I never really knew what the saying ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ really meant until I had Hector.
I mean I could understand the logic behind such a statement, the sentiment it was communicating but I didn’t really KNOW what it meant. Not in the sense of experiencing it first-hand. It was just one of those phrases you hear and accept, yet not really pay any attention to.
In fact I’ll be the first to admit that I probably still haven’t fully comprehended all the subtle nuances of the saying and I probably won’t until Hector is much older. But by god I’m at least 90% of the way there.
I’ve said before on both these pages and on Rock My Style too that I’m a self-confessed perfectionist and a bit of a control freak too. Throw in the fact that I abhor getting things wrong and I really don’t like asking for help either and you’ve not got the best combination of traits for a new mum to possess.
I was certain I could and I would do it all on my own.
How wrong can a girl be.? Hint: VERY.
I’m not saying that it’s not possible to parent on your own…far from it. It’s just that it’s a darn sight harder when you’ve got only two hands and you’re so tired that it hurts to open your own eyes. I take my hat off to those mums and dads who do it solo; you’re my heroes.
My mum is of the opinion that I subconsciously made the decision to get pregnant when I did i.e. whilst undergoing a (still continuing) massive house refurb which meant that we had to temporarily move into her house and therefore back into the bosom of the family. I still claim that the gin is to blame; her idea has merit though…When better to have a baby when you have so many helping hands a mere few meters away?
Even whilst pregnant with Hector I was insistent that despite living with so many members of my family that Ste and I would need to carve out a space to become our own intimate family of three. I think it confounded him at times, after all we are both incredibly family orientated and I’m lucky enough to adore all of his relatives and he mine. Why would we not want to involve anyone and everyone? I’m not sure why I became so fiercely protective of our gang of three and our privacy, perhaps I felt a bit space-invaded as Hector grew inside me although you’re not supposed to admit that are you…
When Hector was born the pressure to ‘share’ grew. Naturally everyone wanted to cuddle him, to hold him, to stare at all of his teeny tiny features and to generally celebrate the fact that he was here and to welcome him into their lives. And I loved that, I really did. But there was always the underlying sense of feeling encroached upon, of needing our own space, of wanting everyone to just back off for five minutes so that Ste and I could adjust to our new dynamics and I felt overwhelmingly guilty about that. Surely we needed to bring up Hector as a duo didn’t we, rather than relying on anyone else around us? I wanted us to fully embrace the responsibility that a new baby brings.
It took me rather a long time to accept help, that I couldn’t and didn’t need to do it all on my own and in fact there were benefits to be gained for both me and for Ste and for Hector from letting people in, by letting them share their advice and their own experiences too. After all, all they were doing was loving him and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact there’s absolutely everything right with that.
Once I’d got to grips with the fact that I wasn’t failing as a mother if I handed Hector over to one of my sisters whilst Ste and I got a vital hour’s kip in the early days or that actually it was ok to listen to someone else’s way of doing things even if at the end you didn’t always agree with it, things became suddenly easier. Life became easier. And as a result I became a better parent. My stress levels decreased and I was able to hear the advice given to me by those who had already trodden the parenthood path. Hector benefitted threefold.
And my family are still, even as I write this, helping me to raise my gorgeous boy. Both my mum and my middle sister help out with looking after him whilst I crack through my weekly to do list for all three blogs in the Rock My Ltd empire. Gary, my stepdad and Hector’s Grampa, is his swimming companion and they have a date every Saturday morning leaving me free to tend to the vegetable patch in the garden for that precious hour. I love that they all adore spending time with him, that he’s developing his relationship as they do so, teaching him things in their own way that perhaps I would do differently. Variety is the spice of life after all.
I love that Ste’s parents have had four boys and so are fully versed in all things masculine and rough and tumble and had five grandchildren already before Hector made his appearance. They are 24 carat gold and fully experienced grandparents and it makes my heart full that he knows to go to Nanny for more cheese and the sneaky biscuit and to Grandad if he wants to sled down the grass in their garden. They offer him their own life experience and wisdom in a way that Ste and I don’t have yet and he is all the richer for it.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel guilty asking all these family members to give up their precious time to help me bring up Hector. It’s true that I experience an attack of the guilts every time I ask my mum if she wouldn’t mind babysitting whilst Ste and I have a rare date night out or when I text my sister on a Thursday morning to check that she’s still ok to look after Hector the next day. I’m conscious that they have their own lives yet they give this up willingly and lovingly whenever I ask them for help; I absolutely could not function without them.
I’m not sure where this post is going particularly, only that I wanted to share my experiences as a mum of a 21 month old toddler so far. To show you that you’re not alone, that you don’t need to do it by yourself and that there are are benefits to be gleaned from sharing your parenting experience with others be they friends or family. It doesn’t, as I naively once thought, mean that you’ve failed in any way as a mum or dad.
Just remember it takes a village to raise a child.
Absolutely my love!
I had a little chuckle at your Mum saying you subconsciously timed Hector’s arrival, I bet she’s absolutely adored having this time with him too. Such a lucky little boy to be surrounded by so much love.
If there’s anything I’ve learned recently it’s that our support network have and will be absolutely vital to our family. Whether it’s cuddles from Nana, sisterly advice or my bezzies taking me out for gin and dancing.
Whatever form our modern villages take, everybody plays a part don’t they? Lovely post Lolly xxx
She’s adored it Karen and regularly says that she’s going to miss all of us so much when we move out. As you say your support network is intrinsic to the growth of your family – I don’t know what I would have done without those friends who also had kids within three months of Hector being born. We’re literally going through everything at the same time together. Love the ‘modern villages’ analogy too xxx
My daughter is now 1 and we live over 200 miles from family. The hardest part of being a parent has been doing it all on our own. If I could go back and do it again I would make sure we had support because it has been overwhelming and very stressful at times.
My sister is about to have a baby and she lives very close to our parents. I actually feel a little bit jealous about how different her experience will be – I hate that that’s how I feel though! Don’t think we ever fully appreciate how wonderful family is until they’re not on the doorstep anymore.
Although after saying all that if they suddenly moved in next door, I don’t know that would go down so well! Haha
Oh Rachel I know EXACTLY how you feel – we live a 3/4 hour drive from family too (takes longer with a little one as well) and I long to be able to have a few hours to myself occasionally! (Apart from working hours of course). It’s a juggling act between which one of you has the baby and it often feels like we don’t get any time as a couple – unless we ask friends to babysit.
I feel guilty complaining though as we have each other, and it was our choice to move to Cornwall, but it’s hard not to feel jealous when others have loads of support, don’t beat yourself up about it. And I totally know what you mean about wanting the help, but not having them live next door… talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it 😉
Rachel I absolutely take my hat off to you for the last year; it is so incredibly hard bringing up a baby even with family members around you so to do it just the pair of you must have been a slog at times. I think it’s completely natural to feel a bit jealous about your sister’s experience because it will be different, at least you’re being honest and up front about it. As you say I don’t think we ever fully appreciate something until it’s not available any more…I’ve never appreciated my mum more since Hector’s arrival in my whole life.
Well didn’t this post just make me cry my eyes out in my office? That hasn’t happened to me in a LONG time.
As someone who’s had to raise a child on the other side of the world without family support, the idea of Nanny cuddles and an hour of vegetable patch tending make my heart ache for home. Whilst I love and rely on my friends here for support, I wonder what having no family or grandparents around is doing for my boy’s experience of the world? Is he missing out? I feel the answer is yes. Which is why this post has touched such a nerve.
It makes me want to fly home today and have another bub, just to experience that kind of village. You’re right to count your lucky stars Lolly. That’s a precious little hub you have. All I can say is, God bless Facetime. This shit is hard, but without that ‘face to face’ contact with home, I think I’d find it damned near impossible.
This is how I feel too, but I’m only in Cornwall!!! I try to remind myself that there are other amazing experiences we’re giving them at the moment.
If it makes you feel any better my other half lived in Aus for a couple of years as a boy away from the extended family and he remembers it as the happiest, most fun and most free years of his whole life! I think it’s probably us that misses family more as the little ones don’t understand it yet xxx
Oh Naomi I really really didn’t want to make you cry lovely. It’s bloody hard isn’t it this parenting lark! It’s interesting that you see home as being back here rather than in Australia..do you think you’ll come back one day? As for your boy, like Fern says, you’re giving him the most amazing experiences over there – ones he will never forget and that’s pretty awesome. Huge hugs for you mama xx
My daughter is 16 months old tomorrow and 2 months ago my Mum, sister and niece all moved here (Nottingham) from my home shire of Bedford so we could all live near each other. And it has literally saved my life! Before that I pretty much did it all on my own (husband aside at evenings and weekends, and nursery for work). I genuinely don’t know how single parents do it.
I love my daughter but sometimes rearing a toddler is tedious and oh so challenging, so the extra company and occasional babysitting is amazing! We’re even planning a child free weekend trip to Bath soon.
Even though my Mum doesn’t do things exactly how I want them, and she’s a bit too ready with the chocolate my snacks for my liking, I am learning to chill out about the small things. Because the look on Juliet’s face when her Grandma comes round is amazing!
If we’re lucky enough to have a second child I’m looking forward to embracing the village rearing from the start! Hats off to anyone who’s not so lucky.. Xx
Your family sounds pretty damn fantastic Jennifer! Moving from Bedford to Nottingham to be with you and Juliet is definitely a wonderful gesture of love. And I hear you on the tediousness of toddlerhood sometimes – we’re currently experiencing tantrums like you would not believe and without my mum’s calming influence when Hector kicks off I think I’d probably be grey by now. Here’s to the village elders in our lives…whoever they may be. Your trip to Bath is making me very green indeed – it’s a wonderful place to visit!
This completely resonates with me and has struck a chord as my husband and I contemplate where to settle long term. We moved to London five years ago and through a series of very fortunate events my family relocated a few years after. I’m from Lincolnshire so it was a shock to the system and I’ve never fully fallen in love with living here but being 15 minutes from my mum has never been more important than through pregnancy and the first year of my son’s life. We are currently considering whether we want to (or can indeed afford to) take the next step on the housing ladder here or whether to move out, and it’s the idea of not being near family that keeps drawing me back. Yes my son may not have the rural childhood I imagined my children having, but having his grandparents play such a big part in his life may be worth the compromise.
It’s a big change isn’t Anna moving from countryside to full on city life and it’s something that Ste and I have discussed ALOT. My ultimate dream would be to move out into the countryside somewhere…perhaps when Hector is a bit older and his sibling has made an arrival (whenever that may be). But the practicalities of such a move have to be considered too. If we moved out then like you say, there wouldn’t be so many family members in such close reach and for me that’s a significant negative. Perhaps they’ll be in a different stage of their life too and will move with us. Time will tell…I hope you come to some resolution too.
Another blubber here! Really gut wrenching sobs. It doesn’t help I’m pre-menstrual, about to start a night shift in charge of an Emergency Department tonight or that I’m a month out from the most important a exam of my life! Oh and we bought a house this week!!
We chose to move to Australia last year with our then two year old twin girls. Ultimately I think we made the right decision. But the guilt is endless. Have we done the right thing by the girls? Their two grandmothers are two of the kindest human beings you would ever wish to meet and I couldn’t have done the first 12 months with twins without them. We have already flown back to the UK twice and and the heartbreak at the airport when we say goodbye is so painful. I am lucky that my Mum spends half the year here (not currently) but my mother-in-law for various reasons cannot fly out.
At the moment I feel like everything is hanging by a thread and more than ever we could do with our family support network. Our choice though……..
Oh gosh Sophie. I’m so sorry…seems like I’m making all the Aussie girls cry this morning. You have tonnes on your plate don’t you – I can’t even begin to imagine the stresses and pressures of managing an ER department and buying a house in the same week let alone throwing two twin girls and a bucketload of family guilt into the mix. You need chocolate and lots of it. And add a bottle of wine in there for good measure.
I think what you’re able to offer the girls out there in Australia is amazing, the opportunities are endless and the personal sacrifice you’ve made to give them that is huge. It seems to me that you’ve tried your damnedest to make sure they continue to have a quality relationship with their grandparents and they will come to know this in years to come. Sending you love and kisses xx
Thanks for this Lolly, it’s really reassured me! My Keanu is 3 months now and my parents (who are retiring in October) have made the decision to come and live back in the UK. One of the big pulls for them is my little guy. I’m totally over the moon that they will be coming back – mainly because I need more help and I want him to be with people who love him. But I did feel a lot of guilt as they had plans to go and live in Fiji. I can’t really compete with that weather wise at least!
My parents had arranged to be here for a month after K was born; my mum ended up living with us for the first 8 weeks. His birth was hard and I honestly couldn’t have managed on my own after hubs went back to work at 2 weeks. I have so much awe and admiration for people who do it on their own but I’ll hold my hand up and say I can’t. Luckily my husband’s parents are amazing, my brother and sis in law and fantastic with K and now I’ll have my parents there too. I feel really lucky. It will also mean that K won’t need to go to nursery unless we want to send him (to be socialised with other kids etc) which is a really nice position to be in and takes a lot of pressure off the decision making.
I’ve had lots of attacks of the “what’s wrong with you, why can’t you do this on your own?” but I’m learning to ignore those now. Life isn’t about making it through the hardest way possible, so if I can get help I’ll blimmin’ well grab it with both hands, no pride here! Also it makes my heart so so happy when I see K cooing at my bro or resting his head on his Nona’s shoulder. The more love the better, in my book.
Three months!! Hasn’t time flown!
Absolutely the more love the better! And I think it’s amazing that Keanu has such a great relationship with so many members of your family – on both your own and on your husband’s side too. And I hear you on the pressure off thing re nursery too. It’s actually lovely that Hector gets to go to nursery and spends an equal amount at home (if not slightly more) with his family as well. He gets the socialisation aspect from all angles and it saves us considerable amounts of money in nursery fees.
I think it’s fantastic that your parents have decided to come back and live in the UK post-retirement. Remember it’s their decision to do so…so try not to feel guilty about it even if our weather is pretty dire!
This is a lovely post.
While we didn’t organise it specifically that way, we live within half an hour of both of our families. When I had my first daughter, my mum was retired, my sister had just graduated (AKA unemployed!) and they were around a lot for me in the early days. As she grew my in laws were more involved and we ended up paying my SIL to look after Juliet for over a year when I went back to work.
Unfortunately life changes a lot and I’ve had a lot less support this time around. Mum died unexpectedly when Juliet was just shy of two, and my baby sister has a high flying job which involves 60+ hour working weeks. It was one of the main things I was concerned about going into it again – that I would struggle much more without that help. Thankfully Tess is considerably more laid back (and sleeps SO MUCH more) than her big sister. I still miss it though. And it was much easier to take a shower when there was someone to hold the baby!
Such a great post that really struck a chord with me, I too am a self confessed perfectionist and control freak and when my wee boy arrived in December last year everything got thrown in the air! I was incredibly lucky that my parents retired and moved back to the UK at the same time and I honestly could not have done it without them, especially as my husband works offshore so is away for three weeks at a time, and I have PND. “It takes a village to raise a child” has been my mantra whenever I feel guilty about needing so much help. Seeing the interactions between my wee man and his grandparents is just amazing, I always knew they’d love him but oh my goodness, so much love I could burst! ?
Interesting post and so true! I don’t think you should feel guilty at all though for wanting space when Hector was born, I think that’s totally normal! It is a new dynamic and you want to establish yourself as a family of 3 and try get to grips with things without ‘being watched’ all the time, however helpful your family are being. Plus I think it’s just a natural instinct to kind of want your new baby all to yourself sometimes, I know I was always glad when visitors left (not in a horrible way!) so I could get my baby back in my arms ? it is lovely to see their relationship develop with family as they get older though. My mum looks after my 2 year old 3 days a week while I’m at work and I feel incredibly grateful and guilty in equal measures! I always feel guilty when asking for a babysitter on an evening too, even though it’s pretty rare… Mum-guilt is never ending is it?! X
Screw the village.
Ok. I’m still bitter!(!!) the in laws moved closer to us so they could “help” with our 10 month old and look after him one day a week to save on nursery. I had lofty dreams of maybe a date night here and there…
The week before I went back to work, they turned around and declared that they never really liked kids (?!) and didn’t want to look after their only grand child as it was quite hard work. (insert eye roll here)
I’m still totally struggling to process this from a personal (WHERE IS MY DATE NIGHT?!) and also from little man’s perspective.He loves grans and granddad and I wanted the mix of generational interaction for him.
so yes. Screw the village, We’ll do it alone.
Oh gosh. This is not good at all. I really feel for you. My friend had exactly the same with her in laws. They basically just didnt turn up one day (she was waiting to go to work) and when she finally got hold of them they said it was all a bit tiring so they weren’t going to do it any more. They had her kids for 4 hours once a week!! xx
I feel a mother-in-law post coming on! And predict highest number of comments ever 🙂 Go on, RMF.
Ha ha! It’s on the list!! x
Oh my. With in-laws like that I’d say screw the village too! You will do great without them and hopefully your little man won’t notice them being awful!
Hmmm, this post makes me worry a bit. We won’t really have a village to help out. We’re due to move about 3 weeks after little one is born to a new place half way across the country. Family will be over an hour away (although slightly closer than they are at the moment), hubby’s family are on the other side of the world, and we will be moving away from any friends we have made here over the last year. Hopefully it is still possible to raise a child without a village, otherwise we’re screwed! Lol xx