Somehow this much dreaded phase completely passed me by with Molly. She wasn’t an angel but we never had the all out tantrums and melt downs much associated with being a two year old. Alice on the other hand is another matter entirely. My gosh that girl can strop.*
I should have suspected one of the girls would test me to the limits given that as a child I was also rather known to throw a paddy at the slightest thing. And I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t stop as I got older. Loosing at the ‘Game of Life’ during a family holiday was enough to send me in to full on meltdown. I promise I’ve stopped now. Mostly!
I’m not really sure when it all started with Alice. It seems to have been going on a long time. In fact I’m pretty sure the terrible two’s started early in our household. She is the loveliest little girl but the moment something doesn’t go her way it as if the world had ended. Tears, screaming, lying on the floor, flinging herself off chairs, you name it.
At first I’m ashamed to say I laughed. I couldn’t quite understand how we had gone from having a nice playtime or morning snack to something that required me to wear ear plugs and possibly drink a large glass of gin. My laughter quickly wore thin as this became a daily occurrence. Sometimes for pretty much the whole day. It was very testing.
The slightest thing sets her off. I think the worst (and I warn you it is something akin to the world ending) is only being allowed one party ring rather than the three she had requested. That strop can last for a good half an hour or more.
There were times I feared for her safety as she would fling herself on the floor and didn’t care whether it was a soft plush carpet or all out concrete. I’m lucky she never did herself any damage.
I also feel very thankful that she had the sense to confine her tantrums in the most to our own home. We had one or two supermarket meltdowns and that was enough for me.
I have tried many different ways of dealing with them. I have tried ignoring her and walking away but she can keep going for quite a long time. We tried the naughty step but she just tended to keep crying and often fling herself off that too. I try talking to her to calm her down or reasoning with her. Anyone who has tried to reason with a two year old knows how successful that is.
In honesty one the best ways I found of calming her down was picking her up and holding her tight to me. I know that may seem like I am rewarding the behaviour but after a few minutes of fighting against me she would normally calm down.
As she approaches her third birthday I am hoping we are coming through the other side but I am not convinced. Rather than full on tantrums it is now a continual whine that I will admit rather grates on my nerves. Normally accompanied by tears, and a lot of them. I do know the signs now and most of it is down to tiredness. We have started cutting back, or cutting out, her lunchtime nap purely as she has been messing around at bedtime then is tired again the next day. However, this then means that I have a whole afternoon of crying and whinging to look forward to. Oh the joy.
Have any of you dealt with the terrible twos and do you have any words of wisdom to share? Or shall we all just grab a large glass of wine now?!
*Case in point is a recent photoshoot by the lovely Little Beanies Photography when Alice had so many melt downs achieving a picture was not remotely possible.
Image by Little Beanies Photography.
Juliet is 13 months old and already screams when I take something off her she can’t play with or don’t let her play with the bin – what a terrible mother I am! So I fear we’re entering tantrum phase already, and will eagerly await other people’s tips.
A friend of mine has quite an emotional little boy and she often resorts to giving him a cuddle to calm him down. She says as much as she’d like to use other tactics and the last thing she wants to do is reward his behaviour, he’s upset and it’s the quickest way to get him over it.
I’m totally in the watch and learn from others phase.
Removing so called toys is the worst crime ever. How dare you. he he! I definitely think a cuddle is the way forward. Not much else worked for me and I hate hearing them scream and cry for hours otherwise xx
Oh man, please don’t feel ashamed to admit to laughter. I have a secret giggle at Ethan’s meltdowns all the time. I think it’s the only way I can deal with the days where they follow one after the other. And I’ve been known to cancel outings, stick on the TV and pretty much appease him if it’s started off ‘one of those days’.
On the other days when there’s only a few to deal with, I use a mixture of the following:
– Cuddling and reassuring if it’s just an unnecessary overly emotional response to something.
– Naughty spot if it’s accompanied by some really bad behaviour (like last night when he threw a plastic plate at me).
– Distraction with something completely ridiculous, like an imaginary dragon outside the window, pretending I hear the sound of a train going past etc. etc.
– Ignoring him. And periodically asking if he’s finished and wants a cuddle. After a couple of meltdown minutes he usually says yes to this one.
I’m fumbling my way through these emotional maelstroms of his. But to be fair, if I was given the option to lie down on the floor and scream because someone wouldn’t give me more party rings, I probably would too.
Ha ha Naomi. I’m feeling that way this morning already and may well be resorting to copious party rings and tea to get me through the day. No one best stop me! I too cancel outings if I know Alice is going to be having a whinging crying day as there is just no point. No one enjoys it otherwise. Loving the distraction idea, I need to try that one xx
We entered the tantrum phase about 2 months ago…I laugh often, I feel it might become a scary manical laugh eventually as I’m driven to madness by my beautiful, stubborn little boy! At the moment the naughty step works for us, but we combine this with cuddles after as I find the break on the step means he doesn’t fight the cuddles after, I’m going to make one of those sensory bottles this weekend and see if that works for more public tantrums…he has many of those as well!
I’ve quickly learnt parenting is literally just trying and testing every method and finding what works for you and bubs, even if it does mean sitting on the floor next to your screaming child in the middle of Waitrose…
So apparently iPad autocorrected my name… I’m Lizzie but the way! Lol!!!
Hi Liaise! I actually rather like your new name!! I have had the scary magical laugh a lot of times where the girls are concerned. I fear I may be going mad…. I must check out these sensory bottles. Hope they work for you. Otherwise sitting on the floor in waitrose sounds good. Just grab some party rings first (for you obviously!) x
Hi lottie, gentle parenting techniques would suggest that your way of handling the tantrum is the best there is. I’m not going to preach about it as it isn’t for everyone but try looking at that take on it and see how you feel… gentle parenting is not about not using discipline or setting boundaries but perhaps delivering those a bit differently.
I 100% think laughter is the way you cope with this, so often it is ridiculous! As long as she isn’t hurting herself what else can you do? Silv is too little for full tantrums but I can see them on the horizon and am with Naomi- it’ll be a mix of distract and ignore. My ma always says just pretend it isn’t happening- go read a book, play, do something fun they will want to join in with so they stop- just don’t give in ???
When I worked with special needs children, a technique that worked well was we would sit together and watch the hands on a clock, breathing together as the seconds went by. I once did this for 5 minutes with a 7 year old who had just punched me in the face- he calmed down slowly and steadily, said sorry and it really stopped the situation growing and growing. Not sure a 2 year old could do that long but might help?
I saw a mum in the supermarket the other day and she was rocking a tantrum. Her little girl had about finished and was whining/crying sorry Mummy Mummy sorry. She got down to her level and said gently why are you sorry? Little one said for whining and crying. Mum said softly, well you need to stop then don’t you? It was so good to see the child given really clear instructions and understand exactly what the apology was for, I’m so stealing this. Power to the mum!
Blimey Lucy, I applaud you. You are amazing and your techniques with the children sound great. Agree a 2 year old may not stop for that long but a shorter version may work. I do always try to make Alice apologise and do the whole ‘why are you sorry?’ thing. It can get a while to get the response we want but we normally get there and end it with a hug. Hugs make everything better x
My little boy is just over 2.5 and we’ve had it pretty easy until now. But my word, the last few weeks have been like trying to parent a stick of dynamite. He screams because he wants the cornflakes, I give him the cornflakes, he has a meltdown because I’ve given him the cornflakes.
Distraction with ridiculous things that half the time don’t even make any sense seems to work, and asking if he’s calmed down now every 5 minutes until he sheepishly skulks over for hugs.
He’s 3 in September and then everything will be fine again, right, RIGHT??!?!?! : )
xx
I too am holding out for Alice turning 3 in July! Most of the full on tantrums have stopped but w still have lots of crying and whinging about everything. Yep, just like you the things they ask for and are given but then still isn’t right. They like to keep us on our toes! x
I’m following this one. Niema turned two last week but has been practicing her tantrums for a while now. I am completely clueless having breezed through the older two growing up with no screaming meltdows. Our almost daily battle is when she insists she wants to dress as Princess Anna but her Anna dress has a hoop meaning I can’t fit her in the car. Its like trying to fold a pop up tent back into a bag and not what I need when we’re rushing to make the school run. She would spend an hour screaming on the floor about it rather than compromise on being Elsa instead. I have been known to hide the dress in the crockery cupbard on occasions to try to avoid the battle and now have resorted to breaking the hoop. I feel there may be more of a strategy needed generally though… sometimes we have wailing because her favourite baked bean went on the floor.
Oh no, not her favourite baked bean! Seriously, these kids. Loving the image of Niema in her pop up tent dress. I had to hide Mollys tutu dress for a while as she refused to wear anything else. I told her it was in the wash which she wasn’t impressed by. x
I have (hopefully!) just come out the other side of toddler tantrums (youngest now 4) although I feel like my older two are starting the teenage years mega early (aged 7 and 9 – door slamming / ‘whatevs’ comments / general sulky behaivour – arghhh!).
I think the love bombing / cuddle approach is probably the best out of the available options – toddlers want to be ‘grown up’ at that age, but just can’t express their feelings or emotions. My girls would throw a tantrum that would last for HOURS, so long that we’d all have forgotten what the original tantrum was about by the time they’d cheered up. My son, on the other hand, was much easier – yes threw tantrums but quickly forgotten & no grudges held for long.
Repeat the mantra: this too shall pass (eventually!!)
I am currently repeating this mantra Nicola, whilst breathing deeply and trying not to shout at a constantly crying Alice. The latest was as she couldn’t find her Sophia doll before dinner and now it is because she has the wrong coloured spoon. They do all seem to merge in to one don’t they? Anyway, these too shall pass……. x
Great post Lottie! I have enjoyed reading everyone’s Terrible 2’s saga.
Noah reached this stage at about 18 months. I felt a bit cheated as I was not expecting this behaviour until he was 2 (2 months away). When he has a full on tantrum (over something rediculous) I have to pick him up and put him in the middle of the room to avoid him hurting himself as he just flings himself into door frames and walls! I have to admit, I have also laughed at times as it’s so rediculous….. I have started ignoring him and eventually he calms down and comes to me for a hug but he gets so worked up I can’t really restrain him!
You were definitely cheated. Why do they think it is acceptable to start this phase early. The manual says terrible twos not terrible 18 months! Good luck xx
My little is twenty months and has begun showing moments of the terrible twos if she doesn’t get her own way – made worse by the fact that she’s not talking much yet, so sometimes hasn’t got what she wants simply because I’ve absolute no idea what it is!!!!! I read this article http://m.huffpost.com/uk/entry/9727342 the other day which really gave me some food for thought. We’d been thinking that we needed to start trying some sort of discipline strategy but I still think she’s so little eapwcially when it comes to emotions and I think reading this helped me … and seems like some of you have similar thoughts!!! Now what to try when she repeatedly does something dangerous that we’ve told her not to do, like push the TV?! Any ideas welcomed!! And she’s not even two yet!!!!!
Oh gosh, the dangerous stuff is what makes it hard. That’s why I had to actually hold Alice rather than try to reason with her or I fear she would have smacked her head a little too vigorously some times. It’s not easy is it? xx
Okay as I am not a mum yet I can hardly join this chat. But as a children’s and youth worker I have read the book Loving your Kids on Purpose and it explains that explaining early that there are two people in the relationship who have to be happy so when a child starts acting up you ask them are they fun to be around for the other person. They then have a choice to be fun to be around or go to their room/naughty step until they can be fun to be around. The example of his toddler in the book is hilarious. And I find this works for me in my context, though with slightly older children. But I thought it may help 🙂
You have pretty much just described my life for the last few months. Apart from public tantrums which has – on one occasion – seen me carrying said tantrum throwing toddler under my arm like a rugby ball as held any other way she would attempt to take chunks out of my face with her nails. We are now at the point where she does something naughty looks at my face and says “step” and sends herself to the naughty step, I can’t yet decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing? I think I need to find something else because the step isn’t so bad. Effie also has a fantastic ability to produce her most comical gems in the throw of a tantrum and I’m pretty sure she knows it. Oh and her tantrum gymnastics are a wonder to behold – my favourite maneouvre involves her jumping as high as is possible for her size with her legs horizontal and landing in sitting position legs outstretched, a technique she perfected in a nappy and is fast growing out of now shes wearing knickers. The battle of wills will keep going until she hopefully grows out of it, but it would be so much easier if she wasn’t so cute!
Totally at that stage with naps, can’t decide whether ditching the nap at lunchtime is the next step as my little boy is really fighting bedtime and as you say tired the next day which really seems to lead to the most challenging behaviour! Equally enjoy the peaceful hour or two and it’ll be a long afternoon without it… I’d be interested to know how it goes if you do decide to cut it out?! Good luck, Ella x
I have loved reading this post and all the suggestions/stories in the comments. Definitely gonna try the imaginary dragon suggestion and the clock suggestion!
My friend from work told me that she managed to embarrass her toddler out of a meltdown mid supermarket by lying down next to her and having a tantrum herself! Not sure I have the guts to do it but apparently it works!
I love this image Lisa. You should so try it, and send us the pictures!!! x
Hee hee. NO WAY! X