When Leo was first born, Anthony worked from home. It was amazing. He was there most of the time except for meetings. I mean, obviously he was working but he was just there, on hand, he was company and he got to see all of Leo’s developments as and when they happened.
He changed jobs and although he still worked from home there were more meetings, more time in the office, he rarely collected Leo from nursery or had his mornings with him. He worked from home twice a week and stayed away one night. He still got a reasonable amount of time with Leo… And me.
We made the decision that he would apply for a job closer to home, so we would have more time together in the week as weekends seemed to be taken up with meeting family and friends and other engagements. He got the job!
Then his existing employer offered him (within reason) whatever he wanted to stay. With more responsibility comes more commitment and not necessarily more time per se but more investment, more need to interact face to face with people.
We spent an entire week weighing up the pros and cons of both jobs. Less money, closer to home, less future prospects vs more money, not commutable, more future prospects.
We went with the latter. Meaning Anthony would be away from Sunday night until late Thursday evening. You will notice that throughout this whole process it was WE. A difficult decision we made together. I was part of making myself a work widow.
I miss him.
I have been finding it hard, juggling my boy, my dog, my career. BUT, I know it is all for the greater good. It is so we can provide the best for our family. It is so we can live somewhere that gives our boy the best chance in life. It’s not for the ‘things’, it’s for the life. But it is hard and some may argue that life should be about being together, and I wouldn’t disagree. And Leo does miss him, even at two and a half. He knows he’s not here and he asks for him every day. But the time they do share is priceless and it’s really quality.
We moved with the intention of being closer to the other job but in doing so, we remain a good distance from our family and main friendship groups. Meaning the week can be a lonely time. No one can just pop round… But then again, I’m not sure they would anyway as everyone is so busy these days?
And I am lucky. I am so lucky. I have a husband who has said to me, ‘I will quit my job so we can be together’, ‘we can move to be closer to your parents if it makes YOU feel better’, ‘I want YOU to be happy’, ‘YOU are my life’.
It would seem that all the balls are in my court for the next step.
I don’t want to take anything away from him and asking him to quit his job would feel like that. He really enjoys his job. Fairly early in our relationship he sacrificed a lot so that I could follow my dreams of becoming a Graphic Designer and without him, I wouldn’t be talking to you about this. I don’t know where I’d be.
And so when I feel lonely on an evening, I pick up the phone, I skype him. I see his face. And I know we are doing the right thing for our family. It wouldn’t be the right thing for everyone but currently, it works for us. Hard or not.
Having said that, we are looking to make another house move. That’s where I could do with your advice. The job is great and its likely any future jobs would be down south… so do we move further that way? Would he see us much more than he does now if he had an hours commute? Surely Leo would still be in bed by the time he got home? OR, do we move to be closer to friends and family? So I have more contact with and support from people but still not him? If we were to extend our family who would help me with the 3am feeds when I’m not coping?
Image by Little Beanies
Hi Becky, I can totally sympathise, my husband works away…. A lot. Before we had Edie he left at 3am on Monday and returned at 5pm Friday night pretty much week in week out. When I fell pregnant we agree he would look for a new job, working at home….. It would mean a total industry change and potential pay cut, we were prepared for that. Then he was offered a job, same role, different company with a 50% salary increase! With an expensive bubba on the way, we were torn. Any other jobs available were less than his current salary and would mean my going back to work much sooner after having Edie. In the end we went for the same role with more money! It was a very tough call, but, I know it makes my Husband really proud to know that he is providing a wonderful life for us. I know it’s not about material things, but money worries just make life hard…. Plus I was able to have over 12 months off work. The upside to my situation is that my mum lives next door but one and my best friend just across the road. And that helped…. a lot. When David gets home after a long week away Edie’s face lights up. Despite him missing a lot of the early days, it doesn’t mean she loves him any less and they get lots of quality time together. I’d say having a strong support network is second to none, even if you move the hours of work don’t change… Xx
Oh Danielle thanks so much for your comment, it has instantly made me feel better about it all! Having your mom and bestie on hand must be amazing and I think we’re definitely leaning towards that way of thinking. X
My husband took 8 weeks shared parental leave (amazing – anyone who can, do it!) and during that time we talked about his job a lot. The nature of his job is travel and so far it has largely been London based (where we live) but international was on the cards. He was stagnating and no longer excited. He put the feelers out and soon got snapped up with two job offers. One would be based in one office, 9-5 culture, good commute. The other was for his current employers competitor- a huge pay rise, a step up and huge potential. But travel. We went for the latter and he stared this week, and it looks like it will be two nights away from home a a week straight away. BUT, I want him to be challenged at work and have the career he deserves (he was made redundant prior to this career from the military and it was heartbreaking). I know he loves providing for us and it means I can return to work part time. Like you say, it isn’t the things, it’s the life. We want a bigger home so we can give our son a sibling. We want to move nearer to good schools. We want to take him on holidays and adventures. I’m lucky I have my mum near by, but do I want my husband there every night? Hell yes. But I know we made the right decision for our family X
My husband also works away, granted since we had Florence it’s been less than it was before, but the lack of being away has meant longer commutes and we don’t always benefit from his time although it is nice having a cuddle at bedtime! He’s currently looking for other work and hopefully that will mean less nights away but if it doesn’t then that needs to be ok too. Until I was pregnant we both worked away, and I was away 3 nights a week as standard, when I found out I was pregnant we knew that wasn’t feasible so I got a job where I was at home every night and took quite a sizeable pay cut. Not that I wanted to be away anymore, but we knew the extra salary would get swallowed up with overnight childcare etc when we were both away so it all balances out and I’m glad I’m here to spend time with our daughter. Making decisions as a family can be hard, especially when you want a good work/life balance but what we do works for us. It allows us to do nice things as a family because of my husbands salary for working away. I know you can create memories for free but there’s something to be said for taking your child to a safari park or aquarium as well for a family day out. I do think a support network from family is important too. And then you can build a nice routine around that. And even though like I said before it’s nice having him here, some nights it’s nice having a double bed all to myself and no snoring to keep me awake ? I’m sure whatever you decide will work and you’ll be happy. I love the sentiment that ‘it’s not the things, it’s the life’ so, so important to build a lovely life for our children.
I completely get this Becky. Edd took a new job 6 months after Molly was born and since then has been away in London at least one but up to 4 nights a week. This wasn’t part of the original job offer and so not something I was expecting at all. Even when he is based locally he still has a commute and often isn’t home till 10 due to the workload. Getting home ‘on time’ is 7 so he just about see’s the girls before they go to sleep. Some weeks they don’t see them at all and I know he misses them as much as they miss him. I found it the hardest when I had Alice as I had a toddler and a newborn and was basically doing it by myself. When he went back after 2 weeks paternity he was straight back to London. I became a dab hand at juggling bath time and bedtime. It wasn’t easy and I still love it when Edd is here to help! Molly hit an age where she would refuse to talk to him for a bit and then wouldn’t leave him alone. It was as though she was punishing him. I do get really lonely and I know he makes an effort not to be away when he can. I have my family nearby and good friends in the village so I do have company but it’s the evenings that are hard. Yes, it means I can work part time and for that I am grateful. Moving jobs would most likely mean a paycut and although he probably wouldn’t be away I’m guessing the hours would still be long. Its never a simple decision is it xxx
This post has made my day – it’s reassuring to know other families choose to make these sacrifices too! My husband works away Monday 5am to Friday night and has done since our 1 year old little boy was born. It’s tough, on all of us, but, like you, it was and remains (every Sunday when we all get ready for the week ahead) a ‘we’ decision for our family and our future.
My friends and family think i’m a saint for juggling home, childcare and my career but I know the reality is that it’s so much harder for my husband to be away from us than it is for me. We are seeing this as a stepping stone to get to where we want to be next, but the honest reality is that even my friends whose husbands work in the city don’t get home in time for bedtime most evenings and most of them have stints travelling away anyway. I think that’s just the world we live in now.
My philosophy is that as long as our son is happy and healthy nothing else matters. We are so lucky to be in this position of choice and as soon as it stops working i think we’ll know its time to change something – i’m sure you will too x
I would move to be nearer your husbands work. As your son gets older he will go to bed later and being able to go to parents evening, sports and hobbies as a family will be so worth it. Plus you can always make more friends!
This is SUCH a timely post for us Becky! We used to live down South and my husband commuted from our berkshire home to London everyday, getting home just before bedtime. However we lived no where near our family and friends, and with neither of us working where we lived, we had very little support close by.
After much deliberation we decided we wanted to move closer to our families and back to the midlands. The sticking point was my husbands job, which he loves and is doing so well at, he was understandably reluctant to leave. So the compromise is that he stays in London Tuesday to Friday morning, working at home Mondays. We moved just before Christmas and so we’ve only been doing this for two weeks but I’m finding it so hard already and missing him a great deal. Emmy keeps asking for him too and it breaks my heart and I know how much he misses her.
Saying that, it’s so lovely having my family so close by (a 10 minute walk), my friends are also just down the road and it’s been great to have some me time with them. The community and schools here are also amazing and I know we’re providing Emmy with the best start we can.
I’ve also just started my new job and so it’s all a bit overwhelming, especially when solo parenting (why is it so hard to get us both ready on a morning?!?!)
Anyway, we shall see how it all goes, still to new to have any answers xxx
You sound like you’re doing a fab job. I think one of the hardest things about being a parent is always trying to get it ‘right’. It sounds like you’re doing what is best for you right now and nothing has to be forever does it… x
I feel you pain Becky.
My husband took on a new job when our 2nd daughter was just 4 weeks old and my eldest daughter had literally just turned 2.
His first week took him to Barcelona for 5 days and that week is an absolute blur for me… It was really tough.
His ‘good’ week he will have to do a very long commute 3 days a week and normally that includes a night away from home.
Then we have the weeks where he is abroad all week.
It has been so so difficult getting to grips with looking after our girls on my own and feeling really lonely during the week.
However there are so many plus sides..
My confidence in parenting both the girls on my own is great… I know I can tackle breakfast, lunch, dinner, play dates, shopping, bathtime and bedtime on my own. Sometimes I sit down of the evening and feel really proud of all I have done with 2 little ladies in tow.
I miss my husband so much but when he is home with me and the girls the time is so precious… Quality vs quantity. The girls reaction to him coming home is heart melting and they really savour their time with him too.
However I could not be away from my parents and friends… They are my life line in the week. My mum and I are especially close and the support she lovingly gives to me and my and my girls is absolutely priceless… I couldn’t do it all without her.
So if it were me I would set up home close to friends and family.
Jobs can and will change over the course of your life… And if you have the option to stay close to family and friends I would go that route everytime.
Xxx
Thanks so much for your advice Nicci.
And go you! Super Mom! It’s lovely to hear a Mama saying she is proud of herself. We don’t praise ourselves enough. x
Its so nice to see a blog post on this subject as I am a little fearful at the moment of how I will cope post July. I am 13 weeks pregnant and my husband works away offshore. He is away for a month – 6 weeks at a time and it’s his career with no option to change really, its what he loves doing and what I married into. He of course hopes to work away less, but as a freelancer he cannot afford to turn down work when it arises. We have also taken on an old Georgian property with lots of renovation needed and so we need the funds for this also.
I can’t help feel however a little lost at the moment as I too am freelance and work as a photographer, specifically in weddings, but I am not only going to loose out on peak wedding season this year but also have to loose some clients post birth, with the dates having been booked so tight and risky that I cannot promise if I will be agile enough and able to photograph their special day. It’s also my first, so really not sure what to expect with so many unknowns. My husband is very supportive but already I am feeling a little low that my career is on hold. I know it’ll be worth it, but it doesn’t make it easy to accept. I think I thought I was superwoman to start with and was ready to take it all on, but have faced up to facts this week.
If it wasn’t for supportive friends & family though around me, to talk to on the phone or to ask to possibly step in for a day if I decide to take on work, I think in all honestly I would be completely lost.
Freelance in itself be very lonely, and I have heard many mothers advise me that so too can maternity leave. So, having a supportive network around you is essential. My baby has not even arrived into this world yet, and I am already pleased that I don’t live to far away from friends and family. Everyone is different though, and my fears are a little combines with the normal first time parent anxieties.
Laura you can totally do this. It is ok to have wobbles about how we will cope but we just… do. I am self employed too and it’s a scary time when you know you have to stop working… I mean, what if you never get any clients again? But you WILL. I think being self employed gives you good grounding for being a Mom, you already know how to manage heavy schedules that are solely on your shoulders to look after, you’ll be amazed at how much your work skills come into play when your baby arrives. Definitely look into baby groups in your area and also maybe attend an NCT class? You will be with Moms in similar situations as you who are close by that you can call on when your baby is born as they will have ALL of the same questions/anxieties/fears as you xx
Thank you Becky. I think I have come to realise that this week but not without accepting some hard decisions and making the call to clients to cancel work. It’s been difficult as it’s the first year that I have really started to put myself out there, and now I am almost going into hiding. That’s also exactly my fear Becky – first year I get clients that are not friends or friend of a friend, just people that have seen my work and want to book me which has been great! But will I get anymore? I now plan to spend the time to finish off the logistics, redo the portfolio and really put myself out there for future bookings. Thanks so much for the reassurance, NCT classes are booked (start in May) and I also started a pregnancy exercise class this week. Both myself and my husband are excited, but it has been a hard lesson to know that now it’s ‘real’ are you ever fully prepared for the life changing adjustments? Good Luck with the move Becky and with both scenarios has it’s pro’s and con’s but you will make a decision that’s right for you and I am sure it’ll work out. x
I think every situation has its pros and cons and, had you chosen a different option, you would be facing other challenges now that you don’t currently have to face. Becky, it sounds like you guys are approaching these choices in the absolutely best way possible – you’re doing it as a family and thinking through all the options. The other thing I wanted to mention is that nothing is forever and your circumstances, needs and wants all change so, if you ever get to the stage where it’s all just too much, there’s nothing wrong with saying that and making any changes you need to make. I’ve always found that reassuring when making ‘big’ decisions because sometimes they don’t work out and there’s NO issue with admitting that!
My sister in law was offered an amazing promotion while on mat leave and now travels between monday and wednesday so her son goes to my parents in law. I think it’s really tough for her but there are so many positives and if there ever comes a day when it’s too much, she can stop and do something else.
Our baby is due in March and my husband and I both commute into London (at least an hour each way) which means he’s usually home pretty late and of course I’m worried about how much time he’ll get to spend with our baby. It’s the curse of our modern lives that time is short but it makes the moments you do spend together as a family all the sweeter!
My husband used to work away a lot, in the early days when my son was tiny, I’d get my mum to come up and visit when I knew he would be away (she lives 250 miles away), I don’t know how I would have coped if she hadn’t have been there. Now I’m back at work and baby is nearly 1, It’s much easier. Hubby has been promoted, so his nights away are usually only one or two and far between. We live very close to his family, so we have a support network around us. When I was pregnant he had the opportunity of a job that would have involved 4-6 week stretches of working away, starting 2 weeks after my due date, but would have been nearly 3x his current salary. After deliberation we decided that we just couldn’t do it and the money just wasn’t worth everything he would have missed out on.
I’ve rambled a bit there, but since I’ve been back at work full time, I say family is very important – the amount they do for us is amazing, its means my nursery fees are much less than they would be as they look after my son a couple days a week! My Mum has her house on the market now to move to my town, as she has also felt she has missed out on her first grandchild growing up and wants to be able to help out too.
Hi Beck,
Both my husband and I live far away from family and to be honest, we don’t see friends that much as I’m not sure how we’d squeeze them in.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that you can always change your mind. Whichever decision you make isn’t set in stone. You’re very lucky that you’re self employed so you could move with your husband for six months and just rent and if you’re not happy, look to move back towards your family. Or vice versa. Obviously it might cost you some money in agency fees but nothing compared to buying a house and then being unhappy. Good luck with whatever you decide. X
We’ve chosen the opposite and not taken the big ticket job – but it has other sacrifices. Rather than do a major commute to our City jobs from the ‘burbs, we’re staying in a smaller flat to make sure we’re both home by 6.30pm. I love seeing my husband with our child and I know how much it would upset him not to see her every day. He’s turned down partnership twice because of the extra work commitment it would require which he isn’t willing to give (albeit he’s in a job where it would be so easy to get promoted if he wanted given the shortage of professionals thanks to the recession).
We have so many friends where either one parent or both doesn’t get home until 7.30pm at the earliest (and that’s with them leaving work on time) and sure, they have a house with a roof and a garden but what use is money if you don’t both have the chance to enjoy it with those you love?
We know we’ll all move out to suburbia in due course, and in plenty of time to start school but right now, the compromise is that, whilst comfortable, we have limited space and not as much money as we possibly could. Visits to National Trust and English Heritage properties are only £82 a year, walks in the wood as a family are free and politically, we have no intention of sending our child to private school so school fees are not a factor either. We’d love to go back to having long 5* foreign holidays but they aren’t half as much fun with a toddler anyway – rock pools, rain, sandcastles and fish and chips here instead please**
**idyllic middle class dreams of own childhood alert.
Becky I can totally sympathise with you on this one…
When we had our first baby Milo my husband worked about a 40 minute drive from home & had a very 9-5 role so was back every night for bed time and bath time which was just wonderful.
Move forward 10 months and his job relocated so we upped sticks, moved our whole life to rural Wiltshire from central Surrey but it meant that he worked 10 minutes away from our new home and again had the perfect family/work balance. To cut a very long story short, we hated where we lived and were a million miles from anyone we loved and needed and although we had each other I was actually incredibly lonely so we decided to sacrifice the tiny commute to move nearer to my parents.
Fast forward another year and we’d moved to our current home on the South Coast which is only 15 minutes from my mum and near my closest childhood friend so everything was fabulous. The day after we moved in we found out I was pregnant with baby number two and when Ralphy was just 4 weeks old, Chara was offered a big promotion within his company which after much debating he took but means he now works abroad for 4 days pretty much every week! The job’s great but he finds it tough being away from us all particularly as Ralphy is still only 10 months old and Milos at a fairly tricky age of 3 1/2 and I find it quite difficult being “stuck” at home every night. It’s a means to an end though and we certainly make the most of the weekends and holidays!
I guess what I’m saying in a very roundabout way (!) is that I think I’m only able to stay sane whilst he’s away because I now have my mum and close friends so near, and have the most fantastic neighbours, and if we still lived in the middle of nowhere I’m not sure I’d be able to do it so I would recommend moving near friends and family every time!
I don’t think there’s ever a perfect situation and we all just have to do what’s right for our little families at the time and make the most of the time we do get to spend together xx
I love your posts Becky. And judging by the fact that it’s taken me longer to read all the comments than it did the post, you’re not alone in this.
Living in Western Australia, there are heaps of families who are separated for work due to the mining industry. They’re called FIFO (FlyInFlyOut) or DIDO (DriveInDriveOut) and so I encounter people living lives of 4 weeks away 1 week at home rotations all the time.
I’m lucky to have Gavin in bed each night, but he works 12-14 hour shifts a lot, so I can appreciate what it’s like to not get to see him or for him to not see Ethan for days on end. My Dad has also been working in London and Weekending at home in Belfast for many many years.
It seems the way of the world at the moment, but all I can say that’s of value is that everyone here enduring 4 week stints without their partners say that community is key. For your next move, if you decide to move near family, that’s perfect. But if you decide to move closer to the work, then seek out women in the same situation as you. They’ll get it. And you can support each other. Wishing you all the love and luck in the world. You guys are great parents. xo
Glenda BollivarNovember 9th 2011 – 8:04pmOh ..this is a very difficult chcoie!! I love something about each design. If I REALLY have to choose, it would be the Arabella bracelet. I love the mix of metals, and the way flower uses the common theme of shape, but then uses color to set each one apart. It also lends itself to many variations on this theme. Thank you Nunn Designs!! Glenda