I never truly knew how lucky I was with Hector’s love of sleep until about a month ago. I mean I could see that I’d been blessed with a boy that was happy to sleep for five hours straight from the moment he was born (although that in itself had its own problems which I’ll go into another day). In comparison, close friends of mine, with similar aged babies, struggled with attempting to grab more than two hours of shuteye on the trot. But you can never truly know what it feels like to have a baby that doesn’t sleep unless you’ve experienced it for yourself can you.
In fact I think the only times I truly struggled with Hector’s snoozing was during his sleep regressions at 4 and 8/9 months. But even then I think the whole thing lasted a matter of three days and we were back to normal all over again.
In fact my mum mentioned the other day that Hector really hasn’t changed all that much from the moment he was born, adoring his sleep and not really being all that fussed about food. Actually, don’t even get me started on the food battles that we go through daily…there’s nothing so demoralising as slaving away over a hot stove only to have your toddler say ‘ugh…yucky’ as they spit it out. He doesn’t even like pasta?! What is it they say…you can’t have it all? Anyway I digress…
Imagine then my absolute surprise then when last month, Hector’s dependable sleep habits went well and truly out of the window. It started one January night after a fairly normal bedtime when Hector woke up crying at about 11pm. This is fairly unusual behaviour for him and has only happened before when he’s been in pain or he’s coming down with something. After going into his room and settling him, and checking that he wasn’t poorly I thought that was the end of it. Perhaps it was simply a bad dream…
About half an hour later, he started crying again. Strange…perhaps he really wasn’t well after all; I went into his room, soothed him, tried to settle him back to sleep until he seemed calm before walking out again. Little did I know that this cycle would repeat again and again in 15 minute intervals for the next three hours. Each time I went in, settled him back into his cot and puzzled over what could possibly be upsetting him so much. He wasn’t ill, didn’t feel hot and responded in the negative when I asked him if anything was hurting. The whole scenario reached its peak when at about 2am he started screaming for both me and for Ste, kicking his legs wildly and attempting to climb out of his cotbed whilst shrieking ‘OUT, OUT!’ at the top of his voice. He’s never done anything like this before and he sounded absolutely terrified.
As I cuddled him in the dark at two o’clock in the morning, I have to say it was the first time I felt truly at a loss in my role as a mum. I really didn’t know what to do. Writing this now, this sounds a bit daft, after all it was an unsettled night in a sea of many more probably to come, but I genuinely could not fathom what was wrong and therefore how to react to him. Surely by the age of two we were done with sleepless nights weren’t we? We weren’t about to start upon a journey of disrupted sleep patterns were we??
Was he seeking attention? And by consistently going back into his room was I creating a pattern of behaviour/a habit that was going to be difficult to break. Or was he genuinely terrified and just wanted his mum and dad and so all I could do was to show him that we were there and he was safe.
By 3.30am Hector had been awake for four and a half hours, without any signs of wanting to go back to sleep. Both Ste and I were exhausted and Ste was due to get up at 5am and needed some form of shuteye. I ended up going into my mum’s room and asking her for her advice (there’s definitely some advantages of having your house renovated and living with your mum!). She took one look at me and sent me off to bed to try to get an hours sleep at least whilst she took over. Suffice to say I slept until 6.30am when I woke with a start and nipped into my mum’s room to grab the monitor. Hector was finally asleep but only just, having settled at 6.15am. For a kid that loves his sleep that was some going!
I was in two minds as to whether to send him to nursery that morning; he certainly wasn’t ill but he would surely be exhausted. That said, I woke him at 8 and dropped him off albeit a bit later than normal. Terrified I’d have another night like that, Ste and I were on tenterhooks that evening as to how Hector would behave. Fortunately he went to sleep as normal…no doubt exhausted by the activities of the night before.
That’s not exactly the end of the story however, we had about two weeks of crying on waking and on dropping off to sleep which we worked through with him by reassuring him by speaking over the monitor (discovered by sheer fluke) which I think proved to him that we were ‘there’ whilst not being present in the room. And lately it seems to be back to ‘normal’ again, with him happy to lie in his cot chatting to his cuddlies before he goes to sleep and when he wakes up in the morning. I thank my lucky stars that our sleep-loving boy is back.
But that doesn’t stop me wondering why. Why did he wake up that night in such a tizz? Was he scared or testing the boundaries? Did I respond to him in the right way? And it’s something I bring up with my own mum regularly too in my attempts to understand it that little bit more. Her advice as ever is sound, that he’s growing up, that he’s becoming more aware – of himself and of the world – and that this mental development will make itself known…in Hector’s case with his sleep and self-soothing abilities.
If anything it’s taught me more about myself, that sometimes the controlling tendencies in me need to take a hike, that not everything will be/can be explained and that Hector won’t always abide by rules and routines (often imposed by him in the first place!). He is human after all. And of course that this won’t be the last sleepless night I see either especially when/if we have more children. I need to be much more relaxed about the whole thing and be more appreciative of the amount he does sleep because I know that we do have it pretty darn good. I’m keeping all my fingers crossed anyway.
Have any of you had unanticipated sleep issues? Problems where suddenly your previously sleep loving toddler stops liking their bed? Or perhaps something else entirely…Apparently when I was small I didn’t sleep properly until I started nursery aged two and a half. My poor mum!
Morning!!! Great post, and something I reckon lots of people will have experienced.
S has always been one of the pants sleepers, and hated her cot so much- really hated it. Mama out! Mama out! Was the regular cry. We were firm that she went down in her cot and before Christmas decided we had to stop bringing her in with us in the middle of the night pre new baby. The resulting 2am battles were horrible and regularly went on for over an hour. So we thought, nothing to lose, let’s put her in a big bed- full on single bed. And it has worked wonders. She happily goes to her bed, and is finally sleeping through at 23 months- or we have one wake up which is easily soothed and back she goes. I think she hated being restrained and felt claustrophobic in the cot, and was uncomfortable on the thin cot mattress.
For Hector I reckon a growth spurt or developmental leap might have been responsible? Apparently we keep having them until we are teens, they don’t just stop at the end of babyhood. Or maybe a nightmare that unsettled him and that he remembered? S has woken screaming that “Daddy gone” before- deeply distressed, definitely not out for attention.
Tough for you and Ste, thank goodness it didn’t last. Nothing like being a zombie the next day is there…
You make a great point about feeling restrained and claustrophobic Lucy which hadn’t really occurred to me. Our little girl hated the cot (in a bed now) but also hates the buggy and high chair (being strapped in). I hadn’t really thought of it like that
I also experienced similar with my boy, to be fair he was an awful sleeper until about 11 months old, and even then it would usually take an hour (or even two) to get him off to sleep properly, but then he would sleep through really well. Anyway, at 21 months he started waking in the night a lot, and turned into some kind of escape artist and tried jumping out his cot a few times, we bit the bullet and put him in a bed – was the best thing we ever did. He loves his bed now, I think the thin cot bed cover and mattress just wasn’t making him feel cosy and he really didn’t like being restrained in the bars. I feel like he all of a sudden didn’t want to be a ‘baby’ anymore as he seemed to change in many other ways too around that point.
I also think that when you’re used to sleep again, the waking in the night is so much harder to deal with, especially if you’re working too – just remember (my mantra throughout the previous 2 and a bit years!) ‘everything is just a phase’ xx
Absolutely Kate – the sleep thing is always so much worse when you’re used to having a decent amount of unbroken kip. I’m not looking forward to round two whenever that might be!
Morning Lucy….I’m thinking you’re probably right. A friend of mine has a little girl about 4 months older than Hector and she said that she always turns into a bit of a nightmare sleeper when she’s going through some kind of development. Hector seems to have turned a corner since the sleep episode with his speech, now copying everything we say and speaking a lot more and joining more words together too. So it seems as if perhaps the sleep thing may have come hand in hand with a mental development. But yes…we were utter zombies the next day…I couldn’t even put a sentence together properly!
Morning Lolly, I’m currently the one feeling very lucky. E sleeps 12 hours straight through at night with at least a 2 hour nap every day… I know it’s going to change at some point and I’m dreading it! Haha.
My niece on the other hand seems to be going through something similar to Hector. She turned two in October and has suddenly started waking up crying through the night. Like Hector, there doesn’t seem to be a reason, but it’s becoming habit.
I’m going to send my sister the link… about time she came over to RMF! ?xx
Karen…there was a time when Hector would have three hours nap time and then sleep for the whole night too. My mum said this is rare though and to make the most of it which I did! He’s not napping for so long these days but I made hay whilst the sun shone so I’m ok about it. Yes send your sister the link, perhaps the lovely readers can help her out….
We are one of those lucky ones which have had a relatively good sleeper from about 9 months old he’s sleep right through, only on the occasions of teething and un-wellness we would wake. But every now and again he goes from perfect cherub to full on scream mode and only cuddles will settle him …. he can be flat out asleep in my arms then as soon as he’s placed back in his cot , the eyes snap open and its full on scream again. I must admit it often ends with me bringing him into bed with me. I was always going to be one of those parents who never had there baby with them in bed…. but it works for us and he doesn’t get into this habit of coming in with us each night, it only lasts a night then he’s over it. I often think they are only littlies once and one day they will be full on teenagers and the days of cuddles and sleepy snoozes together will be over.
I will be taking my revenge in the teenage years- it’s HALF PAST TEN GET UP NOW!!!!
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My mum says this to me frequently Angela; they’re only little once! To be fair though Hector seems to hate sleeping with us. There have been times when he’s been ill and we’ve bought him in with us to keep an eye on him. He’s such a wriggler and loves his own space so much that he seems to be happier when he’s in his own bed. I’ve always ended up taking him back to his cot after a few hours where he sleeps much more soundly than he does with us next to him. Mr Independent eh?!
If there’s one thing I’m learning more and more it’s that nothing is ever “sorted” with children and there’s always some issue that can disturb everything! My eldest has alternated between being a dreadful sleeper (at birth and at each sleep regression, which lasted ages) and being wonderful (slept through from seven months). Latest issue is that she’s started waking several times a night to go to the loo – I think it’s her way of saying she’s ready to go without nappies overnight but I didn’t want to try that until after she turns three…
My second was a dream until the four month regression and hasn’t really recovered (seven months today). Anyone have any tips on how to get a baby back to sleep in the middle of the night? We currently resort to bringing her into our bed but I’d rather not…
What a brilliant way to look at it Pips…’nothing is ever sorted with children’ – I know I had a tendency to think (rather narrow-mindedly) that things/behaviour should have stopped at certain age milestones before this sleep episode. What a numpty I was! Hoping your little one starts sleeping better soon!
Morning! Have you got a night light? Juliet is 23 months old and about 4 months ago she started to be scared of the dark so we have the toadstool night light.
That’s not solved all of her sleep issues though. She LOVES a sleep regression and subscribes to them all wholeheartedly! Apparently they have one when they’re 2 and she seems to have jumped on the bandwagon early this time. Often she’ll wake once in the night and then at either 4.40 or 5.15 (literally these exact two times) to start the day. My friend always says ‘this to shall pass’ so I just look at it as another phase. And drink coffee. All the coffee!
Good luck all! Xx
I hadn’t realised that they had a sleep regression at two Jennifer. I ignorantly presumed that they stopped after the first 18 months! It makes sense though in terms of the timing and then hopefully the fact that we seem to have gotten past it (fingers crossed anyway). Hector went through a stage of waking up about 5am when he was much younger but I soon discovered it was because he was cold. Once we rectified that issue he slept through to 7.30am! Might be one to try perhaps?
Our little girl has been a rubbish sleeper from birth and at two (just! Birthday girl yesterday) she still wakes at least once a night and ends up in with us, and is also an early riser and crap napper. I don’t think an undiagnosed milk allergy until she was 4 months helped in the early days, and also being told at the hospital that if she didn’t wake to feed every 3 hours to wake her up. She wasn’t early or underweight and I think it contributed to the continued rubbish sleep patterns. If I had a second I would definitely be questioning them for a good reason!
I was adamant she wouldn’t come in our bed so until she was 9 months I spent many an hour on her bedroom floor in the wee hours, but an operation meant dad on night duty for a few weeks while looking after me and working, it went out the window and she now ends up in with us. She’s never been a fan of the cot and although her sleep is definitely better since we took the sides off, come bedtime she still takes the duvet out the bed and brings it to the floor for a cuddle
If she gets herself in a state at night she will cry until she’s sick, someone please tell me it’s not just me?!
You are not alone! There’s no way we could do any form of sleep training with our little one, she is instantly so distraught even if I’m there next to her cot! She makes herself sick and normally poos! x
It’s not just you! My little boy (almost 11 months) has never been a good sleeper. He wakes every 30 minutes from bedtime until we give up and bring him into bed with us around 10.30pm. It’s just easier to settle him when he’s right next to you. I try to tell myself to enjoy the cuddles, which I do, but I am also shattered by 8pm every night, despite all the coffee. He had awful reflux to start with but that seems to have cleared up. I wonder about a milk allergy. He also doesn’t respond to sleep training and gets in such a tizz that he’s sick. What a drama queen! I’ve resigned myself to it now. Got a couple of weeks off work coming up when I’m going to try to persuade him to stay in his bed. Tips are welcome! xx
My daughter, previously a fab sleeper, hit the two year sleep regression hard! She started waking at midnight screaming and wouldn’t go back to sleep! We joked to people that she’d forgotten how to sleep but it really it was quite an awful situation. I found myself desperately googling “why won’t my toddler sleep” while laying on her bedroom floor at 3am in the morning.
We tried everything but eventually found gradual retreat worked and after 6 weeks (6 long tiring weeks!) she finally started sleeping through again. I really do empathise with those going through it.
Six weeks Hayley?! You must have been living zombies by the end of it! Glad it’s sorted now though xx
Morning. Poor Hector, it’s awful when they are so upset and can’t tell you why! E has always been a terrible sleeper, reflux meant she would only really sleep being held for the first 4 months but it didn’t improve much once that resolved. She’s spent months waking every 1-2hrs and always been horrendous to get to sleep! At 14 months we still have to battle her to sleep for about 2 hours most evenings but fingers crossed she is then sleeping until 5 most nights (but it’s only been 2 weeks so not getting my hopes up it will last). She’s still fed or rocked to sleep so not sure how I’ll ever stop breastfeeding! But then she is the most gorgeous, sunny girl who is amazing at eating and as a keen cook I would much rather be sleep deprived. Like you say, you can’t have it all! x
Gosh Charlotte you’ve really been through the mill haven’t you! And yes you can’t have it all…but to have a child that liked eating even just for one day would be AMAZING!
E sounds just like my little boy (nearly 11 months)! I always say it’s a good thing he’s a delight during the day because he’s a terror at night. I hope things continue to improve for you! x
My eldest was and has always been an absolutely amazing sleeper 11-12 hours a night from 6 months old onwards and when he used to nap I used to have to wake him after 3 hours (he’s 4 and a half now). Even when he’s poorly it doesn’t seem to affect his sleep. It sounds like we might have had a similar experience with eating though!
My second (also a Hector) who is now 15 months has been the reverse. I wouldn’t say he was a “bad” sleeper. I know others have it much worse but I do still have to go to him most nights and settle him back down at least once.
To say we’ve found this hard is an understatement! At six months when he didn’t start sleeping through like his big brother I was at a complete loss as to what to do. On a bad night now I can have tried a dummy, a bottle and even calpol and he will still be crying and I will have run out of ideas! On the upside though he is a fantastic eater and usually finishes whilst his brother is still faffing about!
I suppose the thing is we sometimes just don’t know and I’ve had to get used to that over the last year. It’s helped me deal with it a bit and I know he will sleep through eventually. I do have actual daydreams about a 8 hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep though!
8 hours sleep in a row – nirvana!!!! 🙂
Your eldest sounds very much like my Hector although it was about the 13 month mark that he started sleeping through the night for a good 12 hours. And similarly I used to have to wake Hector from his naps…still do sometimes. I’m not going to lie, I know that it’s going to be nigh on impossible to have the same experience with baby number two, which makes me a bit apprehensive given that I won’t have the luxury of catching up on sleep as I did when it was just Hector. The things us mums do eh?!
My friend told me that it all evens out between the ages of 0-18. My boy is such an awful sleeper now, but I keep thinking we’ll avoid the teenage dramas! Playing the long game…
Oh gosh Jane…what does this mean for me?? A teenage boy up at all hours of the night? Gulp!
With all your feeding woes, I’m sure he’ll be a dream teenager! 🙂
Ooh that sounds super stressful, Lolly! Poor H, it def sounds like something was up with him that night and you did exactly what he needed – I think we are always looking for “answers” so that we can react the “right” way when, actually, it’s just about doing what your instincts tell you. Hector seems like such a happy, carefree boy so there is your proof that you’re doing “right” by him!
My son has always been a terrible sleeper, he has serious FOMO so fights every sleep and nap, ever since he was born! I was actually fully prepared for this because my mum says I was exactly the same. We had his cot and nursery all ready but he hasn’t ever slept a full night in, we started co-sleeping and it works wonderfully so we are continuing with it. He’s ten months now and I’m going back to work in a couple of months. Once he is settled into his new routine, we will try him back in his cot as he’s sleeping for long stretches at night in our bed, so may be able to do that in his cot. I’m not too worried about it though – my mum says, once I was able to be more mentally stimulated, I turned into a dream sleeper so here’s hoping we have the same experience with Keanu. And now I could literally sleep for England! ??
I’m a firm believer in exactly what your mum said (aren’t mums wise!). Babies and toddlers are going through SO MUCH STUFF and developing at an absolutely breakneck speed and, sometimes, that means they need reassurance as their world changes and shifts around them. That means we sometimes need to be there for them and to find a way to meet their needs while not neglecting ourselves, and remember that this too shall pass. ❤
This is exactly what I needed to hear today Kate after a mammoth negotiating session about why he couldn’t have another piece of chocolate (I’m quite strict about sugar levels!). This too shall pass.
In the meantime pass the wine!!
Kate – your son sounds exactly like mine. At 15 months we still co-sleep as it’s the only way we all get a half decent nights sleep.
Lolly – a post on fussy eaters would be amazing (I don’t have a sleeper or an eater!)
Louise I can certainly do a post on fussy eaters. I’m not sure how much use it would be though…I’ve not had much success…
Just wanted to ask if you are going to cover the food battles in a future post – or maybe this has already been covered and I’ve missed it? My 14 month old has never really been very interested in food and as a result hasn’t gained as much weight as she ‘should’ have. Some of her 9-12 month clothes are still waaayyyy to big for her. Just wondering if anyone has any suggestions to get her to eat more that I haven’t thought of?
We have baby led weaned with Roman from 6 months. No purees, just straight what we’re having (minus salt, marinds etc). He’s been very good at eating and trying things. I don’t force him to eat anything but jus put a bit over everything in front of him and see how he goes. He’s 18 months and still good.
Noticed he doesn’t eat much at lunch but has about 3 courses in the morning. There’s lots of books on Blw.
Janet I can certainly cover food battles as per my comment to Louise above…as I say I’m not sure how much use it will be as I don’t seem to have cracked it myself. Lottie did cover inventive ways to make food look appetising in a previous post; I’ll see if I can try to hunt it out for you…
Thanks Lolly, I have alredy tried various tactics and am coming more to the conclusion that no matter what I do she will continue to eat well on some days and not on others. It doesn’t stop me hoping to find that ‘magic fix’, because ultimately I still want to do the best I can for her. I would still be interested in a post about the challenges of food battles (even if there are no ‘tips’) but just for some solidarity that it’s not just me. I feel like all my mum friends have babies and toddlers that love food and eat really well, which sometimes leaves me wondering what I did ‘wrong’.
We’ve had a few sporadically weird nights with Ethan during the toddler stages. Thankfully able to count on one hand!
One thing that’s dawning on me more and more recently is (and I’m going to sound like the biggest weirdo saying this, but…) they’re just people. Wee people. I’ve certainly had a bunch of nights over my life that for one reason or another I’ve found myself restless, tossing and turning or just waking up in a panic. If I could, I’d probably cry for my Mum too. In fact, I’ve been known to wake Gavin for some reassurance after a nightmare.
I feel like as a parent my instinct is to want to label every obstacle or ‘unusual’ behaviour. But when I think about it from the point of view that Ethan’s just a person like me… The randomness of emotions and behaviour can seem a bit more explainable. Also, nothing is predictable with kiddos. Especially when you start to think you can predict them. ??
This is so true!! I often say this to friends and they look at me like they’ve never considered it before.
I’m a pretty terrible sleeper myself…waking regularly, needing the loo, going over things on my mind or a scary dream! So why we all expect children to never wake in the night is crazy really! Xx
Exactly Naomi. Nail on head. And I totally hear you on the just when you think you’ve got it sussed, they turn everything on its head and you’re all confused again!!!
My daughter started doing this and I was horrified when I realised why…….she was complaining about a bad tummy in the day and waking up at night crying. We’d settle her and then she would wake up again. A few weeks later she was on the loo and I heard…
‘Mummy there is something wriggling in my poo’ I was trying so hard to not freak out. Quick trip to the pharmacy and we all took some tablets. Lots of bleaching and hot washes and since then it all seems ok.
I was devastated I didn’t realise, basically the worms wriggles of out in the night making them itch and wake up.
Sometimes the reasons for waking up are not what you expect!!
Our daughter has slept through the night from 3 months and been an absolute dream with sleeping, except for hitting every sleep regression with textbook timing! The first few weren’t too bad, lasting two weeks maximum but the 18 month and 2 year ones have hit us hard! My advice would be not to give up! The latest one at age 2 lasted about 7 weeks…to the point of thinking she was actually just growing out of a nap. The only reason I perservered was because she inevitably fell asleep if we went out in car in afternoon, so I knew she still needed a nap. Very similar stories to above…from seemingly becoming afraid of the dark (landing light now stays on) and not wanting to be alone “mummy, sit down a little bit” to every excuse under the sun…”need a water, need a new nappy, need medicine!” Her speech is very good, so she can tell us what she wants but is also capable of using that to her advantage! I’m about to pop with baby number two and found the nap refusal and night waking so hard…part of me wondered if she was picking up on changes too and if that worsened things. I’m pleased to say that my sleepy baby is now back…sleeping 13 hours with a two hour nap!! Phew! What worked in the end was simply sticking rigidly to routine for a full week…so not going out around nap time and leaving her to play in he cot despite the “no sleepies!” Insistence. The first day, it took 40 mins for her to stop talking and eventually she slept for 40 mins. By Friday, she fell fast asleep immediately for two hours and hasn’t looked back since! I know this won’t work for everyone, and I’m lucky that she played rather than cried, but hopefully the general message of persistence and perseverance hand in hand with “this too shall pass” will give others hope! Hang in there ladies, wishing love and cake to anyone going through it right now – it’s so tough and I admire you all! Xx
My son went through a 2 year old regression too! I have always been strict with sleep training and he had always been very good. It was exactly when he turned two, my husband was abroad for a long time and I was heavily pregnant with my second. He started not wanting to go to bed and was shrieking out and getting up earlier and earlier to finally hit the 3 am mark. I was desperate to get it sorted before baby number 2 arrived. I ended up putting a clock, similar to the groclock, in his room to show him that the moon meant bed and the sun meant up. I was lucky as he did know what the moon was. I also made his wake up time 30 min earlier and his bedtime 30 min later. And I kept the door open with light in the hallway. I put a chair in the hallway outside his room so that if he called out he could here I was right there but not see me (like you did with the monitor). It took two weeks but we made it! I dont know if it was just a phase or all the changes but I’m so happy thats over! It is a never ending change though, I do wonder what is next. Right now, since he has been potty trained (he is now 3) he wakes me up 2 times a night because he needs to go to the toilette. He has a nappy on at night, but what are you going to do? You get up and you bring him to the toilette…
A wise friend gave me the most useful piece of advice which was essentially to be grateful for those times in the middle of the night when your son/daughter cries out for you. Because in that moment, the only thing in the whole entire world that can make them feel safe and happy is you. Just you.
That thought has got me through a few sleepless nights, because no matter how much I want to just sleep, I know I can hold on to that memory of me and my son, together, in a perfect moment of peace.
This sounds so similar to my recent/ current situation! My little girl is 22 months and we have been working through very similar challenges for the last few weeks. We resorted to letting her sleep in our bed out of sheer exhaustion and frustration, but felt guilty about this (after keeping such good habits previously) and concerned about how long the ‘phase’ might last (especially as baby number 2 due in few months).
I’m frightened to speak too soon but I think things are settling down now and she is definitely less ‘fearful’ of her cot. I agree totally with what you say about it being part of development. They are human beings and sometimes they need cuddles and emotional support through times of change.
I too have discovered in the last couple of days that my little one seems to be reassured by my voice on the monitor! What a breakthrough!
Anyway, I just wanted to ‘comment’ as couldn’t believe how closly your article mirrored our current situation. We’re all in this together!