Elle turns two today. It feels like a momentous occasion. Much more so for me than when she turned one. Still in the haze of early motherhood, the main emotion I felt on her first birthday was relief and the day sort of passed me by, as heartless as that sounds. I had a fixation on getting her to that 12 month milestone and to achieve it was overwhelming. This year however, is a completely different ball game.
I’m an emotional wreck. I can’t even contemplate how fast the time has gone and we now have a little girl who can run around and tell us things in almost whole sentences.
Those of you with toddlers of a similar age are probably going through the same things right now – bath time refusals. Bedtime delay tactics. Random bouts of horrendous molar teething. Mildly defiant acts of naughtiness through to FULL ON tantrums. It’s a testing age but it’s also just SO MUCH FUN. I’m the first to admit that it took me a while to enjoy motherhood – to find my feet and to accept my strengths and weaknesses as a parent. But I finally feel like I’ve worked out my mothering vibe. Elle makes me laugh until I cry, she’s my little partner in crime and she falls asleep holding my hand every night.
As we’ve approached second birthday season in my NCT friendship group, more and more of my friends are having their second baby or falling pregnant again. A two year gap seems to be the norm. Over the Christmas break everyone asked if we’re thinking about another one. I know – it’s none of their business.
I’m just not ready. Neither emotionally, mentally nor physically. I have no burning desire for another baby. Nor does Matt. I finally feel back to normal, after two WHOLE years and I’d just like to enjoy Elle for a while longer before we turn our lives upside down again. (For anyone in the early throws of motherhood, it does get easier, your baby will eventually sleep and you do get your freedom back).
There’s a big part of me that’s absolutely terrified of having another baby. I had a really tough time after Elle was born and it’s only now that I can see what a dark place I was in. It’s not somewhere I want to return to in a hurry and certainly not with Elle to look after. Plus I know what labour feels like now, I know how flippin’ painful breastfeeding can be. I’m not sure I’m ready to willingly put myself through it. And if I’m being truly open and honest, there’s a teeny tiny selfish part of me that doesn’t want to ever put myself through that again at all…
I’m sure Mother Nature will deliver me a slice of broodiness at some point. At least I hope she does. I’ve always wanted a big family and somewhere deep down that desire still remains. But for now, I’m ignoring the questions, keeping out of the baby chat and enjoying my little family of three.
Ridiculously cute image by Little Beanies – look away if you’re just not ready yet…
Happy birthday Elle! My daughter, Juliet, turns two in March and it’s also just hitting me. Much more than the first which, although I thought I felt better, actually went past in a similar haze to you because I was still definitely not myself. This time round, it’s completely different. I feel confident, happy and oh so proud of my darling daughter..
We started trying for a second baby a few months back but then stopped again when we had a terrible 4 week period with Juliet that made us question whether we really wanted to go back to the new born stage.. now I know that I want two children but the desire to make the leap in to actually trying still escapes me..
I’ve just got my mojo back at work and am leading on some amazing projects and at home, my husband and I are back to getting on 90% of the time (he’s still a boy!!) as opposed to sleep depreived accusations and bickering..
The way I see it, I used to say I wanted to have a baby and now I know I want to have another child, so the baby stage is just something we have to get through to get to it! Hopefully we’ll start to try this year. Although I did say that last year..
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Thanks Jennifer, she’s still asleep (!) so not had any birthday cuddles yet. I’m very excited for her to wake up 🙂
I feel exactly the same as you relationship and job wise too. But you are so right, I certainly want another child, it’s just the newborn phase I’ll have to live through. At least second time around we know how quickly it goes, despite not feeling like it at the time.
I think like me, you’ll know when the time is right and I guess if you start trying then your body will decide too! Thanks for a lovely comment as always xxx
I’m currently pregnant with number 2 (due in March) and I never felt ready to be pregnant again or to have another newborn (I still don’t). For us the only question was whether we wanted our first to be an only child. I felt quite relaxed about this but my husband, who is an only child himself, was desperate for her to have a sibling. With our first it took us over 2.5 years from starting trying to actually having a baby so we were conscious that it could take a long time the second time (if we were even lucky enough to be successful) so we just started trying without giving any real thought to the realities of being pregnant or having a newborn. If we’d actually really thought about it I doubt we’d be pregnant now but I’m glad we are.
Congratulations Kat, March must feel very close now! You’ve hit the nail on the head when it comes to how I need to feel about it really – I’m overthinking, worrying about things that might not even happen second time around. How old is your first? xxx
My first will be two in February so a very similar age to Elle. I hope she’s had a lovely birthday today. We were very lucky that we fell pregnant quickly this time and so far all is going well (we’d previously had 4 miscarriages and a molar pregnancy so we weren’t hugely confident) but it does mean that the things have happened quicker than they would if we’d ‘planned’ it but we’ve learnt from our previous experiences that some things can’t be planned so we’re going with the flow. Although it does feel quite scary now the prospect of a newborn is so close! I hope you have an easier and more enjoyable time when you decide to try again. In the meantime enjoy the toddler fun!
This resonates with me so well! It was my sons 2nd birthday this week. We are constantly asked about having another, and apart from the fact that we had IVF to get him, even people who know that ask me, like its easy breezy to fall pregnant. But actually I do not want another baby. No thank you. I always knew I would stop at one. Two of my best friends had babies in December and this seems to have fuelled the fire in people asking if it’s making me broody. The main response I get when I say no we are not having another is that of being selfish. What will he do when you both die? He will have to deal with it alone. How will he learn things that kids only learn from their siblings? We work very hard to ensure he has a strong bond with his aunties, uncles and cousins. I have a strong relationship with my husbands family and I will do my best to ensure he has the same with his future partners family.
I don’t understand why people feel they have the right to comment on your choices!! I would never dream of commenting negatively on someone’s choice to have a second, third, four baby. The thought wouldn’t even enter my head!
My friend has a 6 year gap between her children and that also seems to work well – I don’t think it really matters on the gap.
That’s such a horrible thing to say to someone Claire, I can’t believe those words actually came out of anyone’s mouth! We actually had a conversation about this yesterday and how rude and intrusive people can be when it comes to questioning your parenting decisions. It really is none of their business! I think if you’re happy with one gorgeous little one then that’s great. Especially given the journey to having him probably wasn’t the easiest one. I actually found Elle’s speech improved massively over Christmas where she was just surrounded by adults, so I think that time with grown ups is just as important as time with their peers, perhaps even more so. Hope your son has a lovely birthday this week xxx
Claire this really resonated with me too. I have a 3 year old son and shortly after his 2nd birthday began trying for our second which 18 months on has not worked out, I did get pregnant but then miscarried. This last year has been just awful and we have chosen to stop trying to conceive, which I am totally at peace with and feel happy and beyond blessed with my lovely family of 3. I feel back in control of my life and going into 2017 the future looks bright. I honestly believe that life has worked out for us exactly as it should. But as an anxious person who cares more than I should about the opinions of others I have really struggled with the pressure from others to provide a sibling for my son. Less so now but at times I have felt that I have failed him and just really have resented this idea that there is a perfect family size or perfect age gap, not helpful. I loved reading your positive affirmation about your family so thank you. Also thank you for the post Fern, really thought provoking and interesting to read all the comments
This is very timely as I have just had no2. She’s currently lying on my tummy while my 3 yrs old watches fireman Sam before breakfast. I was the same as the other comments and wasn’t ever that sure I wanted to have another baby but my husband and I agreed that our family would probably be 2 children (if we were lucky) We’re 1 month in today and I don’t know how we’ve got here. I’m not a fan of the baby stage so I’m struggling at the moment. I feel guilty as I miss the days when it was just me an my son but I know my daughter (no2) has a place in my heart which will continue to grow over time (rapidly when we get the first smile – longing for that day) and we’ll transition from a happy duo to a fantastic trio in time. I just hope they like each other as they get older ?
Lizzy I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, when a new baby comes you just have to get on with it really don’t you? And then suddenly you hit one month/two months/three months and it’s flown past. It feels like a slog, but in reality it’s over before you know it. Congratulations on your gorgeous new girly xxx
I had my daughter when my son was 3 and a half. I had a hard time with my son, an awful looong labour ending in emergency section and I cried every day for at least 6 weeks over feeding. I was generally not in a good place and it took me a long time to feel like myself again. I just wanted to say that, I have enjoyed the newborn phase much more the second time around! Even though I had a more complicated pregnancy and a similar struggle with feeding. I think the second time around you are a little bit more realistic in your expectations (I expected it to be horrific) so actually, you are sometimes pleasantly suprised! I was able to relax a bit more and worry less because I had been there before. As you say, just enjoy your time now and don’t feel pressured; you will known when the time is right! X
Ah it’s great you found the newborn stage easier second time around! You know I think there might be something in expecting it to be terrible making the newborn stage easier. I had prenatal depression so thought the newborn stage would be dreadful, but actually it was fine. Looking back, it seems crazy that I felt ok when I had a hard birth/recovery and then struggled with feeding on top of an undiagnosed autoimmune disease. Turns out having low expectations really helps!
Thanks for this comment Lucy, it has made me feel much better. I think it’s all in my head really. Fingers crossed for a pleasant surprise next time around 😉
I had the same experience – first time round it really took a lot out of me, I had some very dark days/months and found it all incredibly difficult. We had our second when my daughter was 2y 7 months and were expecting a horrendous time and it couldn’t have been more different! I actually realised why people liked tiny babies. They’re all different obviously but I think the life change you go through when you have your first is so huge – you lose a lot of yourself and your freedom etc but you’ve already done all that by the time you have another and it’s not quite so hard.
I totally understand where you’re coming from Fern! My little lady was 2 in October and all my antenatal girls already had their second babies by then. I had a pretty traumatic labour 1st time round, didn’t really love the newborn phase and have so enjoyed my time just me and my girl.
But I write this 17 weeks pregnant with a little person due in June! I never really got that “broody” feeling, more that I knew I wanted to give my daughter a sibling and I sort of felt like I had this axe hanging over my head, knowing I had to go through pregnancy and birth again. So we just decided to try, and low and behold, here we are. But now I’m really excited to see my girly as a big sister and to watch their bond grow as siblings once the new baby arrives (and we somehow muddle through those first few months!!)
And we have those same 2 year old struggles – currently having out-and-out warfare because I dared to give her weetabix instead of a bowl of dry cheerios (“NO MILK MUMMY!”) So I’m sure there’ll be some challenges! At the end of the day, it’s your family and you are the only ones who can decide on its unique shape. Oh – and a big happy birthday to Elle! Xx
Congratulations Olivia! The axe hanging over the head is a good analogy! I do think Elle would be a wonderful big sister, I just think I need to give myself a little more time to get my head around things. We must have that coffee sometime soon, I’m sure our little ones would get on famously 😉
xxx
Ahh happy birthday Elle!
Very well timed post, I have so many conflicting thoughts on number 2! My little one is 2 next month and whilst I would love another (and actually loved the baby stage and the year together on mat leave) my pregnancy was awful with hyperemesis gravidarum the whole way through, a time that was meant to be so exciting was actually one of the darkest times of my life, which sounds so dramatic now but it was so tough just the two of us, I have the fear of going through that again with the addition of a toddler, I’m not sure I could cope! On the flip side I know I want another and also know my husband does, and have recently be thinking once we’re passed toddler stage will we really want to go all the way back?! So that would be getting my head round a second pregnancy in the next year or so. As I said, so conflicted! Plus my little one seems to fall in love every time we see friends newborns that I think she would love a sibling. Added mum guilt ? x
Deb, I also suffered from HG from eight weeks through to 18 weeks, lost 10kg and have never been so mentally low. I cannot even contemplate how I’d get through that again with a toddler in tow. My mum had to move in with us and take care of me the entire time so I guess she’d have to do that again! It’s so hard to imagine though isn’t it, just another added layer of complication.
I’m so sorry you both went through this – I can’t even imagine how tough it must have been. Our lovely Laura suffered from HG too and we’re planning a post on this for RMF xxx
Thanks Fern, looking forward to that post!xx
I had HG and found it easier to deal with second time around. I medicated much more and second time around I just HAD to get on with it. We spent a lot of time with my daughter in the bath playing for hours with my head over the loo
Rebecca, can I ask what medication you took? I had such an awful time trying to get anything prescribed (including a nurse who said I couldn’t take anything and had I not heard of thalidomide!). If I get pregnant again, I want to go in with more knowledge and info of what I can take!
I took cyclazine through both my pregnancies due to very bad sickness and it helped loads. It stopped the actual sickness but not the nausea unfortunately. I was very lucky to have an extremely sympathetic Gp the first time round who had suffered with HG herself and when I was anxious about taking meds she pointed out that what I was suffering was not normal and either I could carry on suffering until I ended up in hospital (where I would be given the drugs she was offering) to take back some control. Because of her I knew exactly what to ask for this time!
As I say it didn’t stop the nausea and I was sometimes sick but it made it a lot easier.
I’m so sorry to hear you ladies suffered too! It really is a terrible thing. The various meds I tried didn’t work for me, I think mainly to do with keeping them down long enough to work? The only time I stopped being sick in the whole 40 weeks were the times I was in the hospital on the drip with the drugs intravenously.
Kate I cannot believe the nurse said that to you! So terrible. I tried Phenergan (which from what the GP said to me is the first step) then Cyclizine, Metoclopramide and Ondansetron. I was very worried about the medication until quite a frank conversation with one of the Drs in a&e one day about the risks of the medication vs the risks of continuing so sick and dehydrated. Hope next time you find someone more helpful!
Fern, really pleased to hear you are planning a post on HG for RMF as it was so hard to find anyone who understood! x
You’re so lucky with your GP, Sarah. The bit I found the hardest about HG was how unsympathetic everyone was and how I was just expected to deal with it even though it was the most horrendous and debilitating thing I’ve ever been through in my life! I could hardly get out of bed but was really made to feel like I was being ridiculous and overreacting. They say that up to 2% of women suffer with HG but when you think about how many pregnancies there are in the UK (not to mention globally!) that’s a hell of a lot of women suffering terribly.
Debs, jeez you had it for your whole pregnancy, you are actually my hero for getting through that. Xx
My husband always wanted two but it took me a while to acccept the idea of doing it again (my first was colicky and hard work, I hated being pregnant and I spent most of her babyhood reassuring myself that I never had to do it again). Then suddenly when she was 18 months it was like flicking a switch and suddenly I had to have another. Bearing in mind what hard work they are I think you have to really want to do it again.
Second time around… she isn’t even six months and I am desperate for another! I have been since she was born. Hoping it’s hormones as my husband is adamant that we are done and realistically was can’t have a third and have the lifestyle we want.
Hormones have a lot to answer for don’t they?! It’s so boring that finances have to come into it, but having children in childcare is so expensive, then you have to start to think about bigger cars, costs of taking them on holiday, out for dinner etc. I’m one of four and we never wanted for anything, but even just going out for a coffee and cake was the best part of £50! x
This sounds so spot on to my experience of motherhood! My little girl turns 4 in April, and I suffered with post-natal depression when she was born until she was around 16 months. I feel enormous pressure from everyone to have a second baby (I remember people asking me literally weeks after I’d given birth if I would have a second!) lots of our friends have had their second baby and are even on number three and we get asked on a weekly basis when number two is coming! I finally feel like I am mentally and physically ready to have a second child but it’s taken a long time to get to this place in my head, I still have the fear of PND again if we had another baby but I think I would be more in tune with spotting it quicker. I think it takes as long as it takes and for many people one child is perfect, it’s all down to how you feel as an individual xxx
Hi Lottie – I never had PND but found pregnancy and having a baby so tough first time (thought I had ruined my life and didn’t bond with my baby for quite a while) I completely understand the fear of doing it again. I’m glad I waited until I was ready rather than going for the age gap I thought I wanted as I bonded with my second immediately and have loved having a baby – I can’t put into words how different and how much better it has been this time!
I dealt with the pressure to have a second by mentally telling myself that we didn’t need to have more and we’re lucky and happy with one – it gave me the space to decide I actually wanted another.
Hi Lottie, this is exactly what I tell myself too – next time around I’ll be kinder to myself and quicker to tell people that I’m not coping – if it happens of course. Why oh why do people feel the need to ask such personal questions! I agree that it’s completely down to you and your partner, and noone can tell you when you’ll be ready x
Happy birthday Elle!
We have two… and I didn’t get broody in between. My big girl, Juliet, is wonderful but has always been quite hard work, and at the point we felt emotionally (and financially!) capable of having another one, our lives had started going back to normal again and we weren’t sure if we wanted to disrupt it all. We were both distinctly unfussed either way.
The thing which decided it for me actually, was my mum dying unexpectedly. It really knocked me for six, and my sister and I provided a lot of support for each other – and of course had the shared experience we were going through. I decided that if nothing else I didn’t want Juliet going through that on her own – and here we are now, with a 4yo and an 8mo!
I have to say that the whole experience has been a completely different beast this time around. I had an uncomplicated pregnancy, ‘easy’ labour (2.5hrs FTW!), and this one sleeps! Which makes the whole endeavour a bit more tolerable.
Doesn’t stop the big girl from being a massive pain in the bum sometimes though…
Thanks Sara, and for sharing your story too. I’m so sorry about your mum. Sisters really are the best, I don’t know where I’d be without mine. And hooray for sleeping babies 😉
Happy Birthday Elle! This is a perfectly timed post for me. My husband and I found out last week that we are pregnant with our second and I definitely didn’t feel broody this time round. For us it’s more the fact that we know we want two children. My son will be three in April so all going well with this pregnancy, we will have a 3.5 year age gap. I don’t know if I would have ever felt broody for another child. We decided now was the right time purely for financial reasons. My son will get free childcare come September and we really couldn’t have afforded it before now.
Congratulations!!! And yes, I agree that having help with childcare would certainly make things easier with managing two x
I was so sick when pregnant with my first and so as really worried about getting pregnant again and not being able to cope with looking after him. But as someone above said we didn’t want him to be an only child so when he was 2.5 we took the plunge and the baby came along when he was 3.5. I was sick again but I think I handled it better. Being a mum gives you those types of powers!
I’m sure that there is no “right” age gap and although waiting til he was a bit easier in some ways (he could feed himself, was potty trained etc) it was also harder in that because he was older he was a bit more emotional about the whole thing.
Having said all that they are now 4.5 and 1 and get on great. But having gone from an amazing sleeper to one who still doesn’t consistently sleep through I know I won’t be going for number 3! Despite people constantly asking me if I’m going to “try” for a girl…..whatever that means!
Totes agree on the Mum super powers 🙂
Sounds like you’re doing a great job and it’s lovely to hear that they get on well. It’s the sleep deprivation that really got me too…
Ahhh it’s crazy how fast it goes isn’t it, my little girl is 2 and a half now and I can’t believe it. I sometimes sit and look at her baby photos and want to cry that it’s just gone by in a flash! I think there’s no right or wrong time to have another one, it’s just how you feel and what’s right for you. I had my second 4 months ago and the only thing I would say is that I have genuinely found the newborn bit a LOT easier second time round. It’s the toddler that’s hard work! I think you are so much more relaxed and you are already in the mum-zone so your world really isn’t turned upside down like it is the first time. Yes labour still hurts etc but it’s all worth it just like it was the first time. You fall in love all over again and it’s amazing to watch your older child care for their little brother or sister and love them too ? Also, I’m not sure if anyone really feels 100% ready to expand their family, to me it still felt like a daunting prospect but I decided just to go for it as I didn’t want a big gap (just personal preference) and I worried all through the pregnancy about what it would be like but I wish I hadn’t bothered because of course once they arrive you can’t imagine life without them and it all just works itself out! X
This. We left getting pregnant first time around quite late for career reasons so we didn’t have the luxury of being able to contemplate a big age gap. We have two years almost to the week – infact we had to move my section date to the following week to avoid my husband AND my daughter’s birthday (that’s a lot of cake).
12 weeks in with Number II and I’m finding the newborn stage much easier. Quite frankly you don’t have the luxury to be obsessed with routine and naps and sleep like you do first time around. The baby just has to fit in around the toddler’s activities and you just roll with it. You have the benefit of knowing everything is temporary and you have no control over the situation – baby will do what it will do – but that it will pass. So mentally, it’s easier to push on through.
The hardest bit for me, aside from another pukey pregnancy and a toddler that dropped her naps when I was 32 weeks pregnant, was the emotional guilt at having to share my time out. It’s been OK but there are times when she asks for a cuddle and I can’t do it instantly or as whole heartedly as I did before. And she looks so sad.
The best bit has undoubtedly been seeing their sibling bond develop. She makes me laugh trying to manipulate the situation though ‘S wants a biscuit but he’s too young so I eat it’. Hmmmm.
With you on the guilt about sharing time… I deal with it by telling myself that one of the rational reasons we had another was to stop the first being a spoiled demanding little madam (although at 2 1/2 she still has her moments!). And yes about sibling love, definitely one of the best things in the world is seeing the adoration with which number two looks at number one and number one’s pride in cuddling “my baby”.
Thank you for these comments Sarah, Rebecca and Pips – they are really ‘real’ and you’re right – you don’t have the luxury to obsess over naps etc – if I’ve learnt anything from this post it’s that you just have to get on with it and that as a mum, you’re more than capable of dealing with it! x
You’re absolutely right, and I think that is why I have actually found having two children easier than one – you can’t obsess over things like naps and, while getting on with things, you suddenly realise that some phase or other has passed without you worrying about it.
(And I didn’t mean to suggest earlier that only children are spoiled or demanding – only that my first child, who was the only grandchild on both sides, would have been as she would have been the focus of everyone’s attention!)
After having our son, I never thought I’d feel broody again, we had a horrendous birth and I too didn’t enjoy the newborn stage. But here I am feeding my 10 week old daughter and reading this!
As someone else said further up it was like a switch was flicked. For such a long time if anyone asked if I wanted another baby I thought they were crazy and I genuinely didn’t feel remotely interested in trying for another baby until Freddie turned two years old. Then suddenly I was desperate to have another!
Going back to a newborn isn’t easy but it’s so much better in many ways than with your first (especially if you struggled previously). You have some confidence in your parenting ability, you know what to expect and having a toddler distracts you from being too consumed by the experience. I like the three year age gap and Freddie adores his baby sister. I feel more relaxed this time and I’m able to enjoy aspects of having a baby I don’t think I fully appreciated the first time round – the lovely snuggles and the fact they can’t move!!
Oh no Agnes, I’m dreading a light switch moment now!!! 😉
So true about confidence in your parenting ability. Lovely to hear that Freddie adores his sister. Freddie is on our boy names list, if we ever have another…ha xxx
As an only child I often felt lonely and an inability to argue. It was always 2 against 1 and didn’t have someone in my corner. The benefits were that I never had to fight for attention, I could make friends easily on holiday and I knew how to talk to adults from an early age. Only children tend not to suffer fools gladly (actually stated on my school report age 5!) as they tend to be quieter and read a room first. My parents still gave me hand me downs but as an adult they can help me out more financially.
I always said that I’d like more than one but we’d see how the first went. After losing Alexandra and having Ophelia I’m certainly not rushing to have a third pregnancy in 3 years! I need my body back even though I’m sharing my boobs at the moment!
Claire you enjoy Ophelia, you deserve to and when you’re ready, you’ll know. It’s a funny feeling losing control of your body, and I’m in no rush to return to the pregnant/breastfeeding state either. I said to Matt that in 2017 I neither want to be pregnant nor breastfeeding a child, so we’re certainly not having another one this year. No one really tells you how much you’ll miss your body and how long it’s not really yours for. x
I have a beautiful two year old daughter and experienced exactly the same issues as you did Fern, completely on the fence about having a second, almost deciding one was enough, you can imagine my dismay when I took a pregnancy test and discovered I was almost 2 and a half months pregnant. I have no idea how this could happen, we were using protection, but I suppose we will belong in that 2% failure percentage. I am due in June and still trying to get my head around it, we announced it last week to some family and friends, but mentally I am still not prepared for the sacrifices required to bring up a newborn and throw in a toddler to the mix, incomprehensible. Some days I think maybe its for the best, as I may never have decided to go for it and felt guilty later in life, for the moment, I am bracing myself, putting my daughter into nursery and hiring help, so that perhaps I have an easier time with this one. Good luck everyone with your decisions, here’s hoping it will all turn out fine in the wash!
Hopefully some of the comments above will have made you feel better Sara. You’re a mum already which makes you super human, so you’ll be fine. And we’re all here for you to moan too if you need us 🙂 Your daughter will absolutely love having a sibling and although it will be tough, you can do it!!! xxx
Happy birthday little lady! Hope you all have a lush day- sadly no birthday snow in the SW for us I guess.
31 weeks gone with number 2 and after a tough couple of weeks stopping bed and room sharing with S I am dreading the lack of sleep and the pain filled haze of the newborn days. I didn’t really think this pregnancy through- it was a really visceral response to losing an unplanned but wanted pregnancy in the spring.
Totally agree that this age is awesome- love the new words popping up every day and the tantrums make me laugh as they are so ridiculous. PINK STRAW MAMA!!! Piiiiiiiiiiiink! She is obsessed with babies, carries her doll everywhere and loves chatting to “tummy baby” but how long that will last when it’s out in the world puking and crying and stealing her Mummy I don’t know…
Also, people are idiots who comment on anyone’s child choices. They don’t have a clue what’s going on! So painful to hear oh you’ll be trying for another soon when you’ve just lost one and I can only imagine others circumstances.
Thanks Lucy! It’s miserable down here today, torrential rain and the sky is SO grey. Elle is obsessed with dollies too, and it’s PINK CUPPPP!!! PINK CUPPP MAMA here, so I can totally relate.
Gahhh idiots will always be idiots. You’d think that people would have a little bit more awareness wouldn’t you?! But no! x
My son keeps asking for a yellow spoon. We don’t have any yellow spoons. I bought yellow spoons. Now he only wants a green spoon ?
My little girl is 18 months and we get the questions quite often now.
After a difficult birth and the trials of a newborn I am not sure if we will ever have another, if you could give us the baby as a one year old we probably would!
It is shocking what people say when you tell them that you might not have another – one lady said to me ‘but what if your child dies, you won’t get over it if you only have one child’. I was shocked.
Some people take to the newborn stage so well but we struggled!
I would never say never as I love having sisters but we will see!!
I feel exactly the same Louise, if I could have the child from one that would be great 😉 Even though I’ve had a baby myself, I still feel nervous and uncomfortable holding new borns x
It’s nice to hear (read!?) people’s thoughts on this as I too are in the same situation! My daughter will be 3 in April and my husband and I have been talking about whether to have another or not. We’ve been really lucky with charlotte as she has always slept well, is fairly well behaved and my pregnancy and labour were great! The easiest option is to count our blessings and keep things as they are but I worry that I’ll one day regret not having another. We’ve both said we wouldn’t mind another and if it happened by accident we would both be overjoyed but I’m really on the ball with my pill so doubt that would ever happen. To make the decision to try again is so daunting! What if the new baby doesn’t sleep? Can we handle that alongside Charlotte getting up at 630am every morning? Financially we’d struggle too as we need a lot of house renovations. The sensible option is to just stay with 1 but like I said before I think that’s something we might both regret one day! Argh
It’s nice to hear not everyone was broody when they made the decision as I don’t think I’m quite there yet either!
Catherine xx
Totally with you on that Catherine, I wonder will I look back and wish my little boy (2 in March) had a sibling later in life, especially as we don’t have a massive family. But then it’s the practical side of things and why rock the boat? He slept really well too and they always say two are never the same, do I want to go through all that again, and it be worse? I think as long as there are doubts like that, as selfish as they sound, it’s not the right time. Maybe in a few years the idea won’t seem as daunting. xx
I’ve asked myself the same questions, as Elle has been so easy on the whole, I’m terrified baby number two will be a horrendous sleeper. Or even twins!!! x
That’s what the husband said, if we were guaranteed another healthy little boy then maybe but knowing our luck it would be twin girls! (He thinks girls are harder because of “all the drama”, I’m sure I don’t know what he means :P).
I don’t have any little ones but love reading the blog and this post struck a bit of a cord. I am very naturally maternal and love being around the kids in my family but I have never really felt like I have to have a baby. I think I would like to at some point but in all honestly I don’t feel like I would want more than one child (it works well for many people I know with a child now of junior school age). I know it’s not really same point as this article but there does seem to be an expectation that everyone has at least the 2 child family with a 2 year age gap and it does feel awkward when people try to raise the subject of when I will have a family. Enjoy your time with Elle. You know what is best for yourself and your family x
Hi Claire, thanks for commenting, we always love hearing from everyone, whether they have kids or not! It’s funny as I surprised myself when I had a baby, I was much less conventionally maternal than I thought I’d be. I wanted four children, but I’m not sure that’s really what I want anymore. I’m sure when the time is right for you, you’ll know too and if you just want one, that’s absolutely fine 🙂 The expectation of two, two years apart is ridiculous, as you say x
Happy Birthday Elle! I remember the mother-in-law saying that babies weren’t that interesting but it gets better and she was so right. My little boy is 2 at the start of March and over the past 6 months watching him learning things and start to become his own little person has been so much fun! He was a lovely little baby don’t get me wrong but the routine and fun we have now is so much better.
Me and my husband are both only children and we’ve never wanted a big family but he definitely doesn’t want anymore, he would rather be able to give everything to one (that doesn’t mean being spoilt) than divide between two or three. I sway between thoughts of sibling closeness and more fun to thoughts of putting my body through it all again, might be selfish but there it is. I had a very good pregnancy and labour but there’s the thought that we might tempt fate, we lucked out once it can’t happen again so what if something went wrong? We are happy as a family of 3 (dog makes 4) and I don’t see the appeal of rushing to have two close together, maybe when our boy is 4 or 5 we might revisit the conversation but for now we’ll enjoy all we have now. xx
I think this is what we’ll end up doing. We’re four with the dog and I think we’ll readdress it when Elle is four or five too. I think you have to decide whats best for your family and what you all want. But it’s hard not to listen to others and also be swayed by your own hormones sometimes! x
Happy birthday Elle!! And congrats Fern & Matt on your gorgeous two yr old. 🙂 Fern, I could have written this post (except my bub is still only 9 months!)! I always thought we would have two and I’m still planning for that but I can’t quite IMAGINE being pregnant and going through those first few months. I also really didn’t enjoy it. A lot of people have told me it’s totally different second time round because you know what’s happening and the shock of your world changing isn’t quite as bad.
My NCT group all want to get pregnant straight away (or have been trying) and I literally cannot even imagine. It’s so weird how our brains all work so differently. I want a gap of at least two years but probably more – there are four years between my big bro and I and growing up with that age gap was AMAZING coz he used to do lots of fun things for me. I’m sure he’ll also say he enjoyed it, hah.
Someone above mentioned the regret thing and I have to say that’s something I worry about too! Argh. A friend of mine has one child who just turned 14 and she recently took me aside and confided to me that she really regrets only having one. I was saying how I wasn’t sure I could go through it all again and she said that’s how she felt so she didn’t, and now she really wished she did. Ahhhh.
I was one of the ones that mentioned regret Kate! The problem is I feel against the clock as I’m 33 (although I know that’s not old!) so it’s not a decision I could just sit on for a few more years. I think I’d rather just get it over and done with (not to sound cold hearted). Like a few others have said, if I could fast forward to the toddler stage I would too! Catherine x
I feel exactly the same Catherine and I’m 34 so a year less time to think than you! ? It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who worries about these things xx
Thanks Kate, I can’t quite believe it. She’s such a lovely little soul – I feel very lucky. I think it’s about the balance between waiting until you’re ready and then not leaving it for too long! I know if we sent Elle off to school I probably wouldn’t want another one, but equally I want her to be potty trained before having another one in nappies and she’s not ready for that yet (that’s my excuse at least)…
I think four years is a lovely gap, I’d have loved a big brother to protect me 🙂
Wishing Elle a wonderful birthday!
This post is SO US right now. My son is 2 and a half and we started trying for another baby when he turned 2 (no luck yet) We always fancied a 3 year age gap. I remember when my son turned 1 and thinking ‘Oh gosh, if we want the 2 year age gap we will have to start trying now!’ We definitely did not feel ready.
My husband would be perfectly happy with 1 child and is dreading going through the new born stage all over again. He likes the fact that we have our life back now with our son sleeping through, jobs going well, a bit more money to play with etc. Me on the other hand, I’m totally ready for it because I want 2 children, I am 34 years old and all of my friends (like the first time round) falling pregnant with ease, one by one. I am of course super happy for them but it makes me realise that sometimes you just can’t plan that ‘perfect age gap’.
It happens when it happens and our choices are our own. I agree that it’s so rude when people start asking when you are going to have another one and doesn’t help with the pressure!
Good point Kate – you can’t really plan with any precision, when you have no idea how long it will take to conceive! xxx
I am so relieved to read this post!! I did not enjoy the newborn stage at all, despite always wanting a baby, and everyone I know seems to miss the newborn stage the most, so I’m so glad I’m not the only one 🙂 I had PND with my now 1 year old and really struggled with everything, sleep, bonding and confidence in particular, so am terrified to do it again. But in the same breath would like to give it another go to try and get that magical feeling lots of people rave about and to enjoy the early days. If I could have a baby who was already 6 months or so that would be great but since that’s not possible I think I would just have to hunker down for those first 6 months repeating “This too shall pass” to myself!
HAHA LR, don’t worry I’ll be in the corner with you weeping silently, chanting ‘this too shall pass!’ You’re not alone 🙂
I’ve come to realise I am always broody! There may be a period when I have a newborn in my arms that I am not but it doesn’t last long….but we have to stop at 3. It does feel like the perfect number for our family but a little part of me can’t bear the thought of never being pregnant again or giving birth or having a newborn in my arms. Crazy I know, maybe it’s an actual condition ?
Ah Jess thank you for sharing your feelings too – everyone is totally different. Maybe you’ll end up on that show, 17 kids and counting…
Ha, this is a perfect post for me! I currently have a 14 month old, and pre-her arrival I was certain I would have a 2 year age gap. Well, by her first birthday I was certainly not in the right mindset to start trying for no.2, and I’m still not, even though my husband is very keen. I am only just starting to feel like myself again, and I am being selfish and letting me be me for a little bit (and STILL lose some of the weight!), and enjoying being more involved at work even though I’ve been back since she was 7 months old. I don’t want to give all that up again in the next few months so I am going to wait a bit longer and hope I get myself into a better mental space. Having said that, I don’t want more than a 3 year age gap ideally for many reasons (the first of which that I think I will cope better with a newborn if I’m not completely out of that mindset when no.2 arrives, I am definitely not a natural…), so I will just have to get on with it sometime over the next year. And if I’m honest I wasn’t ready for no.1 so why would I be ready for no.2?! I am an only child though, and I feel a total outsider when people talk about siblings and their relationship with them. I just can’t understand that, and I would like my daughter to (hopefully!) have that sort of bond with a sibling if we are able to give her one. I have to say I am immensely reassured by all the comments above, thank you ladies for making me not feel like I am the only one!!! I also have several friends trying (or already pregnant) with no.2 and it really cements in my mind that I am not ready yet.
Really glad this post has made you feel better Annie. I honestly didn’t feel completely back to myself until Elle was past 18 months, so don’t be too hard on yourself xxx
I think I’m just broody by nature. I’m one of four and would love to have 3 of our own. We’ve got a 17 month old and I’m due no 2 in April. Soooo many people have said ‘oh gosh a 20 month age gap will be so hard’ but I think that whatever age gap you have it’s hard! I found the lack of sleep so hard & really not looking forward to it but they’re worth it!
There’s a massive age gap between me and my siblings – my youngest being 13 years younger. But I didn’t want to be too old a mum. Especially if we’re lucky enough to have 3 at some point.
I think it’s sad when people can’t afford to have the number of children they really want – I hate how everything is about money! Anyway, we’ll have to make sacrifices- more beans on toast less smoked salmon ? I’d rather do that than have regrets.
I can’t believe the audacity people have questioning about having babies … not everyone wants to discuss their sex life!!!
It’s been so interesting to read this and the comments. I’m pregnant with number 2, due one week before my son’s second birthday. For me I wanted them close in age, and I don’t want to stop at 2, I’d really like 3 or 4 it finances allow. Our sisters are not close to having children (single, both live with parents) so our son won’t have cousins close in age, if at all, which has played a part in our decision making. I think every family makes he decision that’s right for them, and it makes me furious when people comment on others decisions- I’ve had so many comments about how if I have another boy I’ll want to ‘try for a girl’?!? People don’t think before speaking.
Happy birthday Elle (though a bit late – I hope she had a lovely day!
I’ve always wanted more than one child – ideally three but the husband isn’t having it. Our little boy is coming up to 6 months now and we have agreed we’ll be trying for another one when he’s around 1 1/2. I really didn’t enjoy pregnancy and birth was horrendous (five day induction, he got stuck and I ended up with a severe PPH). I remember that my second question after being wheeeld back from the theatre (first one was of course asking after baby) was of we’d be ok having another one. I also loved the newborns stage.
People are incredibly rude about this though and it’s really no one else’s business!!
Really interesting read, and I can really relate. I am currently pregnant with my second, there will be a four year gap between the new baby and my first. As we don’t live near our families and also pay for nursery care when I would, a big consideration for us was when we felt ready to cope with two (particularly financially). I wouldn’t say I was really broody but we knew we wanted a second and just felt the time was right.
Fern, I always love your posts – your down to earth nature, realism, huge love for Elle and general lovely writing – please do more posts. My husband and I are at the stage when we’re just about to try…sometime during the first half of this year and then who knows when / if it will eventually happen – I’m excited and scared in equal measure, but probably more scared. Could you and the gang share how you knew you felt ready to try for your first? Sorry if this has already been written about. In some ways I feel totally ready, in others not so much. Throw into the mix a hefty dose of anxiety and I’m not sure when to just go for it! Happy birthday Elle!! X
Sian – I echo your thoughts. My husband and I are at the same stage where we are going to start to “try”. Honestly, I just feel quite a lot of fear but at 33 there is not more time to wait for to get over that (and my husband is quite a few years older). I thought today’s post was great but really has made me feel more apprehensive. Very nice to hear thoughts and feelings from everyone though – there is not a lot of honestly and openness out there! X
Sian I’ve only just seen this comment – thank you for your lovely words. I’d love to write more for RMF but things are just so crazy with Rock My Wedding I don’t have the time to dedicate to writing thoughtful RMF posts that often 🙁 That sounds like a great idea for a post, I don’t think there’s ever a right time and you will always feel nervous because it’s a huge, life changing thing. I think in someways your body dictates when you’re going to have one. If you’re ready to try, then I’d say go for it! xxx
Thank you so much for this post! I have a ten month old daughter and this is an issue that has been on my mind a lot recently. I completely adore her and can’t imagine life without her now, but it has been a lot harder than I ever imagined, particularly dealing with perpetual sleep deprivation – she is still up at least every two hours in the night, which has led to a lot of exhaustion-caused bickering with my husband. This, coupled with a long labour that I still don’t feel fully recovered from, has made me re-evaluate my previous assumption that we would definitely try for two children; I’m certainly nowhere near ready for that yet! Part of me also feels like I love her so much that I would hate to have to share my time with someone else, if that makes any sense!
I also share other readers fears about regretting it if we do decide to stick with one child and the worry that she would hate being an only child, but the comments on this post have really helped and I think I will relax a bit, enjoy my little one (knowing that we are lucky to even have one beautiful child!) and just see how we feel in the future when the fog of tiredness has lifted! Thanks again for another great RMF post and Happy Birthday Elle!
Completely understand where you’re coming from on the sharing the love thing – everyone says your heart just gets bigger 🙂 I think we’re in the same boat, lets just enjoy our little ones and not put too much pressure on ourselves xxx
I never had any thoughts in my head as to how many children I would have – at one point I wasn’t sure if I wanted any! But then I realised (after the birth of my first nephew) that I really did want one! But we stayed at one. My daughter is nearly 4 and I have no desire for another but I seem to be very much in the minority! Not really sure why I feel so differently to 90% of the population! My only concerns with staying at one is the nagging guilt of ‘am I being fair to her’ ‘will she be lonely’ ‘will she grow up to hate me for not giving her a sibling’!?? But I actually know a few only children (now adults) who are all happy healthy have very strong bonds with their parents and have actually gone on to just have one child themselves! Plus I know lots of siblings who were never very close and aren’t really a part of each other’s lives. It’s a tough decision either way x
Good point Lucy, not all siblings are close and at the end of the day, as long as kids have a lot of love, then that’s the most important thing. I always admire the confident and outgoing nature of the only-children that I know xxx
This post is very interesting! I don’t have children at the moment but my husband and I are considering trying to start a family soon. The problem is that I don’t feel ‘broody’ but I know I would like children in our lives. I don’t know if you’re supposed to wait until you have that feeling because I worry that I won’t! Argh!
Hi Laura, I don’t think you need to feel broody necessarily, just in the right frame of mind mentally to have a child in your lives! I never felt overly broody to have a baby, but like you I knew I wanted children and we were at a point in our lives where it felt right. Hope that makes sense xxx