I guess when I planned it all it felt far too far away. The first day she started she cried lots, and every day after. I don’t think there was a morning I dropped her when she didn’t. But I knew she was ok and I knew once she got over that initial burst of tears she would be fine and play quite well till I picked her up. I wouldn’t say she loved it though. I hated that it was a long day, 8-6, and she never seemed to have her naps at nursery but she managed. I’m normally quite an emotional person but I somehow managed to not let it bother me. I guess I had so much to thing about in terms of getting her and me out the house, then driving the best part of an hour to work, full on days and then an hour back to get her, that I knew I just had to drop her and go. She was always so excited to see me at the end of the day and that made it so much better. Plus I was already pregnant again so knew she would only have to do it for 6 months!! So there’s your other solution!!! xxx
Lottie you’ve mentioned pretty much everything I’m feeling anxious about – the lack of naps, the crying and the Hector not loving it. One thing I have noticed after the silent treatment has subsided is how loving and cuddly he is when I have picked him up. I adore this side of him but it makes me feel even guiltier for having left him in the first place. I will persevere though (definitely not getting pregnant yet!) xx
Stop reading the book right now, or any other book that tells you childcare is harmful, unless you are going to give up work entirely and become a stay at home parent.
I made the choice to go back to work and found it incredibly difficult to leave my daughter at nursery, some days I still do despite her absolutely loving it there. I didn’t come back to work (solely) for financial gain though that is one reason. Mostly I came back because I wanted to – shock horror! My daughter gets an incredible amount of attention from me and my partner, we co-sleep, still nurse and I have spent the sum total of 1 night away from her in 2.5 years. Work is the one thing I have for myself! I still feel the mum guilt some days but ultimately it’s my own choice to work and I have to live with it.
This might not be very helpful or what you want to hear right now, but it’s true! Leaving them at nursery does get easier, but some of the things you say (“Are the extra hours in nursery and thus the consequential financial flexibility worth his babyhood?”) make me wonder whether you have made peace with your decision. You are very fortunate that you’ve not had to consider a nursery until Hector is a toddler and that you can afford decent childcare. I too was fortunate that I could take a year off work and return flexibly which allows me more time with my daughter. Many families simply don’t have these options and as a consequence women (it’s predominantly women) are forced into a situation where they have no choice at all. Perhaps some of those women will be able to comment and leave their experiences too.
Good luck with the nursery transition. I don’t have any tips to make it easier as I don’t think there are any – the only thing that works is being patient (and lots of chocolate when you get into work!)
I really feel for you. My son started nursery at 9 months because we both worked and had no other option and on the first morning, I sobbed all morning at how much I missed him and how quiet it was without him!
However, I strongly believe it is good for little ones to gain some independence and a good nursery helps their development no end. I think as mums we feel guilty whatever decision we make (I can only imagine how awful it was listening to him cry and not being able to go to him).
My mum was a stay at home mum until I was about 7. I was very much a mummy’s girl and found settling in to school really hard because I didn’t want to leave her. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, it was hard for my mum and me!
Luckily my son settled quickly and although there are odd days he doesn’t want to go to nursery, once he’s there he loves it. In fact, I’m so confident that it’s best for them that when my second child is born in a few weeks, I will want her to go to nursery at 9 months even if just for a few half days.
It is meant to be harder to settle them after a year old, so it may just take a bit longer. Hector will soon realise that you always come back. It’s just a big change for him (and you) but I am sure he will grow to love it.
Oh Joanna it was awful – I just wanted to rush down there and give him a huge hug but knew that it would make things worse so I stayed away. Talk about ripping your heart out of your chest. I really hope that he does grow to love it!
We’re in the process of getting signed up to nursery. We don’t start until July but that gives us plenty of time to get used to the idea and have lots of settling in sessions. My boss also wants me to take a similar approach to returning to work so I have my own re-settling in plan for work. We’re both going to take advantage of flexible working so that nursery will only be 3 days per week. Turned out after a visit to the first nursery on our search that I was not okay with full time nursery care. Not okay at at all. We don’t have other options for childcare so between a very considerate boss and flexible working guidelines, we’ve come up with a compromise.
On the point about the book, don’t beat yourself up based on one author’s view. For everyone who says something negative, there will be another giving all the positives.
My little boy was 10 months when we started him in nursery and sounds like he’s very similar to yours! A mummy’s boy and takes a long time to warm up in a new situation. We actually weren’t happy so we moved him to a different nursery after three months but both times it took less than two weeks for him to be happily toddling into nursery. He goes four days between 7:30 and 3:30 and he absolutely loves it. He’ll be two in a few weeks and I genuinely feel that he benefits from the structure and exposure to other children. The guilt never quite goes and you’ll always be his favourite no matter.what (that was one of my very selfish worries!) Good luck! Just get through the first couple of weeks and you’ll feel much better!
Advice taken on board Beck so thanks for that. I genuinely think he’ll love having a whole new room and group of friends to play with once he’s got over the initial shock. His teachers say that he’s obviously itching to get involved but he’s just too hesitant (some have said stubborn) to go for it. We’ll see how the first couple of weeks pan out…
I think what you need to try and do is to think of nursery as a positive rather than a negative. My little girl has learnt so much and tried so many new things in the last 18 months or so that she has been going to nursery. She gets messy play on a daily basis (I’m sorry but shaving foam and glitter is not happening in my house!), she bakes, she has gym class, she’s learning Spanish (which is very cute when her English isn’t even that great!); and she has so many little friends and is so sociable. There is nothing better than arriving at nursery at the end of the day to watch your little girl happily laughing and playing with other children without a care in the world!
I definitely notice the difference amongst my Mum friends in those children who go to nursery versus those who don’t. The nursery going children are far more sociable and outgoing and tend to have much better verbal skills than the non-nursery going lot. I’m not saying that one is necessarily better, but I think as a society we are so good at bashing parents who choose (or have no choice) to use a nursery, without considering the benefits that it can have.
You’re not the first person to say that they’ve noticed the difference Sara about kids who attend nursery and yes I wholeheartedly agree with you on the shaving foam and glitter shenanigans! It sounds like your little girl’s nursery is awesome! Spanish and gym and baking would definitely be up my street xx
I could have written this post a couple of months ago! My 14 month old is also a shy, overly cautious mom’s boy and we’re now on week four of nursery, the build up was horrendous! There was much messy crying and second guessing and in my case, he could have been looked after by the grandparents but honestly, I can see the (positive) changes in him already.
He’s becoming more adventurous, more willing to insert himself into social situations with other children and he’s unbelievably brilliant at sharing. You’ll go from fear and doubt to proud because I truly believe that if you pick the right nursery, it is a brilliant environment to be in and really does prepare them for the school environment.
You’re allowed to feel awful and sad but I promise it won’t last forever. And stop reading the stupid book, generations of boys have gone to nursery and they’ve turned out pretty decent ?
Christie your experience with your baby boy is so good to hear and exactly what I needed today. One of the upsides I’m hoping he’ll get from nursery is a greater sense of confidence and from that less of a shock when he actually starts school plus I do love a hand drawn picture too 😉
It really is making a difference Lolly, I was extra anxious because he seems so cautious but he’s settling in well! We still have tears when he’s dropped off, (I’m a coward so I make my husband do that part) but the girls are great and he’s always having a cuddle when I pick him up.
I *may* have had a little tear last week when he came home with a valentines card and some chocolates…those parts are amazing!
That book sounds like a really bad idea! Both my boys started nursery at 10 months old, I can’t guarantee there isn’t lasting damage but they both seem like very well adjusted little chaps…who knows!
I think the key is being happy with the nursery that you have chosen. We were very lucky to find one that really complimented our style of parenting…learning through play, outdoor ethos. I never felt like I was abandoning them because I new that they were getting the opportunity to do stuff at nursery that we would never do at home…trays full of really messy stuff like shaving foam.
There were days when they would cry and I would walk down the path to the sound of ‘MUMMY PLEASE DON’T GOOOOOOO’ and I felt crap BUT usually it would only last a minute or two and when I cam to pick them up they would be totally absorbed in an activity, interacting with other children and learning so many valuable lessons about how to be a wonderful independent little person!
It is really hard (doesn’t get any easier waving them off to school!) but honestly, the good totally outweighs the bad and once you have both adjusted to the new routine you will love watching them develop bonds with key teachers and friends. It’s also really lovely seeing other adults, their teachers, sharing your pride at them reaching milestones and developing.
We are currently nursery hunting for July. I have cried. A lot. We live in London and the few nurseries I have liked have been full for the next year, seems that people sign up when they are pregnant! It will only be for one or two days a week (pending flex working request- which so far hasn’t gone well) as he will be at his Nanas two days as well. I just feel horrible though. I guess a huge part of it is I haven’t found a nursery I really like (that’s available), he will be there for 10 hours a day which seems such a long time for a one year old, and both my husband and I have demanding jobs that entail longer hours and working from home in the evenings. I’m currently debating whether to take a career break and find something local, and a little less demanding. I both need and want to work in some capacity, but the nursery hunt is throwing up all sorts of questions!
Sorry for the long post- I’m trying to get this straight in my head at the moment!!
I totally feel from you, Anna. The nurseries in London are just so over subscribed. Even our local one which I thought looked dreadful ad I couldn’t bring myself to leave Anna there had an 8 month waiting list! We ended up with a childminder in the end and it’s working out really well so far, 5 months in already. The childminder search wasn’t without it’s problems either though. I’m quite lucky I can work from home a lot which if nothing else really cuts down on travel time. Companies should really offer that more where possible but it seems very rare.
That’s great to hear you found a good solution. I think we will go down the childminder route. I found a lovely lady but her hours are quite short, so it is really dependent on my flex working requests. You’re right, companies should do more, I think we have some catching up yo do with the rest of the world in supporting working mothers!
Oh gosh, my heart goes out to you Lolly! Sending Emmy to nursery was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do as a mummy. I cried for weeks and weeks beforehand and felt every feeling you’ve described above. People told me it would get better and I’d nod along but I just really couldn’t see how it was going to.
Anyway, roll on 10 months (and also a move and change of nursery – which included a lot more tears) and she now claps and shouts yay when we pull up to nursery. I seriously never thought, in those first few weeks and months, that we would get her, but seeing the joy she has for nursery, and the amount she learns and all the crafting she does (we got a lovely handmade valentines card last week), I know it was the right thing to do!
I’m so so sure you’ll get to this point too, just be patient! I should say as well that Emmy is quite a reserved and cautious little one too, so I understand your worries there too. I really think nursery has built her confidence though ?
Best of luck for next week, I found it helped to have someone to go back to and have a hug and a good cry when you’ve dropped him off xxx
Tabitha I’m doing exactly what you said you did – the whole nodding along thing -when everyone says that he’ll be absolutely fine so it’s reassuring to know that firstly it’s ok not to really believe it at first and then secondly that things do work out in the end. Emmy sounds like a trooper too! My mum will be around on Monday so I’ll probably go back and sob until it’s time to pick him up again xx
Hi Lauren
What a rediculous book! I would stop reading that right away. My son went to nursery at 9 months old and he absolutely loves it – he has come on leaps and bounds and learnt so much. Definitely focus on the positives here and like Sophie said – it’s great that your son has spent his baby years with you and his family – I really wish I had that with my son but didn’t have any other choice and had to go back to work 4 days a week, 40 minutes away. I’m sure he’ll get on absolutely fine, good luck! x
I went back to work when Pat was 9 months old and due to my part time request being turned down he is in nursery 4 days a week (he spends one day with grandma)
He has been fine and didn’t take him long to start holding his arms out to the girls who work there in a morning (the boy is a serious flirt!)
The hardest times are when he is ill, like this week we’ve had full on tears every morning, I can feel 6 molars coming through, and I think it’s the after effects of his mmr jab, I feel terrible leaving him. But I don’t have much choice and I know he will settle down after a cuddle with his favourite member of staff.
He has come on leaps and bounds since starting nursery, using a spoon to feed himself, starting walking at 11 months and does things we wouldn’t have time for like crafts and he adores being with other children.
I agree with whoever said put that book down right now!!
You’ll be ok after a couple of weeks and you are both used to it, and he will enjoy it eventually, however long it takes xx
Thanks Claire – I really hope Pat perks up and that those blasted molars come through and stop giving him grief very soon!
Stop reading that book! I’m reading this post while at work and Spencer is spending the day with Grandma, tomorrow he’ll be with Nana and Grandad and I know I’m spoilt that we have family that love spending a day with him, and he’s so lucky to get family time while I’m at work. But on a Friday for 9 whole hours he is at nursery and while after 2 months he still cries when I leave I’m reassured by the fact when I pick him up it’s tales of full bellies and long naps and lots of fun times. It’s hard, but it is not damaging, he’s interacting, he’s learning that mummy does come back but that he’s ok with new and different faces. I do feel like sh*t when I leave him but it’s mainly because I don’t get to spend the day with him not because he’s missing out, children are resilient and amazing and it means I treasure the time I do have with him. Do I wish I didn’t have to work and could be at home? Yeah. But we can’t be a one income family and it is nice to do something different for 3 days a week than be a mum, and you know what I won’t be made to feel guilty for feeling that. Everyone has to manage their family in different ways, as is the way of the world nowadays, but you shouldn’t feel guilty if that includes a nursery, if it was so bad then there would be hundred and thousands of children growing up damaged from a nursery experience, and it simply isn’t the case. Put the book down and let Hector enjoy his new adventure. xx
I completely understand how you feel Lolly. I went back to work when Zoe was 8 and a half months, and I felt terrible. She had never been away from me for more than an hour and she was still so small. We had a trial where we went for an hour one day (I stayed; it was fine), the next day I left her for an hour – she cried the whole time. On the third day, I had to leave for 3 hours and when I pulled into the car park to collect her, I could hear her crying FROM OUTSIDE. I have never felt worse, but I had to go back to work and I had no choice. It was awful. The next week things began to improve, but if I’m honest, I’m pretty sure she was stressed and a bit unhappy for the first few weeks and as a result, so was I. But on the plus side, she’s been there 4 months now and she’s totally fine. She seems to like it and has really progressed developmentally since she started there. One downside is, she’s had loads of sniffles as it’s a germ factory! Honestly though, Hector will be fine, but you’ll need to give him a good few weeks to settle in. Nothing will make you feel good about it now, but the first time you drop him off and he reaches out to one of the staff, you’ll feel better. But you must put that book in the bin. You are a great mum and you’re doing your best for Hector. He’ll still be with you loads of the week and he’ll get the best of both worlds by being in daycare some of the time and at home with you for the rest. I know there are loads of childcare theories out there, but all kids are different and you have to do what you need to for your own circumstances. You won’t ‘damage’ him – he has a mummy and daddy who adore him, and that’s all any child needs. xx
Thanks for your honestly Tracy – I have a feeling that it’s going to take Hector a little bit longer to settle than most but who knows he could very well surprise me! I’m fully prepared for the ‘germ factory’ – I think I’m the last of my NCT friends to send my baby to nursery and they’ve all shared their stories of colds caught week in, week out. That’s them too by the way! Oh the joys!
My little one started nursery the week he turned 1, somehow I found it easier that he was 1 and not 11 months, but he still seemed so little! We had one week of intense settling in and it was hell on earth. He was miserable, I was miserable, his nap times and meal times were all thrown out of sync etc. However, the following week he started 3 days a week 8.30am-5pm and we have never looked back. As soon as it was part of his normal routine he settled in almost instantly. It took a week or so for him to get used to napping on the floor surrounded by kids and toys and we have picked up a fair few bugs but apart from that it has been a dream! He’s been there happily for 8 months now and he’s made some great friends and has an amazing bond with his keyworker. Other unexpected benefits are that he eats SO much better at nursery than he does at home (he even eats vegetables!) plus he gets to socialise and try out all sorts of activities that he wouldn’t if he was with me all week which makes me feel less pressured and able to just enjoy our days together.
Basically, what I am trying to say is that the anticipation is so so much worse than the reality and once he is used to going on a regular basis you will both be absolutely fine, I promise 🙂
Martha the eating extra vegetables has got to be a massive positive if ever I heard one! Let’s hope Hector follows your little boy’s lead!
I could have written this post word for word when I sent my 11 month old off to Nursery. I had no choice. She was so attached to me emotionally and physically (had to force her to wean of the breast) It was awful. And she was still so tiny. I put myself through hell and the guilt I felt was ridiculous. Now I look back and think, what on earth was I thinking. It took Freya 10 whole weeks to “settle” if you can even call it that. What I mean is by week 11, she wasn’t screaming the place down when I left in the morning. That was the moment when it all changed and I’ve never looked back. She just LOVES nursery now and I love the days she is in Nursery because they do everything you ask of them…by the book! and Freya gets to do lots of stuff I can’t do with her at home. She runs in there “happy happy joy joy” (as she says) every Wednesday and Thursday and the difference it’s made in her is remarkable. She’s more confident and playful than ever before.
I know it doesn’t seem like it now but I promise…this is not a decision you’ll regret and both you and Hector will reap the rewards very soon!
Ah I really feel for you Lolly. My little one’s just started nursery at nine months (only two days a week for now) and the first couple of sessions were heartrending as he was just getting used to everything. There were some full on sobbing sessions! But he is so much better now, has big smiles for his lovely keyworkers as soon as he sees them, and just seems very happy to see the other bubbas. I would take the Steve Biddulphs book with a huge pinch of salt, as I understand it a lot of his ideas are based on very outdated research from Australia and I just don’t feel it’s applicable to 2016 UK. It’d be lovely if we did all have the option of looking after our children exclusively until school age, but for most of us childcare is a necessity both financially and from a career perspective. Books like these are just completely unhelpful, as well intentioned as the author may be!
I felt much the same as you Lauren, but now I never look back. Our babies are exactly the same age (think Hector is maybe a few days older?!) and our little girl started nursery back in September. She goes for two mornings a week and then family members, as I work a four day week. I felt guilty, sick, traumatised and all of the emotions you’ve mentioned above. Bronwen is a very shy and reserved child by nature and cried buckets during settling in session, that I wondered if the heartache was worth it.
She is now absolutely thriving. She’s confident, had acquired some sign language, loves her key workers, gets to socialise and join in with the nature school they have and so much more. I don’t regret it for a second. They also do all of the lovely messy stuff, so I don’t feel too guilty not doing as much paint, sand, gloopy play as we should. It means the days I have with her are much more focused and cuddly and special. We are lucky we are both teachers too and spend the holidays as a family, but we do still take her to nursery those days too! He will be fine, I promise you. He will know how much he is loved. Xxx
Ahhh Rhiannon you’ve just made me cry! I think that’s one of my biggest concerns/worries that somehow by ‘leaving’ him at nursery he’ll take that as me rejecting him in someway. I know that this is utterly and completely irrational by the way! He is very very much loved as all our babies are xx
Lolly, definitely put that book down. What a load of rubbish and its certainly not going to help your state of mind now that you have made the decision to go with nursery. My daughter had to go when she was 8 months old as I’m self employed and wedding season was coming round. I think I drove my husband insane, constantly going on about how on earth Isla was going to handle being away from me two days a week, WITH STRANGERS and how will she sleep in a room full of other children. Honestly, my anxiety was through the roof and I dreaded the day. Sure enough, it came around and I had to take her. I felt sick but I promised my husband that I would be strong and not let her see me cry. I dropped her off, took a deep breathe and walked away. It felt so wrong to do that to her but I had to do it so I could get on with my job. When I came back to collect her that afternoon she was screaming and seeing her in that state set me off too. I’ll never forget that afternoon! One of the amazing nursery nurses put her arms around me and told me not to worry. Its completely natural to feel like this and they’d find it more bizarre if I wasn’t struggling with leaving her in a strange place. She told me she’d given many a mum a big cuddle on their child’s first day. Amazingly, Isla’s second day was totally different, I kept calling to check on her and they reassured me that she was absolutely fine. Telling me what she was up to. From then on, I was ok, it took a week or two but we both settled into it and I can’t tell you how much a adore her nursery now. The staff are incredible and Isla has certainly come on leaps and bounds since joining. It was most certainly the right thing for her. Don’t get me wrong, I worried and worried and worried about her naps for months, as she never sleeps as well there as she does at home but I just make sure she goes to bed earlier on nursery days.
Just keep calling the nursery, even if its every hour, just to check he is ok. They won’t mind and I’m sure they will reassure you that he is getting on ok. Good luck with next week. He will love it and they really do get so much out of nursery that you can’t always do at home. He will also make great friendships with the other children. Isla has the cutest best buddy, who has been with her from the start and we now go out on play dates together x
Katy that’s a fantastic tip about ringing the nursery – I’m sure they’ll be sick of me by the time I go to pick him up. It’s great to hear that Isla is thriving now despite the tearful start. Apparently one of the other children tried to dry Hector’s tears the other day and that set me off completely. Kids can be so kind as well as cruel and I hope Hector is lucky enough to have a best buddy like Isla has too.
Waahh this made me cry…..I cry at everything since having Martha, what’s all that about!?
I’m the other side of the coin and not going back to work any time soon and yet I worry that I’m holding M back/not allowing her to socialise enough/making her more clingy ect and to be honest on difficult days at home with her, the though of working full time sounds wonderful!
I don’t think any situation is perfect and whatever you do there is some sort of compromise, but we all just do our best and I think that’s the main thing.
I’m sure Hector will love nursery once he settles in. X
Jane if it makes you feel any better I cry all the time at totally random things. I think I cried at Emma Dodd’s book ‘Happy’ the other day – what’s that all about?!
I don’t really have anything to say that hasn’t been said already but really wanted to offer you some more support. My son has been at nursery 5 days a week 8.30am to 6.30pm for a month now (he’s 11 months). Prior to nursery he was with me 24/7 and is definitely a mummies boy – he would cry if I left him in the living room to go next door into the kitchen and as soon as he could crawl he followed me everywhere. When hanging out with his NCT friends he’d always keep an eye on me to make sure I was still around. The first few settling-in sessions were absolutely horrific – the look of horror/betrayal/confusion on his face when I left him is something that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget. I sat in the coffee shop next door and cried for an hour! For a week or so he would cry when I dropped him off and picked him up and I was on edge the whole time he was there. But now there is no crying on either drop off or pick up and he reaches for his key carer as soon as he sees her. I genuinely think he enjoys it at least some of the time and I’m starting to relax. I also read the Raising Boys book which stressed me out so I didn’t finish it! My son is still the same little boy – I still can’t make a cup of tea without him clinging to my leg – but I’ve noticed no change in his temperament or behaviour since he started nursery. The nursery tell me now that the only time he cries is when he’s waiting for food (which he does with me too). All I can say is that it will take some time and some guilt but I promise it will get better. As an aside, there’s no avoiding the coughs/colds/hand, foot and mouth (!) that will come your way, but that is all part of mixing with other people and will happen at school anyway. xx
These boys and their mums eh? Hector always keeps his eye on me too and tends to be a bit of a handholder whenever we’re in a new environment which is cute but not great for those times when I’m not around. It’s funny you’ve mentioned temperaments because I really don’t want him to change. I’d love him to develop his confidence and independence but I still want him to stay true to who he is and worried that nursery would change that. It’s good to hear that your little boy is still the same and if we’re being really truthful I think we’d all cry for food when we’re hungry if we were allowed to….
I don’t think there’s anyone that can put their hand on their heart and tell you that starting nursery was easy, for them or for you. It’s a huge transition for you both, in terms of marking the end of an era where you’re responsible for everything that your little one does and learns to one where your little person is making their first independent steps into the real world. I was heartbroken when my daughter started nursery 3 days’ a week aged 13 months and am equally heartbroken now that i have to increase that to 4 days’ a week now she’s turned 2, even though I picked the best nursery that I could find in our area. My daughter found it very hard to adjust initially so we took introducing nursery as slowly as we could given work commitments and I felt so incredibly guilty, but looking back now I can see that she’s learning things that she wouldn’t with me including from older children that she wouldn’t otherwise mix with in our social group, she’s better able to stand her ground, she has learned to nap properly during the day while there and eats more than she ever does at home, and I honestly feel that she’s a better rounded little person because of it all. It also makes our time together all the more special. Inviting some of her little nursery friends to her recent birthday party was especially sweet! It will be hard but it will be fine given a little time. Good luck!
I’m sure there are books containing every opinion! I think it’s the same as googling any illness – if you put in ‘stubbed toe’ you’ll almost certainly find at least one link that explains why you’re going to need your leg amptated within a leg (probably both of them actually) or may be on the verge of death. I bet there are numerous books that say how good nursery is. Anyway my advice is get rid of the book!
My baby is on week 6 of nursery now. He’s 13 months old. He didn’t like being dropped off but settles very quickly and is then fine all day. I use to ring every morning to check in him but after two or three weeks stopped feeling the need to do so as I’m reassured he’s happy there. I think his key worker is great and I like handing him to the same person every day. He has breakfast when he arrived and this helps him settle too. He is already learning new skills – words, using a spoon to feed himself etc. And he likes being with the other children so although he is too young to play with them he’s usually next to them. I like having some ‘me’ time too. I also like my days off so I can still be with J then. It has been a change for us all but I think it’s a good thing and that he’s getting something out of being in nursery with our children. Good luck!!
So many typos in my post – sorry!!
Oh god, please put the book down! I read it too and it give me so many awful thoughts about my parenting. My family just aren’t quite close enough to take on childcare, and all of our local childminders were full up, so nursery was our only option. My son goes two days a week and has 3 days at home with me.
Despite me being against nursery (mainly because of that book) I love the one we chose – I knew as soon as we walked in the was ‘the one’. My son has settled in really well (and he is a pretty clingy child to be fair!), and it’s been great for his development. He’s 22 months now and he’s learned to do things there which I never could have taught him at home (for instance – at lunch, he collects everyone’s cups which have their photos attached, and he gives them out to all the kids!) He is generally a good sharer, very sociable, and I love that he is constantly busy at nursery with activities and fun things to do. I love that I don’t need to worry about if one of the workers is ill or goes on holiday, I love that there isn’t any tension if there is something I don’t want them to do with him (like there would be if my mum was looking after him – ‘another chocolate biscuit?’).
I think the right nursery can be a great environment for a child. I’m sure you’ve picked a wonderful place, and if you’re at all concerned, do give them a call – I would call occasionally when my son first started, or if he was particularly upset at drop off, and they were always happy to put me through to the room to reassure me that he was fine.
I think that book was written originally some time ago and is really out of date- nurseries are completely different and as more and more children go they just get even more fabulous. I’m not saying it’s not hard but as others have suggested there are lots of great things to look forward to for H.
S isn’t going to nursery so I feel bad about that! Is she going to end up some recluse? When we have rough days like today where I’m exhausted and trying to do housework and write and she won’t nap I think a professional would be doing so much better! my point is that we Mamas are always feeling guilty, any decision we make is second guessed by social norms.
H knows he is loved unconditionally and that is all any child really needs to thrive in my book. Everything else is just window dressing.
I totally understand how your feeling, I went through the same guilt ridden decision with my son. He only goes on Fridays!! I’m really lucky that the other four days of the week he is cared for by my mum or my mother in law.
We made the decision to send Fred to a montessori nursery because of the learning style, the fact there is a pre-school as part of the nursery means he will eventually still go somewhere he knows. We also didn’t want him to get to school age and then have an issue with separation anxiety.
He has been going since last October, and I’m not going to lie, he still cries when I leave him in the morning, I’ve been assured it doesn’t last longer then a couple of minutes. On the plus side, he has come so much out of his shell and his language is brilliant!
I know it’s hard, but in my experience it is really worth it!!!
Ah Lolly bless you. I was lucky enough to leave the boys with family members when I returned to work. But this wasn’t an option for Anabelle, so she has just starting going to a childminders. We too had the tears when she first started & it does literally rip your heart out of your chest, but I can honestly say she’s absolutely fine now and settled really quickly. I know she’s that much older, but children really do adapt and settle into new routines quickly. I think it takes us mummies longer to adjust, stay strong & you’ll soon notice a difference xxx
Hi Lolly. As a former student in childhood studies, I can promise you that almost all my lecturers when I was an undergrad didn’t hold the Biddulph book in particularly high esteem: in fact, what we most commonly used it for was looking at approaches to gender rather than approaches to parenting and childcare.
I’m not a parent so much of this I can’t possibly understand but I’m a trainee social worker and ex-nursery manager (hence my interest in blogs such as these) and it is very rare for any child to not cry the first few times. Sometimes it’ll be a few weeks, sometimes it’ll be a few months for the tears to settle down but I promise they will.
Phone constantly: if they’re any good, they won’t mind at all. If they’re really good, they’ll phone you! If they’re an Early Years Foundation Stage nursery, they will definitely have a camera: ask to see photos of Hector enjoying himself: I promise there will be opportunities for it!
Good luck! x
Hi Lolly!
Sending my little boy to a childminder was the hardest thing I’ve had to face as a mummy so far (and I count myself reasonably lucky as I didn’t return to work until he was 15 months). But now, 4 months in, I can hand on heart say that the build up was 110x worse than the reality. I feel silly that I tortured myself with my irrational fears during my last months off with him, tainting those precious last weeks. I too had made the mistake of reading some studies that suggest the first three years in a child’s life are the most important in terms of having one main bond and care-giver. And although this thought still flashes through my head from time-to-time, I can brush it off, rather than crumple in a heap of guilt on the floor. Theo took about 3 weeks before he was truly settled, but he absolutely loves it now! When I tell him where we are going in the morning, he can’t bring his shoes to me quick enough, and is waiting by the front door before I’m even ready to go!
It’s ok to feel like a crap mum for leaving him….but it’s also ok to realise that you aren’t!
Good luck x